The overhead light turned off and indicated that people could unbuckle their seatbelts. A flight attendant took her spot at the head of the aisle to make the usual announcements, and the captain said the usual stuff that captains say over the intercom. Kevin waited impatiently for them to finish, as did all of the other passengers. As soon as he was cleared to do so, he stood up and gathered his carry-on from the overhead compartment. He was back in Iowa until Labor Day.
It was an unplanned trip that time. He booked the flight to Cedar Rapids first thing that morning and made it to the airport without too much time to spare. He even paid an extra charge to go through the express check-in and security point. He was happy to pay whatever he needed to pay to get out of Dallas for the weekend. Getting the last minute spot on the plane, even a spot in coach, was a lucky break. The Friday before the holiday was a busy traveling day.
Nobody in his family knew that he was coming. He didn’t bother to call ahead to let his parents know about his plans to spend the next few days at their house. Three days would give Clarissa enough time to move her things out. She said that she was moving in with a friend of hers, but Kevin suspected that the friend was a “friend,” a man whom she had met at the wedding in May. He wouldn’t be the first “friend” that she had over the years.
The flight went by in a blur as he thought about last night and that morning. A part of him was glad that it was finally over between them; although, it hurt nonetheless. They had eight years of marriage with nothing to show for it, but he still mourned the loss. It took a while to see that they weren’t right for each other, that they had been fooling themselves from the beginning.
For eight years, he tried to make her happy only to discover that she never was happy with him. She never would be happy, either. “You’re not here enough.” “You don’t make enough money.” “You want children, and I didn’t.” “You aren’t Rick.” Over the years, he had heard them all. Her last words before she walked out of the house were, “I never loved you, anyway.” She told him that right after he told her that he wanted a divorce.
His marriage had cost him his best friend, and he still carried the guilt with him for that. It made him feel even worse when he remembered the lies that he believed about Rick, the lies that Clarissa told him.
How could he do that? What kind of a selfish bastard was he? How could he have believed her lies all those years ago?
He admitted to himself, shamefully, that he had believed them because it was what he wanted to believe at the time. He had thought that he had the world on a string back then. He was cocky. He was the sports hero. He thought that the glory days of his youth would continue and the money would flow.
He deserved the beautiful wife. He was the star hockey player who was going to smash all of the records. He would be the next Howe or Gretsky. He did better than most over the years, but he was far from reaching his dreams. He had also thought that Rick was a fool for giving up a chance at the NFL in order to join the military. So many things he had thought years ago, and they were all lies.
How was he going to tell his family about getting divorced? The Sullivans didn’t get divorced. They didn’t believe in it. They stayed married even if they were miserable. They tried to work things out in sickness and in health until death parted them. He couldn’t think of one person, not one cousin, not one Sullivan who had gotten divorced. He would be the first.
The feeling of being a failure increased when he thought about that.
He was headed for the car rental desk when he spotted a face that he hadn’t seen in at least two years. Tom Bartholomew, Maddie’s ex-boyfriend, was walking his way from the other concourse with a smile on his face.
“Kevin,” Tom said happily when he was close enough to be heard above the din of voices and the machines at the security checkpoint. “Why, I haven’t seen you in a few years. How’ve you been?” He shook Kevin’s hand when they were close enough to touch. They kept walking until they were standing in front of the information desk and the restaurants in the commons area.
“Hi, Tom. I’m doing well. I’m just visiting the family until Labor Day then I’m off to training camp. What brings you back to Iowa?” He didn’t really care all that much because he never liked Tom in the first place. There was just something about him, but other people liked him. Maddie had loved him.
“A have a new job with Kramer, Wilson, and Hewitt.” The name of the renowned Cedar Rapids law firm rang a bell with Kevin. “I graduated from law school and am joining the firm as an associate. I wanted to surprise Maddie, so I didn’t call her yet. She doesn’t know that I’m back. Say, she isn’t dating anyone, is she?”
“No one serious.”
“Good.” Tom’s smile increased in wattage. His teeth were so white and bright that Kevin knew that he had had work done on them. That brightness did not occur naturally. “When I went to Harvard, I told her that we should put our engagement on hold until I finished. We didn’t call it off, but we had an understanding. I’m glad to hear that Maddie isn’t dating anyone. A friend of mine told me that she had gone out a few times with that Rick Davidson guy. He said that Davidson was a real messed up dude, a heavy drinker, had PTSD. You know, a real train wreck. But then what do you expect from a blue-collar upbringing, right?”
The words “snobbish prig” jumped into Kevin’s mind as soon as Tom said that. Now he knew why he never liked Tom.
“Sorry, I forgot,” Tom continued. “He used to be a friend of yours, wasn’t he? I’m glad to hear that there’s nothing to that story. I missed her. We talk on the phone all the time and on Skype, but with distance...you know how it goes. I can’t wait to see her in person again.”
