The notion of being a partner with your boss is pretty intriguing; after all, who wouldn’t want to have a relationship where:
Although it’s nice to feel close to someone and have their approval, the major benefit of this relationship is that it allows you to more fully use your abilities to meet organization goals. Of course, you have to want to carry a major part of the responsibility. You might blame your boss for failing to establish a partnership with you in the first place; however, if you want something different, you have to figure out how you can get it. You’re fortunate if you have a boss who will initiate this kind of partnership with you—but because you can’t count on that from every boss, you should learn how you can generate this yourself.
You will be more convinced that this can indeed occur if you know exactly how to go about it, especially with a boss who doesn’t seem eager to embrace the concept. That is the focus of this chapter, which provides the framework for how to build a true partnership relationship. The following 10 steps outline the process:
The first step—examine your own beliefs for barriers—requires that you ask the following questions about yourself: Do I hold any beliefs or take any actions that inhibit partnership? Have I really made an effort to understand my boss’s world? And how can I raise those touchy issues that prevent partnership? (In the next chapter, we will explore more fully how to deal with resistance.)
For this step, you don’t need permission to change your own mind-set; you just need to change some common ways of thinking, including moving away from:
These are related to a larger issue: leaders traditionally have believed that they hold most, if not all, the responsibility for the unit’s success.1 This allows direct reports to then take the approach that, “Okay, since my boss wants to be totally in charge, I’ll let him earn the big bucks and I will worry only about my sandbox.” Subordinates who operate according to this opinion are likely to blame the boss when he or she doesn’t come through perfectly.
Leaders will be more successful if they stop saying, “I am the only one carrying the larger responsibility” and start saying, “How can both my direct reports and I feel responsible for the unit’s success together?” Of course, the direct report has to want this expanded responsibility. The good thing is that you don’t need your boss’s permission to be concerned with the overall success of the unit. Just as leaders should ask themselves, “Why am I doing that?” so should junior partners ask themselves, “Why aren’t I doing that?”
This shift requires that you can both accept the boss’s flaws and acknowledge his or her strengths. Rather than criticizing, a junior partner must ask, “What can I do to help my boss be more effective?” Accepting others for who they are is often the beginning, not the end, of improvement.
One of the vital elements to being a partner is taking the risk of giving feedback to your manager—which isn’t necessarily easy. (We will discuss this notion further in Chapter 8.) The other change in mind-set relates to the attitude you hold about authority—whether you are fighting for a sense of autonomy, feel counterdependent and resist authority, or fear disagreeing and automatically defer to authority. It’s critical to remember that “your boss is not your father”—and partnership is possible only if you become comfortable dealing with authority.
Once you are clear about your attitudes toward leadership, responsibility, and authority, you must ask some questions about power—specifically, how much power do you and the boss each have—and what is the power gap? We made the distinction between objective bases of power and the power that one individual gives to another in Chapter 3. The former refers to the formal authority inherent in one’s position, as well as access to resources like money, people, and sources of information—all things that are difficult to change.
However, there is also the kind of power that is more malleable, which includes power that we give to others, or give to ourselves—and take away from ourselves. There are various ways that junior partners disempower themselves, as discussed in Chapter 3; these include assuming that the manager holds all the responsibility or that you should always defer to the manager. Another way that junior partners diminish their own power is to fail to fully understand the boss’s needs and therefore fail to offer what the boss wants. Junior partners also can underestimate their positional power and not realize the power they could have because of the many ways their bosses are dependent on them. As we explained in Chapter 4, exchange is the basis for influence. It’s fairly simple: do you have things that the boss needs that you can exchange for what you need? To do that well, it is crucial to understand your boss’s world.
