Sarah felt lighter as she left Monica’s office. More at peace. Her mind was surprisingly quiet. She had several hours before she needed to pick Lizzy up from school, so she got in her car and drove aimlessly for a while—and then an idea struck her. The rain had stopped and the sun was peeking through the patchy clouds. It would be nice to be outside. She turned the car around and headed for Green Lake.
The crispness of the light breeze and the warmth of the sun on her skin energized her as she started her walk. The nice weather had brought more people out than usual. Mothers with strollers, joggers, couples walking hand in hand. She found herself smiling as she thought back to taking walks here with Matt. It had been one of their favorite things to do, just walking and talking.
Her smile turned into a frown as she realized that it wasn’t something she and Robert had ever done. In fact, they’d never done much together that was fun. She thought back over their relationship, wondering why she’d been attracted to him. He was clearly handsome and charismatic. And powerful. She’d felt so vulnerable after Matt left, and Robert had made her feel safe right from the beginning. And wanted. When he’d told her he wanted to take her home that first night, she hadn’t been able to say no. She’d never told anyone that, not even Maggie. She’d been ashamed. Matt was the only man she’d slept with before Robert, and that had only been after months of dating. And then to turn around and sleep with someone she’d just met—and without protection, no less? She had thought she was okay. She’d counted it out in her head. And she hadn’t wanted to do anything to spoil the moment. Thinking about it now made her feel queasy.
What a stupid, slutty, irresponsible thing to do. How could you have been so careless? No wonder Robert was pissed when you told him you were pregnant. What did you expect? You should have taken precautions. This whole mess was your fault.
“Stop it!” Sarah said aloud—and then quickly looked around to see if anyone had heard her. She felt overwhelmed. She couldn’t stand the voice anymore. She was tired of it. She just wanted to make it go away. An image of her mother popped into her head. Maybe that was how she had felt. Sarah didn’t remember her father ever having anything positive to say to her mother. Or to her, for that matter. He had always been critical. And mean. So abusive, often hitting and choking her mother. She shuddered as she remembered how afraid she’d always felt around him.
Her mother must have felt that too. Maybe that’s why she never stood up to him. She’d been too afraid and beaten down. Sarah thought back to her loneliness as a child and how much she had longed for more of her mother—more connection, more affection. She had never been there for Sarah. She’d stayed locked in her room all the time. Sarah had hated her for that. But she hadn’t understood depression back then. Tears formed in Sarah’s eyes. She’d never fully considered what it had been like for her mother. How the beatings and the verbal abuse must have taken their toll. How helpless and trapped she must have felt.
Anger at her father exploded in her chest. She wanted to stand up to him now in a way she hadn’t when she was young. To talk back. To find a way to make him stop. Her stride quickened and she felt a little stronger.
“On your left,” a voice called and a bicyclist whizzed by, startling Sarah from her thoughts. She looked at her watch. It was close to noon. Maggie would be getting lunch soon. Maybe she’d be up for a last-minute rendezvous.
To her delight, Maggie picked up on the first ring. “Hey there. I was just about to call you.”
“Great minds think alike,” Sarah said. “I wanted to see if you had time to grab a quick lunch.”
“I’ll do you one better. I won a lunch basket from that contest the deli was having. The one, by the way, that you didn’t bother to enter because you said we’d never win! Now who told you so!”
Sarah laughed. “That’s great. I stand corrected. Good for you!”
“Good for both of us! Why don’t I bring it over and we can have a picnic on your deck? Take advantage of this nice day.”
“That would be great,” Sarah said. “But you won’t have enough time for that. I could just meet you at school.”
“It’s a minimum day today. Which you would know if you weren’t lounging around at home.”
“I am not lounging around at home,” Sarah said, laughing. “I’ll have you know that I just walked around Green Lake. Which I dare say is more exercise than you’ve gotten today.”
“Sad but true. I’ve been trapped inside these cinder block walls. And I’m desperate to escape. Want to just meet at your house? I’ll be done here in under an hour.”
“Sounds good. I’ll see you there.”
Sarah was setting the table on the deck when Maggie arrived.
“Hello,” Maggie called out from the entryway.
“I’m out here,” Sarah called back.
Maggie rushed out onto the deck with a large basket and plopped it down on the table. “Check this out!” She began pulling out a seemingly never-ending stream of items: bread, cheese, lunch meats, salads, and a bottle of Chardonnay.
