P = How mad will your significant other be if you fight over turkey? (1 to 10 with 10 being “make you sleep on couch till next Turkey Day”).
R = In dollars, how much is your least favorite guest likely to spend on your holiday present?
T = Hours you need to spend in close contact with this least favorite guest.
D = His or her general disapproval of your career and/or competence (0 to 10 with 0 being you’re a “quarterback/surgeon/CEO/philanthropist” and 10 being you’re a “ski-bum/pot-head/hippie”).
V = How vocal is he/she likely to be in this disapproval? (0 to 10 with 10 being “will refer to you only as him, her, or so-and-so’s husband, as in ‘can you please tell so-and-so’s husband to pass me the yams?’”).
S = How sensitive are you (0–10 with 10 being “seismograph”).
GobbleGobble is the percentage chance you will make it through holiday dinner without exploring alternate placements for the meat thermometer.