The Ace and the Bear

It was 2008 and I was a week into being eighteen when I met Ansel. I was sitting behind him in class on our first day of senior year history. I was doing fine, just scribbling in my notebook, drawing cats to amuse myself while the teacher continued on when it happened. Ansel turned to the side, putting his arm over the back of the chair, and smiled at me. He had two crooked teeth and a scar on his cheek, and even though I'd crushed on movie stars for years before that, I was suddenly liking the country boy look.

"Hey, you're new, right?" Ansel asked.

I nodded and stopped drawing. I had a half-done purple cat staring up at me. "I'm Jonah."

"Ansel."

He didn't need to tell me his name. I'd learned it already when the teacher called out and we'd had to raise our hands to tell her that we were here. Maybe I shouldn't have introduced myself either then.

"You going to the party tonight?" he asked.

I'd just moved there. I knew no one and I knew nothing about any parties. The most interaction I'd had with anyone had been at the grocery store when a girl who had probably been my age checked us out. I shrugged.

"Ansel, turn around. Eyes front!" the teacher snapped at him, and he was quickly looking away from me again. Him paying attention to me was a welcome distraction. He tore off a piece of paper, wrote on it for a lot longer than I thought a note should take, then passed it back to me.

Two miles west of the Walmart on 5, red tractor on the right. Park on field beside barn. Starts at 10.

"Okay," I whispered. My cheeks were warm. He gave me a thumbs up without looking back at me. I'd been invited to my first party in Missouri.

*~*~*

I got dropped off at my driveway at just after four. No bus stops for me. Not anymore apparently. This town didn't actually have them. I had to walk about five hundred feet from the county highway to my front door. I'd been living there almost a week, and it still unnerved me a bit that the speed limit right outside my front door was fifty-five.

In San Francisco, we'd had a little townhouse with a patch of yard that was smaller than some of the trucks I'd seen in the school parking lot. Now I had over two acres of woods to walk through. My parents wouldn't be home for a few hours, and I didn't have that much homework to do since it was the first day and all, so I went for a walk.

And I thought about Ansel.

I had only one friend I still talked to from San Francisco: Daisy. I called her up, needing to talk to someone about the boy who had talked to me today.

"Hey," she said.

"I got invited to a party tonight," I told her.

"That's good." Daisy sounded bored, and like I'd interrupted her. Maybe she was playing video games or something. That was what Daisy loved doing the most.

I should have just let her go so she could go do whatever she wanted and not be bothered by me, like I felt I was doing. But I'd never really been invited to parties before. I knew the basics. I knew to look good. But more than that? I had no idea and needed advice.

I tried to tell myself Ansel had probably invited everyone to his party. That made me feel better. And a little less put on the spot. I didn't know that for a fact of course. But thinking that made it less scary. Because if I thought for a moment that a guy as cute as Ansel had actually wanted me to be there as a sort of date, I was pretty sure I would start going nuts. It wasn't a date. It was definitely not a date.

"Are you gonna go?" Daisy asked me.

"I have no idea. I want to. I think so."

"Good. Should I hook up with Tyler again? He's kind of a douche, but he's good sometimes too."

Ugh. Tyler again. He was her sometimes boyfriend, not really though, mostly just a guy she'd been having sex with for a year or so and didn't do a whole lot else with. I didn't love that she definitely had no interest in talking about what I wanted to either. It wasn't every day that I got invited to a party, or that I even thinking thought a guy was cute, so it would have been really nice to have my friend's attention while I worked through what I was feeling. "Sure. I guess. If you want to."

"It's not like there are lots of other guys charging down my door to get with me. I know you don't think much of sex, but it's kind of a big deal to me. Be happy for me, please?" She sounded so sad now, like she needed my approval or something. She didn't, though. Not at all. She was my friend, but I stayed far outside of her love life.

"I am happy for you," I lied. Tyler didn't deserve her, but if she wanted to be with him, I wasn't going to tell her not to be. She was right: I didn't understand sex or her preoccupation with it. But that wasn't something she needed to deal with.

"Good. Thanks. Look good tonight at the party. You need a boyfriend. You won't get one looking like a slob."

I didn't want her to worry about me. It wouldn't do any good, and she couldn't do anything to help me from over there anyway. As far as she knew, I was loving tiny town life with the one street light and the movie theater that only had one screen and never had movies the day they came out. I'd looked. I'd quickly given up any hope of seeing any movies on opening night like the rest of America did. "I will. Go have fun."

"Will do. You too."

Daisy hung up on me and I stood there in the woods wishing we'd never moved here to begin with. I could be happy and maybe dating people if we hadn't, rather than crushing on some boy who had talked to me once. At the very least I'd have friends still if we hadn't moved here. I couldn't wait to leave again.

*~*~*

I got back home before my parents pulled into the gravel driveway.

"I'm going to a party tonight," I told them as soon as they got into the house.

My dad, a pharmacist, took off his white lab coat and hung it up. He shared a look with my mom, who worked at the post office in town. "Well?"

"Is your homework done?" she asked me.

It would be by the time I left. "Almost."

They headed into the kitchen and I followed them. I didn't really need their permission to stay out late. At least, I never had back in California, when I'd gone to hang out with Daisy. Not since I'd turned sixteen anyway. But for some reason, I was anxious about whether they'd say yes or not.

"Who invited you?"

"Ansel. He's a guy in my history class."

Dad pursed his lips. I hated that look so much. It meant he was worried about something. It was the whole reason he'd taken us out of a city I'd loved and brought us to this little town where I knew no one. The city was crowded and dangerous, according to him. And there was room to grow here. "Does he know you're gay?"

"Frank!" Mom sounded pissed.

"No. And I won't tell him. I don't think this is the kind of town where that would go over so well." I hadn't planned to mention it to anyone until I went to college somewhere far away from this camo loving town.

Mom looked sad, but we'd already talked about this. They'd brought me here expecting a small town life for us all but also still expecting the kind of openness and acceptance I'd had in California. And that just plain wasn't here. Maybe it was. Maybe I needed to give people more of a chance or more credit or something. But I still wasn't about to start wearing my rainbow paracord bracelet anytime soon. Back in California we'd made those bracelets in class, and plenty of us had used the rainbow paracord.

Here I figured anything but camo and safety orange would raise an eyebrow.

"I know to be careful," I promised them. I hated that I had to be. I hated that I had to hide the biggest parts of myself away like that. But I also knew it was only going to be for another year. Just one year of keeping my head down and pretending to be someone I wasn't and then I could go to college and have real friends there.

I already knew I wouldn't be making friends in Missouri. Not the kind of friends I was used to anyway. I hoped I could find some guys to go to a movie with or something, but to me a friend had always been someone I could share everything with. Someone I could tell I was queer and they'd be totally accepting of that. I'd had those friends in California. But I couldn't see that happening here.

"Well, if you're sure you'll be fine," my dad hedged.

I figured I would be. "Yeah. Totally fine."

"Okay." My mom nodded. "Do you want a ride to wherever this party is?"

I probably needed one. "Definitely. Thanks."

She rubbed my head and gave my cheek a kiss.

*~*~*

I'd kind of expected people to be drinking at the party, but not to be handed a cup of something that smelled a lot like my dad's whiskey as soon as I'd come through the door. I had alcohol in my hands as my mom was waving bye to me. I gave her an awkward wave back and then some guy I didn't know put his arm around my shoulders and hurried me inside. Someone else closed the door and then there I was, at my very first party in Missouri, with a lot of people in camo and safety orange and girls in cowboy boots and tight jeans. Country music blared from nearly every room, and before long I found myself out in the back yard with the drink still beside me as I looked up at the stars.

That was the one thing I would probably never get over in Missouri. There were stars everywhere. In California there had been too many lights and too many cities to be able to see anything but the brightest stars, and even they had been faint little trickles in the sky. Here I saw more stars than I ever had before. More than I'd ever even thought possible.

"Did you already get tired of the party? I can introduce you to people if the issue is that you don't know anyone."

I turned around to find Ansel standing behind me. He had his shirt off and even though he was around the same age as me, he already had some hair on his chest and a trail going down his stomach. I stared. I shouldn't have, but I did. And then I turned around quickly as I caught myself looking too long at him. Drooling over a cute guy with his shirt off would definitely get me noticed in all the wrong ways.

"I needed a little air," I said as I forced myself to look back at the stars.

"Me too." He came forward and plopped down next to me. "Do you like it here so far?"

I shrugged. There wasn't much I could tell him. Not that wouldn't get me judged and laughed at anyway. "It's fine."

"Where are you from?"

I wasn't sure where this sudden interest he seemed to have in me was coming from, but I wasn't exactly going to turn him away either. I wasn't used to having the cute guy notice me, much less talk to me like Ansel was doing. I liked the attention, even if it didn't mean anything. "California."

"Always wanted to go there. I hear it's a lot different than it is here."

That was an understatement for sure. "Yeah." I sighed deeply. "I don't exactly fit in here."

