“Kaisley, I still feel a flame with you. Do you feel it, too?” I fucking hated that phrase but smiled patiently as I started the elimination process again. I picked Kaisley first because we had the best one-on-one time today during the model painting experience. Only one artist’s painting remotely resembled the nude model. Alix winning didn’t surprise anybody. It was almost too easy for them.
It was a fun afternoon with zero alcohol and quiet enough to have a good group discussion about love and funny stories about life. I whittled down the list until Charlotte and Ava were the only ones standing in front of me. It was still easy to say good-bye. My top four, Alix, Kaisley, Ophelia, and Lyanna were solid. I wasn’t as close with the bottom three, which was just as much my fault as theirs. First impressions were clouded by reality, and true colors were starting to show. They weren’t bad; they just weren’t for me.
“Ava and Charlotte. This is the last flame of the night. Good luck.” Lauren made eye contact with me, and her smile grounded me after she had barely spoken to me on set today. It gave me a little boost. I hid my own smile. This was a serious moment.
I didn’t think either Ava or Charlotte was super into me. To date, I had kissed only Ophelia and Alix. Kaisley and I’d had a long hug earlier today, and I thought she was going to kiss me, but she pulled away and blushed.
“Ladies, thank you so much for all the experiences we’ve had so far on this journey together. You’re both incredible. We’ve had so much fun today, so it’s hard.” I paused for dramatic effect. “Charlotte.” I waited until she stood in front of me. “I still feel a spark with you. Do you feel it, too?”
She nodded happily. “I do. Thank you.”
She one-arm hugged me and stood with the others. Lauren stepped forward. “Ava, I’m sorry, but please say your good-byes.”
I waited for Ava to make her way to me. “Thank you so much for everything. I wish you the best luck at finding somebody,” I said.
She hugged me hard and left the room. I saw one of the producers issue her into a room for her exit interview. It looked like she was wiping away tears, but I wasn’t one hundred percent. Sadness pinged me because, even though I didn’t feel a connection, it didn’t mean that she didn’t. That’s why I hated this process.
“How are you holding up?” Lauren asked.
I was standing in the doorway away from the celebratory contestants, who held glasses of champagne and were in a large group talking. “I’m okay. I guess the deeper we get, the more people are going to get hurt. I don’t want to cause anyone pain, and honestly, I’m surprised at Ava’s reaction.”
“I know it’s hard for you, and it’s only going to get harder. Why don’t you head over to the group so we can finish filming and call it a night?” she asked.
She was so sincere, and I was so tired and drained that I wanted to lean into her and just breathe. I wanted to feel her strength and have her arms around me again. “That sounds perfect.” Mandee quickly powdered my face so it wasn’t shiny for the cameras and straightened the straps of my evening dress. Tonight I was wearing a sapphire-blue, full-length dress with spaghetti straps and no bra. Mandee used pasties to cover my nipples in case they decided to make an appearance. I did my obligatory cheering with the remaining six and spent an additional half hour talking to Denise about the day and where I was emotionally in the process.
“I have to focus on what’s best for me and who’s best for me. When you meet somebody and start dating, their best foot is always forward. I want to get down to the nitty-gritty with the remaining contestants and see what they’re like when their walls are down. I want to know who they are when they’re just being their genuine self.”
“Do you think you’ll find that with somebody in the other room?” Denise asked.
The rule was to repeat the question and answer it so that Denise’s voice, or whoever was handling the camera at the time, wouldn’t be heard. “Do I think I’ll find that with somebody here? I think I will. I have very high hopes.”
* * *
Lauren knocked this time, which was weird yet completely understandable. “I thought today went well. You seemed to be enjoying yourself.”
“It was fun. We probably should have had Alix paint with their other hand to make it an even playing field, but at least everyone tried. Come on in.” I stepped aside so Lauren could enter. She was wearing board shorts and another sleeveless rash guard. I guess the laps were still on. I had planned to swim even if she hadn’t shown up.
“At least nobody fell into a fit of giggles at seeing the model.”
“Oh, for sure, Frankie would have. And it would have snowballed from there,” I said. I stopped and smiled at her. “Thanks for coming. I wasn’t sure if you were, since it’s so late.”
“We had a deal. Doughnuts on candle night.”
“Wait. You have doughnuts? Where are they?” I playfully held her arms out and gave her a look-over to see where she was hiding them.
She laughed and pulled away from me. “They’re in the car. For after our laps.”
I groaned and sighed. “You’re right. Two laps for every doughnut.” I headed out the sliding door to the pool area.
“Two laps for every bite of every doughnut.”
She kicked her shoes off and threw her hair back in a ponytail.
I looked at her in disbelief. “You’re about to see me eat a doughnut in two bites. Six laps, here I come.” I quickly removed my shirt and shorts and dove into the water. She was beside me in a matter of seconds.