Chapter 5 laid out various dimensions to consider when understanding the other’s world. In addition to the objective forces that affect your boss—his job’s demands, how she is evaluated—it is important to recognize that as the direct report, you are also part of your boss’s world. Are there ways that you unintentionally contribute to the problem? Does your boss micromanage—and do you withhold information in order to gain some autonomy? Does this prompt your manager to intrude more? (This is the type of “negative exchange” loop that Doug got into with Warren in Chapter 5.)
If you can think of this as an interpersonal problem (rather than just a major character flaw in the boss), you can raise the issue in a way we will describe later. What is the relative priority in terms of your needs? Which ones are showstoppers, and which are nice to have but not imperative? And what is the effect of your requests on your boss? The best-case scenario is for your objective to be a benefit to your boss; at the very least, it should incur minimal cost to him. Your goal must be to make your boss’s life easier, not harder.
We assume that you have done your homework to move forward—assessed your assumptions about your own and your boss’s roles, the way you tend to relate to authority, and the forces that drive what your manager cares about. However, keep in mind that even your best assessment is only a working hypothesis. You don’t really know the boss’s world with certainty; you are simply guessing what the actual pressures, concerns, and goals are. You don’t want to assume that you’re certain about what really drives your boss. You simply must invite an open conversation during which your manager will share this information.
The following is an example of a relationship in which the direct report had almost total autonomy—but endured a puzzling override by the boss on one decision. When Len Schlesinger was a faculty member at Harvard Business School, he spent several years working in an administrative role involving external affairs, reporting directly to the dean, John McArthur. As Len tells it:
John is a really skillful person. He exercises all power completely quietly, never does anything overtly “powerful.” He allows all who work for him to have material autonomy. He only once intervened during the four and a half years I worked for him. Since the alumni constantly complained about the magazine, and I thought it was terrible, I was thinking of revamping it. John called me and said, “Please don’t.” I was confused, and assumed he was somehow uncharacteristically out of touch. He had to explain, “It’s not for alumni; it’s a vehicle to write about faculty that don’t get any attention elsewhere. It communicates to people that the school loves and respects them. I don’t much care what alums think of it!”
Often, as in this instance, the powerful person also sees the problem, but defines it differently. This is an archetypal issue; from below, the powerful person’s behavior seems resistant or irrational, but he or she is likely just using different criteria to judge the situation. The challenge is to figure out when that is the case, and when the powerful person is just being stubborn. Because McArthur so seldom gave orders, it wasn’t hard for Len to inquire. But think of your situation: haven’t you ever encountered an edict that at first seemed dumb but turned out to be not as arbitrary as you first thought? That’s why it’s vital to check your diagnosis.
One of the ways to escape the trap of false certainty is to develop multiple (reasonable) explanations for your boss’s behavior. Assume that she is acting reasonably from her perspective, and then consider the situational reasons behind the actions. It is crucial to preserve the orientation by reminding yourself:
These are tough mind-sets to maintain, especially if there has been a series of negative interactions. However, if you have the mind-set right, the right words will follow.
But it isn’t always just the boss who needs to learn from examining his or her own behavior.
There is another assumption you must make. No matter how egregious your boss’s behavior seems to be, consider the possibility that you are in some way part of the cause for it. This can be hard to accept, but quite often the behavior of the boss is partly triggered by the behavior of the direct report. We saw this pattern in the intense exchanges between Doug and Warren in Chapter 5, where Doug felt micromanaged by Warren, but Warren felt he had to closely monitor because Doug provided too little information or opportunity to contribute. In response, Doug withheld even more.
This kind of reciprocal interchange is common enough that in any difficult situation it is worth considering. Is the boss who never has enough time for you partly avoiding you because once started, you go into extensive detail and never know when to stop? Is the boss who keeps you from making contacts outside the organization with important stakeholders you think could be helpful, and appears to be jealous, reacting to your way of showing off about your external status? How about the boss who criticizes you publicly and seems to want to embarrass you? Has it been impossible for you to ever admit there’s anything you don’t know?