"Because you don't hunt?" he guessed.

That was really only the start of it. And I really wished it could be that simple. I looked over at him, and then back to the house where everyone was partying loudly, and I wanted him to be the one person I could tell the truth to. But I didn't know him or trust him and so I kept my mouth shut and I kept my secrets to myself.

"Give this place a chance. You may learn to like it," Ansel said before I could say anything.

Somehow I really doubted that, but I didn't want to be rude about what was probably his hometown, so I nodded anyway.

I wondered what Daisy was doing right then. If I'd been back in California, we would have been playing video games together probably. But here I was, trying to find something positive about a town I didn't belong in as I sat next to a seriously cute guy I had nothing in common with.

Ansel brushed his shoulder against mine. It could have been accidental. It probably was actually. But I didn't want it to be. There he was, cute during the day in class, but he was really good looking there next to me at night with his shirt off.

I licked my lips and turned away from him. I couldn't be caught staring at him. In San Francisco I would have been able to openly check a guy out. I liked guys that already had a bit of hair on them like Ansel did. I liked the fuzzy bear look. And I really liked Ansel. But he could never know how much I liked him.

*~*~*

I learned a lot about Ansel over the next few months. Or I tried to anyway. It was embarrassing to admit it, but I even knew that Ansel smelled like cheap vanilla body wash. Maybe it was his mom's or something. I'd tried really hard not to sniff him, but smelling him was inevitable when he sat right in front of me. A lot of things were apparently inevitable about that though. Like how I knew he only liked his tea a little sweet. He mixed regular tea and sweet tea together. And he drank coffee like my parents did—all the time. But only with milk, no sugar there.

I knew a lot about him, but none of the important stuff. None of the stuff that the forums I read about getting to know guys and how to start dating said I should. People on the forums talked about mentioning LGBT movies and talking about pride fests and actors that had just come out. Finding mutual interests in our shared community type of thing.

He always sat right in front of me in history class, even though we didn't have assigned seats. And he always smiled at me. I got better about smiling back at him, though it was hard to shake the feeling that I shouldn't be smiling as big as I was at him. I was constantly checking myself and wondering if I wasn't coming across as straight enough to fool all of them into believing I was something other than I was.

I was almost completely certain Ansel wasn't bi, gay, or anywhere even close to my queer community. He was just a guy. Just a regular straight guy. Who I unfortunately had a crush on. I had no idea what to do about that or how to quit liking him. Daisy hadn't been any help either. I barely spoke to her in those months. She and Tyler had gotten close and my friendship with her barely existed. I hadn't expected her to ghost me once I'd moved, but maybe I'd been the one to ghost her. We didn't talk anymore and that was my fault too.

*~*~*

Prom was right before Christmas break. I was probably the only senior not going to prom. I couldn't. My parents wanted me to, but I didn't want to go sit in a corner all night, since I definitely didn't want to dance with any girls. Not that any of them had seemed at all interested in me.

So that night I sat there in my front yard looking up at the stars. My parents were watching me from the window, probably worried about me, since my social life had tanked after moving here. I was okay and they were apparently fine leaving me alone. They'd barely made any fuss at all about me not going to prom. Most likely because I had no friends and no reason to go.

It was almost midnight and I was ready to start heading back inside to go to bed when someone pulled up in front of my house. I sat up, wondering what was going on, when Ansel got out of his truck.

"What are you doing here? And how do you know where I live?" I asked him. I didn't get up. My parents must have gone to bed at some point, because they didn't come out to check and see what was going on.

He shoved his hands into the pockets of his jacket. He had a suit on under it, so he must have gone to prom. I was curious who he had gone with, and why he wasn't with her now. "You're the new guy and it's a small town. Everyone knows where you live."

I rolled my eyes. Of course they did. Even more of a reason not come out to anyone here. "So what are you doing here?"

"Tracey Mueller wanted to have sex with me tonight."

"Uh..." I had no idea what to say to that. And I barely knew who Tracey was. I couldn't have even picked her out of a line up. She was just another girl at school. "Congrats?" Seriously. What was I supposed to say that? What did anyone say to something like that?

Ansel snorted and sat down beside me on the grass, much like we'd done at the party months before. "It's so not a congrats kind of situation here, man."

He leaned forward over his knees, and I wondered first why he was even coming to talk to me about this, since he always had friends around him, and also why he seemed so upset about some girl wanting to do him. I was sure plenty of girls did. Maybe even some guys did. I didn't, but I didn't really think about sex that much anyway.

"So...?"

He looked over at me. "Things were a lot more open in California, right? I mean, Harvey Milk was there, so things are better there for—" He shut his mouth, apparently stopping that thought completely.

But I kind of knew where he was going. Or at least, I thought he did. "Are you gay?" I kept my voice hushed. As if maybe even the trees in this tiny town would judge us badly for who we were.

He winced at the word, but then he nodded. "Yeah. I... uh... no one else knows. Okay? Like seriously, no one knows. You can't tell anyone."

I rolled my eyes. "I'm pretty much the one person in this town you don't have to worry about caring that you're into guys. I came out to my parents when I was thirteen. They don't care either."

Ansel stared at me for a long time, then he briefly kissed me. It wasn't the kind of kiss like we were dating or something. At least, I didn't think it was. It was more like the kind of kiss between friends. Like the kisses I'd seen girls give each other for years that no one cared about. They said bye to each other in the hallways, kissed, and then walked off and no one called them lesbians. Or sometimes they did, but it was more joking and a whole lot less mean. Like guys would ask if they could watch girls who acted like that. They didn't threaten to beat them up or call them horrible names.

"I've never kissed a guy before," he mumbled.

"I haven't either." I decided not to tell him it had been my first kiss ever, since it really hadn't meant anything.

"I don't want to date though."

It was sad how quick he had to add that on, as if I didn't already know. "Not in this town for sure. But maybe we can be friends? We could talk about guy stuff and gay guy stuff."

He nodded and then he tilted his head back and looked up at the stars too. "What's gay guy stuff to talk about?"

"I have no idea."

He smirked and I went silent as we both started up at the stars.

*~*~*

Having a friend I knew was also gay made living in the tiny town easier. I didn't worry so much about how everyone else saw me when I was hanging out with Ansel because everyone knew he was straight, so I automatically was too. I didn't mind hiding as much either. Not when hiding meant that if a cute guy walked by Ansel gave me a nudge so I could check him out too.

We went to get fast food a few times a week after school as he started to give me rides home, and we always stopped in this park where we would climb into the back of his truck and stretch out and eat our burgers and milkshakes.

It was February and I couldn't wait to graduate. My parents were apparently loving small town life, and they'd made lots of friends all over. But me, I only had Ansel,  and he was just as ready to get out as I was.

"I got accepted to Missouri State," I told him as I shoved french fries in my mouth.

"You only applied because I'm going there." He traded me five fries for an onion ring.

I shrugged. That had been a big part of it. I didn't mind the idea of going into college with a built in friend at all. "It's affordable too though."

"What are you going for?"

"I have no idea. I figured I'd probably just do my general classes and then see where I was going from there. I'm not really good at a whole lot."

He laughed. "I'm not either." Ansel reached over and put his arm around my shoulders. It was a rare treat for him to do that in public, and he quickly stopped touching me. No one was around to be able to see us in one of the very few times that we ever let our guards down, but we were still careful. Maybe we wouldn't be so much in college, but I figured we'd both start dating people there.

"Think we'll still hang out a lot once we're dating?" I asked. My fries were almost gone. Pretty soon he'd be done eating too. Then it would be to home and homework for me.

"Each other or other people?"

I elbowed him in the ribs. Sometimes we joked about dating each other, but that would never really happen. We were best friends. That was it. There was no reason to mess up a good thing by bringing dating into it.

"You know what I meant." I stuck my tongue out at him for good measure.

"Yeah. I knew." He took a long drink of his milkshake.

Even though I knew I'd see him tomorrow, I didn't want to say bye to him tonight. I liked our closeness. I liked that there were no expectations or complications between us. He had his friends. I had my dog. And then, most afternoons on the way home from school, we had each other. His friendship was important to me. I guess I needed to know it was important to him as well.

He took a while to speak again, but when he did, it was clearly well thought through, and I appreciated that. "We're still going to hang out all the time. We'll go to movies, go get coffee on the way to classes. We'll even go on double dates. We'll never date anyone the other one hates or anyone who treats one of us like crap. You're my best friend. You'll always come first."

I offered him my pinky. It was a stupid thing that we did sometimes, but he still twisted his pinky around mine. "Pinky promise," I said, giving his pinky a tug.

"Pinky promise," he agreed.

*~*~*

We graduated on a hot, humid day in May, and I couldn't wait to be done with school. I was counting down the days until we left for college. I waited patiently with my parents as Ansel high fived his friends and clapped them on the back. I was a little off to the side, away from all the noise and the fuss everyone was making. It was like the whole town had come out for our graduation and everyone wanted to congratulate everyone else.

