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Traffic was heavy leaving the college area and Interstate 8 was nothing more than a slow trudge to the west. I did my best to get comfortable behind the wheel and then started to work over what I'd learned.
Patrick's drug problem hadn't been watered down by his mother. It had been significant. Like so many people in their teens and twenties, Patrick had fallen victim to a drug that never truly released its hold on those who became hooked. It seemed as if he'd truly tried to get out from under it, but couldn't escape completely.
A minivan let me slide over a lane to my left and I held up a hand in thanks.
And no matter what approach I took to his death, it felt like suicide was the end result.
Yes, he'd been trying to get things together in his life. He had apparently stopped using. He was focused on his music. He had a support system. There was plenty of evidence that he'd made progress.
But there were also some things that didn't add up.
The band was clearly in a state of turmoil. They had a definite disagreement on how they should move forward and it had fractured them. Their lack of money and avenues to get money had created a fissure, and from listening to the three remaining members, it seemed as if it was going to be a hard gap to close.
I checked my rearview mirror. The minivan let another car slide over. He apparently knew none of us were getting anywhere fast.
Patrick's relationship with Erin had also deteriorated, mainly over how she perceived he wasn't being honest with her. I didn't think there was any question that she cared about him, but I understood what she said about not being able to fully trust him. My guess was that he also felt that. No relationship was going to survive those hurdles.
I pulled the sun visor down, trying to cut the late day glare that was causing me to squint at the traffic in front of me.
Patrick had significant stressors in his life, ones that would've weighed anyone down. There was no denying that he was feeling pressure from his band mates and Erin. There was pressure just to stay clean. His anger toward Erin and his sequestering himself from the band seemed to indicate the pressure was getting to him.
So no matter how much Mike and Cleo and everyone else didn't want to believe it, it seemed to me that his suicide was not just the most logical cause of his death, but also understandable.
I thought about how I was going to present those things to Mike as I inched toward the west and closer to Coronado.
By the time I got home, it was well after dinner and I was disappointed to find the house empty. I checked my phone and saw that Elizabeth had texted me during the drive, telling me that she was going out with a couple of friends. I texted her to let her know that I'd been driving and that I was home now. She responded a few minutes later, letting me know they were in the Gaslamp and probably wouldn't be home until much later. I didn't need to wait up.
I pulled a bag of lettuce from the fridge and made a quick, uninspired salad. I scrolled through my school email while I ate standing at the counter. I left the dishes in the sink, then went to the bathroom to shower. I put on a pair of shorts and a T-shirt after drying off and propped myself up on the bed, grabbing the television remote. I glanced at the shoulder bag that housed all of my school materials, knowing I had some things to grade and a lot more things to plan for January.
I looked away from it and flipped through the channels, but nothing grabbed my interest. I finally settled on a movie I'd seen multiple times before, not to watch it again, but just so there'd be noise in the room and I wouldn't feel so alone.
I checked my phone several times, but there was nothing of interest.
I knew I wouldn't hear from Elizabeth unless she needed something.
After a while, I drifted off, the noise of the television unable to keep me awake.
I thought I heard the door open at some point in the night and I assumed it was Elizabeth getting home.
But I didn't get up.
I laid there in the dark, the television glowing in the room, trying to shut out the thoughts of Patrick Bullock and the other things in my life that were making so much noise in my head.