“Wow! What a feast. Let me grab a corkscrew and a couple wine glasses.”
Maggie opened all the containers as Sarah opened and poured the wine. They both loaded up their plates and settled in to eat. Maggie raised her glass to toast.
“To good food, good drink, and BFFs!”
Sarah raised her glass to Maggie’s and smiled before taking a sip. The thought of confessing to Maggie about her first time with Robert jumped into her head. She hesitated a moment, trying to talk herself out of it, but then impulsively pushed ahead.
“I was thinking about something today that I’ve never told anyone.”
“You have my attention.” Maggie took a big bite of a baguette slathered with Italian salami and Havarti cheese and, with her mouth still full, said, “Do tell.”
“I need to start by saying this is hard for me to say. I feel really embarrassed. So no joking, okay?”
Maggie put her food down and looked at Sarah. “Yeah, of course.”
“I was thinking about when Robert and I got together. I met him in a coffee shop one morning when I was studying. He asked me out to dinner that night and I ended up going home with him.”
“Uh-huh.”
“That’s it,” Sarah said. “I had sex with him the day I met him.”
“Okay,” Maggie paused. “So, how was it?”
“Maggie! I said no jokes. I feel really ashamed. Like a slut or something.”
Maggie visibly struggled to suppress her smile. “I’m sorry. I wasn’t joking. I just didn’t know what you were getting at.”
“Well, you’re smiling now. Why aren’t you taking this seriously?”
“I’m sorry. I get that this feels big to you, but I’ve got to tell you, you’re not the first good girl to do something like that. And you’re sure as hell not the first person to have sex on the first date!”
“So you don’t think I’m a terrible person?”
“Hell no,” Maggie said as she resumed eating.
“Well, there’s more,” Sarah said. “That’s also when I got pregnant with Lizzy.”
Maggie’s eyes popped open and she put her food down again. “Well, that’s more newsworthy! So is that why he wanted you to get an abortion?”
Sarah nodded. “Yeah. But I was almost three months already when I found out. I’d done a home pregnancy test that was negative, so I just thought my period was messed up or something. And we were getting along well then. We were together all the time. He was upset at first but then completely changed his mind and said we should get married. So we did.”
“Wow. That must have created some waves at the Jenkins household!”
“That’s an understatement. His parents were really upset, especially his mother. She went off about how I’d trapped him.”
“What a bitch!”
“Yeah. It felt pretty yucky to me. But Robert assured them that getting married was what he wanted. And he was able to appease his mother with the promise of a grandchild. In the end they all talked and decided to do the wedding quickly so their friends wouldn’t really know.”
“Well, people aren’t dumb. They could have done the math when the baby was born.”
Sarah shook her head again. “They never sent out birth announcements. They never even talked about Lizzy until she was older.”
“Boy,” Maggie said. “They really are something. The powers of denial and deception run deep in that family.”
“Yeah. I know that’s why Robert is avoiding me. He probably doesn’t want to deal with telling them.”
“So he hasn’t told them you’ve split up?”
“Not that I’m aware of. But I don’t know for sure. He hasn’t called me.”
“Since when?” Maggie asked as she leaned over her plate to shovel a big spoonful of pasta salad into her mouth.
“Well . . .” Sarah hesitated. She knew Maggie wasn’t going to like the answer.
“Well, what?”
“We traded a couple voicemails.”
“And when was that?”
“Right after I got out of the hospital.” Sarah cringed, anticipating Maggie’s negative reaction.
“That’s totally lame! He hasn’t even called to check up on you? What an asshole! Have you tried the home number?”
Sarah shuddered. “No way! Not after that last fiasco!”
“All the more reason to do it,” Maggie said, getting up from the table.
“What are you doing?”
“Getting you the phone,” Maggie said before disappearing into the house.
“Forget it, Maggie,” Sarah called after her. “No,” Maggie said as she came back out with the phone. “It’s high time you stand up to him.”
Stand up to him. The words echoed in Sarah’s head. She didn’t stand up to Robert. Much like her mother never stood up to her father. Maggie was right. She needed to talk to him. Make some kind of plan. For Lizzy, if not for herself.
She took the phone from Maggie. “You’re right. He needs to talk to me.”
Maggie lifted her wine glass to Sarah. “Damn straight! Be strong!”
“Thanks.” Sarah dialed the number, her mind churning. “But what if that woman answers? What should I say?”