“You’re engaged? Maddie never said anything about that.”
“We decided not to tell anyone on account of my going out east. Now that I’m back, we can make the announcement. Well, I don’t want to keep you. Say, don’t tell Maddie that you saw me. I want to surprise her. Take care, man.” He was gone before all of what he said could sink in.
Maddie was engaged to Tom, but she was going out with Rick? That didn’t sound like her. But then again, Rick had always attracted the ladies, and Maddie did have a crush on him at one time. Did she even know how messed up he was? Kevin knew that Rick had lost a foot. He had heard about that when he was home in May. But he had no idea about his other problems. What was Maddie thinking about going out with Rick when Rick was so messed up? Their being together was a mistake for both of them. Maddie was throwing away her future. They would only end up hurt and disillusioned.
He was going to put a stop to it before it went too far. Maddie had a real chance at happiness with Tom. Even though he didn’t like Tom, it didn’t mean that Tom didn’t have his good points. Tom could provide for her in ways that Rick couldn’t, not when he was so messed up. Maddie and Rick didn’t need to wake up one day, like he did, to find out that they had married the wrong person.
He waited a few more minutes by the information desk before he walked over to the car rental desk. It was time to get involved like he should have done earlier. His first stop would be the lake.
* * * * *
Rick drove into the late afternoon September sun and gripped the steering wheel tightly in his hands. He needed to do that to stop his hands from shaking. He was already a nervous wreck. What if Maddie said “no” when he asked her? They had only been dating since May. Three months wasn’t a lot of time for a relationship, but he knew that he loved her. He knew that he would love her forever. He knew that he had found his other half in her. Kathy and Mary were right. They’ll never let him live it down, but they were right.
He glanced quickly at the jewelry box on the passenger seat and squeezed the steering wheel again. Hopefully, Maddie would say “yes” when he asked her to marry him on their date that night. She’ll say “yes.” She told him that she loved him. They already talked about children. He could picture her happy, smiling face when he asked her. He could picture her walking down the aisle to marry him at her church. He could picture her holding their first child in her arms. The child would be the first of many if all went well. He could picture her beside him when she baked cookies for their grandchildren. He was so nervous.
He knew that she would want a romantic proposal. He wasn’t the most romantic guy in the world, but he had it all planned out. He’ll pick her up from her apartment and drive her to the restaurant. They’ll have a nice meal then he will take her back to his house. He had a dozen roses in a vase on the passenger seat next to the jewelry box. They were packed in a box so that the vase didn’t tip over. At least he didn’t have to arrange them. He had made a mess with the flowers the night before. Once was enough. He will have the roses on the table sitting next to the cake that he picked up for dessert. It wouldn’t be as good as one of her mother’s, but it would have to do.
Then, before they ate, he would take her down to the shore, get down on one knee, and propose to her. A marriage proposal at sunset was romantic. She’ll say “yes,” and later that night he’ll make sweet love to her. The night would be perfect.
Once he arrived home, he went inside to get ready for their date. The house was spotless. He worked on it to get it just so. Donnie also agreed to keep Harvey for the weekend when he talked to Donnie that morning. He set the flowers on the table, which he had covered with a white tablecloth earlier and set with the candles that Maddie had bought for his birthday. After the house was ready, he took a quick shower and shaved. He had just finished putting on his dress shirt when the doorbell rang.
That had better not be Joe or Donnie playing jokes. They were told to stay away that weekend. He had the long weekend planned for just him and Maddie. The person at the front door was neither of them. It was Kevin.
Rick didn’t know what was more surprising, seeing Kevin after so many years or the feeling of happiness that came over him that Kevin took the initiative to come see him. He missed his friend. Maybe Rick would finally learn what he had done to anger Kevin all those years ago.
He didn’t care about Kevin marrying Clarissa. He cared about Kevin, though. The man was like a brother to him for so many years, and Rick had felt the loss of his friendship, immensely. Kevin was schooling his features, so Rick didn’t know what Kevin was thinking or feeling.
“Come in, Kevin,” he told him and moved out of the way to let Kevin in. “I didn’t know that you were back in town. Can I get you something to drink? I have sodas and bottled water in the refrigerator.” Kevin looked around the great room and at the set table then back at Rick. His expression was almost one of pity. “I can’t talk for long. I have a date with Maddie tonight.”
“Look, Rick. I don’t plan on staying for long. I came because I wanted to ask you if you plan on asking Maddie to marry you, but I can see that you are. You picked up flowers, a tablecloth, and a cake even, and that’s definitely a ring box on the table.”
