It was a quiet day at work the next day, for which Rick was very glad. There was only one emergency call that came in all afternoon, an elderly man who was having a suspected heart attack. Rick got him stabilized on the way to the hospital then went back to the station. He often wondered what became of the people that he saved. He usually didn’t hear about how they were or even if they survived. Patients and families tended to remember the doctors and nurses but not the EMS members or the first responders. Even still, every once in a while, a letter or a photo would come in thanking the crew.
The crew appreciated the recognition. He did the best that he could to save the lives of the people he was called out to save, but he didn’t do it for the recognition. He knew that getting medical aid to people as quickly as possible saved lives. Maybe not everyone knew who he was, what he did, or took the time to give thanks, but Rick knew that he made a difference. In many ways that was thanks enough.
He needed a quiet day after the night that he had. After the nightmare, he was unable to go back to sleep. He and Harvey stayed up to watch the sun come up over the water. It had been months since his last nightmare. He hadn’t had one since he moved into the remodeled lake house the previous October. It was stress that usually brought them on. Thankfully, as he rebuilt his life, the stress became less intense. Subsequently, he had fewer nightmares, too.
It was never work stress that did it. It was always personal stress that triggered an episode. He could handle work stress. He could detach himself from what was going on around him, and, thankfully, even from where he was. He always could focus like that. He had learned that playing ball. He had a job to do, and he did the best that he could all of the time. Always give one hundred percent. It didn’t always mean victory. He knew that. Sports had taught him how to win and how to lose and how to not take it personally either way.
Not all guys suffering from PTSD or other mental health conditions could say the same thing. He didn’t know about them. Mental health conditions were complicated. Everyone was a little bit different. Everyone was wired differently. Everyone had different experiences both in and out of the service. Most guys recovered from PTSD or their mental health condition in time and with treatment. Some guys didn’t. Some guys self-medicated with drugs and alcohol to deal with their issues and ended up compounding their problems. Having a dual diagnosis was relatively common with alcoholics and addicts. Not all substance abusers had a mental health issue, but many who did have an issue abused substances at some point in their lives.
Unfortunately, discussing mental health was still taboo. It was easier to blame the person’s problems on the substance or call the person weak instead of sick. It was far better to be called just an alcoholic or just an addict than to say that the person was dealing with something else.
Some guys needed prescription drugs to manage their PTSD, their depression, their anxiety disorder, or whatever their issue was. The drugs helped them manage their condition well if the person was prescribed with the right thing. Rick had been called out to a few cases where the wrong medication was prescribed. It wasn’t good. The wrong medication made symptoms worse instead of better. With or without the wrong medication, some guys just reached a point where they could no longer handle it and ended their pain altogether, doing to themselves what battle had failed to do. Rick’s heart went out to them all. Except for the grace of God...
What people with PTSD, like him, had in common was that when an episode or a nightmare was triggered, they relived the traumatic experience as if it was happening all over again. They were right there. When they weren’t reliving it, they were on the lookout for it to happen again. Rick never relived his experience during the day anymore. He could apply the skills that he learned in cognitive processing therapy when he was awake. He could tell himself the things that he needed to so that he calmed down, so that he could view the explosion objectively. He could focus his mind on other things and stay busy. That was a key for him, staying busy. But at night, he had no control of where his mind went. Thankfully, he had Harvey to wake him up before things got too bad.
There was a lag in activity in the station around three pm, which meant that Carlos would be in his office by then. Rick needed to talk to him to get his take on the new twist in the nightmare. Now that Carlos was working as the shift supervisor, they didn’t see each other as much, and Rick missed using him as a sounding board.
Carlos Acuńa was a nine-year veteran of the EMS group. He had spent another twenty-one years in the Army as a medic before he retired from active service and was hired on as a paramedic. They discovered that they had a lot in common after Rick was hired. Carlos helped him through some rough times while he adjusted to civilian life and life with a prosthetic. Carlos knew what it was like. He had lost a hand in Iraq and had been through his own bout of PTSD. It helped to have someone to talk to who had been there physically as well as mentally. He owed a lot to the other man.
“Hey, what’s up, Rick?” Carlos said when he looked up from his desk after Rick knocked on the open door. “Come in here and close the door.” Rick closed the door behind him and sat down in one of the available two chairs that faced Carlos’ desk. He hadn’t said anything, yet. He didn’t have to. He knew that Carlos knew that something was wrong by the frown on Carlos’ face and the worry line that creased his forehead. “A nightmare?”
“Yeah. I wanted to tell you about it.”
Carlos leaned back in his chair while he rubbed his chin. His coal black eyes were full of understanding as he considered Rick. His hair that had once been black was now salt and pepper colored. Carlos wore his hair military short. Some habits died hard if at all, and the habit of getting a haircut every few weeks was one that would stay with him for the rest of his life, just as it would for Rick.
“You haven’t had a nightmare for awhile, so something must have triggered it. What’s going on?”
“There’s this woman...” Rick began but stopped when he saw Carlos grin.
“Ah, a woman. She must be someone pretty special if you’re having nightmares. If she weren’t, you wouldn’t be stressed out over her. So, what’s her name?”
“Maddie Sullivan.”