“Just ask for Robert. You don’t need to say anything to her.”
Maggie was right again. She had every right to be calling him. She was still his wife, after all. And Lizzy was their daughter. That was always going to be true. The phone rang four times. Sarah was considering hanging up when a man answered the phone. She was caught off guard. Had she dialed the wrong number?
“Hello?” the man said again.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” Sarah said, regaining her composure. “I was trying to reach Robert. Robert Jenkins.”
“He can’t come to the phone right now,” the man said politely. “Can I give him a message?”
“Sure,” Sarah said. “I’m sorry, but can I ask who you are?”
“I’m Sam, Robert’s partner.”
Shit. She was interrupting him during work. Robert hated that. This was the worst possible time to start a conversation with him. She needed to graciously get off the phone as quickly as possible.
“Hi Sam. I’m really sorry to have bothered you. If you could just ask Robert to call me when he’s free, I’d appreciate it.”
“I’d be happy to,” Sam said good-naturedly, “but you’ll have to let me know who you are.”
“Oh, I’m sorry. Of course.” So much for a quick, graceful exit! “This is Sarah. Just ask him to call Sarah.”
“I will do that, Sarah.”
“Thanks,” Sarah said and quickly hung up the phone.
Maggie frowned. “What was that all about?”
“His business partner. They must be working. I got so flustered, I just wanted to get off the phone. It’s bad enough that I’m calling on the home phone, but to also be interrupting his work . . . not a good combination.”
“Well, the hell with it. Serves him right for not calling you back. Maybe it will get his attention. You need to stop tiptoeing around him and just tell him off.”
“I know. Believe me, nothing would feel better. But I also know that I need to find some way to be civil for Lizzy’s sake.”
“Yeah, I guess you’re right. But he really gets my goat sometimes.”
Sarah smiled. “Tell me about it!”
When Robert turned the water off and pulled the shower curtain open, Sam’s broad smile was beaming up at him.
Robert grabbed a towel from the rack. “That’s a shit-eating grin if I ever saw one. What gives?” Sam was an open book, easy to read. Something was clearly going on.
Sam folded his arms and leaned back into the wall. “Guess who I just talked to?”
Robert rubbed his head with the towel. “I haven’t a clue. You know I hate these guessing games.”
“I know,” Sam said feigning a pout, “but it wouldn’t hurt you to play along once in a while.”
“Fine, your highness. I’ll play along. My guess is that it was Tom Ford.”
“No, it was not Tom Ford! Which is lucky for you because if it were, your sorry, dripping-wet ass would be standing here alone right now!”
“Okay,” Robert said, wrapping the towel around his waist and walking out into the bedroom, “I give up. Who did you just talk to?”
“Your wife.”
“Oh, so now you’re talking to yourself? And exactly what did you have to say?”
“No, darling. Your female wife. Sarah. She just called here.”
Robert pulled a T-shirt over his head. “Really? What did she say?”
“She wanted to know who I was and then asked for you to call her when you were free.”
Robert frowned as he stepped into a pair of boxers. “What did you tell her?”
“I said I’d give you the message.”
“You know that’s not what I meant,” Robert said. “What did you say about who you were?”
“I told her my name and said I was your partner.”
Robert’s face flushed. “You outed me to Sarah? How could you do that?”
“Come on, Robbie. You’ve been saying for weeks that you needed to tell her.”
“I know. But I wanted to tell her myself. I was waiting for the right time.”
“Well, fate intervened and the opportunity presented itself.” Sam stood up to go back to the living room. “You know, it’s for the best. You would have continued to avoid it for weeks. I just saved us both from all that misery!”
Robert wanted to be angry, but Sam was right. He had been avoiding Sarah because he didn’t know how to tell her. He had run all the different possible scenarios through his mind, but none of them felt right. It was a relief to have that decision taken out of his hands. He pulled on a pair of sweats and followed Sam.
“What did she say? How did she take it?”
“Very well, actually. Like it was no big deal. Said she just wanted you to call her. Maybe she already suspected.”
Robert shook his head. “No, I don’t think she suspected. Maybe she was in shock and just checked out. She does that sometimes.” He thought for a minute about what to do. “I better call her,” he said, as much to himself as to Sam. He picked up the phone and dialed. It rang twice before Sarah picked up.
“Hello,” Sarah said.
“Hi Sarah. It’s me,” Robert said. “Sam said you called?”