“Let’s shoot for ten laps. That shouldn’t take too long,” she said.
“Says the Olympian,” I said.
“The Olympics would have been nice, but I wasn’t that good. Come on. The sooner we swim, the sooner we eat.”
We swam in silence until we finished all ten laps. It felt good to stretch my body in the water. I wasn’t a great swimmer and wondered if I flailed as badly as I thought.
“I hope you’re not judging my form,” I said. We were leaning back against the edge of the pool resting. Lauren didn’t look winded at all. I felt the burn all over.
Lauren smiled. “Your form is fine. Are you open to tips?”
“Yes, of course.”
“Breathe in through your mouth when your head is to the side and breathe out through your nose when your head is in the water. Eventually you’ll find a rhythm, and you won’t be so breathless at the end of a lap.”
“To be fair, this is a pretty good-size pool. It’s not something you’d find in the backyards of Scottsdale, Arizona.”
“This is a beautiful pool. I love that you want to take advantage of it and invited me, too. I really appreciate your generosity,” she said.
“If it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t be here, so thank you. And you’re welcome anytime. I’ve learned to lock doors.”
“And I’ve learned to not barge through them.”
She was smiling so I knew she wasn’t appalled or upset by seeing me masturbate. Secretly, I wanted to know how much she saw and if it turned her on. I’d touched myself this morning and thought about her the entire time. I didn’t know if the lust in her eyes was from that moment or because I fantasized that was her reaction. Either way, I came hard and fast.
“Are you ready for a doughnut? We can sit out here and wait until it gets light out.”
“That sounds nice. Coffee? I think I can figure out the machine. I can make it while you get the doughnuts.”
“Coffee and doughnuts sound like the perfect start to this day,” she said.
The machine proved to be too much for me, and I couldn’t find the manual in any of the drawers. Ordinarily, I’d YouTube instructions, but I didn’t have a phone or the internet. I was at Lauren’s mercy. What was taking her so long? As if we were recording, she popped into the kitchen on cue, wearing dry clothes and carrying a pink box with a white ribbon.
“It beat me.” I leaned against the counter looking as pathetic as I possibly could.
“You’re in luck. Because of my coffee obsession, addiction, whatever you want to call it, I’ve got this. I’ve used this machine many times.” She added the grounds to the machine, flipped the “on” switch located on the back, and hit a combination of buttons that I wouldn’t remember tomorrow. After a hiss and a gurgle, coffee started dripping into the pot. Lauren turned, and I put my hand up. She slightly smacked hers against mine in an awkward high five.
“How do you take your coffee?” I asked.
“There’s only one way when eating doughnuts. Black,” she said.
I looked at her in disgust. “What? It’s way too bitter for that.”
She shook her head. “There’s way too much sugar in the doughnuts to drink something sweet, too. Black coffee or unsweetened almond milk.”
“I need cream to cut the bitterness. We’ll have to agree to disagree.” I opened the box and inhaled the sweet scent that made my mouth water. “Also, thank you for bringing them. I’m eating two.” I grabbed a cinnamon twist and a glazed and put them on a napkin while I waited for the coffee. “What time do we have to report for duty?”
Several crew members were milling about. I knew I would be interviewed today about last night’s elimination. They would get camera angles of me saying very generic yet heartfelt things about my emotions or what I was looking for in a partner. It was hard to keep myself entertained during the in-between times when the crew was busy doing its thing. Since my skin was sensitive, and Mandee and Buzzy hated tan lines, I couldn’t go poolside. I had started a paper-and-pen journal on day one, but that had fizzled after the first two weeks. My journey was important, so I vowed to write more today. I wished it was digital so my thoughts weren’t just laying around in a book that could be picked up and read by anyone walking by. At least I had passwords on a laptop or iPad.
“Closer to sunset so the lighting is softer and more romantic.”
“I can’t tell you how boring my life is here. But at least I have doughnuts.”
“I’m sorry you’re bored. Can I do anything to help?”
I brushed crumbs off my cheek and swallowed before answering. “I could use some books. The contestants at least have one another to talk to and can play games and go in the pool. As beautiful as this place is, without a book, a phone, or cable, I can’t really enjoy the sunroom or the big fluffy chairs by the window or the patio furniture outside. I’m alone with my thoughts, and then I question every decision in my life. I need something to get my mind off things. I need to decompress.” During my first season, the only book in the entire apartment was the Bible.
Lauren nodded. “Totally understandable. There’s no reason you can’t have a stack of books. What’s your favorite genre?”
