The station was a busy place with almost all of the EMTs and paramedics on duty and ready at a moment’s notice. It was Saturday night in the Labor Day three-day weekend, which meant that there was always something going on. Rick was supposed to be off that night, but he switched with another paramedic that morning so that the guy could have a little time with his wife and young family over the holiday weekend. What would Rick need the time off for now that he broke it off with Maddie? He needed to stay busy so that he didn’t drown in his own sorrow or go back to Jack’s to drink himself into a stupor.
The night before was too close of a call. He ordered a beer then sat for an hour looking at it while he contemplated his past and how it had changed him. He was an alcoholic. He knew that. What he didn’t know was how strong he was. But as he sat looking at the glass on the bar in front of him, he remembered that drinking had stopped being enjoyable. It never helped him forget his pain or cope with the PTSD, either. It only messed up his life and stole from his future. He didn’t want to go back to that life. He couldn’t go back. He had worked too hard to rebuild it.
He finally left when the beer no longer appealed to him. He knew that he was strong enough. He knew that, despite his past, he was someone to be proud of. It had taken a long time, but he finally knew it. But he also knew that his newfound strength came before he had a sleepless night and an agonizing day of thinking about Maddie. He didn’t know if he would be strong enough a second time, and he needed to keep busy to get him through the weekend.
“Hey, Davidson. I’m surprised to see you here tonight. You look like shit,” Carlos said as he sat down at the lunchroom table with a cup of coffee in his hand for Rick. “Did your girl say ‘no’ or what?”
“I didn’t ask her,” Rick told him solemnly before he took a sip. Carlos must have made the coffee. It was extra strong and extra bitter.
“What’s the matter with you? You love the woman. She’s good for you. Your family likes her. I like her. Maria loves her. Well, ask her the next time that you see her.”
“I might not be seeing her again. I broke it off with her.”
“The hell you say, man,” Carlos said with gang speak vocal inflections. “Now why would you go and do a dumbass thing like that? Do you think a woman like that comes along every single day? If you believe that then you’re an even bigger fool than I thought.”
“Why you talkin’ like a brother from the hood, man? You grew up in Ames. Your father sold insurance.” Rick asked him and tried to copy Carlos’ best imitation of a gang member while he did so. “I broke it off because her fiancé moved back, and they’re getting married. She loves him.”
“I don’t buy that for a second. There is no way that Maddie was engaged while she was with you. That’s a lie, and you know it,” Carlos switched to speaking in his regular voice. “Maddie is a woman in love, alright, but she’s in love with you. She needs her head examined because you’re a pain in the ass, but she loves you nonetheless. Did she tell you that they were getting married?”
“No, her brother told me,” Rick looked sheepishly down at the table.
“Her brother? Not the brother? Not the one that you used to be friends with? He told you that she was engaged and was getting married. Did you ask Maddie?”
“No. She would be better off with Tom.” Rick tried to keep his voice from rising. He didn’t need to have the other guys there know his business.
“So says her brother. You didn’t even give her a chance to tell you what she thought. I was right in my initial assessment. You are a fool.”
“Tell me something that I don’t already know.” Rick frowned then took a swallow that burned his tongue. He didn’t care. It was a nice change from the pain in his chest. “I don’t want to lose her, Carlos.”
“Well, the two of you have been pretty heavy,” Carlos leaned back suddenly in his chair and acted like he was in deep thought. “Considering that you’ve only been going out for three months, having a little breakup might do you both some good in the long run. It will give you both some time to clear your heads and gain some perspective. How are you holding up?”
“I had a rough night.” Rick looked up from his cup at Carlos’ concerned face. If it was anyone but Carlos, he might have downplayed the truth.
“Nightmare?”
“No, just thinking. All of the things that everyone kept saying, my doctor, my family, even you went through my head. I did what you told me to do. I finally forgave myself. Sounds stupid, but I had never done it before. Not really. I guess I never realized just how much I accepted the blame for things that I had no control over like the IED and losing my leg, or for not being strong enough for what came after. I didn’t admit to myself just how ashamed I was. There I was, the big, tough guy. I was the big defensive end, the captain of the football team, and then the first lieutenant. I was the one that everyone looked to, but I saw myself as weak. I get it now.”