Finally it was my turn. Or what felt like finally anyway. We were in the middle of a big crowd, so he offered me his hand and then, when I'd taken it, he pulled me in for a pat on my back. It was awkward compared to how we normally were, and I hated the forcedness of it, but it was what we needed to do.

"Are you free later?" he asked.

I looked to my parents. "Am I?"

My dad smiled at us both. "Ansel, why don't you come over once you're done with whatever your family has planned? There should be plenty of cake left."

"Thanks. Will do." He stepped back from us. We couldn't be close for long. All I wanted to do was hug him and run off to Springfield where we'd both be going to college. I would have left that night if I could have.

I gave him a wave. "See you later."

He waved back and then his family took him away for whatever they were planning to do. He couldn't be open with them. It might have been unfair, but I hated that he had to hide who he was even around them. It was bad enough that he couldn't be a gay guy in town, but he didn't even have the space to be gay at home.

"It'll be good for him to be away from them," my mom said. I hadn't been able to keep it from my parents when I found out Ansel was gay, and Ansel had trusted me to tell them when I said it would be alright. She was trying to be gentle, probably anyway, but I knew she cared about Ansel too, and she probably wanted to protect him just as much as I did.

*~*~*

Ansel came over around nine that night and as soon as he was in my house with the door closed, I hugged him like I'd been wanting to do all day. He hugged me back, and then he gave me one of his short kisses. Just a little peck between friends. Which led to another hug because I just wasn't ready to let him go just yet.

My mom had chocolate cake ready and my dad had popcorn and sodas for us and we'd rented a movie for us all to watch. I had some blankets and pillows spread out on the living room floor. While I was getting comfortable and my parents were picking their seats on the couch behind us, Ansel took off his jacket and sat down next to me. The snacks were on the coffee table beside us and I handed him a soda.

Which was when I saw the necklace in his hand. It was in a pretty little blue box and he was holding it out to me.

"Um...It's shiny." I didn't know what else to say.

Ansel laughed and dropped it in my lap. "Happy getting out of this town day."

I laughed too and picked the necklace up. No one had ever given me jewelry, and I was really surprised by it. "Thanks." I took it out of the box and put it on. The silver chain was cold against my skin and I kind of liked it. He'd chosen a bigger chain, which I appreciated because I hopefully wouldn't break it then. "I'm sorry I didn't get you anything."

Ansel just shrugged and kissed my cheek. "Things are going to be awesome when we're in Springfield. We're going to meet so many people and go to parties and—"

"And be responsible with ourselves and our partners," my dad chimed in, making me go bright red.

I cleared my throat and grabbed the TV remote. "On that note, let's watch the movie."

Ansel laughed again and then we were diving into soda and junk food and forgetting all about the little town outside of my house that wouldn't understand two guys lying on a blanket together or how one guy was okay to give another guy a necklace. Ansel was my best friend. That was all this was. Even as I lay on him and used his butt as a pillow, we were just friends, and I really hoped we always would be.

*~*~*

My dad had a friend at the housing department at Missouri State, and he managed to get Ansel and me a dorm room together. It took a lot of convincing, according to my dad, but once he explained that we were both gay and it wasn't just that we wanted to be near each other to party all the time, I guess that the guy came around. Either way, whatever the story really was, I was so glad to see Ansel sitting there across the dorm room from me that night when we'd finished unpacking our stuff.

He came over and joined me on my bed and put his arm around me. I leaned into him and smiled. "This whole thing is going to be awesome."

"Yeah. I can't wait to be able to tell people I'm gay. I won't have to hide it anymore."

"I'm glad you won't have to either. Neither of us will."

*~*~*

Within the first week of being on campus, Ansel joined a movie group. And by September the guy who ran the group, Derek, was pretty much always in our room.

Seeing him all over Ansel was a little awkward at first, but seeing Derek kiss him that first time, and right in front of me, that was something I was trying to get more used to. We were just friends, but I still blushed and turned away as Derek pushed himself on Ansel and lay down on top of him on his bed.

And then in November, right before Thanksgiving, I came back from my classes to find them both under the covers moaning together.

"Shit! Sorry!" I quickly yelped before leaving the room again.

I'd never really expected to walk in on Ansel having sex. I mean, I figured at some point he probably would. Especially with how Derek was constantly on him. It was like whenever Derek was around, he was always touching Ansel or kissing him and even when we were eating popcorn and watching movies together he had his hands under Ansel's shirt and stuff. I'd gotten used to seeing that much between them, but I hadn't extrapolated that living together might mean walking in on him having sex.

I headed to the food court and the coffee shop there. I wasn't bothered by them having sex, but I didn't want to watch them either. I just needed some time—and so did he apparently, though I wasn't exactly sure how much I should give them. Was half an hour enough before I went back to the room? Was an hour?

I also wasn't really sure how I was supposed to act when I saw Derek again. It had been one thing when they'd just been making out. But now that I knew they'd had sex, I was all weirded out. Somehow I kind of thought Ansel and I would have talked about this and come up with a game plan or something. But maybe it had all been too spur of the moment for that. Maybe this hadn't been planned at all.

I got some hot chocolate and pulled out my phone. I didn't really have any games that I played to pass the time so I downloaded a random color matching ball game and figured that would kill some time.

But as I sat there drinking my hot chocolate, I couldn't stop thinking about Ansel and Derek having sex. It was more than just that they'd done it. Ansel and I had talked about sex off and on. I thought the first person either of us had sex with would be someone one of us really cared about. But Ansel didn't talk about Derek like that. He barely talked about Derek at all actually. I wanted to be happy for him, but I couldn't help being a little worried too. This wasn't how I thought things would go for us at all.

I was barely in the coffee shop for ten minutes when Ansel texted me. I was almost afraid to look at the text. I wasn't sure if he'd heard me come in, and I really didn't want things to be awkward between us now.

He's gone now if you want to come back. I'm sorry.

I didn't want Ansel to be sorry for having sex with his boyfriend. I just wanted us to go back to how we had been before. He was my best friend and we'd always said that nothing was ever going to change that between us and I needed that.

Don't be sorry, was all I said.

I took the rest of my hot chocolate back with me on my short walk through the campus and back to our dorm. He hadn't texted anything back to me, but it had only been a few minutes anyway. I got there, knocked because I couldn't get my keys to work with my hot chocolate in my hand. Ansel opened the door, and then he hugged me, making me spill some of my hot chocolate on him.

"Careful!" I said, jumping back, but he just tugged me into the room with him. I sat down on my bed across from him as he sat down on his and I stared at my cup of hot chocolate in my hands. I didn't even know what to say to him now. It wasn't supposed to be a big deal that Ansel had gotten laid. I didn't know why I was making it one.

"I didn't plan that," he mumbled.

I got up from my bed and came over to sit down beside him on his. I hated that there was ever any space between us. I leaned against his shoulder and he put his arm around me. "I didn't think you had."

"He sprang it on me."

I nodded and sipped my drink. "How was it? I mean..." I shrugged. Sex was supposed to be this major thing for people, and it never really had been for me, but maybe I was still growing into the whole idea of sex and Ansel was just ahead of me.

"It was weird. Like really, really weird. And then it wasn't. And it started being good. Derek said that next time would be better and I wouldn't choke as much."

Ansel sounded embarrassed and I had no idea what he was talking about. "Choking? Why would you be choking?"

"Um...'cause I went down on him and..."

I turned bright red. "Oh."

"Yeah." He took a really deep breath and I felt it in me as well. We were both so tense and I had no idea why we even were. "Are we okay?"

"For sure." We'd always be okay, I realized then. He offered me his hand and I gave him mine.

*~*~*

After that Derek was still around all the time, but they were more careful. Or at least they tried to be. I'd come back after class when I knew Ansel should have been at his own, but his bed would be all messed up and he'd be in the shower. Or I'd be leaving to go to class and Derek would be coming in. It bothered me that Ansel was skipping class to be with Derek when he never had before. Or at least I'd never noticed him skipping class before then. I tried not to say anything. I tried to tell myself it wasn't my business. But when I saw Ansel stressing out over a final and possibly failing class because he'd barely gone, I had to say what had been on my mind for weeks.

"Will you start going to class again and stop having sex with Derek instead of studying?" I asked. We were alone in our room, for once.

Ansel looked embarrassed, and he nodded. "Derek's not gonna like it."

"I think he'll live," I said, rolling my eyes. "But you need to pass your classes and seriously, not going so that you can have sex with him? C'mon." I felt like I should have said something sooner, but part of me hadn't thought it was my business. Except that he was my best friend, so shouldn't I have told him to get his head out of his butt and treat school seriously long before this?

While I was lying there against him, Ansel took out his phone. I read the text over his shoulder. I'm failing my classes. I have to start going again. Can I see you other times?