“Sullivan? Isn’t that the last name of your old friend?” Carlos leaned forward and rested his elbow on the desk.
“Yes.” Rick nodded his head.
“I see. So Maddie is related to your old friend. A sister perhaps?” When Rick nodded his head again, Carlos continued, “So this Maddie has you stressed out. I take it that you like her. You want to date her?”
“Yes. I don’t know if I should. I don’t think that I should. I think that’s why I had a nightmare. It was different this time. It was like a warning to stay away from her.”
“Well, let’s see. You’re attracted to the younger sister of a man who used to be your best friend. You and your old friend still have some hard feelings between you. Maybe not so much you towards him, but he has some towards you. At any rate, the conflict is still unresolved. That would add stress, but probably not enough to cause a nightmare. Therefore, my guess is that the majority of the stress is due to your personal issues and what Maddie would say about them. You feel like drinking? Does the stress make you feel like stopping off for a few?” Rick leaned forward on his knees and wrapped his hands over his head. With a sigh, he looked back up at Carlos who was waiting patiently for an answer with the worry lines increasing around his eyes. When Rick shook his head in a denial, Carlos let go of a held breath and leaned back in his chair once again. “Tell me about the dream.”
Rick told him everything, about looking at the scene as if he was an observer to his own life, and about seeing Maddie in the carnage of the explosion. He knew what Carlos was going to say. He knew that Carlos would tell him that he was projecting Maddie into the dream because he was afraid that he would hurt her. He would never hurt her, physically. At least, he didn’t think so. He never had the desire to lash out at someone else before. His anger was always self-directed. But he was afraid that he would hurt her in other ways.
He knew that he wasn’t good for her. She deserved better than what he could ever give her. Why begin a relationship with her when he knew that it would end badly? It would end. It would have to. Why did he agree to go on that blind date?
“Rick, you have to forgive yourself. The explosion wasn’t your fault. There was a mix-up in the intelligence report, a snafu that you can’t blame yourself for.”
“I know it wasn’t my fault. Jesus, man, you tell me the same things that my shrink does.” He couldn’t sit any longer. After standing up, he began to pace the office like a caged animal.
“That’s because great minds think alike. Seriously Rick, forgive yourself. You know in your head that you weren’t at fault. You don’t know it in your heart, yet. Rick, you need to forgive yourself for the explosion. It’s not your fault that those men died. You also need to forgive yourself for developing PTSD and for not being strong enough to control the drinking. You sure that you’re not tempted to get a bottle?”
Rick stopped pacing and turned to look at him. “Yeah, I’m sure. I don’t want to go there again. How did you handle it, Carlos? How did you handle the relationship part? Didn’t you ever think that Maria deserved better than you?”
“Oh, hell. I’ve always thought that Maria was a fool for marrying me thirty years ago. But, yes, after I got out and had trouble adjusting, after I started having nightmares and began drinking heavily, I thought that Maria would be better off without me. You bet I did. The thought of her leaving me scared the shit out of me, but I pushed her away anyway. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t thank God that she stuck it out with me. She once told me that what happened to me didn’t just happen to me. It happened to her, too.”
“Eventually, the day came when I stopped pushing. I stopped blaming myself for things that I couldn’t control. I also forgave myself for the things that I could control but didn’t. If you want my advice, then don’t be afraid to have a relationship with Maddie if that is what you both want. But you need to be honest with her, Rick. You need to tell her the truth, and let her decide. If she backs away, then problem solved. If she doesn’t, then give yourselves both the chance to find out if you have something there worth fighting for. One more thing; don’t worry about her brother. If you guys can patch things up for Maddie’s sake, then great. Even better if you can patch things up for your own sakes.”
After a minute of just letting Carlos’ words sink in, Rick said, “Thanks. We still on for the camping trip?” He began to feel better and sat back down again to talk about camping.
Every Fourth of July holiday, a group of seven guys and their significant others, if they had one, went camping for a few days up in the Mississippi Palisades Park. It started several years ago when Carlos and Maria invited another couple along, and it took off from there. Every year they took their motorcycles to the park so that they could ride through the river valley during the day. Every night they had a bonfire and barbeque. It was a good time. The guys were other veterans, like Rick and Carlos, who either were no longer in the service or were National Guard or reservists. Even though they weren’t all Army, like Carlos and his friend, they were a tightly knit group of men who supported one another. Later in the summer, they also took their motorcycles on a larger group ride to raise funds for veterans’ charities.
“Maria has our spots all reserved. Bring Maddie with you. It will be a good way to introduce her around to everyone. Plus, I won’t hear the end of it until Maria has given her the Maria Acuńa stamp of approval.”
“That’s assuming a lot,” Rick told him with one of his lopsided grins. “She might not want to see me once she learns about my problems.” As he thought about Maddie, the doubts began to creep back in again.
“I think that she’ll be there. You wouldn’t be tied up in knots over a woman whom you already knew would reject you. You going to be ok?” When Rick nodded, Carlos wished him a good evening and told him to call if he needed anything. Rick left the office feeling a lot better about the dream. Now he just needed to find a time and a place to tell Maddie the truth. He was not the man that she remembered or had the crush on as a teenager. He had changed.