“I don’t know why I’m here,” Lauren said. When I heard her voice, I accidentally swallowed a mouthful of water and choked. “Don’t drown. We need to talk.”
I kept swimming. I couldn’t get out of the pool, afraid for this moment now that it was here. She looked too vulnerable sitting on the edge of the lounge chair, and I knew tonight was going to break me. After four long laps, I decided I couldn’t hold off the inevitable and climbed out. Lauren handed me my towel.
“How are you feeling?” I asked.
She gave me a weak smile. “I’m okay. Thanks for asking.”
I wiped off the excess water and slipped on my robe. I still felt naked physically and emotionally. I sat on the lounge chair next to her and waited for her to speak first, even though millions of words were perched on my tongue, threatening to tumble out.
“You had a good date tonight.” Her voice was low, as though she was defeated.
I stopped her after noticing the cameras were uncovered. “Not here. Do you want to go inside?” I nodded in the direction of one of the cameras, so she got the hint. She stood and motioned for me go ahead of her. We were quiet on what felt like the longest walk of my life. By the time we reached the master suite, my stomach was twisted in a knot so tight I had to sit down. Lauren paced in front of me. “Would you please sit down and talk to me?” I asked. “I’ve been wrecked since last night.”
“I want to apologize for yesterday. I should have never said anything to you. It was unprofessional, and I’m embarrassed by my outburst,” she said. Her eyes flashed with remorse and sadness. Her apology could have waited until morning. She wanted more. That gave me the boost of confidence I needed to speak my truth.
I took a deep breath. “I think you’re here because you want to be.” She stood and moved away. I walked closer. She held up her hands for me to stop. “I get that you don’t want to ruin the show or career that you’ve worked so hard for.”
“That’s not fair.”
I held my hand up. “Please let me finish. I don’t mean anything bad. I just mean I respect what you’ve built. You’ve worked hard and have sacrificed so much to get where you are. It’s hard for your career to be on the line. I understand you have more to lose than I do, but I just want to talk about options.” I hated how clinical that remark sounded, but I needed her to know I had a level head about our situation. “I just want to know if you think we have anything between us because I—” I took a deep breath to clear the waver in my voice. “Lauren, I can’t stop thinking about you.”
“Please don’t.”
Cautiously, I took another step toward her. “I remember when you breezed into the conference room after I flew out to talk to everybody before agreeing to be on the show. I hadn’t watched the show since you took over, but I knew that you had and that it was thriving. You were so warm and made me feel comfortable enough to put myself in the exact situation I was in ten years ago. It was the worst time of my life, but your confidence in me made me throw all caution to the wind and sign on the dotted line. Honestly, I had a crush on you then. I had no idea you were a lesbian.” I couldn’t stop talking, and she wasn’t interrupting. “I’ve been tamping down my feelings because I’m not being fair to anybody involved.”
“That’s what I’ve been saying. This isn’t right. Nothing can happen between us. It wouldn’t be right,” she said.
My heart stopped, but not because she said no. In her message, I heard the confirmation that she felt something, too. “Isn’t the goal to find someone? Isn’t that the whole premise of the show?”
“Yes. One of the contestants.”
Silence hung in the space between us. I didn’t want to give up. I was so close. “But you’re here, in front of me. That means everything.” I touched her hand. When I felt her respond, I pulled her closer. I was damp, my hair was finger-combed and slicked back with pool water, and I smelled like chlorine. I wasn’t sexy, but she made me feel sexy. I touched her face and gave her a small smile when she didn’t pull away. She wanted to be here. I could see the struggle in her eyes. I ran my thumb over her bottom lip and moved even closer. She didn’t move away. When my lips brushed hers, she stepped back. “Please don’t,” I said. “Can’t you tell how much I want you? Out of everyone here, I choose you.” I knew it was bold to go all in, but I had only one shot here before her walls went up again. I closed the gap and waited. She had enough room to get by if she wanted to, but what I wanted and was offering was clear.
