Sarah’s alarm crept into her dream, mimicking the sound of a foghorn. It took her a moment to rouse herself; when she finally realized where the beeping was coming from, she reached out clumsily to turn it off before dragging herself out of bed and down the hall to Lizzy’s room.
Lizzy was still sleeping soundly. Sarah opened the blinds and squinted, raising her hand up in front of her face to block the light. She went to Lizzy’s bedside and gently shook her shoulder.
“Wake up, Liz. Time for school.”
Lizzy pulled away from Sarah’s hand. “No. I don’t wanna go.”
“I’m not gonna fight about this today,” Sarah said as she turned to leave. “Just get dressed.” She couldn’t do this again. Every day this week Lizzy had resisted getting up, and Sarah’s reserves were deeply in the red.
“When’s Daddy coming back?”
Sarah turned back, irritated and discouraged. “I told you yesterday: I don’t know. Now get dressed so we won’t be late.” When she was halfway out the door, Lizzy shouted after her.
“He left because of you! It’s all your fault!”
“Lizzy, stop it. I can’t handle this today.”
“No! I won’t stop! You made him leave!”
“I did not make him leave,” Sarah said, her voice getting louder and more agitated. “Now quit being such an immature brat and get out of that bed and get ready for school. Right now!”
“Yes, you did! You did too make him leave. I know you did. It’s all your fault. I don’t want you for my mother. I want to be with Daddy.”
“Well you can’t be with Daddy! So shut the fuck up and get dressed!”
Lizzy threw several toys after Sarah as she stormed out of the room, barely missing her head. “I hate you! You’re a horrible mother!”
Remorse washed over Sarah. She’s right. You don’t deserve to be a mother. Who screams and swears at their kid like that? And you should have been a better wife. You should have done things differently. You should have worked harder to make him happier with you. She’s right. It is your fault that he left. You really are a worthless piece of shit. You can’t do anything right. You never should have been born.
She dragged herself back to her room. You really have fucked everything up. The world would be better off without you. Lizzy would be better off without you. She slowly pulled on a pair of yoga pants and a sweatshirt. The heaviness in her body felt overwhelming. She couldn’t do this today. She felt too tired to even stand up. She collapsed onto her bed, reached for her cell phone, and dialed Kate.
“Hey Sarah,” Kate said after the second ring. “How are you doing?”
“Not great. I just had a big fight with Lizzy, and I feel so drained and tired. Would you mind taking her to school this morning?”
“Not at all. I should be ready to leave here in about five minutes.”
“Thanks,” Sarah said quietly. “I really appreciate it.” She set down the phone, lay down on the bed, and fell asleep almost immediately.
Sarah didn’t stir when Kate peeked in twenty minutes later. Kate decided to let her sleep. She wrote her a short note and left it on her nightstand, then went to check on Lizzy’s progress.
Seeing Emma had hugely improved Lizzy’s mood; she was already dressed and ready to leave.
“Have you had any breakfast yet?” Kate asked her, scouring the kitchen for something quick.
“Nope. But I could just eat a bagel in the car.”
“Great idea!” Kate said. She grabbed a bagel and a juice box from the pantry for Lizzy. “You two go buckle in and I’ll be right there.” As the girls scurried out, she dug her phone out of her purse and called Maggie.
After several rings, Maggie finally answered. “Hi Kate. Is everything okay?”
“I’m not sure,” Kate said. “Sarah called me to take Lizzy to school this morning and went right back to bed. She was asleep when I got here.” She hesitated briefly. “I don’t know. It’s been over a week. I guess I’m feeling a little worried.”
“Yeah, I don’t know what’s normal. I mean, I get that she’s been through a double whammy here with the baby and Robert, but she seems really down. Sick, even.”
“I agree. I’m worried that she’s really depressed. It would probably be good for her to see a doctor, or even a therapist. I was going to check in with her this morning, but I’m doing a cooking demonstration downtown today so my time is tight to get the girls to school. I opted to just let her sleep.”
“She probably needs it,” Maggie said. “I could stop by after school and check in on her.”
