“Nikki.” A hand shook her shoulder. “Nikki, wake up.”
“What?” She jerked into a sitting position to find Janine standing over her, a concerned and motherly expression on her face. “Don’t look at me like that,” Nikki muttered.
“I can’t help it. You’re still in last night’s work clothes, and you never made it to your room last night. You have dark circles under your eyes, and I’m worried.” After folding the Afghan throw Nikki had used as a blanket the night before, Janine lowered herself onto the couch. Nikki glared at her.
“You should have thought of that before you brought Kevin back into my life. Where was your concern then?”
“I was thinking about you.”
Nikki curled her legs beneath her. “Give me one good reason why you did it. Just one. Make me understand how my best friend could betray me.” Because she and Janine had seen each other through the aftermath of Tony’s death and Kevin’s abrupt disappearance, Janine knew how deeply Kevin had wounded her.
She would have given him her heart, if only he’d stuck around to accept it. He hadn’t of course. She’d lost her brother and Kevin in rapid succession.
Janine met Nikki’s gaze. No remorse showed in her green-eyed gaze. None shadowed her expression. Only the kindness and compassion she’d shown Nikki from the start. “Would you have preferred a gentle let-down the morning after?”
“Whose side are you on anyway?”
“Yours.” Janine laid a hand on her shoulder. “Always yours. What Kevin did was wrong, but did you ever think he was suffering, too?” she asked softly.
“Yes.” And Nikki had wanted to help him heal.
“You couldn’t have healed him. He had to come back on his own,” Janine said, reading her mind.
“With a little nudging from you?” The only person she had left had switched sides, leaving her to fend for herself. Nikki didn’t understand. The world had shifted beneath her feet and she hated the unsteady sensation that left her wondering what jarring thing would come next.
“He’d already come back, settled into a house he inherited,” Janine said.
He’d admitted as much, Nikki thought. “And?”
“And I asked him to meet me at the bar.”
“Why?”
“Because when I’m gone, you’re going to need someone to lean on.”
Nikki bristled at the implication that she couldn’t take care of herself. Coming from the person who’d seen her at her worst then seen her pull her life together after, the lack of faith hurt And then the rest of Janine’s words sunk in. “What do you mean, when you’re gone?”
“My baby needs more than me.” Janine placed her hand over her still-flat stomach, rubbing circles in a gesture that had become familiar to Nikki during the past few months. “Actually, I need more than me, and no insult to you because I’m going to miss you like crazy, but I need my family.”
Nikki blinked at the sudden but not altogether unexpected admission. She’d seen the signs lately—the increased phone calls home, and Janine’s recollections of the farmhouse in Iowa where she’d grown up.
“Okay.” What else could she say that wouldn’t be selfish and one-sided? She loved Janine like a sister. Losing her would be like losing Tony all over again. But she understood and would respect her decision. She had no choice. “There are always airplanes and holidays. I’m not going to let my niece or nephew grow up without knowing me.”
Janine smiled. “I’d come back to visit for the same reason. Meantime, I’m leaving you in the lurch with no roommate.”
Nikki shook her head. “You’d never do that. Look, I can’t afford the rent here, but there’s this other waitress who’s looking for a roommate, and I can afford that on what I make at the bar. See? I’ll be fine and you didn’t need to worry about me.
“I can’t believe you’re taking this so well.”
“I can’t believe you didn’t think I would. Look at me, Janine. I’ve grown up.”
“Yes, you have.” Her sister-in-law’s gaze traveled over her. “How are you feeling this morning?”
“Better than last…” Nikki’s words trailed off. “How did you know I was sick?”
“Kevin called. I grabbed the phone before it could wake you.”
“Well, he shouldn’t have bothered. I’m fine now.”
“Are you?”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Just that there have been other signs that…”
A loud pounding at the door stopped whatever Janine had been about to say. “I’ll get it,” Janine said.
“Signs that what?” Nikki called after her.
“Never mind,” the other woman muttered. “You’ll figure it out soon enough.”
“Who is it?” she called, preventing Nikki from questioning her further.
“Kevin.”