“Fuck,” she said and pulled me into her arms.
Her lips were on mine fast and furious at first. I couldn’t get close enough. The lapels of my robe pressed between us, and I reached down to untie the sash. She moaned when my partially naked body pressed against her clothed one, but her hands never left my neck. It was perfect.
I felt a stirring deep inside. Every important part of me throbbed when her tongue dipped into my mouth. I felt her resolve weaken as she moved her hands down to my waist, and a moan bubbled up from her throat. Her lips were hot and her mouth wet, and I never wanted this to end. I wanted to forget the last few months and not think about anybody I might be hurting by kissing Lauren. When her hands slipped inside my robe and rested on my hips, I almost whimpered with delight. Her fingers burned into my skin, and I wanted them all over me, but she pulled away.
“Savannah, wait, stop,” she said.
I instantly dropped my hands and opened my eyes. The passion in hers made me weak with need and strong with desire. I had never wanted to touch and be touched this badly before. The weeks of lusting after her, dreaming about her, wishing for her was finally a reality, but she stopped me. “What’s wrong? Don’t say this is, because it’s not. I’m not going to let a television show define me or tell me who I’m supposed to be with.”
“We’re halfway through the season, Savannah. Let’s just wait it out. I know there are people you care for, and it’s only fair you let it play out.”
“I don’t feel for them what I feel for you. It’s not organic. Even if I was dating Alix and met you after, I would still want to be with you. And that’s the truth,” I said.
“Look, I think you’re wonderful, and I know we have something, but it’s not a good idea right now. We’re both under contract, and it would be a legal nightmare to try to get out of this. We don’t have a choice.”
She held my face in her hands and looked deep into my eyes. She didn’t appear happy or sad, only hungry. I knew if I pressed, she would crumble, and we would be in bed in a matter of seconds, but I had to respect her. I took a deep breath and closed my robe. “You’re right. We need to finish the process. I promise not to do anything that would compromise you or the show. This thing between us affects too many people.”
She tucked my hair behind my ear and rubbed her thumb across my cheek. “I’m going now. We need to stop our late-night swimming dates, too.”
I pressed her hand against my face just to feel her touch one last time. “I know.”
“Try to get some sleep. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
And just like that, she was gone.
* * *
Lyanna and Charlotte stood in front of me with their candles. My one-on-one date with Lyanna was boring, but I almost died on my date with Charlotte.
Okay, that might have been a slight exaggeration, but we had a mishap with the parasailing equipment. The cord started to unravel when they tried to pull it in, so I had to “hang tight” until they were able to get another person in a different parasail to slowly work their way over to me and hook me to another tether. It was the longest hour of my life.
Once I was safely on the beach, I threw up. Lauren was beside me in a flash, ensuring I was okay. I told her I just wanted to go back to my place. Charlotte rubbed my back and handed me a water bottle. It would have been sweet had I not seen her laugh at me stuck up in the air. I hated myself for agreeing to the date, knowing heights weren’t my thing.
“Ladies, Savannah can choose only one of you.” Lauren stood with the sparkettes who had already gotten my flame. She was wearing a simple black dress that fell to her knees and hugged her hips and waist. It was sleeveless and allowed me to secretly drool over her sexy, toned, tanned arms. I was happy my peripheral vision could soak her in.
“Actually, Lauren, tonight I’m going to say good-bye to both lovely ladies. I don’t want to keep them here if I haven’t made a connection with them.” Every single person froze, including Lauren. Somebody must have nodded at her or said something in her invisible earpiece. “Thank you both so much for being here with me. I know it was a big sacrifice, and I wish you nothing but happiness.”
Lyanna took the news the best. “Hey, it’s been fun, and I hope you find the perfect person for you.” She high-fived me and then pulled me into a quick hug before walking out of the room.