None of this is meant to be a version of blame the victim. It is just that in interactive interpersonal relationships, there is seldom one side completely at fault. The idea, in fact, is to avoid blame and engage in collaborative problem solving. You can facilitate that by at least asking whether there is anything you do to stimulate the specific behavior that drives you crazy. This reduces defensiveness in the boss and makes it possible to explore what you can each do to get on to more productive grounds.
Your boss might be just as hesitant as you are to raise issues. One way to start to build a relationship is to legitimize talking about issues that might be difficult for the other person to bring up. Here is how Kate Granso, a 2011 Stanford MBA, proceeded when she encountered a hostile attitude from her potential boss in a dream job:
I worked for four years in Portland, Oregon at Nike, Inc. before going to Stanford. My summer internship in a retail merchandising role cemented my desire to become the general manager and decision maker of a business line. I was lucky enough to land a role on the dotcom merchandising team at a leading retailer, and quickly learned the levers I could pull to drive a dotcom business. It became clear to me that merchandising was, in fact, the path I would pursue for a full-time role post graduation. However, I had my sights set on a different type of role than the one I experienced during my internship—I wanted to work for a brick-and-mortar chain, to be the one calling the merchandising shots and owning the in-store experience.
I maintained a good relationship with my boss from my summer internship, and she eventually reached out to me to see if I was still interested in a merchandising role. She knew that one of the VPs at the company was looking to fill a position, and offered to recommend me if I was interested. The one thing she warned against, however, was that most people were expected to start in the trenches and work their way up through the organization, so I might face some resistance—particularly as an MBA.
I was able to secure an interview with the person my boss recommended. Our first meeting started off polite, but cool. She asked how I thought my experience at Stanford would help me in merchandising. I realized that was more of a (negative) statement than a question, so I tried to keep my defensiveness down. I decided to take the risk of trying to get at her underlying concern. “My guess is that you haven’t had all positive experiences with MBAs?”
Although I meant to sound curious (not accusatory), she did seem a little taken aback. “MBAs don’t necessarily make good merchants; they often have a ‘know-it-all’ attitude,” she said. I felt defensive, but I didn’t want to react that way. I wanted to show that I valued my experiences, and that I thought that I could provide a lot to her organization.
I acknowledged her concerns about MBAs and asked her what some of her experiences had been with them. She said that some of the ones that she hired had carried their “MBA Badge” too proudly and thought they could be successful by only crunching data without doing the “dirty work” of reaching out to the stores for their input in business operations. “They apparently thought that was beneath them.”
I continued to acknowledge her concern and then said how I could be different and bring a sense of curiosity to the role that’s necessary to be a good merchant. The tone of the conversation took a complete 180 degree turn, as I think she suddenly realized that I may not be like every other MBA—and might instead be someone she could coach and mentor. She then asked more questions about my interests—questions that seemed as if she was really interested in me and not just trying to prove that I was like every other MBA.
Three days later, I received a call from her offering me the job I wanted.
Not everything goes as well as it did with Kate. Your boss likely has feelings about you, as you have about him or her. Launching this discussion might lead your boss to bring up a series of issues—and something that you initially thought would be a simple discussion suddenly leads to unanticipated revelations.
Consider the analogy of wading through a swamp. You first try to find where the stones are to carefully step on, but the path eventually disappears. There are a series of (personal) alligators that can bite you. The first problem you may encounter is the tendency to too quickly retreat rather than press forward. “Sorry boss, not really a big deal.” But you’ll miss the opportunity to clear the air and restart the relationship with better mutual understanding.
Though this discussion won’t be a straight line, you must focus on the distant shore of the desired partnership relationship. It is difficult to hear a series of criticisms and recriminations like, “If you only did your job, we wouldn’t have any problems between us.” The second alligator is responding defensively and beginning to engage in self-justification. Kate had to separate herself from MBAs in general; how will you react if your boss criticizes something that you did?
