THE FANCY GROCERY STORES ARE ROBBING US EVERY CHRISTMAS, AND IT HAS TO STOP.
I have the fondest memories of making cutout cookies with Mom in early December, rolling out the dough onto a floured surface, pressing the tree-shaped cutter into the mix, and carefully lifting the dough off the counter and onto a baking sheet. The cookies would either be in the shapes of trees from the cutter or round balls that my mom said were snowflakes (even though they were simply round blobs). The treats would come out of the oven, and we’d wait for them to cool before topping them with vanilla icing and red and green sprinkles. That was it—ready to serve.
That tree cookie cutter we used was passed down over generations. As I got older and started going into nicer grocery stores and markets, I learned about the sham business that is the cookie cutter industry. IT MUST STOP. I love making food into shapes. Trust me, there is nothing more fulfilling than seeing your dough turn into a cute little decoration, but those ornate cutters are absolute shit. We are being hoodwinked!
For one thing, the cookie usually expands in the oven, so those tiny cutters end up making something that looks shapeless anyway. I recently bought a Chip and Joanna cookie cutter from their collection, and it was supposed to make cookies in the shape of a house. I’d binged three seasons of Fixer Upper (more on this later) right before going to the store, so I was hypnotized by my love of the show into getting the cookie cutter. It barely makes any fucking sense. Why would I want to serve someone that for the holidays? A farmhouse? I suppose you could make little home cookies for an open house if you were a real estate agent, but we’re stretching the definition of festive here.
That’s not even the craziest one I’ve seen. Williams-Sonoma once tricked me into purchasing a Grinch cookie cutter set, yet none of my cookies ended up looking like Cindy Lou Who, Max the Dog, or Jim Carrey when he terrorized people on the set of the live-action version of How the Grinch Stole Christmas. They all came out of the oven looking like crap. Now I know some of you are reading this and thinking that it’s my fault, that I’m using a cookie recipe that needs to be altered to fit cutout cookies, but I promise you that’s not it. The Grinch baking set is so ornate that you need to be Picasso to make something that resembles Cindy Lou Who. By the way, have you seen Cindy Lou Who? When Ron Howard made the Grinch movie, the actors spent hours in hair and makeup so they could look like the characters in the book. Producers literally had to hire a CIA agent trained in torture endurance to help Jim Carrey get into his insane costume. How the hell can I be expected to make my cookies look even remotely like that?
At least the Grinch cutters are great for fans of the movie. Memorabilia, if you will. I’ve seen upscale markets sell way more absurd shapes. I’ve seen owls, face masks, and even a cat’s ass. That’s right, a shop nearby was selling a cookie cutter that was in the shape of a cat’s bare ass, with a tail that went up. I’m not even sure I’m properly explaining it, but picture a cat’s ass, and that’s what it was. For Christmas!
“You’re selling this cookie cutter of a cat’s ass, why?” I asked the salesclerk.
“For Christmas cookies.”
“What does a cat’s ass have to do with the season?” I asked.
She had no answer for me. Did you ever watch Dawson’s Creek on streaming before they got the rights to air the iconic Paula Cole opening credit music? The theme song they replaced it with was odd and ruined the whole vibe of the show because it just didn’t fit with the adventures of Dawson, Pacey, Joey, Jen, and Grams. The cat’s ass cookie cutter just didn’t fit with Christmas! Maybe the cookie cutter makers saw my elementary school nativity play and decided to build a shape based off the cat?
To anyone out there who makes seasonal cookies with a cat’s bare ass, please reach out and let me know what kind of sprinkles you use to finish them off. Also, if my cookies look too good to be homemade this year, that’s because I gave up and bought some from the store. Don’t tell anyone.