“Yes, I did. I’m sorry I bothered you while you’re working. It wasn’t anything urgent. We can talk later, when you’re not busy.”
“I’m not working,” Robert said, puzzled.
“Oh,” Sarah said. “I just thought since your business partner was there—”
“My business partner?”
“Yeah. Sam. He said he was your partner.”
Robert paused, putting two and two together. Now he understood why Sarah hadn’t reacted to Sam’s news, and he was unsure as to how to proceed. Should he let her believe that? It would be easier—but it would just delay the inevitable. He’d have to tell her eventually. She needed to know if he wanted to have any kind of relationship with Lizzy. But was now the right time? On the phone? He thought he should probably tell her in person, but he had to admit it might be easier on the phone . . .
“Robert? Are you still there?”
“Yeah. I’m here. So, what did you want to talk to me about?”
Sarah felt confused. Was it just her or was this a weird conversation? Robert didn’t seem himself. Maybe this wasn’t a good time.
“I just wanted to touch base. We haven’t talked about how we are going to do all this. And Lizzy has been asking about when you will be coming home.” She sighed. “She misses you.”
“I know. I’ve been busy, but I’ll come up soon. Probably next weekend. I can spend some time with Lizzy and we can meet with the lawyer and start ironing things out.”
“That would be good,” Sarah said. She felt the urge to say more but held her tongue. Part of her still wanted to plead with him, to make him stay. But a bigger part of her, she finally had to admit to herself, felt relieved. Being alone still felt scary, but being without Robert was freeing.
“I’ll look at flights tonight and let you know,” he said.
“Thanks. That would be great. I’ll just wait to hear from you.” Sarah frowned when Robert didn’t reply. Something was definitely off. “Well, bye then.”
“Sarah, wait. There’s something I need to tell you.”
Sarah caught her breath. “Okay.” A wave of apprehension swept over her. What was Robert going to say?
“Sam isn’t my business partner.”
“Huh?” He wasn’t making any sense.
“I said that Sam isn’t my business partner.”
“Then why would he say he was your partner?”
“Because he is,” Robert said. “He’s my partner. We live together.”
Sarah’s head was spinning. “But there was the woman . . .” She struggled to piece together the disparate pieces of the puzzle Robert was presenting. “When I called you that night, you were with a woman.”
“That was Stephanie. She’s Sam’s sister. And she is my business partner. That’s how I met Sam.”
“So, he doesn’t work with you?”
“No, not at all. He’s a film director.”
“Film director,” Sarah said. “Like movies?”
“Uh, yeah.”
Sarah was stunned. Robert was gay? Is that what he was telling her? How could that be possible? Wouldn’t she have known? Wouldn’t there have been some clues? Or had she just been too blind to see?
Robert broke the silence. “Sarah?”
“You said you were in love with someone else,” Sarah said, still feeling dazed.
“I am,” Robert said. “I’m in love with Sam.” He hesitated, then continued in a rush. “I know this must be a shock. I should have told you a long time ago. I’ve been hiding for so long. You know my family. I don’t know how to even begin to tell them. But I should have told you. You deserved that. I’ve been a coward, and I don’t want to live in fear anymore. I need to be who I am. I don’t want to hide. And you need to know the truth. You and Lizzy both need to know.”
Sarah sat very still, unable to speak.
“I want you to meet Sam. You and Lizzy. I could fly you down sometime.”
Sarah put a hand on the table to steady herself. “Robert, please. Slow down. I can’t think.”
“I’m sorry. You’re right. You need some time to process all of this. Of course. Maybe we can just talk more when I come up.”
“Sure,” Sarah said vaguely. “We’ll do that. Just let me know when you’re coming. Then we’ll talk more.”
“Okay, I’ll call—”
Sarah hung up.
“What was that all about?” Maggie said. Once again, Sarah’s side of the conversation hadn’t given her much, but she could tell by her expression that something had gone down. “You look like you’re in shock or something.”
Sarah turned slowly to look at Maggie. She stared at her for what seemed an eternity without saying a word.
“Sarah, what’s going on? You’re seriously freaking me out a little here.”
“Robert . . . has . . . a . . . boyfriend.” Sarah spoke each word slowly and deliberately.
Had she heard her correctly? “A boyfriend?”
Sarah nodded. “His name is Sam. He and Robert are living together and Robert is in love with him.” Sarah continued to stare straight ahead.