Charlotte seemed dumbfounded. I grabbed her hands and squeezed them. “You’re wonderful, and I’m sure you’ll find the one who fills your heart. Good luck.” I gave her a hug, and she left.
Somebody waved me into the interview room, and Mandee pounced the moment I entered. “Sit down. We have a lot to do.”
She pulled at my hair and stabbed bobby pins in it to keep it on top of my head. My makeup took longer because the humidity and my nerves sweated it off. She said something only when I was done.
“Good luck.”
Lauren entered the room, and we did a quick comm check. Her expression was unreadable. Was she angry that I didn’t tell her? I thought for sure Denise would’ve filled her in on the plan, but she must have wanted to get her reaction.
I’d pleaded with Denise to allow me to excuse two contestants this week and used the parasailing mishap as my reason. After Denise reviewed the tapes and saw Charlotte’s reaction, she reluctantly agreed.
“Are you ready?” Lauren asked. Still no emotions.
I gave her a weak smile. “Yes.”
“That was quite a surprise, even for me, when you eliminated both Lyanna and Charlotte. Can you tell us why?”
“I think they’re lovely women, but my connection fizzled with both of them. Lyanna is fun, beautiful, and will surely find somebody soon. And Charlotte is amazing and intelligent, but the chemistry wasn’t there.”
“Your one-on-one dates didn’t go as planned.”
“No, Lauren, they didn’t. I can’t even talk about the parasailing incident.”
“You’re afraid of heights, but you still agreed to Charlotte’s date. Why?”
I wasn’t prepared to answer that question and felt somewhat attacked. We always reviewed questions, but these were new to me. I decided to be honest. “It was her date to present to me, and honestly, I wasn’t sure I could get away with saying no. Rules and all.”
Lauren clearly felt the punch of my words and leaned back. “I understand. I’m sure Charlotte was convincing, and it’s hard to say no sometimes.” That was a horrible message, and I thought it was directed at me, but before I could respond, she continued. “The good news is that we can push up the Mexico trip. Are you excited about that?”
More sun, more sunscreen that made me feel greasy and heat I wasn’t prepared for. “I am. I have a feeling that good things will happen there.”
“More alone time but also eliminations. Can you give us a hint on where you stand with the contestants?”
“I think the sparkettes are on an even playing field.” That wasn’t remotely true, but I knew the rules and some of the canned answers expected from me. Lauren didn’t respond. She wanted more. “I mean, I feel a deep connection with two people here, and I’m excited to see how this experience plays out.”
“We’re excited for you, too. Now how about going back inside and celebrating with the final four?”
“Sounds perfect.” I stood, completely done with this interview. She didn’t attack me, but she gave me no warning about the questions, which wasn’t like her.
“So, we’re going to Mexico, huh?” Alix handed me an old-fashioned when I entered the giant living space. The other contestants rushed me so we could do the stupid toast for the cameras.
“Here’s to good times in Mexico and no dates that take me high in the sky.”
“That was horrible. I would never do that to you,” Ophelia said.
“Well, Charlotte didn’t do anything wrong. I agreed, but I don’t want any future dates involving heights.”
Kaisley put her lower hand on my back for my attention. “We’ve already discussed it and agreed to not put you through anything like that again.”
“Then, cheers,” I said. I stayed for a few obligatory minutes and made a quick exit. I wanted to curl up on the bed in a little ball and maybe cry myself to sleep. I wasn’t even going to swim laps, knowing that Lauren wouldn’t be there. I said good night to the two security guards up front and walked straight up the stairs to my bedroom to get out of my clothes. When I saw the pink box of doughnuts and a stack of newly released lesfic books, I stopped short, and my sour mood instantly changed. I smiled at the note Lauren had tucked inside the warm box.
Don’t forget to do laps if you eat these. Two laps for every doughnut.—L
Inside were four warm, freshly baked ones. I looked at the time. It was midnight. How did she get me fresh doughnuts at midnight?