Acknowledgments

First and foremost, I’d like to thank the reason for the season, JC…

Chasez. The *NSYNC lead was one of the songwriters behind the fabulous “Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays.” We thank you for your service, my turtleneck prince™.

There was an old sitcom in the ’80s called Mama’s Family, which initially was a sketch on The Carol Burnett Show. Thelma (a.k.a. Mama) Harper was played by Vicki Lawrence, and on an especially memorable holiday episode, Mama befriended a goose named Leland she planned to cook for dinner. When push came to shove, Mama couldn’t kill the bird and instead served her guests something else for the special occasion. Life doesn’t always work out the way you plan. So we pivot. We serve mock goose like Thelma Harper did. All that’s a roundabout way of saying I never could’ve imagined all my family holidays would be fodder for a book of stories like this one. Somewhere along the way, I took a new road that led me here. And if I never imagined it, I’m certain the loved ones in my life didn’t anticipate it either, so I want to thank them all, everyone who is mentioned by name or description throughout these pages. I’m incredibly lucky to be surrounded by so many people I love and like. I may not ever be able to repay the family for letting me air our dirty laundry, but to help soften the blow, I decided to publish a seasonal drawing courtesy of my niece Sophia. Sophia forgot to put the as in Christmas, which I think is fine since I put the ass in Christmas throughout this book. Fingers crossed the cuteness will make everyone forget about anything they’re mad about.

My forever holiday plus-one, Matt, thank you for the other drawings in this book and for putting up with me during the writing process. I love you.

Thank you to everyone at Sourcebooks! And to my incredible editor Kate Roddy, I’m forever grateful to you for believing in me and these stories.

Kristyn Keene Benton, my agent, and Brittany Perlmuter, my manager, thank you for everything!

Kenny G., I’m sorry I was so hard on you every time my mom played your holiday album back in the day. Moms in the ’90s were right; it’s a beautiful piece of work, so thank you!

Mariah Carey and the Muppets, thank you.

Finally, thank you for reading this book.

Happy Halloween

Happy Thanksgiving

Merry Christmas

Happy Hanukkah

Happy Kwanzaa

Buon Natale

Feliz Navidad

Joyeux Noël

Felizes Festas

Glad helg

…and a very happy New Year to you all!

xo, Danny