Chapter Seven

Monochrome

AUSTIN AND I sat together in the hallway on the second floor outside of Mrs. Biederman’s classroom having lunch. I bit into my bean-and-cheese burrito, chewing it thoughtfully. Austin ate two ham-and-cheese sandwiches simultaneously. He’d eat from the one in his left hand, chew, swallow, and then bite into the one in his right hand.

“So bloody good,” Austin mumbled, mouth full of food. “You yanks really know how to make amazing food. Ham, cheese, God, so delish.”

I laughed. “It’s simply an old ham and cheddar cheese.”

“Heaven if you ask me.”

I sipped my soda and asked, “You ready for the decathlon, Kangy?”

Austin chewed thoughtfully. “I think so. As best as I can be. What about you, Eli?”

I shrugged. “I’m not sure, Kangy.”

“You did well in the power quizzes yesterday, Eli. I think you are ready for gold.”

“You think?”

“Of course, Eli,” Austin said. “Though, remember it’s not imperative you get gold. Silver and bronze are good too.”

“I want gold.”

“I know you do, but you’ll still be a winner to me if you don’t get gold.”

He didn’t understand. My goal was to prove we could be together. Winning gold meant I’d never make a mistake again. I’d never be senlàpso and screw everything up.

Austin polished off the last of his sandwiches, mumbling contentedly to himself. Then he asked, “When you win, what are you going to do?”

“Go to Disneyland!”

“Oh, God, please, can I come?”

“Duh, Kangy.” I reached over and squeezed his knee. He smiled at me.

“Eli,” Austin said softly, scooting closer to me. I longed for him to tuck me under his arm and rest his head on mine. To lace our fingers. And kiss. Again.

“How’s session going?”

“What?”

“Session, mate.”

“Pretty good, I guess.”

“Yeah? That’s great mate,” Austin said. “I’m a big believer in therapy.”

“You are?”

“Sure, mate,” Austin said. “I saw a therapist for a while after I came out.”

“You did?” Austin, perfect Austin. Seeing a therapist. Wow.

“Eli,” Austin said, “you don’t know because, well, I never told you. I didn’t have it easy when I came out either.”

“I thought you only told your parents recently.”

“I did,” Austin said, “but I told Barn first, and, well, I wasn’t handling it well. I acted out at school. Got suspended. Wasn’t focused when fighting alongside my parents. I almost got them killed.”

“Shit, Kangy…”

“Yeah, well, Eli, know what you’re going through is normal.”

“I don’t feel normal; thus, the problem.”

“You’ll be fine, mate.” Austin leaned closer to me. I wanted to kiss him so badly.

“Therapy helps, mate.” He leaned against the lockers. I needed him to kiss me.

“And talking. Talk to me about anything. Anything.” He didn’t kiss me. I sighed.

“Thanks, Kangy.” I examined his face. “It’s funny thinking of you needing help. You’re, like, perfect, Kangy.”

“Not completely perfect, but close enough, yeah?”

“Perfect.” Someday we’ll kiss again. I know it.

“Sod off,” Austin said, scuffing his boots against the green-and-white tile floor, “You know I’m just full of bravado, mate.”

“You are?”

“Tell anyone, and I will end you,” Austin said sternly.

“Um, okay.”

We sat in silence for a while. Mrs. Biederman appeared at the top of the stairs with a salad.

“Do we have a meeting I don’t know about? I forget, you know. I’m sorry.”

“No, Mrs. B,” Austin said. “We just like to hang out here in this wing where it’s quiet.”

“Well, it is the English and history wing. Boring subjects.” Mrs. Biederman tittered as she fumbled with her keys. “Have a good lunch, boys. See you after school. Go Aca Deca!” she said and disappeared inside her classroom.

Austin whistled a few bars from Morrissey’s “The More You Ignore Me the Closer I Get.”

“Kangy?”

“Yes, Eli?”

“Do you miss your gran?”

“Aye,” Austin said. “She’s a wonderful person. I can’t wait for you to meet her. She’s like me, but much, much smaller.”

“I’m happy to be here though,” Austin added. “California is amazing, mate,” Austin said. “You have no idea how lucky you are to be here. Trust me, I’ve been all over the world. This is the best place to be.”

“Bore-bank?”

“Brill-bank!”

I scoffed, “No way.”

“Yes, way, Eli.”

Austin paused to eat some chips. I sipped my cola. After a moment, Austin said, “Barn really helped me when I came out. He was my rock during that time. And then he left. It was hard, but I accepted it wasn’t his choice. He had to come here with his dad who was taking charge of Wong AeroMagicals.”

