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Kennedy woke up the next morning to the sound of rain pounding on her dorm room window.
Her roommate was reclining in her beanbag chair reading a screenplay. “Morning, sleeping beauty.”
Kennedy glanced at the clock. Already past ten.
“How’re you doing today?” Willow set down her book.
How was she doing? Kennedy wasn’t sure yet.
“Your dad called. Twice.” Willow smiled. “I told him you were perfectly fine. He wants you to check your temperature and text him.”
“Ok.” Her dad annoyed her ninety percent of the time, but today, she was glad to know someone was worried for her. Someone was still there to fret and fawn over her every move.
“Sandy called too. She said that Woong’s been asking for you. Wants you to read to him if you’ve got the energy. I told her you might not want to go back to the hospital just yet, and she said she understood.” Willow frowned. “Is that ok? I wasn’t sure what to say.”
“I don’t know.” Kennedy glanced around. She was still more thirsty than usual. Her arm ached, but it was nothing compared to yesterday. She would heal. She would recover. She hadn’t looked beneath the bandage yet. Didn’t know if she’d end up scarred or not from the shrapnel.
Did it matter?
She tugged at her sleeve. “If Woong wants me there, I don’t mind.” It was nice feeling needed. Surrounding herself with people who loved her. Who wanted her around.
Willow shrugged. “I can give you a ride.”
“That’d be nice.”
“Hey, you want some tea? I just heated some up.”
“Thanks.” Kennedy reached out and took the oversized Alaska Chicks Rock mug. The steam heated her face. She sensed Willow staring at her. Kennedy hated the sad, almost embarrassed expression in her eyes. She just wanted to move on. How long until she could forget this week? How long until she could look at her roommate without seeing that pained, guilty expression?
Life would go on. Kennedy knew it would. She just wished she had some idea how.
Half an hour later, after a quick bite from L’Aroma Bakery, Kennedy and Willow made their way back to Providence.
“All I can say is Woong must be a very special little boy if you’re willing to go back to the hospital to see him.”
Kennedy couldn’t explain. It wasn’t just Woong. She loved him. Prayed that God would heal him of whatever sickness he had. But it was more than that. She wanted to be with the Lindgrens. To support and encourage each other. Carl and Sandy needed her, and she needed them. The Lindgrens were the closet thing Kennedy had to a family in the States, and during her own time of sadness and mourning, she wanted to be with family most of all.
Besides, this was the morning they would get Woong’s lab results back from the CDC. If it really was the Nipah virus, Kennedy wanted to be with Sandy. Help shoulder some of that burden like Sandy had done for her countless times over the past two years. She thought about her first week on US soil when she arrived for the start of her freshman year at Harvard. How much she’d seen since then. How much she’d grown.
How much she’d changed.
She wasn’t sure all the changes were positive, either. Kennedy lived now with a constant heaviness, a sense of fear even when she knew she was perfectly safe. That little bubble, that sense she’d had as a child that she was completely invincible, popped within her first few weeks of college. She’d never be able to recreate that same sense of security.
But still, God had sustained her. Carried her through every trial she’d had to endure. He’d given her strength when she was so weak she was sure she’d collapse. He’d sent heavenly protection to shield her when she was sure she was about to die. He’d shown her love, the kind of love you couldn’t read about in a book. Sacrificial love. Christ-like love.
And he’d shown her comfort. Kennedy couldn’t feel it right now, but she had in the past and knew that it would come to her again. She’d have to learn to be patient, that was all. The comfort would come, that sweet heavenly balm that would smooth over her scars. It would never erase them completely. She’d given up praying for perfect healing, but she knew that in time, the pain would lessen. Joy would find her once more. Teach her to smile again. Hope again.
Love again.
It would happen. She just had to be patient. That was the hardest part, but God would give her the grace even for that.
“What are you thinking about?” Willow turned down the radio. Rain pelted onto the windshield and splashed up from the car tires in front of them.
“Everything.”
“Yeah.” Willow sighed. “Me, too.” She reached out and shut off the music. “Hey, can I ask you something?”
“What?” Kennedy was thankful for the chance she’d had this week to connect with Willow on a deeper level. To discuss the spiritual matters they should have been talking about from the moment of Willow’s conversion. But she was so tired. She didn’t know if she could focus on a heavy conversation right now.
“I’m still wondering about sickness and prayer and all that stuff. I mean, I’m thinking about Woong, I guess. And I know you said even a bird won’t get hurt outside of God’s plans, but ... I don’t even know how to ask my question. I guess what I’m wanting to know ... It doesn’t make sense to me ...”
“How God chooses to heal some people and not others?” Kennedy finished for her.
“Right. How exactly does that work?”
Kennedy sighed. “I wish I could tell you.” She knew Willow was hoping for a deeper answer than that, so she tried to snap her mind into a more alert state. “I think it’s kind of like ... Ok, so let’s say that ...” She wasn’t going to be able to get out one coherent sentence without the Holy Spirit’s intervention. “It’s like this,” she tried again. “At least, I think it is, because I’m definitely not an expert. But let’s say someone you love is sick. Use Woong as an example, right?”
“Right.” Willow sped up her windshield wipers.
“Ok, so we’re all praying for Woong to get better. I mean, who wouldn’t be?”
“Right.”
“So we all want him to get better.” Kennedy had to pause for a moment. She couldn’t imagine the grief that would flood the Lindgren household if Woong didn’t recover. “We want him to get well, and so we pray for him, and that’s the right thing to do. But there’s more to it than just that. Like when Jesus was in the Garden of Gethsemane. Do you know that story?”
“Gethsemane? Sounds like the name of a big music festival.”