I hadn’t read a book in forever, but with my downtime between shoots and dates and interviews, I could get caught up on a series. I smiled as I conjured up a list of books from the last three years I was dying to read. “Any lesfic or lesbian romance or, oh, Dolly Parton’s book, no political books, but anything else on the New York Times’ bestseller list.” I grabbed her hands. “Anything is fine. Janet Evanovich, Gillian Flynn, Stephen King, James Patterson—even though everybody hates him personally. Anything. I’m kind of losing my mind here all by myself, even though I’m not by myself.” I heard the desperation. “See? I’m losing it.”
“I get it, and I’ll see what I can do.”
The determined look in her eyes gave me hope. “What did the other flames do when they weren’t on camera? I can’t be the only bored one.”
“The last flame was poolside most of the time. And drank a lot. You are definitely low maintenance. Josef with an ‘ef’ isn’t used to cooking whatever he wants. Most of the flames have taken full advantage of this place and the amenities.”
“I guess I forgot I could put in requests. I usually just stay out of the way and come running when he rings the bell. I should be eating healthy anyway.” I swallowed the irony with a bite of the tasty cinnamon twist.
“Listen, I have to run, but have a good day, and I’ll see if I can’t get you some reading material for boring days,” she said.
I frowned because she was leaving already, but she had a job to do. “That would be wonderful, because I look forward to our visits way too much.” I froze at my confession. We were just getting over our last awkward moment. The last thing we needed was another one.
She quickly masked her surprise at my words. “I know it’s hard having only me as a friend during this time. Stay hydrated, and be careful if you go out on the beach.”
“I will. Thanks for the doughnuts.”
I grabbed the box and knocked on the video-village door, where the crew members were all smiles at receiving the leftover sugary treats. Lauren had given me the okay to get out from behind these walls. I covered myself in 50 SPF before slipping into shorts and a full-length UV sun shirt to protect my arms and chest from burning. I braided my hair and tucked it up under a wide-brim hat. After putting on sunglasses, I didn’t even recognize myself when I looked in the mirror. It was quite the transformation. I looked like I did back home, not the sexy, high-femme bachelorette that was on television.
Why didn’t I live near a beach? I stared out at the ocean and smiled as diamond sunbursts reflected off the water. The water felt refreshing on my feet and calves, and I smiled again when small rocks and shells rolled over my toes as the waves pushed their way ashore. This was a beautiful place. Never in a million years could I afford to live here. It was private, quiet, and great for my anxiety.
I walked for about twenty minutes without seeing a single person. I pocketed a few pretty shells and pieces of sea glass and sat in the soft sand for a break. I heard shouts and laughter off in the distance that I assumed came from the contestants. Their mansion wasn’t too far away. Maybe I could sneak over and not be seen. I was virtually unrecognizable. I got up from my quick break and headed that way. I needed shade and something cold to drink.
I smiled when I heard they were playing chicken in the pool. Getting up to them proved to be quite the challenge. On a whim, I pulled on the gate and smiled again when I found it unlocked. Whoever forgot to secure the latch was going to get into trouble. Or maybe the show saw me coming and unlocked it for my impromptu visit. I was torn between playing lost beach wanderer or tearing off my hat and obnoxiously large sunglasses and revealing myself immediately. Sneaking sounded like more fun, so I slipped into the garden and slowly made my way to the gazebo. Kaisley lay on a lounge chair and sat up in alarm when she saw me. I put my forefinger up to my lips and removed my sunglasses. Her smile lifted my heart, and she softly patted the seat beside her. She held up her hand to stop me when people were close. When the coast was clear, she flagged me over, and I sat on a small table beside the chair, where others would have a hard time seeing me.
“What are you doing here?” she whispered softly and touched my face.
It was the first time I’d wanted to make the first move and kiss somebody on the show. “I went for a walk and followed the laughter. My place is surprisingly close.”
“I’m going to sneak you inside.” She looked around for our escape route. “If you’re okay with it.”
I nodded, knowing full well that even though the crew wasn’t around filming now, every single camera in the house would easily pick us up.
“Okay. Wait here. I’m going to the side patio door, and I’ll wave you over when it’s safe. I need to find Lyanna. She’s the only one not out here with us.”
I couldn’t help but smile as I hid behind the chair. I was pretty sure this was okay behavior, something Denise would definitely love and hate. She would be pissed that she’d missed it but delighted that she had footage of me skulking around the mansion. Maybe. We’d find out soon enough. After three very long minutes, Kaisley appeared at the door and waved me over after she ensured nobody was paying her any attention.
“Lyanna is asleep. We can hang out in the study. It’s private and away from the noise,” she said.
She grabbed my hand and pulled me inside. Surely somebody saw us, but nobody jumped out at us with a camera on their shoulder. We were in the clear. “Do you want something to eat or drink? You feel hot.”