“And be a badass Coaugelo.”

Austin stood to stretch. I watched his shirt ride up over his waistband, the fine line of hairs crawling from his jeans to his belly button.

“You do that on purpose.”

“You like it, Eli.”

“Kangy, Kangy.”

Austin sank back to the floor, scooting close to me. “You think I’m perfect—which is pretty true—but I worked at it.”

I didn’t say anything, letting what he told me percolate into my brain.

“You’re working at it too, Eli.”

“I mean, not like you.”

“Give yourself more credit,” Austin said. “I see you trying. Everyday. Studying for Aca Deca, giving it your all in Oklahoma! rehearsals—such a small role, mate!”

“There are no small roles, Kangy, only small actors.”

Austin chortled. “Well said,” he added. “You’re sorta short, Eli.”

“I’m six feet now! Ask Dr. Hu. She can confirm.”

“Still my little slimso.”

“Not a dwarf!”

Austin leaned over to muss my hair affectionately. “I know you’re going to get better because you are trying so hard. And you are going to win gold, In Aca Deca, the All Valley, and the 5K! I know you can do it.”

“Talk about multitasking.”

“It’s in your DNA,” Austin said. “Or you were so programmed to spend every waking minute doing something it comes second hand to you.”

“Maybe I should slow down?”

“Yeah, maybe.”

“I’m gonna feel so good when I win. You know. I mean I’m hungry.”

Austin offered me his bag of chips. I chuckled. “No, Dáumo Máurso called me that. Means I’m determined. He’s amazed I’ve picked up Xem Sen Ou so quickly.”

“Brilliant!”

“Yeah, I feel good right now.”

Austin reached in his backpack and pulled out a box of donuts. “Want one?”

“Kangy, how much food do you have in there?”

Pink spread across Austin’s face. “Only these and my emergency submarine sandwich, another miracle food only found in America.”

“Emergency submarine?”

“Yeah, mate,” Austin said. “You never know when you’re gonna get really soddin’ hungry, yeah?”

I laughed.

“What are you going to do when everything is said and done, Eli?”

“What do you mean?”

“After you’ve accomplished all your goals. Besides taking Kangy to Disneyland? Will you feel different?”

I’ll devote myself to you, Kangy, because then I’ll know I can succeed in love.

I didn’t respond to Austin. Instead, my mind raced back to session last weekend.

“You think love is dangerous, Belinda? Tell me more?” Arnulfo said.

“I know it’s dangerous. One moment, you’re ecstatic at having found the one, you’re tripping the light fantastic. The world is filled with champagne and caviar. The sun never seems to set. And then in a heartbeat, it’s over. It’s done. And you wonder why you didn’t see it coming. How could you? You wanted to believe in love, but when you did, it turns out that maybe love is too amorphous for the heart to hold.”

Arnulfo leaned back. I stared at Mom. She had tears in her eyes. Stylo leaned over and handed her some tissues.

“Do you think that maybe sometimes love just ends?” Arnulfo asked the room.

“Gosh,” Stylo admitted, “yes. You know, I was in love with Delma Ortega just yesterday, but today, well, she was on Insta and I realized she might be basic. And I’m not into that, you know?”

Everyone chuckled in spite of the tension in the room.

“Belinda, thank you for sharing,” Arnulfo said. “Sounds like you loved hard, and that is good. You got Elijah from that love. And from what I can see he is a brilliant son. And you know, sometimes relationships end. And it’s hard, but when the dust settles, you can look around and realize good comes from it ending.”

Mom wiped the tears from her eyes. “Yes, maybe you’re right.” She was looking at me. Smiling at me.

“And I can tell you have a heavy burden from love, but maybe it’s okay to move on, Belinda.”

Mom nodded, staring at the pink and gray and blue carpet underfoot.

“And I’d like to suggest that coming out and dealing with being young and queer is like the experience Belinda shares. It’s jubilant and amazing on one hand, you finally feel like yourself. At the same time, it’s very hard. And just like love is a process, so is coming out. It can be traumatic, but you move on. You look around at what came from your journey. You’re all here. That’s a testament to you all. Being here means you are growing.”

The warning bell rang at the end of the hall, stirring me from last week’s session.

“Lunch is over,” Austin complained.

“Yeah,” I said, standing up, brushing crumbs from my jeans. “You asked what I’m going to do when this is all over? Well, I’m going to do nothing.”

“Good plan! Kangy loves to do nada!” He considered. “After Disneyland, yeah?”

