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A MAN ROMANCES A WOMAN’S HEART

A true man does not need to romance a different girl every night. A true man romances the same girl for the rest of her life.

ANA ALAS

In the summer of 1996, I started my ninth preseason camp with the Raiders. We’d had some strong seasons, winning the AFC West Division in 1990 and making the playoffs in 1991 and 1993. We’d even advanced to the AFC title game in 1990, only to get trounced by Buffalo. I’d played for three head coaches—Mike Shanahan, Art Shell, and our current coach, Mike White—along with more quarterbacks than I could count.

I’d enjoyed personal success as well. In addition to making another Pro Bowl appearance, I was coming off a season with eighty-nine receptions for 1,342 yards, a 15.1-yard average. I also added 364 yards on punt returns. Now that Marcus Allen had moved on to Kansas City, I was one of the established stars and team leaders. At this point, we needed all the stars and leadership we could get. Al Davis had moved the team back to its original home in Oakland for the 1995 season, which was great for the longtime fans. Our record that year was just 8-8, though, and few expected us to improve on it in 1996.

I was as determined as ever to have a great season and to help my team win. Little had changed about my goals and life on the football field. Off the field, however, was another matter. My new commitment to my faith gave me a fresh perspective on everything. And I found my thoughts turning more and more to the girl in the polka dot dress.

After that first long call, Sherice and I continued to talk on the phone. All of those early calls seemed to go four or five hours. She was so easy to talk to and we seemed to have so much to say to each other. I wanted to learn everything about her.

I discovered pretty quickly that God was a high priority for Sherice, which definitely impressed me. Even as a child, she loved going to church and arranged to go with whoever would take her. Sherice dedicated her life to God at the age of eighteen, rededicated it after she turned twenty-three, and was baptized in 1995. Never much of a drinker, she gave up alcohol entirely and stopped going to clubs with friends. She began spending more and more time reading her Bible. She found that her desires were aligning with God’s desires.

About a month after we met, I joined Sherice at a Los Angeles church for her Knight in Shining Armor graduation ceremony. The girls graduating at the church had read that by the time they completed the book and program, many would have already met their “knight.” I didn’t know about me being a knight, but Sherice was looking more and more like a princess to me. After the ceremony, we went out for dinner at a restaurant. It was our first date.

For our second date, I planned to take Sherice out to dinner again. But when I showed up at her apartment, I was completely taken by surprise. She’d set a fancy table and prepared an amazing candlelight dinner. I’m talking about Cornish game hens, wild rice, sweet and red potatoes, fresh green beans, brisket, and dinner rolls—the works.

“Who in your family is from the South?” I said. “Because West Coast folks don’t cook like this.” I’d had girls bake me cookies and give me Rice Krispy treats before, but no girl had ever made me a home-cooked, candlelight dinner. Everything was fantastic.

For me, that meal was the coup de grâce. Sherice embodied everything I was looking for in a woman and a wife. She was beautiful—which isn’t the most important quality a man should look for, but in a romantic relationship you’ve got to be attracted to the girl. She was also utterly comfortable in social situations. I’d been with girls who stayed attached to my hip during social events because they were afraid to talk to people without me. With Sherice, if I had to check out of a conversation for a while, it was more like, “Oh, you go on, I’ll be just fine,” and she’d go right on talking as if nothing had happened. That was a quality I appreciated.

Of course, I’d heard from Chester that Sherice could cook, but I hadn’t realized he meant she could cook. That dinner at her apartment blew me away.

More important than all of that, though, was the strength of Sherice’s faith. She loved Jesus in a way that drew me to her. A friend had told her, “I’ve always noticed a certain light about you. When I’m around you, you make me want to be a better person.” That’s how I felt about Sherice. I could imagine a relationship with her that would also enhance our relationship together with God.

There was something exciting and freeing about starting a friendship with a woman that was based not on sex but on God and getting to know everything about each other. The truth is, I realized after those first three or four weeks of phone calls that Sherice was the girl I wanted to marry. I knew she was at least interested in me. Now I just had to show her how I felt and pray that if God wanted us together, He would allow it to happen.