Of course he should have been able to see Derek when he wasn't in class. I thought that was pretty stupid to ask. In the beginning Ansel certainly hadn't cut classes to be with him. That had only really been recently. Not that they'd really been going out that long anyway.

I was trying not to judge, but I'd always kind of thought that the first guy that I had sex with would be someone I'd known for at least a year. Like I thought it would be this big romance and he'd know everything about me and I'd know everything about him and he'd know my parents and everything would be like a gay Hallmark movie before we actually ended up having sex.

Derek texted Ansel back. You know I'm busy. You want to see me, this is my schedule. You said it was fine.

"What an ass," I mumbled.

"I did say I could handle skipping a few classes to see him though. I mean, boyfriends make time for each other. That's what they do. When you start dating, you'll see."

I sat up in a hurry. "Is Derek making time for you too then? Is he giving up time with his friends? Or not going to classes to be with you?"

Ansel blinked up at me, and I thought he was going to argue with me, but then he just tossed his phone aside. "I suck at this whole dating thing. And now I suck at college. And I apparently still suck at sucking too. At least according to him."

"He's a dipshit. Seriously. Study, go to all your classes, and talk to your professors. Maybe some of them will give you a break. Don't tell that you were off having sex with your jerk of a boyfriend and that's why you didn't come to class. If you want to use me as an excuse and say I was having some kind of breakdown go for it. Or have a sick grandmother or something. But get it together. Don't fail out of college. Please."

He grabbed me in a hug and I held on tightly to him. Things didn't need to be this complicated between us. We would always be good. I was sure of it.

*~*~*

Derek was done and out of our lives after that, and Ansel started making better grades. He barely passed the semester, but he still passed and not even his pissy parents could get upset at him for that.

When winter break came around, I was glad to be going home to see my parents. But I could tell he wasn't.

"You could come over and spend some of Christmas with us if you wanted. My mom got you a rainbow stocking too."

Ansel shrugged. "Maybe. I dunno how all this is going to go. I keep thinking that I might come out to them on this trip. And then I keep thinking that I won't do that to my family over Christmas. And they do pay for college. If they cut me off, I'd have nothing."

He wouldn't ever have nothing. "You'd still have me. And my parents like you a lot."

Ansel took my hand and I kissed him on his cheek. "Are you going to start being my sugar daddy and paying my bills for me though?"

I really wished I could have done that for him, but I was living off of my parents too, and I knew they couldn't afford to cover his college as well. I shook my head and I hated not being able to give him something I knew he really wanted.

*~*~*

Our parents both came to pick us up, even though mine had offered to bring Ansel back home with us. I watched him go shake hands with his dad and kiss his mom on the cheek, and I wished he could have the life I did. His parents didn't know he'd had his first boyfriend and his first breakup all in one semester. Or that he'd had to kick butt and study all night for tests just to make up his grades because of that same boyfriend. I was turned around in the back seat looking back at Ansel and his parents as they got into his father's car and my parents drove me away.

"So how are things?" my dad asked me.

I shrugged. I didn't turn around. I could still see Ansel.

"Anything interesting happening back there? Aliens invading or something?" my mom tried.

I turned around and looked at them both. I couldn't really see Ansel anymore anyway. "I'm worried about him."

"How come?" I was glad my parents didn't feel the need to ask which him I meant. There was only one guy in my life that I really cared about besides my dad.

I sighed and leaned forward. I wished he was there in the car with us instead of stuck with his parents. "It's hard on him to not come out. You should have seen him at school. He's happy there. He's out and he has friends and he had a boyfriend for a bit there." They knew about Derek, or at least the basics of him, but not all the details. "And now he has to go back to pretending to be a small town straight kid who likes nothing more than hunting, trucks, and country music. He doesn't even listen to country music when he's not with them."

My mom turned around in her seat. "Jonah, honey, do you have feelings for Ansel?"

"Well, yeah. He's my best friend. Of course I have feelings for him." I wasn't really sure what she was getting at or what that had to do with anything. "But it's not like I'm in love with him or anything. We're not like that at all. Like, even when he was having sex all the time it wasn't like I was jealous or anything like that. I was more annoyed at him."

My dad nearly missed our turn. "Back up. Ansel was having sex? Is he using protection?"

"I don't know. I didn't exactly ask." I wasn't having sex with him, so him using condoms really wasn't my business. I sat back hard against the seat. "It's all just kind of a mess. He needs them, but they don't know anything about him. Like they don't know what a great guy he is or how funny he is or how he's always there for his friends. Or at least for me. They don't know his favorite movie or anything like that. They know who he pretends to be, and that's it and it's freaking sad as hell because he's totally great and he's so scared to come out to them."

My mom patted me on my knee. "I know, sweetie. And I know you care a lot about him. But sometimes these things take time to work out. He'll always have a place with us though."

"He won't come out until he no longer needs them to pay for college." Which meant another four years of him lying to them and pretending to be someone he wasn't all so he could continue to keep going to college and eventually get a degree and get out of the tiny town we both lived in.

*~*~*

On Christmas morning I sent Ansel a text. Merry Christmas. Hope Santa brought you something fun.

I wanted to say a lot more to him. I wanted to tell him how much I missed him, but I didn't want to risk his parents finding his phone and reading the text. He'd deleted every single text before they had come to get him. He was careful and paranoid. And there I was on Christmas morning wearing a pride shirt and rainbow socks while watching a movie about two gay guys who were falling in love while planning a wedding together for their sisters.

Missing him on Christmas was hard though. I wanted to see him, but his family wanted him with his family only. I kept touching the necklace he'd given me. I rarely ever took it off.

He sent me a selfie just before I went to bed. It was him and some girl I didn't recognize. She was in a red sexy Mrs. Clause outfit and had her arms around him. She was even kissing his cheek. They set me up on a date. :(, he wrote.

I wanted to say so much. I wanted to go over there and grab him and take him away from them and away from everything they stood for and were. And I wanted to bring him back to my house where I was welcomed for being me and so was he and he was loved there. His parents might have thought they loved him but they didn't even know him and I hated that so much.

She's pretty, I wrote back. She was too. I wasn't being petty or mean about it. I really had nothing against her. I just felt bad for him and wanted to go rescue him from a life where he had to pretend the whole time.

He didn't say anything back to me after that. I didn't really expect him to. He was probably busy and I didn't have anything good to add that would help him out of that situation. I wished I did, but I couldn't fix his parents for him. I could only be there for him when we were back at college and he was free to be himself again.

*~*~*

That first day back on campus we laid next to each other on my bed the whole day. Sometimes we held hands. Sometimes we napped. Mostly it was just good to be together again. I think maybe we just missed being two gay best friends who could cuddle on a bed with it meaning nothing more than we really liked each other.

I enjoyed lying there next to him. I liked touching him too. I didn't think about the sex really, except in terms of how much I didn't really want to have it. That was pretty much all I wanted in a relationship. Even if I'd wanted to go to the aquarium or to a movie, I would have asked Ansel before any other guy. He knew how much I liked petting the stingrays or how much I hated when people got crunchy food at the theater and I couldn't hear because of all the crunching. He didn't get mad at me for the hours I could spend sitting with the sharks either. He did that with me.

"Are you going to date anyone this semester?" I asked him as we sat on my bed eating microwave noodles out of plastic bowls.

He shrugged. "Maybe. If someone comes along. Are you going to stop being a virgin this semester?"

I knew he was teasing and I rolled my eyes. "When pigs fly maybe. It's not that high on my list of priorities."

"Good. Get to know the guy first. Or something. That's what I should have done anyway."

We hadn't really talked about Derek much after their break up. "Do you ever regret your relationship with him?"

It took a long time, but Ansel eventually nodded. "He was cute and fun and he liked the same movies I did. But when it came to the actual relationship part? The sex and the rest of it? I think I would have liked it more if we'd gone slower. If I'd gotten to like something and really get into it before that was no longer enough and we had to do more."

"I wish you'd told me that," I quietly said. "Any of it. I would have tried to do something. I would have tried to save you."

He put his arm around my shoulder and kissed my temple. "I know you would have. But you can't always save me. I'm gonna do stupid shit sometimes, especially where guys are concerned. So are you someday and maybe I'll be able to save you from yourself and maybe I won't. I'll try really hard though."

I smiled at him. "Thanks."

I kissed him then. We hadn't kissed since he'd started dating Derek. It hadn't felt right to. But now that he was single again, I kissed him like we'd been doing for a long time. Just like we'd done that first time. I kissed him and it was okay because we were just friends and that was all it meant. And he kissed me too and then he ruffled my hair.

*~*~*

My first semester I'd just been trying to get through school and figure things out but by my second semester I figured I had a pretty good handle on all of it and I didn't need to worry so much about studying every chance I got. So I joined the cooking club. It was more like the baking club but that was okay with me. I knew I liked sweets but not really how to make anything and it got me out of the dorm on the nights when Ansel still went to movie club.