“That would be great,” Kate said, relieved. “I left her a note that Will would pick Lizzy up from school. I’ll have him take her home to play with Emma so you can have some time with Sarah.”
“Sounds like a plan. Thanks Kate.”
“Absolutely. I just want her to feel better.”
“I know,” Maggie said. “Me too.”
Maggie thought about Sarah periodically throughout the day. She wanted to help but wasn’t sure how. She knew better than to say this to Sarah, but she thought she was wallowing too much. It was time to get over it and come back to work. She’d feel better if she would just get back on the horse, so to speak. It couldn’t be good to just be sleeping all the time. Kate mentioned that she might be depressed. Maggie made a mental note to ask her more about that. She’d never known anyone who was depressed, so she wasn’t sure what that would look like. Or how to help. Maybe Kate was right. Maybe Sarah needed a therapist.
She left school just as the rain started coming down more heavily. She’d left her umbrella in the car that morning, seduced by the subtle sunshine peeking through the clouds. So much for our sunshiny day, she thought as she covered her head with her book bag and jogged to the parking lot. She tried to think of things to say to Sarah on the drive to her house, but she was still at a loss when she pulled into the driveway. She dreaded going in.
“You can do this,” she said aloud as she got out of the car and sprinted to the front door. She rang the bell and waited, but there was no answer. She reached for the door handle and tried it; it was unlocked. She opened the door and found the house dark and still. She went up to Sarah’s room, tapped twice on the open door, and walked in.
The room was cluttered with clothes and used Kleenex. Sarah was sitting on the unmade bed looking at something in her hand. Maggie picked up a handful of Kleenex from the floor and tossed them into the trash can on her way to the bed. When she drew closer, she realized what Sarah was holding: a grainy, black-and-white ultrasound photo.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she said as she sat down next to Sarah. “It scares me and I don’t know what to do to help.”
“I just feel so bad,” Sarah said continuing to stare at the photo.
“I know.” Maggie motioned to the photo. “But maybe you need to put that away for a while.”
“I don’t want to put it away,” Sarah said looking up at Maggie with tears in her eyes. “It’s all I have left of the baby to hold on to.”
“But that’s just it, Sarah. You can’t hold on to it anymore. It’s gone.” She paused a minute, trying to think of what would be best to say next. Something that would help Sarah think and feel differently. “You have to focus on the positive,” she said. “At least you have Lizzy.”
Sarah stood up abruptly, flailing her arms. “Damn it, Maggie,” she shouted. “I’m tired of everyone saying that. Is that supposed to make me feel better? Because it doesn’t. It makes me feel worse. I look at Lizzy and see all that I’ve lost.”
Maggie sat stunned, not knowing what to say and cursing herself for totally blowing it yet again.
“Every day I imagine them growing up together, playing and laughing,” Sarah continued in a small voice. “I see birthdays and holidays. Picture after picture. I can’t stop the pictures. I can’t make the pictures go away.” She dropped to her knees in front of Maggie and began to sob, still clutching the ultrasound picture. “I can’t make them go away . . .”
Maggie knelt down next to Sarah and put an arm around her. Still not knowing what to say, she just held Sarah quietly until her sobbing subsided to a quiet whimper.
“I know this is really hard right now. But you won’t always feel this way. It’ll get better.”
Sarah shook her head. “It won’t get better. I’ve screwed everything up. The world would be better off without me. Lizzy would be better off without me”
“Don’t say that. That’s not at all true, especially not about Lizzy.”
“She hates me.”
“She doesn’t hate you. She’s just having a hard time right now. Kids always say things like that when they’re mad. But it’s not true. You’re a great mother.”
“Great mothers don’t give their kids broken homes and absent fathers.”
“Sarah, stop. You can’t blame yourself for Robert.”
“I married him, didn’t I?”
Maggie didn’t respond. She knew from Sarah’s tone that anything she said right now would not be well received. Better to just keep quiet.