None of us wants to be blamed for something that isn’t our fault, and we hate to be misunderstood. However, our impulse to set the record straight, can set off a pattern of mutual recriminations. “If you didn’t keep changing priorities, we wouldn’t have this problem.” The third alligator is trying to determine—or worse, prove—who is right. Don’t ignore the past; rather, use past events to determine what needs to be done to keep those problems from occurring in the future. The objective is to agree upon what each party needs to do to achieve the desired future.
The fourth alligator is failing to explore what really bothers your manager. In the discussion, your boss is likely to either explicitly or implicitly reveal his or her concerns. A general comment such as “If you deal with other areas, it’s important not to lose sight of our area’s needs” is the sort of statement that is easy to just agree with. But this risks missing an opportunity to understand what is really going on. What isn’t your manager saying? Has this been a problem with others in the past—or is it specifically about you? Rather than just agreeing with his or her surface statement, can you use this opportunity to find out the underlying issue—as Kate did when her potential boss asked about how her two years at Stanford related to merchandising?
Remember—you are constantly keeping the partnership mind-set. This isn’t about you alone; you have to stay focused on what the boss needs and what is best for the organization. You also want to avoid the trap of increasing your boss’s workload or failing to take on appropriate responsibility. For example, do you feel that your boss fails to give you the full picture of what is occurring? What can you do to inquire rather than passively waiting to be told? You want to be constantly working on responding as if you were a junior partner and not the powerless victim. For example, “I want to know the larger picture because I am the kind of person who totally commits and best delivers when I can see the whole.”
You may not complete this discussion in one setting. You may reach an impasse and revisit the conversation at a later date. But your goal is to allow some reflection time—not retreat from the swamp.
There is a fifth alligator: depending on your boss to satisfy some of your needs. Listen closely to the complaints of Kevin Gerard about his boss, and you can probably see that this is as much about his own expectations as the boss’s perhaps imperfect behavior:
I’m beginning to think my problems with my boss have to do with a difference in style. I have certainly made a concerted effort to partner with him, but I sometimes wonder if he and my company are truly fulfilling my needs. While I really enjoy the work I do, I am sometimes uninspired by the environment and culture.
My boss is usually very direct about business matters, but isn’t when it comes to personal matters. For example, he doesn’t tell someone when he doesn’t like them; instead, he talks about them behind their backs. He only gives praise in the form of public announcements (e.g., awards ceremonies with plaques and photos). This makes it hard to tell where you stand with him on a day-to-day basis. Interestingly enough, that is also how his boss operates.
One of the things that gets my juices flowing is feeling on top of my game—being confident, informed, and generally good at what I do. However, I’ve often felt ill-prepared and tentative in my current role. One of the “problems” is that I was elevated into a role two weeks after I started my job. At first, I felt challenged by this “stretch” assignment, but it’s particularly uncomfortable to be in this role in a company in which you’re expected to start from the bottom and earn your promotions. The times I’ve tried to solicit help, the people to whom I’ve reached out haven’t been particularly warm or helpful. I don’t necessarily think they don’t want me to succeed, but I certainly don’t think any of them take it upon themselves to lend a helping hand.
I don’t think I’ve been set up for success in my role, and it often seems like trial by fire. I worry about falling flat on my face. I need words of affirmation, or at least some feedback—I have felt completely in the dark about my performance since I started. On the one hand, I need to show my boss that I’m up for the challenge, but on the other hand, since I’ve heard my boss snicker about people behind their backs, I constantly assume that he thinks the same things about me and just isn’t telling me.
I have friends both inside and outside the organization who can support me here. At the same time, I still seek affirmation from my boss, even if I get it from friends, family, and even other coworkers. Last week my boss stopped by my desk to thank me for some work I had done for a senior leadership meeting—it felt really good, and afterwards one of my coworkers told me that it was “cool” that he had done so, because he almost never thanks anyone for their work. Even that little nugget was enough to reinforce that the effort I put into our work was validated, and gave me the motivation to keep it up.