He liked movies and they went to a ton of them and watched them and discussed them. Sometimes I went with them but sitting around finding the deeper meaning in a look between the admiral and some other guy wasn't really my thing. I liked superheroes and I liked sweet romances and they watched a lot of war movies. He liked it, despite Derek still running the club, so I was glad for him.

The first thing I learned how to bake were peanut butter cookies that only had three ingredients and at that point I was in love because the next thing was peanut butter fudge with just four ingredients. I hadn't realized how much I really liked peanut butter until that point but there I was bringing bags of cookies back to Ansel.

I wasn't all that surprised to see Ansel with friends in the room when I got back. I'd gotten used to seeing Derek there all the time after all. I didn't know two of the guys standing around our room, but I was not excited at all to see Derek sitting on my bed.

"Are you dating him again?" I asked Ansel. It was the first thing I said to him. I didn't care that I was being rude. I didn't care that Derek was glaring at me. He'd nearly ruined Ansel's chance at passing his classes last semester.

Maybe Ansel should have been mad at me for being rude. But he just smiled at me and gave me a quick hug. "Never."

I held onto his shirt as I shared the cookies I'd made with him. "Good. Here you go. I made these at the cooking club."

"Nice." He kissed my cheek and put them in our little makeshift kitchen, leaving me momentarily alone with two guys I didn't know, and one I'd rather not have seen again.

"Hi. I'm Jonah," I said to the two guys.

The closest one to me stepped up and offered me his hand. "Tom and my brother Steven. I'm a junior."

"Senior," the other guy spoke up.

I nodded then looked back to Ansel. He was hinting at Tom, nodding at him where only I could see. I had no idea what he was doing.

"Ansel says you like movies too," Tom said, bringing my attention back to him. "We're all going out tonight. Want to come along?"

He was still holding my hand and now I got it. "Is Ansel trying to set us up?"

Ansel grabbed me in a hug from behind, separating Tom and I. "Just come to the movies for starters," Ansel said.

I rolled my eyes, but at least with me there I could make sure Derek didn't try anything. Ansel was a great guy and he deserved far better than whatever Derek thought he could offer him. He'd had his chance, and he'd blown it.

"Sure. I'll come to the movies."

Ansel gave me a big squeeze and I was glad he was happy I was going. Really, he was the only one I cared about being happy right there at all.

Tom sat next to me at the theater. Ansel was on my other side. Derek, the jerk, as I was starting to call him in my head, was on his other side.

"What kind of movies do you like?" Tom asked me while the previews were going.

"Just... movies I guess. I like Marvel." I shrugged and went back to watching the previews. There were a few things coming up that I thought might look good and a few action movies, one with giant robots, that I definitely wanted to see.

I saw Tom look at Ansel, and then Ansel shrugged. I pursed my lips.

"What am I missing?" I grumbled at Ansel.

"He likes you," Ansel hinted, pushing me at Tom.

I looked to Tom and he was blushing as he gave me a little nod. "Sorry, but yeah, I do. And I didn't know how to talk to you or even get to know you. I mean, I knew you were Ansel's friend, but the way he talks about you and the way I saw you two when you were together, we all kind of thought you two were dating."

"Oh. So..." I really had no idea what to say. "Hi."

He smiled at me. "Hey."

"Movie's starting," Ansel said, interrupting our moment of awkwardness. I was really glad for that.

Sometime during the movie, Tom reached over and took my hand. I didn't make him let me go. I didn't really mind him touching me either. I'd held hands with Ansel tons of times but this felt kind of different. It was like, Ansel wanted me around for one reason, but Tom wanted me for a completely different reason. Maybe he thought I was cute. Whatever it was, I wasn't all that interested in pulling away from him.

When the movie was over, Tom was still holding my hand and Ansel was kissing Steven. I stared at them both and they didn't stop kissing, not even when Tom cleared his throat.

"Derek's gone," I told Tom as I sat back, watching the credits and waiting for Ansel to decide that Steven's face wasn't delicious or something.

Tom smirked. "He probably got pissed when Ansel chose Steven over him. Ansel is making a better choice this time. Derek goes through guys like crazy but he hates when they turn him down."

I rolled my eyes and wished Ansel had never met him. But apparently Steven was better and maybe Tom could be someone to have fun with sometimes so there was that. Maybe some good would come out of Ansel joining the movie club after all.

When we got back to the dorms, I found out that Steven and Tom lived just one floor above us which was nice, I guessed. Ansel apparently thought it was. He kept saying so anyway.

It was good to be alone with him again as soon as Tom and Steven had left us. Ansel was all smiles and big, swollen lips.

"You like him," I teased.

Ansel grinned. "Yeah. I do. Is Tom okay? I know you probably don't want a boyfriend right now, but maybe you could use another friend or something."

"I wouldn't mind a boyfriend," I quietly confided in him, making him stop to be able to stare at me. "I was hoping to be more social this semester anyway."

Ansel rushed over and gave me a big hug. "Good for you. Be social. If you ever want to go out on a double date or something, let me know. It'll be kind of funny that we're best friends dating two brothers. And if you ever need some lube or condoms, I've got plenty."

I rolled my eyes and pushed him away. "Ew. No. Just stop right there. Just because I might like Tom does not mean that I'm going to be doing him anytime soon. Or ever."

"That's what I said about Derek. Believe me, that kind of mentality doesn't last long when you're going hard under the covers and all you can think about is getting laid."

I didn't have the faintest idea of what he was talking about. "Doubt it. But I guess we'll see."

He gave me another hug then went to the fridge to eat some of the cookies I'd brought back for us. It was late, I was tired, but I was also kind of excited. I might have just had my first real date. I wasn't totally sure. It wasn't like he'd picked me up and we'd gone to dinner and a movie and he hadn't brought me flowers and chocolate or anything like that. But we had held hands for most of the movie and he had kissed me.

*~*~*

Ansel started hanging out with Steven a lot after that. And, when he and Steven were together, Tom would usually come hang out in the room with me. I was studying, usually, but he brought me hot chocolate and spiced cider and he always had a movie with him if I wanted to watch it, which I usually did.

I liked hanging out with him. I liked that he made me laugh and I liked that he seemed to really enjoy kissing me. There came a point, about a month into our relationship that he started going for my pants. I would usually squirm away, if I could do it unobtrusively. But he was starting to notice. He was started to lay on top of me while we were kissing and he would rub against me. At first it didn't bug me. I didn't exactly want it, but I didn't mind it either. Then he opened his pants up and put my hands into his underwear.

He kissed me harder while he had my hands there. He squeezed my fingers over him and he ground against my palms and after a few minutes, he came.

"Sorry," he said as he sat back on his heels. "Next time we'll do you too. Unless you want to now?"

I shook my head. "I'm uh...I'm good. Thanks."

He smiled at me and ran his hands over my thighs. "You look a little freaked out. Ansel said you were a virgin, but damn. I didn't think you were that much of one."

I barely had time to process that Ansel was telling people about my lack of a sex life before Tom was going for my pants. He grabbed me through my jeans, then he was frowning and pulling back from me.

"You're not even hard." He said it like it was some horrible thing I'd done wrong. Like there might have been something actually wrong with me too.

"Maybe I will be next time," I mumbled. I didn't really know. I hadn't enjoyed it this time, and I wasn't sure I really would next time either. I wasn't grossed out by it. Not really. But I didn't like the cleanup, or the experience, or just any of it really. I'd rather not have done it at all, but I didn't exactly know how to stop it either. Besides, sex just kind of came with dating guys, so there was that too.

He shrugged and pulled back. "Yeah. Maybe." He got off the bed and completely off of me. "So I'll see you later." He normally kissed me goodbye. This time he didn't. I was still lying there on my bed with my shirt pushed up from where he'd been touching me when we'd been kissing, and I had his come on my hands and he'd just left me like that. Like he couldn't wait to be away from me. Like I'd screwed up so badly by not being hard that he didn't want to be around me for even another second.

I was trying hard not to cry as I got up carefully so that I didn't touch anything with my gross hands. I washed my hands and then I washed them again just to be sure. Then I sat down on my bed and I couldn't really do anything since I was so focused on how much I'd screwed up. Maybe my head wasn't in it. Or maybe I just didn't know what I was missing or something like that. I came up with a dozen different ways that it was my fault.

I got my phone and searched for gay porn. I'd never been interested in going and looking at porn before. It was something that Ansel teased me about occasionally, though not so much anymore. And I played something that looked like it might have been interesting. Two guys having sex in the woods. It could have been just my thing. Only I started the video and I undid my pants and... nothing. I didn't get hard. I touched myself and nothing really happened. I grabbed myself and stroked it and it didn't feel great. It didn't even feel good. It was weird, and I didn't see the point of it at all. I quickly stopped and put myself away.

I was embarrassed for my failed attempt at getting hard, both now and before with Tom. And I was ashamed of it too. It felt like there had to be something wrong with me. The first time any guy had ever grabbed me there and I hadn't enjoyed it at all and I didn't know what to do about that.

