Sarah struggled to make sense of her dream. She’d almost made it to the top of a hill, tired and out of breath, when she felt something jabbing her repeatedly in the shoulder. It took her a few fitful turns before she opened her eyes and realized that it was morning and Lizzy was standing next to her bed.
“Mommy,” she whispered as she continued to poke Sarah’s shoulder. “Remember? I need to put on my new dress for Daddy this morning.”
Sarah groaned inwardly. Why today? She just wanted to sleep in. She wanted Lizzy to go away and leave her alone. Maybe she could bribe her somehow? She was turning the idea over in her mind when another voice quickly charged in. You’re a terrible mother. What is your problem? Get your lazy ass out of bed and take care of your daughter.
The voice was right. She needed to get up. She nodded at Lizzy and gingerly slipped out of bed, holding a finger up to her lips with one hand and motioning to her with other hand to leave the room. Lizzy tiptoed out as Sarah quietly grabbed her yoga pants, a sports bra, and a long sleeve T-shirt from the closet. She followed Lizzy into the hall, closing the bedroom door behind her and leaving Robert to sleep.
Sarah used Lizzy’s bathroom to get dressed. She splashed some water on her face and pulled her hair back in a ponytail. Her wrist ached, and it was starting to show some discoloration. She stretched her shirtsleeves so they would fall down over her hands and went to help Lizzy get dressed.
Lizzy had already pulled on some tights and was buckling her shoes when Sarah walked into her room. Sarah got the dress out of the closet and held it open for Lizzy to slip her arms and head in. She pulled it down over her body and zipped up the back. This accomplished, Lizzy spun around to face Sarah, her face lit up with excitement.
“Can you put my blue and white ribbon in my hair for me?”
Sarah smiled. “Sure. I saw it hanging in your bathroom. I’ll go get it.”
Sarah settled Lizzy in at the kitchen table to color while they waited for Robert to wake up. Her mind was a jumble of thoughts while she started to cook breakfast. She needed to find a way to talk to him about the previous night without becoming bitchy. She should own her part. Apologize. Explain to him that she hadn’t meant to flirt, she’d just been excited. And acknowledge that what she did had been upsetting to him. Tell him she was sorry she’d embarrassed him and that she would try to be better.
She smelled the toast burning and jumped to pop the lever. She was aware of some tightness in her stomach. She was anxious for Robert to get up; she wanted to go to yoga soon and needed to talk to him before she left. They needed to get back to a good place before he went back to LA. She threw the toast in the trash and put two more slices in the toaster.
When Robert finally came downstairs, Lizzy had finished her breakfast and resumed coloring at the table. Sarah was washing the pan she’d used to scramble Lizzy’s eggs. She looked up when he walked in, trying to get a read on his mood.
“Good morning, my beautiful girls,” he said as he came into the kitchen. “I’m making a Starbucks run. Can I get you anything?”
Sarah pointed toward the coffee pot. “I made coffee here,” she said, trying to be upbeat. “And I need to leave for yoga in about a half hour.”
“I’d rather have a latte. I’ll go quickly and be right back.”
Sarah felt a switch flip inside her. She was trying to be good. She had let him sleep in and made him coffee. She had taken care of Lizzy once again. And yet he didn’t appreciate any of that. He was just going to do whatever he wanted to do, without any consideration for her. As always.
“There’s not enough time. And besides, I really need to talk to you about last night.” Sarah heard the sternness in her voice and glanced at Lizzy.
Lizzy looked up at Sarah and then jumped up from the table and ran to Robert. “Daddy, see my new dress!?”
Robert turned to Lizzy and swept her up into his arms. “Yes, I do! And you look absolutely gorgeous! You get more beautiful every day! How about going out with your dad for some hot chocolate with extra whipped cream?”
Lizzy’s face lit up. “Yeah!”
“Run and get your jacket,” he said as he let her slide down to the floor. Lizzy excitedly ran out of the room as Robert picked up his wallet and car keys from the counter.
Sarah felt the tightness in her chest and shoulders. “Why did you do that? I told you I need to talk to you about last night.”
