Bruntsfield School classroom
MISS CAMPBELL
Well class, today is the day. The scoring will be according to deportment, clarity and of course musical interpretation. And of course there will be special favour given to anyone who offers a song by the greatest poet of them all—our own beloved Robert Burns. Ah… who’s first? Ah, June MacReady. As always, well prepared. Are you feeling better now? What do you have?
JUNE
Yes, thank you. “Oh Whistle and I’ll Come to You My Lad” (coyly) by your favourite poet, Miss Campbell.
MISS CAMPBELL
Lovely!
JUNE sings very jollily and chirpy, and terribly off-key.
JUNE
Oh whistle and I’ll come to you my lad
Oh whistle and I’ll come to you my lad
Though faither and mither and all should gae mad
Ooooooooooo whistle and I’ll come to you my lad
She whistles the last phrase inaudibly and badly.
MISS CAMPBELL
(horrified) Next!
JAMIE
Please, Miss…
MISS CAMPBELL
Jamie MacDonald! Lord save us. (mutters) From bad to worse.
ELSA
(narrating) Jamie MacDonald’s going to sing! He’s going to look like an idiot. He should have got me to help him. Everyone will laugh at him.
MISS CAMPBELL
Perhaps, Mr. MacDonald, you will redeem your clan’s honour in song.
She chortles at her own joke.
JAMIE sings in a tender, husky voice.
JAMIE
I left my baby lying here, lying here, lying here
I left my baby lying here to go and gather blaeberries
Hovan hovan gorrio go, gorrio go, gorrio go
Hovan hovan gorrio go. I never found my baby o—
ELSA
(narrating) Nobody’s laughing. Maybe they’re feeling sorry for him.
JAMIE slides into his seat next to ELSA.
JAMIE
My granny learned me that song.
ELSA nods patronisingly.
ESTELLE
(putting up her hand) Please, Miss Campbell, may I go next?
MISS CAMPBELL
Oh my, the invisible girl has decided to appear today of all days! Will wonders never cease! Perhaps, Estelle Munro, your song will compensate for the poorest attendance I’ve seen in the history of my teaching career. But I must say you do look (sniffs ESTELLE) surprisingly presentable today.
ELSA looks pleased with herself.
ESTELLE sings. It starts so quietly you can hardly hear it, but then it soars, and her voice is like an angel.
ESTELLE
My Love is like a red, red rose, that’s newly sprung in June
My love is like the melody that’s sweetly play’d in tune
So fair art thou my bonnie Lass so deep in love am I
And I will love thee evermair till a’ the seas gang dry
ELSA
(narrating) Well she didn’t do any of the gestures I taught her. Why is Miss Campbell going over to her? Why is she bending down towards her? She’s putting both hands on her shoulders? She looks like she’s crying! Miss Campbell crying?
MISS CAMPBELL
(on one knee, worshipfully, her voice breaking) Estelle Munro, dear child. The sweetest love song ever heard. I never would have imagined.
ELSA
(bursting with competitive desperation, leaps up) Me, please Miss! Please, Miss!!!!!
MISS CAMPBELL
Elsa Paul, before you burst.
ELSA sings “The Glencoe Massacre.” She plays out every detail of the song in great melodrama.
ELSA
Oh cruel is the snow that sweeps Glencoe
And covers the grave of MacDonalds
And cruel was the foe that raped Glencoe
And murdered the House of MacDonald
They came in a blizzard we offered them heat
A roof o’er their heads dry shoes for their feet
We wined them and dined them they ate o’ our meat
And they slept in the house of MacDonald
Some died in their beds at the hand of the foe
Some fled in the night, were lost in the snow
Like murdering foxes among helpless sheep
They slaughtered the house of MacDonald
Liiike muuurdering foxes among helpless sheeeeep
They slaughterrrred, the house… of… Mac… DONALD!!!!
She ends in triumph.
(narrating) Miss Campbell picked Estelle Munro. And then she said that Jamie MacDonald should get honourable mention because he chose such a lovely song and it wasn’t his fault that he had such a croaky voice.
June MacReady’s over there crying, and all the girls have surrounded her. “Not fair. You should have won. You were the best! No fair.” I feel like someone’s hit me on the head. Jamie MacDonald looks happy. Estelle’s trying to catch my eye. (turns away from her) This is my fate. This is what happens when I try to help people. They bite the hand that feeds them. The girls are all looking at me
(defiantly goes over to them) What are you all staring at!
FRANCES
Did you see Miss Campbell’s face when you were singing, Elsa? She was purple!
ELSA
Why?
FRANCES
Cause she’s a Campbell! You don’t remind a Campbell what they did to the MacDonalds unless you’re looking for trouble. But she won’t do anything to you cause you’re a foreigner.
JUNE
(whining) I’m going to tell my daddy to talk to Miss Campbell.
ELSA
(to JUNE) I’m not! If I really wanted to win that stupid contest I would have sung the same song as Estelle Munro.
JUNE
Me too! Anyway, who wants to be Estelle Munro!
ELSA
(narrating) June MacReady links arms with me and we swagger out into the playground, a gang of big girls mowing down the throng of mediocrity! I’d rather be part of this than singing in some stupid contest.