Justin didn’t sleep that night. He lay awake thinking about luck.
When Agnes returned home the next evening he had showered and dressed. He’d even made a stab at cutting his hair, though not a noticeably effective one. He had managed to tidy the flat, open the windows, put his sheets in the washing machine, fold all his things neatly and stow them in Agnes’s wardrobe, set the table, and put out two wine glasses. He prepared a fillet of pork in a peppercorn sauce that smelled delicious.
Instead of looking pleased, Agnes peered at him closely, her expression worried. ‘How are you, Justin?’
He spoke carefully. ‘I’m feeling a lot better, thank you.’
She waited.
‘Agnes?’
‘Yes?’
‘You know when Peter and Dorothea stopped by yesterday?’
‘Before you came home, we talked. I burnt the meat. Peter said they missed me at cross-country.’
Agnes’s smile was strained.
‘He said –’Justin took a deep breath and closed his eyes – ‘He said I’m the luckiest person he knows.’
Agnes burst out laughing. It was so unexpected. ‘What did you say in return?’ she asked, picking up her camera.
‘Put it away.’ He took a swing at it, furious. ‘I told him I am the luckiest person on earth. And it’s all because of you.’ He paused. ‘I love you, Agnes.’
‘Thank you, Justin. I love you too.’
‘You do?’ He beamed, picked up a carving knife and began sawing thick slices of pork.
‘Justin? What exactly are we talking about?’
‘Love. I love you. I’m madly in love with you. Well, madly obviously, given I’m mad as a mudlark. But you saved my life. I’d be dead without you. And you’re so good to me. And you love me too. How lucky is that? Amazing! Amazingly lucky. I can’t live without you. You’re my lucky charm.’
She felt a sudden desire to kill Justin’s well-meaning friend. ‘I’m not your lucky charm, Justin–’
He interrupted. ‘Have some pork. Oh yes you are. You’re my four-leaf clover. My rabbit’s foot. My amulet. Without you I’m completely at the mercy of the forces of doom –’
‘I am not your lucky charm! Do you hear me, Justin?’
He stopped and stared at her wildly. ‘But I love you, Agnes. I need you. I’m lost without you.’
‘Justin, you know that’s not true.’
‘You don’t understand!’ He was nearly shouting, making alarmingly large, swooping gestures with the carving knife. ‘Without you I would have been killed. What if it happens again?’
‘Try not to think about it. It won’t happen again.’
‘How can you know that?’
‘I just… I have a definite feeling.’
‘A feeling isn’t good enough!’ He was shouting, despite knowing it didn’t help. He took a deep breath, placed a jagged plank of pork on her plate, and began to spoon sauce over it with a shaking hand. ‘I know you think I’m crazy, but you must realize I can see certain things more clearly than you can. Terrible things are happening every minute of every day. They lie in wait and if you try to avoid them in one direction they spring up in another. Unless you’re lucky. And that’s the problem. I’m not lucky. At least, on my own I’m not. With you it’s different. You love me, you said so. And you saved my life, I don’t know how you did it, but you did. And also you’re so…’ He faltered.
Agnes felt infinitely tired. She reached out and took his hand, wishing she were somewhere else.
‘Justin, please try to listen. I don’t want to be your lucky charm. I don’t want to be some sort of metaphysical bodyguard. If I saved you once, it was coincidence, a once- in-a-lifetime thing. But I can’t do it like a party trick, and I don’t want to have to protect you at all, really. My life is complicated enough, though of course I’m happy to do what I can because you’re my friend and I care about you, but it’s been really difficult knowing how to help you lately. I do love you, in a way, because you’re interesting and sweet –’
Justin winced.
‘– but at the same time I’m quite worried about your mental state, and to be honest it probably was a bad idea that we had sex that time, even though it was very nice in many ways, because I’m not in love with you, and I’m sorry if that makes you feel bad because I know you’ve been through so much lately, but I have to say it because it’s the truth.’ She peered at him and smiled a hesitant smile. ‘Don’t look so sad, Justin, it’s not the end of the world.’
‘Not yet.’ He looked away.
There was an uncomfortable silence. Justin broke it. ‘So, I want to be perfectly clear on this question. You’re saying you’re not in love with me?’
‘Yes, that’s exactly what I’m saying.’
‘You just thought it would be nice to take a few pictures to help make you famous and then dump me?’
Her eyes narrowed. ‘You know that’s not true.’
‘Do I?’ His voice took on a pleading tone. ‘Couldn’t you try to be in love with me, just a little? I wouldn’t be nearly so crazy if I knew you were in love with me.’
‘You can turn it on and off?’
‘That’s not what I meant.’
‘I know it’s not. But look at yourself, Justin, you’re bouncing around like a ping-pong ball. I can’t save you, there aren’t enough hours in the day. You’ll get through it, I’m sure you will. You just need lots of time. Peace and quiet. Nothing to confuse you.’ She frowned. ‘Maybe you should see a doctor.’
‘No.’
‘A counsellor?’
‘No.’
‘Would you consider going back home?’
He turned away.
‘Well then… isn’t there somewhere else?’
‘You don’t want me any more.’ His voice was flat.
Agnes sighed. She had once liked the thought of helping him. She just hadn’t realized how much help a person could require.
They ate dinner in silence. The pork was excellent.
‘What about Peter and Dorothea?’ she asked, putting the kettle on.
‘What about them?’
‘Maybe you could stay with them.’
Justin nodded, defeated.