Nikki’s stomach did another forward roll, just as it had last night in the bar. Janine opened the door.
Nikki met his gaze. Same black leather jacket, same razor stubble, same handsome features. The same man who turned her insides to mush with a glance. He strolled inside, whistling as if he hadn’t a care in the world.
Nikki wished her own emotions were as controlled and steady when he was around. She probably had nothing to worry about. Knowing Kevin, he’d have his say and disappear. In the meantime, she had Janine as a buffer.
Nikki forced a smile.
Janine gave him a brotherly hug. “Good to see you again, Kevin. Unfortunately, I was on my way out.”
Nikki narrowed her gaze. Janine picked up her purse that was hanging over a chair, grabbed her keys from the counter, and avoided Nikki’s gaze as she made her way to the door. Her sister-in-law had awakened her, dropped her bomb, and left her alone with Kevin. It didn’t take a genius to figure out she’d been set up again.
The door slammed shut and Kevin turned toward her. For the first time, she noticed the brown bag in his hand.
She ran a hand down her tangled mass of hair. She didn’t relish him seeing her looking like last night’s garbage.
“What do you want?” she asked him. The sooner she found out, the sooner she could get rid of him. She could use a hot shower and catch a few decent hours of sleep in her own bed before the Saturday night shift began.
“To settle things between us once and for all.”
Nikki shrugged. “Funny, I thought we already had.”
He didn’t answer, just thrust out the hand with the innocuous-looking bag.
She grabbed it and peered inside. Her stomach rolled once more, only this time she had a better hunch as to the cause. “Home pregnancy test?”
“Take it and then we’ll talk.”
The command was insulting, the possibility frightening. She’d just discovered she was losing her apartment. She’d counted on her bartending job to hold her over for the time being, until she could save enough to finish her semester of student teaching while holding down a part-time job that didn’t leave her wiped out in the morning. Pregnant women didn’t waitress in a cocktail bar.
Pregnant women… Was it possible? They hadn’t used protection, she thought, recalling every intimate detail of her time with Kevin. She swallowed hard, then mentally counted months. Nikki began to shake as she realized anything was possible. Since that night, she hadn’t had a spare second to worry about anything except getting to work on time and sleeping enough to serve drinks again the next night. But there was the frequent nausea, the dizziness… not unlike when her parents had died, but much more persistent.
She couldn’t be certain. She met his steady gaze. “Even if I am pregnant, which I doubt, it’s not your concern.” It was hers, she thought, her fear mounting.
“You’re wrong.”
“We shared one night, Kevin. It’s over.”
He shook his head slowly. “Princess, I have a hunch that night was just the beginning.”
* * *
Nikki hoped, with everything in her, that Kevin was wrong. Her hand went to her lower abdomen and molded around her flat stomach. Or did she? She’d gone to college because she’d believed in being able to support herself. She’d chosen education because she loved children. Teaching had been a way to be around kids until she was able to fulfill her dream of having a family of her own.
Only financial considerations had forced her to put her education on hold. Although having a baby was a dream come true, the timing couldn’t be worse. She was barely supporting herself. In no way could she afford to care for another tiny human being.
A child. Hers and Kevin’s. Nikki’s hand curled around the pink, blue, and white box. It was time to find out. “I’ll be back.” She took two steps forward, when he called out to her.
“Nikki.”
She turned.
“Forget what happened in the past. If you’re pregnant, I’ll be there.”
She couldn’t answer. Not yet. Because her dreams of children had always included two parents and a loving home. The kind she and Tony had grown up in. Kevin would support her; she didn’t doubt his word. True, he’d left after their one night, but no promises had been exchanged. He was a man of honor, despite what had passed between them. He’d be there for her now just as he said… but only because she was having his baby. Not because he loved her.
Kevin could provide the two-parent home of her dreams, but the warmth, love, caring, and devotion would be missing. She pushed back the nausea that seemed to be her constant companion and locked herself in the bathroom.
If she was pregnant, she’d be someone’s obligation once more. Worse, she’d be Kevin’s obligation, tolerated because of a baby they’d created, but not loved for herself. Oh, God. She wanted him, but not like that.