Sarah looked away from Maggie. “Everything sucks. I can’t go on like this.” She stood up and walked out of the room. Maggie sat there for a moment, feeling both sad and helpless. Tears rose up, stinging her eyes. She took a deep breath and exhaled forcefully through her mouth before pulling herself up off the floor and following Sarah downstairs. She found her standing at the kitchen counter, staring blankly into space.
“You okay?” Maggie asked.
“Yeah,” Sarah said, and her voice did seem much calmer. “I’m sorry. I’m just really tired. Kate will be here in about an hour with the girls. I think I’ll take a nap until then.”
“I can hang out until they get here.”
“Don’t be silly. You’ve got better things to do than sit here while I’m sleeping.”
“You sure? I really don’t mind. I can read one of these wonderful periodicals you’ve got here.” Maggie motioned to a stack of magazines on the side table.
Sarah nodded, smiling. “Yes. I’m sure. I just feel drained. A nap will do me good.” She gave Maggie a quick, fierce hug. “Now go—get out of here.” She gently pushed Maggie toward the front door.
“Yes, ma’am!” Maggie said. She felt relieved that Sarah seemed more serene now—even happy. She grabbed her purse from the counter and exaggerated her prancing toward the front door.
Driving home, Maggie thought about what Sarah had said. That she didn’t understand what she had lost. She was probably right: she didn’t get it. She didn’t have children, so how could she understand? She scolded herself for being selfish and vowed to be more thoughtful.
She was starting up the final flight of stairs to her apartment when she heard her phone ring from the depths of her cavernous bag. Maybe it was Ryan! She leapt up two steps at a time and quickly unlocked the door before rummaging for her phone. She glanced at the screen. Not Ryan.
“Hi Kate,” she said, as she dropped her bag on the floor.
“Hey Maggie. You sound out of breath.”
“Yeah. I just ran up the stairs. I definitely need to do more cardio!” she said, still breathing heavily. “Are you at Sarah’s?”
“No. That’s why I’m calling,” Kate said. “I got a voicemail from her asking me to keep Lizzy for the night. Something about being tired and also not wanting anyone to go out in the storm.”
“Well, it is nasty out. The rain is really coming down, and it’s pretty windy too. I can understand wanting to stay put.”
“Yeah, maybe,” Kate said. “But when I tried to call her back she didn’t answer. I just wanted to check in with you to see how she was doing. She sounded really distant on the voicemail, but maybe that was just her tiredness.”
“She was upset when I got there, but then she actually seemed better by the time I left. Calmer, and even joking with me a little. I offered to stay, but she shooed me out. She said you’d be there in an hour . . .” Maggie paused, her thoughts speeding up and her words slowing down. “She . . . wanted . . . to take . . . a nap . . .” She stopped, remembering Sarah’s comments. That the world would be better off without her. That Lizzy would be better off without her. That she couldn’t go on anymore. Maggie’s stomach tightened. She felt like she was going to throw up.
“Maggie? Are you there?” Kate asked.
Maggie barely heard her. Her head was spinning with disparate voices. One was saying that Sarah would never do something like that, and another was berating her for being so blind. Sarah had just told her that her mother had committed suicide. And Maggie had been the one who had drawn the comparison to her mother. Why hadn’t she put two and two together? Why hadn’t the thought even occurred to her?
“Shit!” she muttered under her breath. She was having trouble thinking. She needed to get back there.
“Kate, I’ve got to go,” she said, and hung up the phone without waiting for a response. She grabbed her keys, scooped her bag up off the floor, and rushed out the door.
Kate looked at the phone in her hand, puzzled by Maggie’s behavior. She knew Maggie could be a bit flaky at times, but something seemed off. She’d hung up so abruptly. What had happened? She tried calling her back, but she didn’t answer. She decided to try Sarah again, but no luck there either.
She felt a nagging in her gut but blew it off, sure that she was worrying over nothing. Sarah was tired. She was probably sound asleep. She might even have turned the phone off. A good night’s sleep would be good for her. And the girls would have a fun night together. She’d go over and check on Sarah in the morning.