Robert walked around the counter to Sarah and put his arms around her from behind, kissing her cheek and speaking softly into her ear. “What I remember about last night is that you were incredibly sexy.”
Sarah twisted away. “Robert, stop, I’m being serious. Look!” She pulled her sleeve up to show him her bruised wrist, but quickly pulled it down as Lizzy ran back in.
“Here Daddy,” Lizzy said, reaching up to Robert with her jacket in her hand. Robert took the jacket and helped her put it on.
“Hot chocolate, here we come!” he said as he shuffled Lizzy toward the door. He glanced back at Sarah as they left the room. “See you later. Have fun at yoga!”
Sarah glared at him, but he didn’t seem to notice. The flicker of anger she’d been feeling was snuffed out and she slumped back against the counter, dejected. Tears threatened, but she fought back. No, she told herself, suppressing her discouragement. She wasn’t going to let him get to her today. She stood up and started to clean the kitchen—then stopped herself.
“Fuck it!” she said out loud. “If you want a clean kitchen, you can clean it yourself.” She grabbed her purse and keys and headed out the door.
Sarah was still fighting waves of emotions when she got to the dance studio. Anger, sadness, loneliness, and discouragement rose up into her awareness, but she pushed them away. She didn’t want to feel any of them. She was tired of feeling bad all the time. Tired of letting Robert get under her skin. Tired of feeling like a failure.
She pushed open the door to the studio and headed down the hall. There was a jazz class in progress and she hesitated briefly as she passed, a glimmer of interest and longing on her face. She had danced when she was younger, and missed the mindless joy she’d felt when she was moving in an effortless flow with the music. The instructor motioned for her to join, but Sarah shook her head and held up her yoga mat before continuing on to her class.
She stepped quietly into the open, naturally lit room. Some students were already stretching on their mats and others were quietly finding a spot. She glanced around and saw Kate on the far side of the room.
Sarah had met Kate two years earlier, when their daughters started in the same preschool class. Sarah had always felt theirs was an unlikely friendship. Kate was twelve years older than her, although you wouldn’t know it—she was a fit, attractive stay-at-home mom who wrote a food blog and spent a lot of time exercising. Sarah envied her at times, but also knew she would go crazy staying home full time.
Sarah gingerly stepped around the other class participants and quietly unrolled her mat next to Kate. In doing so, her sleeve pulled up to reveal the bruising on her wrist. She quickly pulled it down, tucking the cuff under her thumb.
“Hi Kate,” she whispered.
Kate looked up and smiled broadly. “You made it!”
“Yeah. Barely.” Sarah felt some of her anger at Robert return.
“Something wrong?”
“No. Just a lot on my mind.” If she only knew.
“Want to talk about it?”
Sarah shook her head no. She wished she could talk to Kate, but she was too scared and ashamed. Kate was so together. You can’t let her see what a mess you’ve made of things. She wouldn’t want to be friends with you anymore. She’d see you for who you really are: a complete fuckup. “I just need a little time to relax.”
“Well, you’ve come to the right place!”
Sarah sat down on her mat and started stretching. She felt a little better already. Spending time with Kate always left her feeling lighter. Kate was such a positive person, always calm and friendly. Nothing seemed to faze her.
“Are you still okay to take Emma tomorrow?” Kate asked as she shifted her body to stretch in the other direction.
“Of course. It’s all Lizzy can talk about—a sleepover on a school night! You’d think I’d told her she could have ice cream three meals a day.”
Kate smiled. “I know. Emma’s pretty excited too.”
“So, what are you and Will planning? Or is it a surprise?”
Kate laughed. “I think we’ve been married too long for anything to be a surprise anymore. We’re taking a ferry over to Bainbridge Island. I found a great little bed-and-breakfast. And no television or Wi-Fi. We’re taking our hiking shoes and we both have books. I think that’s about all we’ll need!”
“Sounds wonderful,” Sarah said, trying not to sound wistful. “I love that you do these date-night getaways.”
“A little trick we learned from our marriage counselor.”
