Twenty-five
Gabe sat forward to listen to what I had to say. He had asked about my father several times in the past year, and I had always avoided answering.
I had worked hard in my previous church to overcome issues and baggage from the past. Whenever it came time to deal with all the emotions surrounding my father, I never could push past the pain. It was like it was buried too deep to get to. And too painful and huge every time I dug it up and tried to deal with it. So I left it buried. Keeping it hidden down in my soul had worked until this moment. Staring into Gabe’s earnest eyes, I knew I needed to do whatever I had to in order to get over it. Otherwise I’d lose him, or we would never be able to have a healthy marriage. Feeling his hand rubbing mine, I knew that’s what I wanted. More than I had ever realized.
I set my jaw and delved into my explanation, determined to do whatever it took to heal my heart and have a future with Gabe.
“My dad . . .” I let out a deep breath. This was harder than I thought. I decided to spit it all out and try to make sense of it afterward. “My parents were never married. I honestly think my mother was one of many women my father was seeing when she got pregnant with me. When they realized I was on the way, he tried to settle down and make a family with her. I think we did okay for a while—I even have some pictures I salvaged from Moms’s burning parties. The three of us at the park, or at the beach looking happy like a family should. Until Tiffany was born. Then I think the whole family thing got old to him. They started arguing and fighting all the time. He actually hit my mother a few times, but when she hit him back with a cast iron skillet, I think he got the idea that wasn’t the right thing to do. He started drinking all the time and coming home at all hours of the night drunk.”
Gabe squeezed my hand. “That’s why it was so upsetting for you both when Tiffany did it, yes?”
I nodded and continued, not wanting to lose the momentum I had tapped into. “So he left us. Just disappeared one day and never came back. Moms had it real hard after that. She worked two and three jobs for as long as I could remember. Hard work too. Like factory and assembly line stuff where she would come home tired and sore. Then cleaning people’s houses on the days she was supposed to be off.
“She tried to contact him all the time, to help out when times got real bad, but we could never find him. So she finally gave up, and he became as good as dead to us. Sometimes she had boyfriends after that, but none of them were any good either. Plus, I think she never got over my father. She really loved him.”
Gabe listened intently, squeezing my hand and rubbing my back every once in awhile.
“And she didn’t mean to, but in her bitterness, Moms taught us girls some bad things about men. Never depend on a man, never trust a man, never let a man do anything for you. A man will always break your heart and so on and so on. That’s why I am the way I am . . .” I stopped myself, “That’s why I was the way I was with you. And why, like you said, I have trouble realizing how much you love me and letting you love me. I know I have to work hard at unlearning all those messages. You’ll be patient with me, yes?”
He smiled at me imitating his speech and leaned over to kiss my forehead. “Of course. Thanks for explaining these things to me, Trina. It makes things make much more sense. And it will help me to be patient and love you all the more to overcome those messages running around in your head.” He frowned. “But that still doesn’t explain why your mother and sister hate God so much.”
“There’s more.” I leaned back against the couch and sighed. “One day, we were sitting around the table having breakfast on a Sunday morning, and we looked up at the television and there was my father. In a robe, on a stage, behind a podium . . . preaching. We all sat watching the whole program with our mouths open, unable to believe what we were seeing. At the end, they gave all the church information and it turns out that he’s the pastor at this huge mega church in Florida. At the very end of the program, they flash this picture with my father and . . . ‘the first family’ . . . as the caption said.”
Gabe’s eyes widened.
I nodded. “Turns out me and Tiffany have a brother and sister we’ve never met. And a stepmother as well. They looked so happy and so . . . prosperous. My mother lost it, screaming about how we were really the first family. She called the number on the screen demanding to speak to him. He finally called back later that evening. She never really told me and Tiffany the particulars of their conversation. All she said was that he was happy with his new life and wanted to forget his real first family. He offered to send regular money to take care of us, but Moms said she didn’t need his hush money or his guilt offering and refused. Being teenagers, of course, we wanted the money, but Moms said, ‘Never let a man pay you like some whore.’ She made us promise never to accept money from a man we weren’t married to.”
Gabriel nodded.
“Moms taught us with her words and actions to be fiercely independent and never let a man close to our hearts. Well, at least me anyway. Tiffany seemed to go in the opposite direction.”
Gabe nodded like everything was making more and more sense.
“Not only was Moms convinced that all men are no good, she was also convinced that all men of God are no good as well. Because of my father, she developed a hatred for God and anything having to do with God. She’s convinced that every preacher is a hypocrite and that God isn’t real. And for whatever reason, that was the one lesson Tiffany decided to learn from her.”
“And, so how did you find your way to God?” Gabe asked.
I shrugged. “I guess I wasn’t willing to believe He wasn’t real because of my mother. I kept my heart open, and one day, I heard the truth and accepted Him. How ironic that the place I got saved at was Love and Faith Christian Center.”
Gabe frowned.
I explained. “I got saved after hearing a sermon Bishop Walker preached. And he’s a worse hypocrite than my father ever could be. He’s downright evil. I guess it goes to show that God can use whatever and whoever—His Word is more powerful than their hypocrisy.”
Gabe shook his head. “Still, that doesn’t mean they should be allowed to continue in their positions of leadership, misleading God’s people and benefitting monetarily from it.”
“I agree wholeheartedly. Speaking of . . .” I picked up the remote. I had set the TiVo to record the 6:00 news. “You’re not going to believe what happened today.” I forwarded through the news and commercials until I saw Deacon Barnes’s face on the screen. I pressed play and turned up the volume. “Brace yourself.”