I'm sorry, I messaged Tom. I saw that he'd read the message, but he didn't answer me right away. An hour later he still hadn't replied and I was pretty sure he was pissed at me.

*~*~*

By the time Ansel got back that evening, I was such a mess. I'd been crying on and off for hours and I had no idea why I was so screwed up. Sex seemed to be something everyone enjoyed and yet there I was, definitely not normal because I hadn't liked it at all. I liked kissing. I really did. And hugging and cuddling but that was it. I didn't want Tom's hands under my shirt and I didn't want him touching my junk. And I didn't want to touch his either.

"Uh. So Tom told us what happened," Ansel started off saying. "He was worried. Asked me if there was something wrong with you or if something happened to you that I knew about. I don't know of anything." He sat down beside me on my bed and took my hand. "But if there was something, you know you could tell me, right? Like if someone hurt you... if someone did something to you. You could tell me. I'd listen. You know I would."

"Nothing like that has ever happened to me," I slowly told him. It was the truth. And if someone had ever even tried that with me, I would have told him about it. And he probably would have beaten them up for me.

I sighed and pulled my knees up to my chest. I felt better rocking myself than I did just sitting there. "Did you ever not like sex with Derek?"

Ansel groaned, which I wasn't expecting. "God, all the damn time at first. And even some after that. Like, he went just too damn fast for me. And that's why I told Tom to be so freaking slow with you because I didn't want you going through that too. Did he just go too fast for you? I mean, it's been a while, so I kind of thought he wasn't rushing you, but if he was just tell him to slow down again. He'll probably do it."

I stopped rocking and turned my head to the side to really look at him. "You sound like you talk about me and sex a lot with other people."

He smiled at me. "Yeah. Because I want you to like it. Look, Derek, he wasn't great. He rushed me. He did stuff I didn't like. And sometimes I didn't really want to have sex with him but then I did because he made me feel bad about saying no and crap like that. So I wanted you to have a better first experience."

He kissed my cheek and ruffled my hair and then he was gone, getting up from my bed and back on his phone where he was texting someone.

"Thanks for the talk." I'd wished that he'd given me more. I wanted time with him again. I missed him and how we used to be back in the bed of his truck before either of us had started dating.

"Of course. I texted Steven, who is going to tell Tom you're okay, and hey, things should work out again."

I really wanted him to stop talking about me behind my back, especially for really serious stuff like this. Like, what if something had been done to me? Then what? He'd go tell everyone we knew that I'd been raped or something? I didn't want to think about that, but I was slowly beginning to realize that Ansel wasn't keeping secrets from his boyfriend, and I had to be careful about what I was saying to him. I'd never had to think about that before and I didn't like thinking about it now.

"Do you want to do something this weekend? Just us?" I asked him. We hadn't done anything for just us for a long time. Since before he'd started dating Steven and I'd started dating Tom.

He pursed his lips and looked at his phone. "I promised Steven I'd hang out with him. Sorry. But you could come with us to do something probably."

That wasn't really what I'd been wanting though. "That's okay. Thanks though. Another time maybe."

"Yeah. Another time would be good."

*~*~*

Tom took me out to a movie. It didn't matter to me that it was some remake of a foreign film and that there were no car chases or explosions in it. I was just glad to be going out on a date with him where he didn't expect sex from me and we could just hang out together.

Only it was probably about ten minutes into the movie when he unzipped his pants and brought my hand into his underwear. He kissed my cheek and then my neck and I touched him.

"You're so good at this," he whispered to me. And it may have been stupid, but I liked that he thought I was good at something that had to do with sex. I'd pretty much failed at it all in every other way but here he was telling me I was good at this one thing. And maybe that would be enough. Maybe he'd be satisfied with just this and we'd be okay.

Sex seemed like such a huge thing in relationships and I wanted this one to work. I wanted things to be okay and it seemed liked me not being good at sex, and not wanting it really, was something that could be a major problem for us and would be for any other guy I dated. I didn't want that. I wanted to be normal and to have a normal relationship with a guy I liked.

Tom came over my hand and then I pulled away.

"Eat it," he whispered. He was watching me closely, like it was really important to him that I try it, so I did.

And I hated it. The texture was weird. The taste was awful and way too strong. I had no idea how anyone could like it. I tried not to let him see how grossed out I was but maybe he could anyway because he sighed loudly.

"Just go wash your hand off then."

"I'm sorry," I mumbled. I'd failed again. And worse, this time I'd been really grossed out by what he'd asked me to do.

He shrugged and turned away from me. He was already back to watching the movie as I was walking away. I went into the bathroom and washed my hands a few times. Then I texted Ansel. I needed reassurance and Tom didn't seem like he was going to give that to me. So I lifted myself onto the counter and texted my best friend, who knew these things because he liked sex and had plenty of it so I figured he had all the answers.

How do you get used to the taste of come? I texted him.

His answer only took a few minutes. You just do. Swallowing it is a lot easier than drinking it off something.

Thanks. Like all things with sex, it seemed, this was just one of them where I had to do it often enough and then I'd get better at it or used to it or something.

I was about to head back into the movie theater when Tom came into the bathroom to check on me. "There you are."

"I was about to go back."

He leaned against the wall. "Did you want to see the rest of the movie?"

I wanted to finish my date with him. "Yeah."

He pulled out his wallet and gave me a twenty. "Here's cab money for you then so you can get back to the dorms."

I took the money and stared at my hands for a long time. "You don't want to see the movie anymore?"

"No. You ruined it for me. Maybe I'll go see it with Steven and Ansel later. Look, whatever's going on with you, whatever's wrong with you, you've gotta be better about the sex stuff. No guy is going to want to date you when you can't even eat come without looking like you want to puke."

His words hurt me more than I probably should have let them. I wanted to try again though. I didn't fail. That was one of my big things. I didn't fail classes or tests and I didn't fail on sex either. I looked over at him and hoped I didn't look like I was going to cry even though I felt like I was about to.

"Can we try again?" I was pretty sure we both knew I was asking him not to break up with me in the bathroom of a movie theater.

He shrugged like it didn't matter to him one way or another what we did. And that hurt too. But I was determined as I took his hand and brought him to the disabled stall.

*~*~*

"Was that any better for you?" Tom didn't sound like he really cared. Like there was no hope there in his voice. He wasn't expecting me to say sex had magically become good for me.

I shook my head. "So we're over now, right?"

"Definitely." He walked away from me.

I rubbed at my eyes. And then I hid in that bathroom for hours.

I didn't want to go back to my empty dorm room, so I snuck into an action movie. And then I went into a horror movie. By the time they were closing I'd seen most of the movies the theater had to offer. I'd missed my classes for the day, but I didn't really care about that.

It was almost midnight when the cab Tom had paid for brought me back to the dorm. I hadn't eaten much today, so I was starving, and it was good to see Ansel sleeping there as I came in as quietly as I could and made myself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

I sat down on my bed and ate my meal and pretended everything was okay and that my first boyfriend hadn't left me because I didn't like anything to do with sex. Or that I'd never find another boyfriend ever because everyone put such a high value on sex and I was screwed in that department. Pretending only lasted so long though. By the time I went to sleep I was miserable again and trying not to cry so I didn't wake Ansel up.

*~*~*

I woke up late the next morning, but I woke up to a text from Ansel so that made rushing to my first class a little easier.

Hey. Where were you all day yesterday?

Ansel would be in class right now ,so I knew he wouldn't respond back right away. Tom and I broke up. I stayed at the theater and watched as many movies as possible. They didn't throw me out. At least I was good at sneaking into movies. That was something.

I didn't look at my phone again and ended up getting to my first class two minutes late. Three minutes was the cut off for not being counted as attending. Which would have screwed up my grade. But I was only two minutes late and the professor gave me a look which didn't really matter. I got the warning well enough. That's why I'd run the last few hundred feet to class.

When I got out of class there was a text from Ansel. Tom told Steven and he told me too. Sorry it didn't work out. Maybe you'll like sex with the next guy more.

I rolled my eyes. I'm pretty much done with dating. And with trying to have sex with anyone. At least there would be no one else to talk about my sex life like it wasn't some highly personal matter that shouldn't be shared with everyone.

You can't be alone forever.

I won't be. I've got you.

Haha.

I hadn't been joking. Ansel was my best friend. There was no reason, in my mind, that ever needed to change.

*~*~*

When summer break came around, I was so happy to be done with my first year of classes, but I could tell Ansel didn't want to leave. Or rather, he didn't want to leave Steven. He'd been with Steven for three days non-stop before coming back to the dorm room.

"You have bite marks on your neck," I said as I was finishing up packing. "How are you going to explain them?"

"I'm going to tell my parents my boyfriend likes to bite me during sex."

I stopped packing and stared up at him. "Huh?"