Sarah heard the phone ring as she climbed back up the stairs with a bottle of Robert’s vodka, but she decided to ignore it. She felt amazingly peaceful. She took a big gulp straight from the bottle, then set it down on her makeup table, grimacing, before going to the bathroom. She opened the medicine cabinet and took out two prescription pill bottles. She looked at the bottles and then at her reflection in the mirror. Tears began to blur her vision, and she quickly looked away. She carried the pill bottles back to her makeup table. Her hands were shaking as she put them down. She picked up the vodka bottle with both hands and took another gulp.
It’s okay. This is the right thing to do. Lizzy will be better off. Robert will step up and give her a good life. She deserves that, and you can’t give it to her. It’s clear how worthless you are. You’re terrible for her. She needs stability, not a crazy person for a mother. She’ll be better off without you. She’ll forget all about you. Everyone will forget you. Nobody will care.
She sat down at the table, picked up a pen, and wrote, “For Lizzy—when the time is right” on the envelope in front of her. She carefully set it aside, took another swig of vodka, and grabbed a blank sheet of paper. She felt both resolved and numb as she began to write:
“Dear Lizzy—I know there is probably not anything I could say that would help you to understand . . .”
Maggie cursed loudly as she drove frantically through the heavy rain and wind. Her anxiety had now escalated to terror; she dreaded what she might find when she got to Sarah’s house. She realized that she hadn’t thought this through. Maybe she should have called 911. But what if she was wrong? She thought of all the times Sarah had accused her of being overly dramatic. Of overreacting. She tried to reassure herself that this was probably just one of those times. Sarah was probably sound asleep. If Maggie was wrong about all this, and paramedics came charging into her home for no reason . . . She would never let Maggie forget it.
This line of thought soothed Maggie for a brief moment, but the adrenaline surged again as she pulled into Sarah’s driveway. She quickly turned off her car and ran through the driving rain to the front door. She tried the handle; the door was locked this time. She rang the bell and pounded on the door: no response. She ran around to the back of the house and up onto the deck, silently praying that the French doors would be unlocked.
“Shit!” she said out loud when the door wouldn’t budge. She ran back to the front of the house, wondering if Sarah had a hidden key. She looked under the potted plants and ran her hand over the door-frame. Nothing. Her heart was pounding and her stomach churned. She fought back tears and shivered as the cold water dripped from her drenched hair onto her face.
“Think, Maggie, think!” she said aloud, searching for ideas. She started looking for a rock—if nothing else, she could break a window—and then she noticed Sarah’s car in the driveway. What are the chances? She ran to the car. It was unlocked! She scanned the front seat and grabbed the remote for the garage door. Her adrenaline spiked again as she pushed the button. Nothing. She tried again. Still nothing.
“Shit,” she said, realizing the battery must be dead. She returned to the idea of breaking a window—and then another thought occurred to her: maybe the battery in her remote was the same as Sarah’s.
She ducked out of Sarah’s car, grabbed the remote from her car, and ran back to Sarah’s. She exchanged the batteries, pushed the button, and the door started to lift. “Thank God,” she said aloud as she sprinted through the garage and into the dark house.
“Sarah?! Sarah?!” she yelled as she ran from room to room, flipping light switches as she went. She raced up the stairs two at a time, her heart pounding in her chest, and pushed open the door to the master bedroom.
Pills were scattered all over the floor, along with crumpled writing paper and a spilled vodka bottle. She heard the shower running through the closed bathroom door.
She burst through the door to see Sarah sitting on the floor of the shower, fully clothed and soaking wet, her arms wrapped around her knees. She was rocking and crying under the steady stream of water and seemed unaware of Maggie’s presence.
Maggie dropped to the floor, tears of relief streaming down her face. She sat there for a few minutes, thinking Sarah would notice her, but Sarah just kept rocking and crying. Finally, she crawled into the shower and wrapped her arms around Sarah. She wasn’t sure how she would react, but Sarah immediately leaned into her embrace, letting her head fall down onto Maggie’s shoulder. They sat quietly in each other’s arms until Sarah broke the silence.
“I couldn’t do it,” she said softy. “I couldn’t do it to Lizzy.”
“It’s okay,” Maggie said, holding her closer.
“I hated her for leaving me.”