“Good.” Carlos nodded his head in agreement and understanding. “Take it a day at a time, my friend. Tell yourself everyday that you forgive yourself, that you are strong enough, until you begin to see what the rest of us see when we look at you. Then say that you forgive others. You don’t have to mean it, and they don’t have to deserve it. You don’t forgive people for their sake. You do it for your own. I’m not just blowing sunshine, either. I know it sounds like an oversimplification, but it really does help with the nightmares and stops the anger and bitterness.”
“My last bit of advice it to make up with Maddie. She loves you, man. You didn’t scare her away, yet, and there’s no point in pushing her away. Rough it out this weekend then go back to her with your tail between your legs.”
“What if she’s moved on?” Carlos laughed at his question, and Rick smiled sadly at him.
“If you believe that is even a possibility, then you’re stupider than you look.” Carlos leaned forward over the table so that they could talk with more privacy. “Listen...I was going to tell you this on Tuesday, but since you’re here now and could use some good news, I’ll tell you now. The brass met on Thursday for their big monthly meeting. It seems that they’re creating an assistant director position to run the paramedics’ unit. Your name came up as the person to head up the unit. It sounds like the job is yours if you accept it. Congratulations! It looks like you’re moving up to where you belong.”
“What about you? You’ve been here longer and have earned it.” Rick wasn’t sure if he was ready to try for a promotion, yet, and jumping over Carlos in the chain of command didn’t sit right with him.
“I’m where I want to be,” Carlos said with conviction. “I’m a noncom. I always have been, and I’m comfortable with that. You were a commissioned officer. You were one of the rare officers who connected with enlisted and brass alike. Don’t think that your military reputation didn’t precede you here. Everyone here knows that you were meant for more than just being a paramedic. Just remember that I gave you a glowing recommendation when you become my boss.”
“I don’t know if I’m ready, Carlos.” Even though he had tried to do the best that he could and had several ideas on how they could make improvements in responding to trauma patients, he still wasn’t sure if he was ready for such a promotion.
“Rick, you’re ready. You’re more than ready. Talk it over with Maddie next week. And before you say it, I can guarantee that you will be talking to Maddie next week. Now drink up, my friend. I have a feeling that it’s going to be a long night.” Carlos raised his cup in salute then downed his coffee in one swallow.
Rick followed suit then got up to pour another round. He didn’t know if he would be able to wait until after Monday to see Maddie again. He didn’t think that he would be able to go home in the morning without seeing her first. The image of Maddie smiling at him once again entered his mind, and he drank his second cup of coffee and waited for the first call to come in.
* * * * *
Maddie stood at the kitchen window in Lisa’s small house and looked outside at the night sky. It was just last night that Rick called off their relationship, just last night when her dreams came crashing down and her heart broke. Stop thinking of that, she told herself for the hundredth time that day. Kathy, Mary, and Lisa all had hope that Rick loved her and would change his mind soon. She tried to believe it, too, even though the look in Rick’s eyes and the sound of his voice told a different story the evening before. Because another tear threatened to fall, she turned her attention back to drying the supper dishes while Lisa put Ethan to bed.
Lisa was a godsend in telling her that she was spending the day painting at Lisa’s house. They managed to get the living room, dining room, and hall done before wrapping it up for the day. If she hadn’t gone over to help, she would have spent the day crying and moping. At least, she had something to do.
Lisa bought the house last winter. It was a fixer-upper located only a few blocks from Maddie’s apartment, and most of the major work was done either by Lisa’s dad or by contractor friends of his. Her dad knew people who knew people, so the work was done fairly cheaply. There were a lot of former or underemployed construction people still out there who appreciated a cash job. Now that the walls were painted, the old carpet could be removed and the new flooring could be installed. Lisa chose a hardwood for the two rooms and hall. The kitchen had new tiles installed earlier in the summer.
“He’s finally asleep,” Lisa said when she walked back into the kitchen a few minutes later and sat at the small breakfast table. Maddie finished drying the last dish then sat down at the only other chair available at the table. “I knew that he would get all wound up at your parents’ today, but it was so nice not to have him underfoot while we painted. He’s crazy about Kevin for some reason. That was all he kept saying over and over again. It was Kevin blah, blah, blah followed by Kevin blah, blah, blah. I didn’t understand half of what he said, but Kevin played a big part in it. Who would have thought that my arch nemesis would have a soft spot for my son? You don’t think that he has some evil plan, do you?”