Ansel gave me the biggest grin I'd ever seen. "I'm going to come out to them. Right away. Maybe even on the ride home. Maybe even while we're still on campus. Screw it. I'm done hiding. And if they cut off my college funds then I'm going to get a job. I'll get a scholarship. Something. And I won't be able to afford the dorms then, but Steven said he and Tom and I, we could get an apartment together. I was going to ask you if you wanted to come live with us, but I figured after Tom and you broke up you wouldn't want to, and he and Steven are kind of a package deal so..."

So what he was saying was that I was pretty much losing my best friend. It would be the three of them now, and I wasn't welcome in that circle.

I forced my biggest smile and got off the bed to hug him. "I'm so happy for you. That's gonna be so great. I'm really proud of you."

"You're not mad? I'm kind of springing this whole thing on you. But we'll still hang out."

He didn't seem to consider how we hadn't hung out, just the two of us, in a long time. "Of course we will. And I'm not mad at all. It's awesome. If you need anything this summer, let me know. Seriously. And we can do stuff over the summer."

"Yeah. For sure. It'll be fun."

I hugged him. I tried not to think it would be for the last time.

*~*~*

When his parents came to pick him up I was already in the car with mine. I turned back around and stared straight ahead. "Ansel is coming out to his parents this summer," I said.

"That's so great," my dad said. "Hey, is anything going on with you two? You haven't talked about him much when you've called us. Did you two have a fight or something?"

I shook my head but couldn't make myself say anything out loud. Maybe it would be easier if we had had a fight. Maybe then it wouldn't hurt so much to feel like I was losing him. I could almost see it like I was a fortune teller or something.

"What about that Tom guy you said you liked? What's happening there?" My mom sounded like she was trying to change the topic, maybe even cheer me up, but it wasn't really working. Not when my issues with Tom were even more depressing than the ones with Ansel. But my mom wanted me to say something. She was expecting that from me. And I'd never been one to lie to them and I wasn't about to start now.

"Tom and I broke up."

I saw my dad frown in the rearview mirror. "Jonah, I hadn't realized you two were dating. It seems like there's a lot going on with you right now. Do you want to come home for a while? Maybe do this next year at a community college? Or online maybe?"

I wanted to say no, to tough it out at college in Springfield and my tiny town was just so absolutely tiny. But I didn't want to be around Ansel right then, and I didn't want to see Tom anymore and to know I was the whole reason my very first boyfriend and dumped me. I was done with all of that, and I didn't want to keep forcing it anymore.

"I'm not sure yet. But maybe I'll do a semester online."

I couldn't help but notice just how relieved my parents looked.

"Just one. I'm not quitting school and I'm not moving back in permanently. I just..." I sighed. I really didn't want to get into this with them. I was too ashamed to tell them just how awful I was at dating and friendships and all the rest of it. "Some time away might be nice."

My parents were quiet for a while, but I knew it wouldn't last. We'd always been really close. Up until this last semester.

"Is there anything you want to tell us?" my mom asked when we were nearly home. "Anything we should know?"

I shook my head. I thought about asking them if sex was really as important to everyone else as everyone made it out to be, but I was worried they'd tell me what everyone else did, and what I already knew. I was doomed to live alone and be alone forever and then to die alone. Or I could suck it up and try dating again. Try having sex again. I didn't want to be alone forever. I didn't even want to be alone right now.

*~*~*

I got the text I was both dreading and expecting from Ansel around nine that night. My parents kicked me out. They took away my truck and they've stopped paying for my school.

Want us to come get you? My parents were getting ready for bed, but I knew they would jump up and go rush to help him the moment he asked for it.

Steven and Tom are coming to get me. Thanks though.

I told myself it was normal for him to go to his boyfriend for help over his best friend, if that was even what I was anymore.

*~*~*

I didn't hear from Ansel much after that. Sometimes he'd send me a text to say hi or something, but it wasn't like how we were before. Not by a long shot. And then, in August, right before school was supposed to start back up again, I realized I hadn't heard from him in weeks. I hadn't noticed, and I hadn't missed him either. It was like he'd simply disappeared out of my life, and more than that, I seemed to be fine with it. Realizing that made me sad about how our friendship had ended all over again, but it was still better than if we'd had a fight or something. Maybe. I wasn't sure. I missed the finality of it, but also I just missed him. I missed the afternoons in his truck, or that first day we'd spent on campus where we'd shared my bed and just laid there together. I missed that side of him. Before he'd ever joined the movie club. Before he'd ever started dating anyone and it had just been the two of us there together, best friends against the world.

*~*~*

I joined an online forum. I was on the computer all the time anyway since I'd signed up for four classes online that fall semester, so I was constantly reading about something or writing short essays, or answering questions about something or other. But the people in the Marvel forum I was part of, they became my friends.

I still missed Ansel every day. There was a movie I really wished I could have seen with him, and my parents even suggested that I invite him to it, but we were so far past the point of texts and inviting each other out by then.

Instead I'd started seeing this other guy. His name was Charlie, and he was a few years older than me. More like ten. For once, I didn't tell my parents. I knew they wouldn't be okay with it. So when Charlie picked me up, I told them he was twenty-four, which still made them frown. Charlie went along with it too. He took my hand and he smiled at me and he promised my parents he'd have me home by midnight.

The movie was at six so I figured we'd have dinner before since it was only four when he picked me up, but he took me back to his apartment where I stood awkwardly against the wall while he started smoking pot.

"Want some?" he asked, offering me the joint.

I shook my head. "I didn't know you smoked." I didn't know a whole lot about him at all actually. He liked Marvel movies like me and he lived in Springfield. That was good enough for me.

"It's no big deal. Just gets me loose. You know?"

I had no idea.

He came over and started kissing me. Even though I liked kissing guys, the taste in his mouth was awful. He sat me down on the couch and kept kissing me. I tried to ignore the taste of him, but it was hard to do, especially when I couldn't distract myself with anything.

I was gagging as he pulled away from me and then he had my shirt up. I knew better than to let him reach for my pants, so when he started to, I went for his pants instead. He held my head as I took him into my mouth, and when he came, I swallowed as quickly as I could to avoid that taste as well.

He went for my pants again though, but I pulled back. "I...uh..." I didn't have a good explanation for why I didn't want him to do anything to me. "I like to give," I said lamely.

"Nice." He kissed me again, a bit rougher this time. He kept kissing me and then he turned me around.

*~*~*

It was almost Christmas before I heard from Ansel again. I was surprised to hear anything from him at all, and at first I didn't know if I wanted to open the text at all. But in the end I did open it and I did read it. Because I did still care about him. As much as I'd tried not to. As much as I didn't want to. I still missed him.

Can I see you over Christmas break?

It was a simple request, but definitely not one I was expecting from him. I'm living with my parents. I'm taking online classes. You can see me whenever. I was going to leave it at that because, really, that was enough. But I had to add more. He'd been my best friend. I wanted to tell him more. I missed you.

I missed you too. I was such an ass. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry too.

*~*~*

Ansel was going to stay with us for the last half of December and through the first week of January. A full three weeks with him. I had no idea what to expect when I borrowed my mom's car and picked him up from the airport, but he was still Ansel. He had a beard now and his arms were covered in thick hair and he was still a mountain compared to me. But none of the past few months mattered at all when he hugged me, lifting me off the ground. I clung to him harder than I ever held onto Charlie. He held me there with my feet in the air and I dug my fingers in his thick hair and for a few moments we were back in high school and back to being best friends again.

Then he put me down and he took my hand and I led him from the airport. "I'm glad you texted," I said as we got into my mom's car.

"I am too." He smiled at me, but it wasn't the smile he'd had as a teenager. A lot had happened since then and his smile showed some wear and sadness to it now.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

He snorted. "What isn't?"

I drove us toward my parents' house and stopped for ice cream at the same place we'd stopped at so often as teenagers on the way back from school. I didn't have a flatbed truck like he used to, but I did have a back seat and we sat back there with our knees touching and ate our ice cream. He took up most of the back seat and I wished I knew how to get us back to before everything had gotten so messed up.

"Tell me about what's going on with you," he said.

We weren't best friends anymore but he was staying with us for three weeks and I didn't know how much to tell him or even where to start. "I'm dating a guy. Charlie. My parents think he's twenty-four."

Ansel gave me a sly grin. "How old is he really?"

"Thirty-one."

"Do you love him?"

I shook my head. "I like him. But I don't love him."

Ansel went silent for a moment as he ate his ice cream. "I cheated on Steven."

I would have never expected him to say that. "Why? I thought you liked him."

"I did. But then I was mad at him for something, and he didn't see the point of why I was mad, and I wanted to hurt him. So I did it. And it was stupid. And I screwed up."

"Because Steven got mad and left you?" I guessed.

Ansel scrunched up his nose. "No, but that would have been a lot easier if he had. The whole truth? Tom was saying crap about you, and Steven was agreeing with him and saying that if I was ever bad in the sack like you were, he'd drop me too, so I told him that he wasn't that great either and he told me to go find better. So I did. I went to this sex shop in Springfield, and I hooked up with a guy in one of their viewing rooms. I feel like crap for doing that. I'm such an asshole."

