CARMELO ANTHONY AND I DEBRIEF OUR FRIENDS AFTER A PICKUP GAME AT THE YMCA

ME: Hey, guys! Sorry I’m late.

CARMELO ANTHONY: Hey, guys. Sorry I’m late.

ME: The most amazing thing just happened!

CARMELO ANTHONY: The most annoying thing just happened.

ME: I was at the YMCA, just shooting around . . .

CARMELO ANTHONY: I got stuck at the Y again.

ME: . . . and guess who’s shooting right next to me?

CARMELO ANTHONY: Some skinny white dude was lobbing air balls right next to me.

ME: Carmelo Anthony! Melo Yellow himself! I couldn’t believe it. I’ve always been a die-hard fan.

CARMELO ANTHONY: Probably one of these guys who comes to two games a year and calls himself a die-hard fan.

ME: I even went to those two games this year. So I just played it cool, kept to myself, did my thing.

CARMELO ANTHONY: He kept shooting these ridiculous half-court shots to get my attention.

ME: And I glanced over at him.

CARMELO ANTHONY: He was staring at me the whole time.

ME: And it seemed like he wanted some company.

CARMELO ANTHONY: I just wanted to be left alone.

ME: So I walked up to him and was like, “Hey, Melo, how ’bout a little one-on-one.”

CARMELO ANTHONY: He was like (affecting a loser’s voice), “Uh . . . Mr. Anthony, I’m such a huge fan.”

ME: And Melo was like, “You think you can take me?”

CARMELO ANTHONY: And I was like, “I guess we can shoot around for a minute.”

ME: So I said, “It’s on.” Can you believe I said that? “It’s on.”

CARMELO ANTHONY: He said (affecting a girlish falsetto), “Thank you so much, Mr. Anthony! It’s such an honor! My friends are never gonna believe me.”

ME: So I suggested we play shirts and skins.

CARMELO ANTHONY: I guess he thought we were actually playing a real game.

ME: You know, just in case more guys jumped in.

CARMELO ANTHONY: And before I could tell him that there’s no way I was playing skins.

ME: I took my shirt off.

CARMELO ANTHONY: I almost threw up.

ME: And I’ve really filled out the last few months. I’ve been doing tons of crunches.

CARMELO ANTHONY: He looked like one of those kids in a Sally Struthers commercial.

ME: I’m kind of ripped. I actually think he was a little shocked.

CARMELO ANTHONY: It was actually kind of shocking the way you could see every single one of his ribs.

ME: So I took the ball out.

CARMELO ANTHONY: I let him start with the ball.

ME: And I tried to drive by him.

CARMELO ANTHONY: I think he was trying to dribble past me.

ME: But he was quick.

CARMELO ANTHONY: I literally did not move my feet.

ME: And he blocked me!

CARMELO ANTHONY: I barely raised my hand and he kind of just ran into it.

ME: And Melo was like, “Not in my house!”

CARMELO ANTHONY: And I think I apologized to him. Like just instinctively. Like when you step on a cat’s tail and you’re like, “Oh! Sorry, cat!”

ME: But we were both totally in the zone.

CARMELO ANTHONY: While he was prancing around, I finally finished reading that Economist article you emailed me.

ME: It was like we were the only two people on the planet.

CARMELO ANTHONY: It’s really terrible how they’re exploiting those Nicaraguan coffee farmers.

ME: I don’t think he’s really been tested in a while.

CARMELO ANTHONY: So I decided to give him the ball. Just to get it over with.

ME: But I robbed him in the paint and did one of my moves.

CARMELO ANTHONY: He kept trying to dribble the ball between his legs.

ME: I did my Harden Eurostep, my Rondo No-Look, my J-Craw Step Back.

CARMELO ANTHONY: But it just bounced off his knee, out of bounds. It was so embarrassing.

ME: It was so empowering! I hadn’t played like that since high school.

CARMELO ANTHONY: He’s clearly never played against another actual human person. And the worst part was . . .

ME: Oh! I forgot about the best part!

CARMELO ANTHONY: . . . there was this woman teaching a yoga class nearby and the ball kept flying over to her.

ME: There was this yoga chick near us and she was like eyeing me the whole time.

CARMELO ANTHONY: I could tell she wanted to kill this guy every time she brought the ball back to us.

ME: She was totally into me, like bringing the ball back for me . . .

CARMELO ANTHONY: And then he actually started trash-talking. Have you ever heard a skinny white dude try to talk trash?

ME: We were both getting a little dirty in the mouth.

CARMELO ANTHONY: It was like watching a Chihuahua bark at a hydrant.

ME: I was like, “I’m gonna beat you like a redheaded stepchild!”

CARMELO ANTHONY: He said something horrifying about child abuse.

ME: And he was clearly intimidated.

CARMELO ANTHONY: I was actually kind of scared. He seemed crazed.

ME: So then I said, “Hope you brought toast, Melo, ’cause I’m about to spread my jam all over you!”

CARMELO ANTHONY: Then he said something kind of gross, so I just kept my mouth shut.

ME: He was speechless!

CARMELO ANTHONY: And people were starting to notice us so I said, “Next point wins.”

ME: I think I must have wore him down ’cause he was like, “Sorry, brother, I only got one more left.”

CARMELO ANTHONY: So I gave him the ball.

ME: So I grabbed the rock.

CARMELO ANTHONY: And he started dribbling it the wrong way.

ME: I went to my sweet spot.

CARMELO ANTHONY: Then he turned around and heaved it from half-court.

ME: And I launched a bullet from the fifty!

CARMELO ANTHONY: But the ball was heading nowhere near the basket.

ME: It was heading right toward that sweet nylon hole.

CARMELO ANTHONY: And I could tell that it was gonna slam off the backboard and right into yoga girl again.

ME: And I could tell that yoga girl was watching.

CARMELO ANTHONY: So I did the only thing any sane person would do.

ME: And then Melo did the stupidest thing.

CARMELO ANTHONY: I jumped up and grabbed the ball.

ME: He goal-tended my shot!

CARMELO ANTHONY: And I softly tipped the ball in, winning the game and, frankly, saving that girl’s life.

ME: And then he acted like he won the game!

CARMELO ANTHONY: But the guy was acting like he won the game!

ME: But I didn’t want to call him out. I mean, it was just a friendly game.

CARMELO ANTHONY: You know, it was always kind of annoying to work out at the Y, but this was more than I could take.

ME: I think this might be the beginning of a pretty heated rivalry.

CARMELO ANTHONY: I just hope I never see him again.

ME: It’ll probably become a regular thing for us.

CARMELO ANTHONY: I canceled my membership on the way out.

ME: This is why New York City is the greatest city in the world.

CARMELO ANTHONY: This is why I gotta leave New York.

ME: You run into the coolest people.

CARMELO ANTHONY: You’re accosted by the weirdest people.

ME: But what I realized is . . .

CARMELO ANTHONY: Anybody can be delusional and dangerous.

ME: . . . everyone is just as normal as I am.