“What do you mean?” Maddie looked over at Lisa’s slightly confused and humorous expression.
“You know, like maybe he’s secretly brainwashing my son to start calling me Ratched or something. No, even Kevin wouldn’t sink that low. He looked terrible by the way. Jeffrey kept trying to tease him out of his humdrum mood, but it didn’t work. Only Ethan could get a smile out of him. I’m just glad that the wicked witch of the west didn’t come along this time. Maybe that was why Kevin was in a bad mood. He didn’t have his Barbie doll to play with.”
“You don’t like Clarissa? How come you’ve never said anything before?”
“I thought that my ignoring her was enough of a clue for you. She always tries to make me feel like I’m beneath her feet. She makes me want to puke. She gives womankind everywhere a bad name. I don’t know if I feel sorrier for Kevin for marrying her or if I think that he is the biggest idiot on the planet.”
“Meow,” Maddie made cat sounds at Lisa and smiled at her. “Don’t worry. I agree with you. Frankly, I’d be surprised if they were together much longer. You know, there are times when I feel sorry for Kevin. I can’t believe that I said that. Do you still think that he had something to do with Rick breaking up with me yesterday?”
“I don’t know. I don’t want to think that your brother would be so vindictive towards Rick that he would deliberately sabotage your relationship. That would be low even for him. Still no idea what the real story is behind his anger at Rick? I bet that the witch had something to do with it, more than just marrying Kevin that is.” Lisa pursed her lips and looked over at Maddie’s shocked face.
“I don’t believe it. You’re actually defending him for once.”
“I am not. Ok, maybe a little bit. I’ve seen how he is with Ethan and the rest of your family. He’s also not as dumb as I sometimes claim that he is. He did get his MBA, and when he retires from sports, he and Mark are starting a business together in Iowa City. I bet that has the wife’s panties twisted good. She can come back to Iowa and be the queen of corn.”
“I don’t see her wanting to live in Iowa again,” Maddie told her after a few seconds of reflection. Clarissa and Iowa were like oil and water. They didn’t mix, and it was best not to try. Clarissa liked her life in Dallas, and Maddie was more than happy to have her stay there.
“Me neither. Well, what do you say? Do you want to watch a movie or call it a day?”
“Call it a day, I think.” Maddie stood up and stretched her back. Her low back was sore and the muscles in her shoulders were tight. She would feel it tomorrow. “I’m beat, and I’m going home.”
“You going to be ok?” Lisa stood up and walked with Maddie to the front door.
“No. I’m going home and having a good cry again. After that, I plan on watching some old movies until I drop dead from exhaustion. It shouldn’t take long. You still need some help tomorrow cleaning out the garage and painting the outside?”
“Always!”
Maddie raised her arms in a weightlifter pose that caused Lisa to laugh. “My arms are going to be so toned after this weekend that I’ll be able to go sleeveless for months. No more need for the gym membership, not that I ever went.”
“Think of the money you’ll save,” Lisa laughed again and hugged Maddie who had a bittersweet smile on her face. “Drive safe. Night.”
“Night.” With a small wave, Maddie went out to her car and got behind the wheel. There wasn’t any ice cream in the apartment, and she had a craving for toasted almond fudge. She was also almost out of tissues. A side trip to the grocery store was definitely called for before she went home. After starting the engine, she waved one last time to Lisa in the doorway and backed out of the driveway.
* * * * *
“Man, you’re a sourpuss tonight,” Jeffrey said when he looked at Kevin’s scowling face. “What’s got you so down?” Kevin looked over at his youngest brother and scowled even further. He remembered when he was that young. He and Rick were in their sophomore year at the U of I, sharing an apartment with a few friends, and checking out the latest crop of freshman females around campus. How times have changed.
Now, as if the guilt over their broken friendship wasn’t bad enough, he was rethinking what he said to Rick the day before. Maybe he was too hasty in thinking that Maddie still loved Tom. They’d been apart for two years. Two years was a long time to be apart. He was in the kitchen when Lisa picked up Ethan and heard her tell his mother about Maddie and Rick breaking up. Maddie was apparently devastated. She wasn’t devastated when she and Tom put their relationship on hold. She was sad but not devastated. No one knew what happened with Rick, but Maddie apparently kicked Tom out when he proposed that morning.
