Chapter 31
A Talk with Pa

The very next day, when we got home after school, I could tell Pa was being quieter than usual. There’d been lots of things running through my mind all day, from listening to Pa and Katie the night before. I couldn’t help it. I was worrying again.

I’d been writing, of course, but I wanted to talk to someone about it too. Because of other things I was thinking about, I knew I couldn’t talk to Mrs. Parrish.

Maybe part of me knew that there were things on Pa’s mind. I suppose that’s what drew me out to the barn that afternoon. I knew he was there and I knew he was alone, and I hoped maybe we’d be able to talk a little. We hadn’t for a long time.

When I walked in, I expected to see him shoveling out the stalls, or raking up straw, or fixing or building something. Pa was always busy with his hands. But instead he was just standing there, leaning against a saddle slung over a rail, a piece of straw in his mouth, staring out the window toward the woods across the creek. Just standing there still, not doing anything, not moving.

“Hi, Pa,” I said.

He didn’t seem startled. It was almost as if he expected me. He turned around slowly. I’ll never forget that look on his face—not a smile, but neither was it serious. It was almost a look of relief. I had the feeling he was glad it was me instead of Katie.

“Hi-ya, little girl,” he said. He hadn’t called me that since before he had left New York. I’d forgotten all about it. For a second I was six or seven again! But the present jumped right back at me a moment later.

He didn’t say another word right then, but when I was close enough, he stretched out one of his great long arms, put it around me and drew me into a close hug for several seconds. When he released me and I stepped back, our eyes met, and I could tell we each knew what was on the other’s mind.

It was a special moment with Pa. Right then, despite what he’d just called me, I knew he was looking into my eyes as a grown-up, as someone he cared about, and as someone he needed. Even men, I knew, needed someone to understand, needed someone to feel things with, and at that moment I knew I was that someone for Pa.

“Won’t be long now, huh Pa?” I said with a smile.

“Yeah,” he sighed, letting out a long breath. “Week from Sunday, I reckon.”

Again it was quiet.

“Quite a gal, Miss Kathryn, wouldn’t you say?” he said. He was making conversation, not asking my opinion.

“You’re right there, Pa,” I said. “She’s got what folks call spunk.”

Pa laughed. “Yep, that’s a good word for it—spunk! But you can’t help kinda liking her though.”

“Yeah,” I agreed. “I reckon most anybody’d like Katie Morgan once they met her.”

“What about you, Corrie?” Pa said. “What do you think? Do you like her?” Now he was asking my opinion.

“Of course, Pa,” I said. “I like her okay.”

“You figure she’ll be a good step-ma to the young’uns?”

“I reckon. They all seem to like her a lot. She’s friendly and nice to everybody.”

Pa thought for a moment.

“And what about you? You think you’ll be happy with her being your step-ma?”

“I don’t know, Pa,” I answered. “It has been kinda hard for me to get used to, I suppose. But I want you to be happy and do what you think’s best. And anyhow, like Katie said, I’m getting older and I won’t be around that much longer.”

“What makes you say that?”

Suddenly I realized I’d said too much. I felt my face redden, but I couldn’t take back the words.

“I heard you and Katie talking last night, after I was in bed. I’m sorry for listening, Pa. I couldn’t help it.”

“What’d you hear?”

“Oh, about her thinking I oughta get married pretty soon, before I got too old and turned into a spinster, I suppose.”

Pa shifted his weight uneasily. I could tell he was embarrassed that I’d eavesdropped.

“She had no call to be saying those kinds of things, and I straightened her out too, I want you to know.”

“I do know, Pa,” I said. “I want to thank you for those nice things you said. I felt so proud that you thought that about me. I didn’t know you knew me so well—you know, about the writing and teaching and things I want to do.”

“I ain’t such a dense ol’ goat as I look, Corrie Belle!” Pa laughed. “And I’ve had a talk or two about you with that Parrish woman too. She thinks mighty highly of you.”