“I know,” Maggie said. She reached up with one hand and turned the shower off and continued to hold Sarah. As Sarah’s sobs began to ease, Maggie sat silently, as much out of respect as out of numbness. She felt at a complete loss for anything to say. She didn’t understand. She loved life and couldn’t begin to imagine killing herself. She felt completely out of her league and had no idea what would be helpful right now. She was afraid anything she might say would be completely wrong or even hurtful. So she waited.
“Maggie, I’m really messed up,” Sarah finally said, her voice trembling. “I need some help.”
“Okay. We’ll find someone,” Maggie said, trying to sound reassuring despite her own anxiety. She needed Kate. Kate would know what to do. Sarah shivered slightly and Maggie realized they were both ice cold.
“We should get some dry clothes for both of us,” she said.
“Yeah,” Sarah said, her teeth chattering. “I’m really cold.”
Maggie helped her get up and handed her a towel before grabbing one for herself. Once they were in dry clothes, Sarah crawled under the covers of her bed, still shivering.
“Have you had anything to eat today?” Maggie asked.
“I can’t remember.”
“I think you could use something warm. Do you have any soup?”
Sarah nodded. “Probably. In the pantry.”
“Okay. You rest and I’ll go see what I can rustle up.”
Sarah nodded again and closed her eyes. Maggie went downstairs and immediately called Kate.
“Maggie. Is everything okay?”
“Yes and no. Do you think you could come over?”
“Sure. As soon as Will gets home to watch the girls. He just left to take the boys over to their Scout meeting, but he’ll be back in a few minutes.”
“Thanks, Kate. I really appreciate it.”
“No problem. See you in a few.”
Maggie hung up the phone and found a can of chicken noodle soup in the pantry. Perfect. She felt the tension in her body recede and realized she was hungry too. She’d make Sarah’s soup and then see what she could find for herself. While the soup heated up, she searched through several cabinets and found a bowl, some saltines, and a tray. When it was bubbling, she poured it into the bowl and carried the tray upstairs.
Sarah was sitting up in bed. Her color was better and she was no longer shivering. Maggie handed her the tray.
“Thanks,” Sarah said. She took the tray without looking at Maggie. She was embarrassed, sure that her friend was probably thinking she was nuts. And maybe she was. What had made her get to this point? How could she have even considered killing herself after the torment she’d felt when her mother died? She would never want to put Lizzy through something like that.
“My pleasure,” Maggie said. “Do you want anything else? Some tea, maybe?”
“No, this is good for now,” Sarah said. She felt awkward. She needed to say something. Maggie was probably totally freaked out.
Maggie backed away slowly. “Sounds good. I’m actually feeling a bit hungry myself, so I’m—”
“Maggie, I feel really stupid . . .”
“Sarah, don’t. You’re just really hurting. It’s going to be okay. I called Kate and she’ll be over soon and we can all talk about it.”
Sarah could tell Maggie was uncomfortable. She cringed internally. She hated them seeing what a weak, horrible, crazy person she was. It was bad enough that Maggie knew, but now Kate too? Why had Maggie even come back? She would have been okay. She never could have gone through with it. Nobody would have ever known.
“What did you tell Kate?” she asked.
“Nothing. I just asked if she could come over.”
“Good,” Sarah said. “I’m fine now and I don’t want to make a big deal about this. I was having a bad moment, but I wouldn’t have ever really done anything. So I don’t want to talk about it with Kate.”
“But Kate will—”
“Maggie. I’m okay. I admit I’ve been depressed and it would probably be good to talk to a therapist or something. So we can talk to Kate about that. But that’s all. Okay?”
“Yeah. Okay,” Maggie said. “But how am I going to explain asking her to come over? She’s going to think I’m a total drama queen.”
“No worries,” Sarah said, smiling. “She already knows that about you.”
Maggie frowned—and then returned Sarah’s smile. “Yeah, guess so. Ever the drama queen. And right now, darling, I’m absolutely starving! So, you enjoy your soup. I’m gonna go get something for myself.”
Sarah chuckled. “Sounds good.”