She opened the flaps on the side of the box. A quick read of the instructions, and easy compliance. She glanced at her watch. In three minutes she’d know. Nikki lowered herself onto the closed toilet seat and chewed on her thumbnail.
“Is it time?” His voice sounded from outside the bathroom door.
She drew an unsteady breath. Though she’d prefer to be alone when she found out, Kevin had as much right to know the results as she did. And she might as well not suffer these agonizing minutes by herself. “Come on in.”
The door opened and he walked into the small bathroom she shared with Janine. His gaze flew to the white stick lying on the counter top by the sink. “Well?”
She glanced at her watch. “Two more minutes.”
He propped one shoulder against the wall. Silence surrounded them and tension flowed thick until she couldn’t take another second. “What are you doing with yourself now that you’re back?” she asked. Maybe normal conversation would make the time pass more quickly. “I know you haven’t returned to the force, at least not yet.”
He shrugged. “I took a job with an old friend, as an in-house security consultant for his manufacturing company.”
She looked up, surprised that the man, who’d always made his job his life, had given it up. “And you enjoy the monotony after all those years as a detective?”
He shrugged. “It’s a living. How much longer?” he asked, obviously changing the subject away from himself.
“You know what they say… a watched pot never boils.” She forced a strained laugh, then glanced at the watch on her wrist. “Another thirty seconds.” The blood drained from her head, leaving her weak.
“Hang on,” he murmured. “Now tell me why you gave up teaching.”
She smiled, grateful for his sensitivity at this particular moment in time. She splayed her fingers over her jeans. “I had one semester of student teaching left and that’s a full-time obligation. I couldn’t possibly work nights, formulate lesson plans and be my best the following day,” she explained. “Tony was going to help me out for the semester and I was going to pay him back once I started working full-time. But he…”
She swallowed a painful sob before continuing. “He died. The small amount of money my parents had left me was almost gone, Janine was pregnant…” She shook her head. “Everything changed overnight.”
“And it’s about to change again. Thanks to me.”
She shook her head, found herself reaching for his hand despite better judgment. His palm felt warm and dry in hers. “I never did understand why you blamed yourself. I read the reports. You weren’t in the car, Tony got the call, you had your radio on, but he took off before you…”
“Before I got downstairs. If I’d been in the car, he wouldn’t have had the chance to play renegade cop. I knew him well enough to know what he’d do and I ignored my gut… If I’d been in the damn car, he’d have had backup. He wouldn’t have been killed.”
Nikki lowered her eyes. She shook her head slowly. “Things happen for a reason, Kevin. It was his time. He knew the risks, knew better than to drive off and leave you behind. He should have waited for you.”
“And I should have been there sooner… Damn it, there’s no point in rehashing the past.”
She exhaled a resigned sigh. “You’re right. Especially when the future awaits.” Her gaze darted to the stick on the counter.
He released her hand only long enough to reach out and tip her chin up. Her gaze met his. “It’ll be okay.”
“Easy for you to say.”
“Now take a look.”
With shaking hands, she uncovered one end of the long, thin stick. She didn’t have to look for confirmation of what she already knew. They’d created a life. Together, they would have to deal with that.
But how? Kevin knew nothing about family, and intimacy had caused him to run far and fast. She couldn’t expect him to welcome this turn of events.
“It’ll be okay,” he said again.
A tear leaked from one corner of her eye. She brushed at the moisture with her sleeve. “Would you stop saying that?” Needing time alone, she scrambled past him, heading through the door and into the living area without looking back.
“Where are you going?” he called after her.
“I have to shower and get some sleep before my shift starts again.” She worked in a frenzy, pausing to pick up stray socks, shoes and her purse.
“We have to talk.”
“Later. First I have a job to do, then I need time to think.”
“About what?”
She whirled around to face him. “That’s a stupid question. You might have figured out I was pregnant yesterday, but I had no idea until two seconds ago. And you ask me what I need to think about?” Her voice rose in pitch and her palms covered her stomach in a new movement, but one she was sure to become intimately familiar with in due time.
He exhaled hard. “Take the night off.”
“Impossible. I can’t afford it.”
“I can.”