“I guess. Well, that’s where Jesus went to pray the night before he was crucified. I mean killed. He’s praying there, and he says, God, please don’t let me have to die, but it’s not what I will, but what you will. So he was praying to God for his own desires, but then he also started to pray that if God wanted something different, that should be what happens instead. Does that make sense?”
“No. Because if Jesus is God, why would he pray to himself?”
Kennedy sighed. She couldn’t think through everything logically right now. “Ok, that’s a whole other question we can talk about a different time.” She was just about to make a mental note to ask Dominic how he would answer that when she remembered. She wondered how long it would take before she fully realized he was gone. It was like losing a limb but for weeks, even months, you keep trying to use it. Keep surprising yourself when you rediscover it isn’t there. Mourn its loss all over again.
She tried to remember Willow’s original question. “Well, with God, we should pray like Jesus did. We can tell him what’s on our hearts, what we want out of the situation, but there should also be the submission to recognize that he might know better — he does know better — and that even if he doesn’t answer our prayers the way we expect him too, we still have to have faith that he’s good.”
“So basically, you’re saying that if Woong’s gonna die, Woong’s gonna die, and that God has some sort of good reason for making that happen. So then why do we pray for his healing at all?”
She didn’t have an answer. Where was Dominic when she needed him? Why couldn’t he be here to tackle these questions for her? Why did God take him the way he did? Did Kennedy even believe everything she was telling Willow? Did God actually want Dominic to die, or did he just choose not to intervene when some lunatic took his life? She let out her breath. “I really don’t know. Prayer’s important. I just don’t know ...” She let her voice trail off before apologizing. “I wish I had more to tell you.”
Willow slowed down to turn into the Providence parking garage. “That’s ok. I guess I probably picked a bad time to come up with heavy questions like that. I’m sorry. I know you have other things on your mind right now.”
“Don’t feel bad. I love that you’re asking these things. It’s just that ...” Her voice caught. “He was always so much better at theology than me.”
Willow reached out and rubbed Kennedy’s leg. “I know.”
Kennedy swallowed and reminded herself it wouldn’t always be so painful. Right now, she had other things to think about. Like Woong and his parents.
Willow parked, and the girls walked into the hospital without talking. Kennedy was thankful Willow didn’t try to fill the silence with empty words or platitudes. She was thankful her friend knew her well enough to leave her to her own thoughts for a while. When Kennedy was ready to talk, when she was ready to laugh and play and live again, Willow would be there for her. And she was with her now, right beside her on the way to Woong’s hospital room. Right next to her as Kennedy fought through the trembling in her gut.
Sandy was in the hall, leaning against the window and talking into the phone outside the quarantine chamber. She smiled tiredly when she saw Kennedy and Willow. “Good morning, girls.” She wrapped Kennedy up in a sturdy hug. “I love you, sweetie. I’ve been praying for you all morning. You and Woong. That’s about all God’s heard from me today, I’m afraid.”
Willow held back when her phone beeped.
“How’s Carl?” Kennedy glanced around looking for him.
“He’s doing a lot better. Got himself discharged last night. And good thing, too. He was about to drive those nurses crazy.”
Kennedy smiled. “How’s his health?”
“Got his sugar levels under two-hundred. Praise the Lord for that. He’ll be on meds for it. Have to change the way he eats, which means less sweets. I either need to find some new recipes or come up with a new hobby.” She twirled a strand of gray hair that had fallen out of her braid. “But listen to me prattle. Are you all right, hon? Did you sleep ok?”
Kennedy nodded.
“And your roommate? She’s taking good care of you?”
Kennedy glanced over at Willow, who was laughing at an incoming text. “Yeah. She’s been great.”
“I’m so glad you two have each other.”
Kennedy had to agree. Leave it to Sandy to help her focus on her blessings even in the midst of such turmoil.
“How’s Woong today?”
Sandy sighed. “I don’t know, pumpkin. I just don’t know. One minute he’s fine. Playing Xbox, wanting me to read to him. Next thing, his fever spikes, and he can’t even hold his head up. It’s a sad business, darling, to see your own child that sick.” She shook her head. “I feel so bad, dear. You’re going through your own storms all by yourself, and I’ve been too worried to do you any good, I’m afraid.”
“No, you’ve been great.” Kennedy wanted to give Sandy another hug but felt self-conscious about it. Usually, Sandy was the one hugging her. “And I hope you know we’re praying hard for Woong. Willow and me both.”
“Well, I appreciate it, love. That boy needs all the prayer covering he can get.”
Kennedy wanted to ask Sandy the same question Willow had asked her on the way to Providence, but it wasn’t the right time.
A nurse stepped up behind Sandy and tapped her on the shoulder. “Excuse me, Mrs. Lindgren. The doctor told me they have your son’s test results back. They’re waiting for you in the conference room.”
Sandy smoothed out the fabric of her flowery skirt. “Oh, that soon? Oh, dear. Let me just tell Woong I need to step out for a minute ...”
“He’s asleep.” The nurse pointed through the window.
“Ok, that’s good. Poor little angel hardly slept a wink last night. Now, I just need to wait for my husband. He stepped into the men’s room down the hall. I doubt he’ll be ...”
“My supervisor already found him. He’s at the conference room. They’re just waiting for you.”
Sandy gave Kennedy a nervous smile. “Oh, then I guess I better go. You don’t mind waiting here in case he wakes up, do you, sweetie? I hate the thought of him all alone in there, finding everyone gone, all by himself in that big room ...”
“I’ll stay here,” Kennedy assured her.
Sandy gave her a weak half-hug. “Then I guess I’ll be back.”
Kennedy thought she felt Sandy’s body quiver just a little.
“I’ll see you then.”
Sandy offered a brave smile then turned around, her long skirt rustling around her as she followed the nurse down the hall to hear her son’s prognosis.