I nodded. Pa bringing up Mrs. Parrish just complicated everything in my mind.

We were both quiet for a minute. Pa left the saddle he’d been leaning against, and walked over toward a bale of straw. He looked like he was going to sit down, but then he just gave it a kick and shuffled along farther.

“I don’t know, Corrie,” he finally said. “There’s just something wrong.”

He let out a big breath I could hear clear over where I was halfway across the barn. Then he turned and walked slowly back, kicking at the loose straw with his boot on the wood floor. “You know what I mean, Corrie? You can just feel when things ain’t quite right. She’s a nice enough young woman, and I doubt a fella’d do better writin’ off blind like I done. But I can’t help thinkin’ of Aggie. And Miss Kathryn just ain’t ever gonna be like a ‘mother’ to my kids. She’s more like Nick—like a younger sister or something. I just don’t know that I can ever get so I love her the same as your ma.”

I knew now wasn’t the time for me to say anything. Pa wasn’t a talkative man as a rule, but when stuff started coming out of him, like I’d only seen it do a time or two before, it came out like a river instead of a trickle! I was glad Pa felt he could be that downright honest with me.

“I know a marriage can be a good one without all that being in love sort of thing. It ain’t that I’m expecting anybody to be my wife like your ma was. But when I look in Miss Kathryn’s eyes, there just ain’t nothing there that pulls me and says ‘This here’s the woman I want to be like a new ma to my kids.’ Nick and she do okay together, though they can squabble too . . .”

Pa paced to the window of the barn and looked out.

“There they are now, walking down to the creek, Nick helping her with that second pail of water.”

He turned back toward me.

“You see what I mean, Corrie. It’s different with me. Sometimes I think Nick oughta get himself a woman like that. He’s always needed someone to hog-tie him and keep him outta trouble. But I want a woman who knows what she’s about and keeps her distance a mite more’n Miss Kathryn seems to be able to.”

He stopped, then looked up at me, almost as if he was wondering if I was still there or if he’d just imagined me and had been talking to himself all this time.

I smiled. “Couldn’t you—couldn’t you maybe talk to her again, Pa? Or do you think maybe it’s . . .” I fumbled for words. I didn’t know what I was trying to say. I didn’t know what Pa wanted me to say. My words just kind of ended in the middle of nothing.

But Pa just kept on going. “That’s it, don’t you see? There just ain’t much I can do. I’m a man of my word. Besides that, I figure I’m probably blamed lucky to find a woman like Miss Kathryn who’s willing and able to throw in with an ol’ gold miner with nothing but a big cabin already full of kids and kin. What else is a man my age gonna do, anyway?” He stopped suddenly and gazed out the window again.

“Well, you remember what Rev. Rutledge said about trees crossing our path,” I said.

“Yeah, I remember, Corrie,” he said slowly after a long thoughtful pause. “Matter of fact, the Reverend was making a lot of sense to me that day. Half the time I can’t make heads or tails of what he’s talking about. But I did understand what he said about the trees.”

“Me too,” I said. “I guess we both got trees falling in our way.”

“Maybe it’s the same tree,” said Pa with a sly smile.

I laughed. Quickly his face sobered up again.

“The one thing the minister didn’t say, though,” he added, “is what you’re supposed to do when the tree falls and you can’t go no farther. Sometimes after the tree has blocked one path, it takes a while tramping around in the brush to find the new one! You understand what I’m driving at?”

I smiled again. “I think I do, Pa.”

He looked into my eyes like he had when I’d first come into the barn, then he looked me over from head to toe.

“I meant what you heard me say last night. You ain’t an ordinary young woman by a long stretch!”

“Thank you, Pa.” I knew my eyes were getting wet, but if you can’t cry at a time like that, what’s the use of tears, anyhow?

“No, sir. And I love you, Corrie, love you a lot.”

I put my arms around his waist and hugged him. It felt so good to have his arms reach around and hug me back.