“You’re not responsible for me, Kevin.”
“I promised Tony I’d take care of you and you’re having my child. That makes me responsible.”
She hugged her clothes tight against her chest and met his gaze with a steady one of her own. “That’s what I was afraid of.” Before he could answer, she hit the bathroom running, slamming the door shut behind her.
* * *
Nikki made herself a promise. She’d concentrate on her job tonight, and take tomorrow and Monday, her days off, to deal with the fact that she was pregnant. With Kevin’s baby. A fuzzy warmth curled through her stomach at the thought, one at odds with the truth of her life. She shook her head, refusing to think about him now.
But not thinking of Kevin was like having someone tell you not to think about images of nice things—like weekends, vacations, or summertime. The harder you tried, the more they danced in front of your eyes, teased your senses, and invaded your dreams.
She walked over to her most recent table: men who’d come to the bar for a night on the town. She recognized them as regulars—lawyers who frequented the bar after work and occasionally on the weekends. They knew how to flirt and have a good time, but despite the banter, they were harmless. In another life, she might even have been interested.
A life that didn’t include Kevin Manning, maybe.
“Can I get you fellas something?” Nikki asked.
“Nachos and beer.”
“Vodka, straight up.”
“You, honey,” a good-looking blonde-haired man said. Leaning back in his chair, he stretched his arm out so his fingers touched her waist. She forced herself to remain in place. The more amiable she was, the better her tip. Right now, she needed all the spare cash she could possibly earn each night.
Besides, this same guy had made overtures before. Her responses had always been the same: a polite but firm no. He expected it and flirted anyway. No harm, no foul, she thought. She could handle him.
She forced a smile. “Sorry. I’m not on the menu,” she said and took a step backward. “But nice try.”
He grinned. “Too bad. We could have a good time.”
No, we couldn’t. Because he wasn’t Kevin. Her heart belonged to Kevin Manning from the minute he’d claimed her as his own. A primitive notion, Nikki knew. But valid anyway.
Too bad he didn’t reciprocate her feelings. Then this pregnancy would be the answer to her prayers. In a funny way, it still was. How could she regret fate, or the life growing inside her?
Unfortunately, nothing was as simple as she’d like it to be. Which brought her back to her dilemma. No health insurance, no job once she started to show, and no valid means of support or daycare for her child. So much for dealing with tomorrow, Nikki thought.
She made her way back to the bar, following the same routine of previous nights. The pounding beat of rock music combined with the heavy sheen of smoke and the accompanying foul odors of cigars, cigarettes, and liquor worked against her. Nikki picked up the tray of drinks and tried holding her breath until she reached a semblance of fresh air away from the bar. The effort was futile, only serving to make the dizziness and nausea worse.
Good, Lord, why did they call it morning sickness? She paused at the table of men once more to empty her tray and defray another halfhearted attempt to arrange a date. The way things were going, it was destined to be a very long night.
* * *
Kevin stood with his back against the wall, nursing the same soda for the last hour. He didn’t want to call attention to himself by ordering another drink. He told himself he wanted to keep an eye on Nikki in case she had another fainting spell. That was part truth and part bull. He also wanted to keep an eye on the male customers with wandering eyes, roving hands, and too much testosterone. If the blonde suit laid another hand on her while she served him his drink, Kevin would dump the guy’s beer in his lap himself.
He told himself he didn’t like seeing any woman harassed. This was true. He’d seen his lecherous father in action too many times, and had dragged his sorry, drunken butt home too often… sometimes before, sometimes after he’d offended the lady in question. But the truth tonight went way deeper than the issue of sexual harassment.
Kevin didn’t want another guy laying a hand on Nikki. She was carrying his child. That gave him the right to keep her safe. This child gave him chance to do something right in his life. He had no idea how to be a parent or a husband. But no way was he about to blow his responsibilities.
Not with this woman. Not again. Just watching her bar routine sent a surge of something raw and primitive flowing through his veins. For the first time since he was an angry kid, he wanted to lash out and hit someone for attempting to take what was his. The thought made him laugh… because Nikki Welles was many things – including pregnant – but she wasn’t his.