“Yes, it is. Why did you come here today, Kevin? Did you come here to tell me not to ask her? I love her. I want to marry her.” The anger and disappointment Rick felt towards Kevin merged into one strong feeling of frustration, and he turned away so that Kevin would not see just how much he was affected. He took a few steps away and leaned his hip against the island.
Kevin hadn’t come because he wanted to heal their relationship. He came because Rick was with Maddie, and he didn’t like it. Well, too bad! Rick was not going to let Kevin ruin that night. He was not going to let Kevin ruin his relationship with Maddie. Because he wanted to grab Kevin by his shirt and drag him to the door, he shoved his hands in his front pockets to stop himself from reaching out.
“I know that you want to marry her. I can see that. You and I have a history. We both know that. But you know what? I don’t care about that right now. I care about Maddie. I care about her happiness, and believe it or not, I care about yours, too. I want to save you both a lot of heartbreak, Rick. My advice to you is don’t ask her. You’re not right for each other. You can’t give her what she wants, not what she really wants. You’ll both end up unhappy.”
“What are you talking about? She loves me.”
“Now she thinks that she does. Now she thinks that everything will be all sunshine and roses. That’s Maddie, our optimist. She’s not in love with you, Rick. She’s in love with being in love. There’s a difference. Once she realizes that you can’t give her what she wants, she’ll come to regret marrying you. She’ll regret it because the man she really loves, the man she’s always loved is back in town, and he wants her. Tom moved back and wants to marry her. Did she ever tell you about Tom? They’re engaged but decided to wait a few years while Tom went to law school before they made the announcement. The relationship was put on hold.”
A rising sense of panic began to move through Rick at the mention of Tom. Maddie never talked about him other than to say that they had dated in college, but Rick always wondered if at one time they meant more to each other than just casual dates. The family was pretty friendly towards him in the video. If what Kevin said was true, then Tom was Maddie’s fiancé and had been the entire time that he and Maddie were dating. She never said anything. He felt like he had been kicked in the gut. It was his nightmare coming true only it was Kevin delivering the news.
“I can see from your expression that she did talk about him. Did she tell you that Tom left to get his law degree from Harvard? He told her that he would marry her when he came back. Well, he’s back now. Let her go for both your sakes, Rick. Don’t fight for her. What can you offer her? You know that she wants children and wants to stay home to raise them. Can you offer her that? She’ll have to work if she married you. Tom has a law degree, a really good position, and his family has a certain standing in the community. If she married him, she would be able to stay home to raise their kids, she would have the finest house, and she would have a whole man.”
“Shit, Sullivan. I ought to kick your ass for that.” Rick’s raised voice boomed through the kitchen, and he worked at lowering it. He wasn’t going to get into a fight with Kevin. A fight would get them nowhere.
“I don’t mean about your leg,” Kevin yelled back before he lowered his voice. “I’m not talking about that. I mean about your other problems. Yeah, I heard about them. I know about your drinking problem. I know about the PTSD. Do you think that it’s fair to Maddie for her to deal with your problems? You know how Maddie is. She has a big heart. She used to take in stray animals when she was little. She’d get them fixed up and find them homes. She was a sucker for a wounded animal. You remember that. Shit, Rick! Don’t you see? You’re one of her strays.”
Rick had had enough. One of them had to leave, now, or Rick was afraid that he would break. If Kevin didn’t leave, then he would. To hell with Kevin! Kevin gave him another pitying look then walked to the door. Before he left, he said, “Rick, I really am thinking of both of you. You won’t make her happy in the long run, and believe me, there’s nothing worse than knowing that you’re a disappointment to your wife.”
Rick didn’t watch him leave. He heard the sound of tires on gravel as Kevin backed out, so he knew that he was gone. When it became quiet again, Rick stood in his kitchen lost in an agony of indecision and doubt. He loved Maddie. He loved her so much, and yet he knew that she deserved better than him. He had known that from the beginning. Yet, he wanted her so much that he allowed himself to believe that they could have something great. They did have something great, dammit! But, what could he give her other than his love? She deserved everything.
He didn’t want to believe Kevin. He wanted to believe that Kevin was only causing trouble, was only being an ass. He had tried to reject everything that Kevin said up until Kevin mentioned Maddie’s strays. Was that really what he was to Maddie? Was she attracted to him because he was wounded? Was she confusing love for something else? Shit, now he didn’t know what to believe anymore. His head was spinning. His chest hurt with a crushing weight, and his hands shook.
Tom was back, and he could give her everything that Rick couldn’t. It hurt to think that, but it was true. She would be better off without him. She would be better off with Tom. It was time to do his duty, like he should have done from the beginning, and step aside. He needed to do the right thing by Maddie. He needed to break it off with her cleanly. He would do that tonight.