*

LATE THAT NIGHT, I lay in bed staring at the ceiling, wide awake, heart pounding, mind racing. My body hurt all over. Not possible, as Mom said, no one was tired at sixteen. I was an anomaly.

Rain fell outside. Sirens sounded in the distance. Was there a fire somewhere? A house consumed by flames, the entire world of one family gone. Or monsters lurked in the night, preying on Ordinaries. Of course. The battle never ended. I was exhausted thinking about the never-ending struggle to fight the coven. The darkness, like the vast expanse of space, a void stretching to infinity. My heart raced imagining how insignificant life on Earth was in the universe.

“Get some rest, Elijah,” the cherubs urged. “We can play the harp for you. To help you sleep.”

“That would be nice,” I said, closing my eyes. A moment later, the plaster cherubs began strumming their little plaster harps. I relaxed.

My eyes opened slowly. I was standing in the bumblebee garden, only everything was monochromatic. The grass and flowers were black, the bees were white, the sky was white dotted with black clouds.

I looked down, white loafers, white slacks, white vest and jacket.

A woman walked toward me dressed completely in black with a veil trailing behind her and holding black roses in her hands.

“What’s going on?” I called out.

“It’s my wedding day, Elijah,” a familiar voice said. The veil dissolved, revealing Devlina underneath, her face pale white like a Kabuki actor, mouth painted black.

“You’re getting married?”

“To the most wonderful man…monster…demon…devil…”

“What’s his name?” Why couldn’t I remember his name?

“I know him as Coa Tampocens.”

“The end?”

“When the Big Bang happened, at first there was light, and then from the light came darkness. The darkness was pure. And good. How do you appreciate light with no dark?”

Devlina and I walked on the black grass past the black flower beds headed to the meadow in the distance. A black pergola stood at the foot of the lake. A black orb hovered in the center.

“And Coa Commentia and Coa Tampocens divided. And the Áuqala was born and Zid’dra right after. Both had their roles. Creation, destruction. The endless cycle. What is life without death? Creation without destruction?”

“Devlina, have you been smoking the magic grass?”

Devlina said nothing. She marched toward the black orb floating over the black grass set against the white sky.

“Devlina, I’m confused. You are married to Zid’dra, but you’ve been fighting.” I reached for her. She pushed me away. “Are you getting hitched, again?”

“Yes,” she said. “And this time, I will submit to him.”

“What does that mean?”

“Why fight when I should know my place.”

“Devlina, maybe you have a choice.”

Devlina advanced. Gray smoke lifted from the black grass obscuring the white sky. The black orb pulsed with energy.

“Elijah, Elijah…” a voice said in my mind. “You know what you can do too.”

“No, what?”

“Join us, join us,” the voice said. The orb grew larger and larger, rising above the smoke and blotting out the light. Two red dots appeared in the center of the orb.

I stumbled and fell to my knees. I couldn’t breathe.

“You will follow her,” the raspy voice whispered inside my head. “Submit to me.”

“No,” I said. “I am going to push myself and show the world who I really am.”

The orb pulsed. The red dots bored into my head.

“Didn’t you say I needed to do that?”

“I have reconsidered,” the voice said. “Havunt regardare tu. I’ve been watching you. You’re going to fail. It’s in your genes. Just give up now.”

“No,” I said. “Screw you!”

The orb grew bigger. Black flames leaped and danced around me.

“Aulare rente ada domincens adva!”

“I’ll talk to you how I please!”

“Petulant child!”

I leaped over the flames, running to Devlina’s side. She stood before the orb holding a knife in her left hand.

“Devlina!” I called out after a moment. “You don’t have to do this. Maybe love ends, but you don’t have to.”

“Shut up, you stupid boy!” a hoarse voice shouted in my head. “You will never succeed; I will stop you!”

I stood up and rushed for Devlina, pulling her back from the orb.

“Devlina, wake up! Wake up!”

“Elijah Delomary, it never rains in Southern California,” she said cryptically.

And the black sky opened up, drenching me in heavy rain made of hot tar, not water. My skin burned as the tar began to smother my face.

I woke up clawing the air for breath.

“Are you okay, Elijah?” The cherubs stopped strumming. “You had a nightmare!”

“Yeah,” I said. “Dreaming of Zid’dra. Random.”

“You should go to sleep.”

“My body hurts.”

“When do you compete, Elijah?”

“Soon.”

“You can rest afterwards.”

I sank back into the bed. “Yes, that will be nice. Resting. Being with Kangy. Everything will be better then. We’ll be solid, you know.”

The cherubs resumed strumming their harps as I fell into a fitful sleep as the rain continued to fall from the sky.