Maybe, Lisa was exaggerating. The only problem with that theory was that Lisa wasn’t an exaggerator. She tended to tell it like it was. Kevin always thought that it was one of her finest qualities. It sounded like Maddie really loved Rick and wasn’t engaged to Tom.
What had he done now? He broke up Maddie and Rick’s relationship. He was such an ass. He thought that he was sparing Rick pain and helping Maddie find happiness. What would he know about happiness? His life wasn’t exactly a shining example of how to live a happy life. Every time he tried to do something good, it turned out bad. With another scowl, he looked over at Jeffrey’s face and decided that he had had enough. He needed some fresh air. Playing video football in the man cave was getting old.
“Anyone in the mood for pizza?” he asked everyone.
“It’s ten o’clock,” his father pointed out from his chair pulled up in front of a disassembled laptop on the coffee table. He had a small screwdriver in his hand and was looking at the inside of the laptop like a surgeon ready to operate. It looked like Maddie’s computer, again. What did she do to her computer this time? She was always doing something to it. “I can’t eat pizza that late.” His mother sat in a chair reading a book. If she heard the conversation, then she was ignoring it. Maggie was snuggled up next to her in the little seam between her body and the armrest.
“I could go for some,” Jeffrey said happily without removing his eyes from the screen or stopping the movements of his running back. If someone was offering pizza, Jeffrey was more than happy to eat it. It didn’t matter what time of the day it was. “You buying?”
“I’m buying.”
“I’m in.” Jeffrey paused the game that they were playing, if you could even call it a game. It was more like a massacre. Jeffrey had such a commanding lead that it was embarrassing. “Can I drive the rental?”
“Not a chance.” The rental was a decked out, four-wheel drive, luxury SUV with all of the bells and whistles. No one was driving it but him. Besides, he had seen Jeff drive before. How he still managed to be accident and ticket free was beyond Kevin’s comprehension. The guy drove like he was in the Indy 500. “Let’s go before I change my mind.”
“Let me get my shoes.” Maggie lifted her head, looked at them, lost interest, and put her head back down. “Mom, you want us to bring any back to munch on tomorrow.”
“Huh. No, don’t bother. Drive safely, though. There are a lot of partiers out tonight.” She smiled at them then went back to her book.
“We will.” They both said it together then went upstairs and outside to the driveway. It was a beautiful night to be outside. The sky was dark and full of stars. There weren’t any bugs, and a soft breeze blew and cooled the warm air. Kevin knew, without a doubt, that moving back to Iowa was what he wanted to do. He wasn’t made for big city living. Quiet nights, beautiful skies, nice breezes, and plenty of room to breathe were what he liked. It was just another thing that had changed about him. Ten years ago, he couldn’t wait to leave Iowa and experience bigger and brighter horizons.
“So Jeff, any ideas yet about what your major will be?” he asked as he backed out of the driveway. It would be a few miles into town. There wasn’t a pizza joint that delivered to his parents’ house out in the sticks. Not having delivery service was a small sacrifice but was well worth it. Kevin had loved growing up outside of the city limits on the five-acre lot. There was always something to do out here. His parents always made sure of it.
He drove in silence as Jeffrey began to tell him of his latest plans. They seemed to change monthly. The only thing that Jeffrey was sure of was that he didn’t want to play hockey, or any sport for that matter, professionally. Kevin was beginning to wonder if Jeffrey was, in fact, a lot wiser than he looked. He certainly didn’t appear to be gung-ho about pursuing a career in sports.
Kevin had to admit that the life had its good points. He had learned about teamwork, leadership, and perseverance. The money was also good for those who made it. But it had a lot of bad points, too. There were a lot of pitfalls, not to mention that most athletes were beat up and washed up long before they hit forty. Being a professional athlete wasn’t necessarily all that glamorous. He glanced over at his brother’s face as he continued talking. The dashboard lights cast a soft greenish light on his face. Jeffrey turned his head to look at him, stopped talking, and smiled.