“Really? But you have such a great marriage. Why would you need a marriage counselor?” Stupid! Why did you say that? You shouldn’t ask a question like that. That’s too personal.
As usual, Kate wasn’t rattled. “Well, we work at it. After sixteen years and four kids, you need a little tune-up now and then.”
Sarah forced a smile. She wasn’t sure a tune-up would be enough. Her marriage needed a total overhaul. There was no way she’d ever be able to convince Robert to go to a counselor. He would just laugh in her face. But maybe a weekend away together would help. Just the two of them, with time to reconnect. He might go for that. Maybe she could go down to LA with him sometime when school was on break. He knew she missed Southern California. She could drive down to San Diego while he was working and see friends. Sarah felt excited at the thought. She would talk to him about it when she got home.
She stretched her legs out in front of her and brought her head to her knees, just resting in the stretch. Her thoughts continued to drift until the yoga teacher stood and calmly addressed the class.
“Good morning, everyone . . .”
Sarah was still thinking about the idea of a trip with Robert when she walked in the front door and saw him sitting in a chair by the window, sipping coffee from a Starbucks cup and reading the paper. Her hopefulness about reconnecting with him faded as her anger crept back in. This was his idea of father–daughter time? Had he come home and parked Lizzy in front of a video?
“Where’s Lizzy?” she asked, trying to keep the edge out of her voice.
“We ran into Elena,” Robert said without looking up from his paper. “She was on her way to the park with Sonia, so Lizzy went with them.”
Sarah’s anger erupted. She threw her purse and mat onto a chair. “Seriously!?” she screamed. “You can’t even spend two hours with your daughter? You have to pass her off on a friend so you can drink coffee and read the paper? You’re leaving again tomorrow and you’ll have all kinds of alone time. Don’t you care at all about your daughter? She might as well be fatherless.”
Robert looked up a Sarah. “For God’s sake Sarah, not again. Stop trying to make me the All-American Dad.”
“As if that would ever be remotely possible,” Sarah said, crossing her arms in front of her body.
“Jesus, get off my back.” Robert threw the paper down and got up out of his chair. “All I wanted was a little downtime to read the paper. Besides, Lizzy wanted to go with Elena and Sonia.” He turned abruptly and started walking out of the room.
“No way, Robert! Don’t you dare leave. We need to talk about last night. You really hurt me. Again!” She rushed over to Robert and held her wrist up to his face to reveal the bruising.
He sighed. “Why are you making such a big deal out of this? I said I was sorry. I certainly didn’t intend to hurt you. I can’t help it if you bruise like a peach. I’m really tired of your overreacting. It’s over and done with, so let’s just drop it, can we?”
Sarah shook her head and rolled her eyes. “Fine. Whatever.”
“Thank you. Now if you don’t mind, I have some work to do.” Robert turned to leave.
Sarah wasn’t ready to let it go. “What about Lizzy? Do you plan to find some time for her?”
Robert stopped, dropped his head, and turned slowly back to Sarah. When he spoke, his voice was even and conciliatory. “Fine. Why don’t we all go out to dinner tonight? We can go to Luigi’s like you wanted.”
Sarah smiled weakly and nodded her head, appreciating the small victory. Going out to dinner as a family would be good for them. “I think Lizzy would like that.”
“Good. Let’s make it early so we can beat the crowds. I’m on the first flight out tomorrow, so I want some time to pack before the game starts.” He started out of the room, then stopped and looked at Sarah. “Oh, and clean up that mess in the kitchen. It’s disgusting in there. You know how I feel about that.” He turned again to leave.
“Fuck you,” Sarah said under her breath.
Robert turned back. “What?”
Don’t go there, Sarah. Stop while you’re ahead. He’s agreed to dinner. Lizzy loves Luigi’s. Just keep your stupid mouth shut for once. Do what he says.
“Sorry about the kitchen. I was running late for yoga, so I was going to clean it up as soon as I got back.”
Robert smiled. “Good girl.”
Sarah watched as Robert walked down the hall. She slowly picked up her yoga mat and purse before going to clean the kitchen.