I stared at him for a long time. Then I was crawling across the seat and hugging him. I clung to him as tightly as I could. "It's okay. You're not an asshole. It was just a mistake." We hadn't spoken in months but when I held him it was like no time had passed at all. It was just him and me and I was clinging to him.

"Someone could see us," he warned me.

"That someone could either not care or they could go to hell if they do," I argued. He hugged me tighter after that.

I'd had plans that night with Charlie, but I cancelled them. I sent him a text. He didn't text me back.

When I got Ansel home, we didn't talk about how I was lying to my parents about Charlie's age. Instead there were hugs and my mom kept commenting on how tall he was. And I kept holding his hand. It was like I couldn't seem to let him go.

We only had the couch and that's where he was supposed to have slept that night, but he made his way to my room around midnight. He was nearly silent as he crawled into bed with me and wrapped his arms around me.

"Do you like sex any more now that you're with Charlie than you did before when you were with Tom?" he whispered.

"I hate it. I only do it to keep Charlie around, and I never get hard or anything. Why?"

He went quiet and gave me a big hug. I didn't know why he was asking, and maybe it didn't really matter. We went to sleep, and he was out of my room by the time I woke up, so my parents never knew we'd spent the night together with him holding me for hours.

*~*~*

My parents loved having Ansel around. He cleaned up after himself, he didn't stay up late and he helped cook. I knew how to bake a few types of cookies from when I was in the cooking club, but I'd never realized he knew how to cook. It was like having my own chef as he made us Thai curries and butternut squash lasagna and a dozen other things I barely heard what they were because I was inhaling them too quickly.

"I didn't know you could cook like that," I said as we laid out in the grass behind the house one evening. We were cold, because it was December after all, but being outside with him felt good and I was just barely warm enough with him there beside me to share heat with.

He laughed and took my hand. I wished I didn't have gloves on so that I could actually touch him. "I learned from my mom. She used to buy tons of cookbooks and go through them to find recipes she wanted to try. My dad was always too busy to help make dinner so I helped her and we made something new at least a few times a week."

I knew he probably loved them a lot. I was sure he did, and I couldn't imagine not having my parents in my life anymore. "Do you ever want to go back to them?"

"And say what? Hey, Mom, Dad, I'm still gay so I guess you still hate me but no worries, it's cool, I'm still the fuck up you thought I'd turn out to be. No thanks."

He sounded bitter, and pissed off. I turned onto my side so that I could see him better but he wasn't looking at me. He was staring up at the stars and I saw tears forming in his eyes. He tried to blink them away but there they were anyway, just waiting to fall. "You're not a screw up."

He smirked. "You still can't cuss."

"You're not a fuck up then. Fine." I hated cursing.

He turned his attention fully to me and wiped at his eyes. "I live in a shitty apartment, I'm single and I dropped out of college. Face it, Jonah, I screwed up."

I pursed my lips. He made it sound so final, but it really wasn't. "We could get a place together next semester, you could go back to school."

"Would you date someone who cheated on their boyfriend because he was mad at him?"

I knew my answer without even having to think about it. "I would, as long as they didn't expect me to have sex with them."

Ansel put his arms around me and pulled me in close to him. "That's a really shitty thing to say. Do you even really like Charlie?"

"Maybe. I dunno. He's not mean. He doesn't hit me. As far as I know he's not cheating on me. I hate that he smokes pot and doesn't ever use enough lube, even though I've told him to use more, but I like some stuff. He doesn't care that I don't get hard. He might even like that maybe. I don't really know. It's like he can have the sex he wants without having to worry about what I want or whether I'm into it or not."

"So you're a sex toy."

I frowned. And I wanted to argue with him, but he might have been right. "I'm not outgoing like you, or brave like you. And I was lonely. I needed someone, and Charlie's better than being with a guy like Tom."

"Your hand is better than a guy like Tom," Ansel argued. I knew what he was trying to say, but it really didn't apply to me. Ansel sighed loudly and tried again. "You deserve to be more than something for some asshole to stick his dick into."

I wanted to be more than that, but everyone put so much emphasis on sex. "Everyone else wants sex and I can't. I barely put up with it. I suck him off or I lay there while he's on top of me and it's just... I'm doing it to keep him around and that's all it is. I don't love him, and if there was a better guy banging down my door to be with me, I'd dump Charlie in an instant, but there isn't. And after Tom left and you left—"

"I never left you," Ansel interrupted me.

I got up on my elbows to look at him again. "You did though. You're here now and I love having my time with you, but when the next Derek or Steven to comes along, you'll be gone again. Charlie may not be great for me, but at least he's around and with him I'm not alone."

Ansel rolled over on top of me and hugged me tightly. Then he kissed my cheek and then my lips, just as we'd always done. "You're right. And I'm sorry for being a shitty friend. It won't happen again."

"It's okay," I mumbled. I liked having him there. I liked that he was holding me. And I really liked having him kiss me. If Charlie saw us like that he'd be pissed, and maybe that should have been a big clue to me that I needed to get Ansel off of me, but I didn't want to.

He kissed me again, but not like we always had. This kiss was slower and he ran his tongue over my lips. I opened my mouth and he touched his tongue with mine. I should have stopped him. I should have pulled away or reminded him I was dating Charlie. But instead I wrapped my arms around him and I hung onto him as he kept kissing me on the frozen grass.

Eventually, my conscience came back and I realized I couldn't do this without at least texting Charlie to let him know we were over. "I'm texting Charlie to break up with him."

"Because he's a shitty boyfriend?"

I shook my head. "Because I was kissing you."

"So if we hadn't just kissed you would have stayed with him then? Forever?"

I probably would have. Or at least until he'd gotten bored and broken up with me instead.

When Charlie replied, it was almost immediately, and made me wish I'd just deleted the message without reading it.

"Hey…" Ansel said, noticing the change in my mood and reaching out to touch my shoulder.

"Most of the guys out there are just like him. I'm never gonna find someone who doesn't mind never having sex." I sighed, feeling miserable.

"Never at all?"

I really didn't want to. "Not if I can help it."

"What about kissing?" he asked, as if he wasn't quite sure of the moment that had just passed between us.

"I like kissing you," I admitted. "I've always liked kissing you."

He kissed me again, a nice slow kiss. I knew when a guy wanted sex from me, but Ansel wasn't just some guy that wanted me. He was my best friend and so I kept my hands on his shoulders as I pushed him away.

"Ansel? What do you want?"

"You."

I'd been afraid of that. I bit my bottom lip. I didn't want sex to be something that I gave him to keep him around too. I cared about him so much that would devastate me.

"What do you want?" he asked, repeating my words back to me.

"You to be my friend without needing sex from me to keep you around."

He froze above me. "Is that..." He looked between us, maybe he even noticed that he was hard and pressing against me, but he turned to the side so he was no longer touching me like that. "I get that you don't want sex. I get that you don't like it and that it doesn't turn you on. I'm not asking you for sex at all. I'm sorry."

"Then what are you asking me for?"

He looked just as confused as I felt. "You're my best friend. The one guy that's always been there for me. I want to be with you."

"I'm not having sex with you," I reminded him.

He kissed my cheek. "I don't expect you to. I just want someone to love me as I am."

"There's someone out there who can do that too," I argued.

"There's someone right here in my arms who does already."

I glared at him, but I didn't argue with him about that because I did love him. He was my best friend. "I can't have sex with you. You know what that means right? Sex has always been a big thing for you. I won't share you, I won't have you cheating on me, and I won't be having sex with you just to keep you. I can't do that anymore. Not with you. Please don't ask me to."

"Because if I asked you, you might?" he guessed.

I nodded. "Not just might. Would. If you said I had to have sex with you just to keep you around I would. I'd hate it, but I'd still have you here."

He held me close and he kissed my cheek. "That's fucked up. I'd tell you not to ever do that for anyone, but since you're going to be dating me, you won't have to. And I promise, no cheating, no screwing around. Not on you. I've loved you for years. I'm not going to hurt you."

"You have not." My heart beat fast in my chest. Surely he was just saying that.

"I came out to you first and I kissed you," he reminded me. "Tell me you don't love me too."

I had loved him since those afternoons spent on his truck with the ice cream. I'd loved him since that first party where he came out to sit beside me and I still loved him now. "Why didn't you tell me then?"

"Because I didn't want to risk losing you."

That was a stupid reason. "You nearly lost me anyway."

"I know. Can we try again? Can we start over and date like we should have from the beginning? Just you and me? Just like we were in high school when we couldn't wait to get out of here and go to college in Springfield where we were going to be all grown up and independent?"

I really wanted to, but it was too late for that. Far too much had happened for us to go back to how we were when we were eighteen and thought everything would be perfect once we left for college. "No, but we can move on from here." I took his hand in mine and I kissed him.

FIN