Most guys are goal setters and problem solvers. If we see something we want or an issue that needs to be taken care of, we figure out how to fix it or get it, and we go for it. When it comes to romance, though, we can be a little clueless.

What I’ve learned is that women like to be noticed, appreciated, and pursued. They define romance as the things a guy does to make them feel loved, protected, and respected. Most important of all, they want to be heard and understood. They want a relationship that is heart to heart and soul to soul.

The great thing about the beginning of my relationship with Sherice was that because she lived in Los Angeles and I was based in either Dallas or the Bay Area, most of our first interactions were over the phone. We got to know each other in a deep way simply because we talked and shared so much. As my feelings for her increased, though, I knew I couldn’t stop there.

I began sending cards and roses to Sherice every week. We each selected and shared a Bible verse with each other two or three times a week. When the season started, I sent a car to pick her up at work and take her to the airport so she could fly to my games. When I had a free Tuesday, I often flew in to have dinner and spend a few hours with her.

I also left voice messages for her at work. Sports Illustrated even picked up on that. Austin Murphy started an article about me by quoting one of my voice messages for Sherice: “Hello, my love. Just called to tell you that I missed you, that I thank the Lord every day for sending such a wonderful woman into my life.” In the article, Murphy said I had “a romantic streak the width of Lincoln Kennedy,”¹ our 335-pound offensive tackle. I didn’t see what I was doing as romantic, though. I was just expressing how I felt. I wanted to make Sherice smile every day. I wanted to let her know that someone viewed her as special.

My proposal definitely could have been more romantic. On a scale of one to ten, with ten being the top, mine was more like a 1.75. It was close to Christmas, and Sherice was coming up for our game in Oakland. I was too nervous to try something elaborate. I picked her up at the airport and took her to my place. After we got inside, I grabbed her and asked, “How much do you love me?”

“I love you a lot,” she said.

I took a deep breath. “Do you love me enough to spend the rest of your life with me?” I pulled an engagement ring out of my pocket.

Sherice gulped. Then, thankfully, she said yes. We eventually set a wedding date of June 21.

Romance wasn’t exactly on either of our minds during a conversation we had about three months into our engagement. Sherice joined me in Maui for an NFL Players Association meeting. Since the infidelity of a few star athletes had been making news headlines, Sherice and I sat down in my hotel room to have a frank conversation about athletes, the temptations of women, and marriage.

I now had my priorities in order. Nothing came before God in my life and I wanted to make sure Sherice knew it. She’d never have to worry about me cheating on her because God was higher on the list.

I looked Sherice squarely in the eyes and said, “I will always love God more than I love you.”

That’s probably not the most romantic thing to say to your fiancée. The words might have been a little blunt. From the expression on Sherice’s face, I could tell she was hurt. I also told her that day that if she ever saw me doing something that would anger God, she should leave me because that meant I was probably doing ten other things she couldn’t see.

I wasn’t trying to sabotage my marriage before it started. I was just making it clear that my commitment to her was unquestionably founded on God. That, I believed, was crucial to the success of our relationship. Over the next few months, Sherice had the chance to fully digest my words and understand where I was coming from. Today, I still stand by my statement in Maui. And Sherice says she wouldn’t want it any other way.

In some ways, it’s still hard to believe that Sherice said yes all those years ago. It was a long journey for me to become the kind of guy a girl like Sherice would want to be with. I’m still working on it.

What did Sherice see in me? It had nothing to do with being a celebrity or football player. I still give her a hard time about that. She was a Lakers fan who paid almost no attention to the NFL. Her cousin was on the Raiders practice squad, so she had attended one of our games in 1995. She was in the coliseum the day I caught a twelve-yard pass from Jeff Hostetler, made a couple of moves, and turned it into an eighty-yard touchdown. I had five receptions that afternoon for 143 yards as we beat the Seahawks, 34–14.

Sherice says she missed all that. She claims she didn’t even know who I was. “There’s no way you didn’t know who I was,” I tell her, “so you can just stop with that.”