Perhaps what I am getting caught up with is whether or not the effort is even worth it—if not, shouldn’t I spend my time doing something that is worth it?
Kevin isn’t in an easy situation. He has been given an assignment that is a real stretch for him and he legitimately wonders, as anyone might, “Can I really do this?” But these are the crucible assignments that cause growth and provide the opportunity to demonstrate, or discover, valuable competencies. He is also in an organization where praise is incredibly rare—and therefore highly valuable. This may not be the best climate for individual development, but it is what it is. It is also a culture where asking for affirmation from the boss might well be seen as a sign of weakness.
Kevin is getting some affirmation not just from friends, but also from coworkers and every so often from his boss. Yet by his constant seeking approval, he is allowing his motivational level to be determined by his boss. Kevin wants something that his boss is not comfortable giving, but whose problem is that? It’s an alligator he could keep caged.
When the relationship is strained and/or the conversation is difficult, many organizational members retreat to generalities and get out of the meeting as soon as possible. The danger is moving to toothless conclusions such as, “I will keep you informed” (about what and how often?) or “We should meet more often” (How often and who calls the meetings?). That is the sixth alligator: failing to talk specifically about what each is going to do. In fact, generalities can be worse than not having raised the issue in the first place. Hard feelings are sure to arise if each person leaves the meeting with a different understanding of what should come next. Then when expectations cross, each silently says some variation of, “I knew that I couldn’t trust that glib talker.” Repairing that conclusion is even more difficult than having the discussion in the first place.
The junior partner must constantly be aware of what you can take on when working out agreements. Is the issue that your boss doesn’t always pass on information that he acquires from his boss? Why not ask him after those meetings, “Did anything go on that would be useful for me to know about?” Chances are that your boss’s superior often changes priorities; so you might broach this subject by saying, “I realize that I assume that each priority is set in stone when that might not be the case. I am going to start checking with you how ‘firm’ you think that direction is. Also, when I hear through the grapevine that some things might be changing, I am going to take the initiative to check with you rather than waiting. Is that alright with you?”
Sometimes it is necessary to set up interim experiments. “Let’s try, for the next two months, to meet every Monday morning at 8:30 to review the upcoming week and see if that is enough.” Be certain that a deadline is set (and met) to review this agreement.
Even the most thorough discussion holds the danger that each party will walk away with slightly different understandings of what they agreed to do next. Again, we are putting the responsibility on you, the junior partner, to go back and send a confirming memo, “I want to make sure that I have it correct about what we decided. I think it was A, B, and C.”
If your boss is willing, it can be useful for you to meet with her for even 15 minutes a day or so later to see how she’s feeling. This will allow you to discuss any second thoughts, and to see how your boss feels about this sort of conversation. For example—is it alright to discuss “how we are dealing with each other” or is that too touchy-feely for him or her? (This is a case that we cover in the next chapter).
The proof of any agreement is in the subsequent action. You as junior partner must come through on agreements, and handle them productively when your boss doesn’t. The last alligator is to sit back and build negative explanations for your boss’s backsliding behavior. This is the time to get curious. “I wonder why a well-intentioned person would act this way?” If you can keep that nonaccusatory mind-set, then it is possible to approach your boss with a question about apparent failure to stick to the agreement.
The ensuing conversation might produce an apology (and hopefully a deeper commitment on your boss’s part because you are expecting accountability), or it could give you a deeper understanding of the situation that your boss is in. Have you made the assumption that your boss is in total control of his calendar only to find out how much uncertainty is produced by his boss?
If there are repeated violations, then it might be necessary to raise the ante. We cover how to do that in the next two chapters.
Notes
1. In our previous books, Managing for Excellence (1984) and Power Up: Transforming Organizations through Shared Leadership (1998), we called this prevalent but outmoded overresponsibility the heroic mind-set.