“I would love something cold and nonalcoholic, please.” I slipped off my hat and sunglasses and sat on the leather couch. This felt like a university president’s study, with oversized leather couches, high wingback chairs, and a mahogany bar built into the credenza behind the desk loaded with more brandy and whiskey than I’d seen at several bars. I assumed the bookcases housed tons of books but were placed elsewhere when the show took over. This arrangement forced people to communicate. Kaisley was back and quickly closed the door with a giggle.
“You look so lovely without makeup.”
Cue the embarrassment. At least I knew the cameras wouldn’t be able to catch me in super high-definition. “Thank you. That shows you I wasn’t expecting to come here. I literally was going for a walk and made my way.”
She locked her fingers with mine. “Is this okay?”
I nodded. Her emotions at seeing me felt so genuine that it was hard not to believe her excitement.
“I’m sorry last night was hard.”
It wasn’t, but I nodded. “It’s getting harder.”
“I’m glad you kept me.”
“I’m glad, too.”
To kiss her seemed completely natural, so I did. Her lips were full, and she tasted like sugar and lemons. My stomach dropped for a second when her tongue softly brushed against mine. It was a nice first kiss that was organic and without an audience. She slid her hands up my arms and locked her fingers behind my neck. This wasn’t just a kiss. She planned to make out with me. Everything about the situation was exciting. Kaisley was beautiful, fun, and totally into me. She had sneaked me in so she could have alone time without the others knowing and without cameras three feet from our faces.
“I’m having such a great time with you, and I can’t wait until it’s our date night. I have the best date planned,” she said.
Her lips were back on mine before I had a chance to respond. Tomorrow night was the start of date week. I had six sparkettes left, and by the end of the week, another casualty would pack her bags and head home. As a group, we would have lunch together every day, and then, the date of the day and I would head out for several hours of uninterrupted time. She got to plan the date with unlimited funds. Or at least within reason.
When Kaisley deepened the kiss and straddled me, I panicked. She didn’t strike me as an aggressor, and while it was a bold move, I wasn’t offended, but I was concerned that another contestant would find us in this intimate position.
“We can’t do this here. I’m sorry,” I said. She frowned but nodded and crawled off my lap.
“I understand. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. Sneaking you in here is just so decadent, and I couldn’t help myself,” she said.
“I appreciate your enthusiasm.” I touched my lips. They still tingled from hers. “But we should probably keep it chill in case somebody finds us.” Guilt washed over me when I thought about how the other contestants might feel at us hiding behind closed doors. “Actually, why don’t I sneak in and surprise everyone at the pool?”
She squeezed my hand. “Okay, but thank you for giving me a few private moments.”
I brushed a soft kiss over her lips. “Thank you.” She quietly opened the heavy mahogany door and waved me over.
“The coast is clear.”
I tiptoed to the kitchen and grabbed an apple before opening the sliding door, then walked out to the pool.
“Oh, my gosh! You’re here,” Alix said. They playfully splashed their hand on the water and left the water game they were in the middle of to jump out of the pool and pull me into a hug. I didn’t even mind that they were getting me wet. “What are you doing here? Was there something on the schedule?” They looked around. “Did we know about this?”
I laughed. “No. I went for a walk on the beach and ended up here. By the way, I could hear your pool party from four houses down.” I sat under the umbrella and waited as everyone climbed out of the water. I didn’t even care that I didn’t have any makeup on or that my hair wasn’t perfect. The smiling faces of everyone surrounding me confirmed that I’d made the right decision. Who cared if I got into trouble?
“You sneaked out?” Lyanna high-fived me. The squeals from the contestants must have woken her up.
“I don’t have anything to do there. I’m bored. All alone in a huge house and nobody to talk to. Even though this is a day off for everyone, I thought it might be fun to hang out and not worry about cameras.” I was winging it.
“Do you have a suit on underneath?” Alix gave my sun shirt a soft tug.
“No, but I can sit on the side and dip my feet in. What game did I interrupt?”
Charlotte, who was sharing a chair with Kaisley, waved me off. “We were practicing our synchronized Olympic swimming.”
“Oh, so we have Olympians here, huh?”
“Look, we’re just as bored here as you are there. We have board and card games, if you want to go inside and get out of the sun,” Lyanna said.
It felt so good to just be myself. Because the cameras weren’t rolling, everyone was casual about their attitude and their appearance. This was a great way to see how people were going to be when and if it was just the two of us later down the road. Alix’s personality was large and confident. They were wearing a swim tank and a pair of mid-thigh shorts. While they had an athletic body, the look was laid-back. Lyanna and Ophelia were the only ones who appeared camera-ready. Was it a good idea to hang out here? Probably not. Was I going to leave and go back to an empty house? Probably not.
“Do you have Trivial Pursuit? Let’s play a game.” I mean, what was the worst thing that could happen?