“I wasn’t paying attention to the game,” she’ll say. “I was talking to Melani, Rocket Ismail’s wife.”

“When somebody starts going eighty yards down the field,” I say, “you stop talking and start asking, ‘Who is that brother running like that?’ ”

It’s an argument I never win. Either way, it’s safe to say that Sherice wasn’t awed by my football success. What did get her attention, apparently, is that I didn’t just talk about my faith. She saw me live it. In her words, “With Tim, what you see is what you get. He loved going to church, Wednesday, Friday, Sunday. He is who he is. He’s real.”

Another thing that impressed her was that I respected and shared her desire to practice abstinence. I’d learned my lesson there. I was looking at the entire woman, not just how fine her body was. It was a new experience for me—I was with one of the prettiest women I’d ever laid eyes on and I wasn’t even thinking about sex. I’d discovered that when two people are physically intimate right away, it throws a roadblock into their relationship. It immediately takes things to a different level. Expectations change. It makes it extremely difficult to see that person for who she is. The ability to get to know her on a deep friendship basis goes out the window.

With Sherice, I developed a heart-to-heart, spiritual connection first. It was exciting in a whole new way. I couldn’t wait to talk to her and see her. I almost wish we could have had a longer engagement so we could’ve gotten to know each other even better before our marriage. Don’t get me wrong—as our wedding approached, I was definitely looking forward to the sex too. I wasn’t planning on any five-year engagement! But the way our relationship grew was godly and special. The more time I spent with Sherice, the more I realized she was worth the wait.

You may be single or married, young or old. No matter where you are in life, there are a few things Sherice and I both believe you should aspire to, especially as they relate to your relationships with women. They start with sharing a strong faith in God. From my perspective, that’s what everything else is based on.

You should also respect the values of your girlfriend or wife. If her boundaries regarding dating and your physical relationship are stricter than yours, they should become your boundaries too. And if hers are less strict and might lead either of you to stray from God’s plan, you need to take the lead in setting limits.

Boundaries were especially important for Sherice because she was sexually molested when she was young. Even now, a touch on her shoulder in a certain way can bring back awful memories. For years, Sherice didn’t talk about those experiences. I’m so proud of her for opening up about it more in the last few years. When she told her story to a group of women at a Super Bowl event, it was powerful. It gave many of those women the courage to say, “That happened to me too” and to start dealing with it.

The woman you’re with may also have different values and ideas about parenting, finances, and all the other issues that come up in a relationship or marriage. You need to talk those things through. Don’t just say, “Here’s how it’s going to be”—or worse, make important decisions without even letting her know. I’ve been guilty of that one with some business opportunities. When Sherice says with more than a hint of sarcasm, “Thanks for involving me in that,” I know I’ve blown it.

Even if you’re married and your wife agrees that the husband has the final say, make sure you see things from her perspective before you make a decision. When you really listen to her, understand what she’s saying, and let her know you get where she’s coming from, it makes all the difference as you go forward. That’s what sustains your heart-to-heart connection.

Another way to keep that connection going is to find out what author and counselor Gary Chapman calls each other’s “love language.”² With Sherice, it’s words of affirmation—she practically glows when someone notices she’s done something well and says so. For me, it’s physical touch. If you rub the back of my hand, I’m like a puppy wagging his tail. I’ll soak that up all day. When you know what most speaks to a woman’s heart, you can encourage her in ways that are especially meaningful.

Of course, when a man and woman get married, and especially once they have kids, it’s easy to get so busy and locked into a routine that the romance starts to fade. Don’t let that happen to you. There’s a reason why so many marriage experts recommend regular date nights for couples—it’s the real deal. As much as I love my kids, it’s a beautiful thing when just Sherice and I can get away for time to relax, have fun, and renew our relationship.

When you put all of this together, you get what Sherice calls the complete Christian man. This is a guy who deeply loves God and his wife. He knows his wife’s heart because he takes the time every day to listen to her and understand her.

Feel intimidated? You shouldn’t. You can be that guy. Make God your foundation, be sure to regularly add a dash of romance, and you’re practically there.