“So he’s . . . gay?” Maggie asked, trying to make sense of what Sarah was saying. Robert? Gay? She hadn’t seen that one coming.
“Seems so. . .”
“Wow. Sarah, I . . . I don’t know what to say. What do you think about all this?”
Sarah didn’t respond. She seemed a million miles away. The silence made Maggie nervous.
She tried again. “Sarah? Are you okay?”
Sarah turned to look at Maggie. “Robert doesn’t even like movies.”
Maggie frowned. “What?” She wasn’t making any sense. What did liking or not liking movies have to do with any of this? “What are you talking about?”
Sarah shook her head. “Sam. He’s a film director. I don’t get it. We never went to the movies. Robert didn’t like to go.”
“Maybe he was going with Sam,” Maggie said—and immediately regretted it. She swore at herself for once again not being able to keep her mouth shut. When would she ever learn? Sarah looked at her and Maggie prepared to be yelled at.
Instead, Sarah’s eyes opened wide. “I didn’t think of that.”
Maggie scrambled to backtrack. “It was a stupid thing to say. I don’t know why I said it.”
“No. I bet you’re right. That would explain it, wouldn’t it?” Sarah paused, her brow slightly furrowed. She seemed eerily calm. Maggie was afraid to say anything, so she just sat quietly, looking at Sarah.
“You know,” Sarah finally said. “I bet a lot of things will make sense once I think about it more.” She felt both dazed and aware at the same time. Her mind was moving so quickly that she was having a hard time focusing on any one thought. Her father. Her mother. Robert. Lines of connection between all of them and her. She had a feeling that she was seeing things that made up a cohesive whole, but right now it was all a jumble. Like a jigsaw puzzle with the pieces all scattered about.
“Sure,” she heard Maggie say, as if in the distance. “But who was the woman? I thought he was having an affair with a woman.”
“Huh?” Sarah said, still lost in thought.
“The woman? In his apartment that night? Who was she?”
Sarah turned to Maggie. “You won’t believe this one. She’s his business partner. And Sam’s sister. That’s how Robert met Sam.”
“No way! This is too much,” Maggie said, shaking her head and sinking back into her chair. “It’s scandalous, actually! I’d love to be a fly on the wall when that snooty Cynthia gets wind of this!”
“Yeah, well, she won’t hear it from me,” Sarah said. “Neither of his parents will. I don’t think Robert wants to tell them. Though I’m sure they’ll find out somehow.”
“Yeah,” Maggie said. “And I know how.”
Sarah looked at her and frowned, not sure what Maggie was thinking.
“You know what they say: out of the mouths of babes. Lizzy will let it slip.”
“Lizzy!” Sarah sat up straight in her chair. “Shit! What time is it? I need to pick her up at two o’clock.”
Maggie looked at her watch. “No worries. It’s only one forty. Plenty of time.”
“Yeah, if I leave now,” Sarah said, frantically sizing up the table. “I’ll just have to clean all this up later.”
“I can do it.”
Sarah stood up. “Are you sure?”
Maggie stood to give her a hug good-bye. “Absolutely! Just leave it all and go. I’ll take care of it and we can talk later.”
“That would actually be great. I wanted to surprise Lizzy with ice cream and a trip to the park. I feel like I’ve been neglecting her lately.”
“No problem. I think that will be good for both of you.”
Sarah smiled. “I think so too.”
Maggie hesitated. “You know, that’s a pretty big bomb that Robert just dropped. Are you okay?”
“Honestly, I think I am. Shocked, but okay.” Sarah had so many thoughts running through her mind, she couldn’t have articulated any of them to Maggie in that moment even if she’d wanted to. And she didn’t—not yet. She needed more time to sort through it all.
“Well, you know where to find me if you want to talk.”
“Thanks. And thanks for lunch and thanks for listening.” Sarah wrapped her arms around Maggie.
Maggie squeezed her back. “Sure thing. That’s what friends are for.”
“I think I’m starting to figure that out,” Sarah said. She smiled as she turned to leave. She did feel better. She was still reeling from Robert’s disclosure, and it would take her a while to process it all. But she also felt something else stirring just under the surface. A strange calmness? Relief, maybe? As if a weight had been lifted. A nascent awareness that she wasn’t to blame for Robert not loving her. It wasn’t some defect in her or something she’d done wrong. It wasn’t about her after all. It was about Robert.