Last-Minute Gift Idea: WEED
THIS IS A FAMILY-FRIENDLY BOOK! I’m certainly not saying one should gift another person drugs for the high holy holiday…but I am implying it. Okay, this isn’t really a family book per se. It is explicit, and if The Jolliest Bunch were an album, it would have one of those parental advisory stickers on the cover…because this is meant for adults. Specifically, it’s written for gays and women, although I know there are a lot of straight men sneaking their copies under the covers with a flashlight. On my last book tour, each venue had a minimum of six straight men, who were the best of all the straight men because they were comfortable and confident enough to be in a crowd of women and gays. I see you boys, and I love you!
Anyway, drugs are bad. We know that. But sometimes the healthy ones can be a nice holiday gift idea! I’m specifically talking about weed. You can get someone a sensible (legal) joint or a peppermint edible. Who doesn’t need a little marijuana to escape the stress of the end of the year?
Through high school and college, I steered clear of just about everything drug related. My friends and I liked to get drunk off wine coolers when someone’s parents were out of town, but it was always a safe environment filled with group dancing and snacks. Inevitably, the rest of the group would pair off and start making out, and that’s when I’d cut off the boozing and head on over to those grocery store sprinkle cookies.
Speaking of processed foods, I already told you about my bad high, when I accidentally ate expired body products from Jessica Simpson’s line of goods. One time, I also fortuitously emailed my primary care physician after watching a season-six holiday episode of Full House stoned. On the episode, one of the Tanner girls got a Candy Land board game under the tree. Somehow, I remembered Candy Land playing a part in an earlier episode and decided to email myself this fun trivia fact. The autofill on my email client sent the message to my doctor instead of me, so Dr. D. got an email that said:
In Season 5, episode 14 of Full House Michelle is playing candy land, but in season 6 episode 12, a very Tanner Christmas episode—there’s candy land under tree. She’s getting a gift she already owns!
Dr. D. responded with:
Hi Danny!
Hope you had a nice thanksgiving. haven’t seen either.
-Dr. D.
Oops. Despite my negative experiences, I do want to recommend marijuana as a gift idea! Here’s why:
Before my big brother Bryan had kids and responsibilities, I got him high for Christmas. Specifically, I gave him a weed brownie, then told him to eat a quarter of it and sit his ass in front of the TV where I had one of his favorite movies ready (Old School). While he was watching Will Ferrell and company, I ran out for the rest of his gift. Edibles usually take about an hour to kick in, so I had some time to drive to every nearby fast-food place.
When I got back to the condo we shared, I set all the food on the table and called my big brother into the kitchen. His munchies were strong, and I had all his faves:
- McDonald’s French fries
- Wendy’s cheeseburger
- Garlic parmesan wings from Buffalo Wild Wings
- Taco Bell taco
- Arby’s beef and cheddar
- Dairy Queen soft serve vanilla with crunch coat on for dessert
The gift was a hit! He made his way through the six-course meal in record time and sat back down to finish the movie.
They say experiences make the best gifts, so this year, give someone the experience of the perfect munchies. Fast food is cheap and quick and makes a perfect companion to the stoner experience.