The ring and the flowers on the table mocked him when he looked over at them. What had he been thinking, they said to him. Who did he think he was in dreaming of a future with someone like Maddie? With a shaky breath, he walked out to his truck and started it up.
He didn’t notice the drive back to town. He drove by rote, as if he was on autopilot, and he remembered nothing of it. When he pulled into a parking spot at Maddie’s apartment, he was surprised by how quickly he had arrived. His emotions were in an uproar.
Her building stood imposingly in front of him. On the sidewalk next to the truck were two little kids on bikes and a young mother pushing a stroller. He watched them go by then opened his door. It was time to get it over with. He would make a clean cut so that it didn’t bleed too much then leave. In a few weeks, Maddie would forget about him. She would turn to Tom, and her time with Rick would become a distant memory. If he were lucky, it would only take a few weeks for his heart to heal. If he were lucky...
Maddie let him into her apartment with one of her warm smiles and a kiss that nearly made him change his mind. She was so beautiful. Her hair was down around her bare shoulders. Her blue eyes sparkled. She wore a blue summer dress with wide straps and a fitted waist. He had told her that he was taking her to the restaurant where they were suppose to eat on that first night. She looked great, but then she always did in whatever she wore. She started talking about fixing her lipstick before they left, but he stopped her with his hand on her wrist.
“What is it, Rick?” she asked when she saw his expression. Her smile slipped and her eyes showed her confusion. “What’s going on? You don’t look well. Are you feeling ok? We can go another night if you’re not feeling well.”
“Maddie,” he began to lead her to the couch. “Sit down, please. There’s something that I want to tell you, something that I should have told you a long time ago.” She sat down and looked up at him with worried eyes. Before she could say anything, he started talking. “Maddie. We’re not going out tonight.”
“That’s alright. We can go another night,” she said. She smiled tentatively. “Rick, please sit down. You’re making me nervous when you stand there like that.” Her smile disappeared when he frowned at her.
“No, Maddie. We won’t be going out another night. I’ve been trying to think of how I can say this, but the best way is to just say it. Maddie, I think that we need to stop seeing each other.”
“What?” She jumped up and came over to him. “Why? What happened, Rick? I thought that we were past all of that.”
“No. I think that what happened between us was wonderful, but it went too fast and farther then I wanted it to. I think that we need to cool it.”
“You don’t mean that. I know that you don’t mean that. What’s going on?” She put her hands on his chest, and he gripped her wrists to remove them. He couldn’t have her touching him. If she touched him, he wouldn’t be able to do what he needed to do. When he let go of her wrists, he backed away to put some distance between them. He clenched his jaw and hardened his eyes. He needed to do it or she would see right through him. She would know that he was lying.
“Maddie, you were great. The sex was great, but I got all of what I wanted from you. I never wanted anything more with you other than sex. I know that you dreamed of more, but sex was all it ever really was about for me. You want more. You deserve more. It won’t come from me. I’ve thought about it today, about how to say it. I don’t love you.”
His gut twisted at the look on her face. He wasn’t sure if she would begin to cry. She looked both confused and grief-stricken. It was the same look that he had seen on many faces over the years. It was the expression that people had when they had just received news that a loved one didn’t make it. He clenched his jaw again.
“Maddie, it’s time for both of us to move on.”
“You don’t mean that. Tell me what’s going on. Rick?”
“I mean it, Maddie. I need to go. You can come by and get your things when I’m at work next week, or I can have Kathy drop them off. Goodbye.” He began to walk over to her door. She kept saying his name and asking him why, but he didn’t answer. He needed to leave. If he didn’t leave now, he wouldn’t be able to walk through the door. Her disbelief and grief would turn to anger, and things would get ugly. He didn’t want that.
Without stopping or looking back, he opened the door and walked out. He felt like the biggest kind of jerk, leaving the way he did, but he had to leave before he turned around and asked her to forgive him. It was a cleaner cut doing it this way. It was what was necessary.
He felt numb as he climbed back into his truck and revved the engine. Then he pulled out and drove. His phone rang once. It was Maddie, so he let it ring. She didn’t leave a message.
When he was a mile from his home, he pulled over into the parking lot of Jack’s Bar and killed the engine. The pain in his chest was becoming too much. He needed a drink. He needed to drink himself into oblivion. He needed to forget the look on Maddie’s face. He needed to forget that he loved her and would never be able to have her. He needed to forget, period.
The bar was full when he stepped inside. Jack was behind the bar along with his son, Sammy. Suzie and another waitress were busy taking orders, and the old jukebox played out a classic 1970s rock song. A few people danced along with the music in a little spot no bigger than a postage stamp that was created by moving a few tables. Several guys were playing pool and darts in the corner and every table was full. There was one open stool at the far end of the bar, so Rick took it. Then he ordered a beer.