AFTER CALLING OFF MY ENGAGEMENT to Josh, I took a year-long break from dating. Truthfully, for five months after the breakup, we would fly out to see each other, secretly trying to work things out. Even though he was controlling and difficult, I felt pressured to try to make things work with him because he did get so close to my daughters. The guilt was almost as severe as splitting the kids up from their real dad. Ultimately, it just couldn’t work. Josh just wasn’t the guy I hoped he could be.
That breakup hit me the hardest because I truly thought I found my person, and I had put it out there in front of what felt like the whole world. I cringe when I think about the family photo session Josh and I did with my girls. It’s embarrassing to look back at the degree to which I fought for things to work out.
After things ended with Josh, my mind was focused solely on my girls. Second to them, I was doing some serious soul searching. I took a good look within myself to recognize where I’d gone wrong in my choices and how I could do better in the future. I spent a lot of time taking walks by myself, listening to my inner voice.
About a year later, when the opportunity to return to season four of Bachelor in Paradise came up, I was skeptical. The last time I was on the show I got myself into a very unhealthy relationship. I felt as though I’d wasted my chance on Paradise because I didn’t pay attention to red flags or listen to the warnings. It was as if everyone was screaming, “The inside of that house is on fire!” but I stupidly ran right through the front door. Plus, I can tell you that public breakups are a thousand times worse than private ones.
A quiet voice inside me said, Hey, this almost worked last time. Why not try it again? Just because I blew my last opportunity didn’t guarantee I’d do it again. I felt like this was a second chance to go and make better decisions. I knew I wasn’t going to get engaged again. If there was someone there for me at Paradise, I wanted to take it a lot more slowly. This time I’d date on my real-life timeline as opposed to the show’s timeline. One caveat for me was whether or not Josh would also be participating on the show. If he was going to be on Paradise, I definitely was not. With a firm promise from production that Josh would not be on season four and a small glimmer of hope that I might meet someone amazing, I decided to go for it.
The first time I was on Paradise, I was the very first person to arrive on day one. It was a nice advantage being able to meet everyone as they arrived. This time I was the last person to get there. All participants are kept in the dark as far as who all is coming to Paradise. That’s part of the fun! As I made my way down the stairs, the first person I saw was Corinne. We had met the year before at a concert in L.A. and had a good time together. It was a relief to see someone I sort of knew. Corinne, in a pretty pink dress, was soaked head to toe from jumping in the pool fully clothed. Typically, we girls try to look our best on the first day, so it took me aback that Corinne would be so casual and carefree, without makeup, perfect hair, or even dry clothes. When Corinne saw me, she called out my name and started running toward the stairs. She almost fell down, which made me realize right away just how wasted she was. But she wasn’t the only one. The rest of the cast was also already very drunk. Still, Corinne was the drunkest of the bunch. If you look at the cast photo taken that day, you’ll notice I’m pretty much holding her upright.
While most of us were still getting to know one another, Corinne and DeMario were all over each other. From my perspective it was definitely mutual and in good fun. I saw Corinne and DeMario make their way to the pool as the rest of us hung out on the beach. I was bummed there weren’t any of the girls from my last season. I didn’t know anybody there, girls or guys. I tried to keep an upbeat demeanor, but truthfully, I felt a little lost. I noticed Corinne and DeMario move from the pool to the hot tub but didn’t think much of it. Nobody was paying close attention to them. We were all too busy checking each other out to pay them any mind.
Since Corinne was the only girl I kind of knew, we ended up spending the most time together. Over the next couple of days of filming, she kept getting pulled aside by producers, but I didn’t know why. I thought maybe she was being a diva asking for special treatment or voicing her concern about how she’d be portrayed. The truth was, Corinne had a serious boyfriend when she came on the show. She and her boyfriend had an understanding that she wasn’t there to hook up with anyone but rather promote herself and her brand. From the start she was upfront with the producers, telling them she had no intentions of hooking up with any of the guys. But then on the first day she had sex with DeMario in the pool. I think Corinne’s biggest concern was if and how her boyfriend was going to find out what happened between her and DeMario. That was my guess at the time as to why she kept talking to producers on the side. None of us had any idea what that tryst would turn into.
The night that production shut down started out like any other. We had a cast cocktail hour before separating the guys from the girls, as they always do. I was nervous at not having connected with any of the guys. I didn’t know what would happen at that rose ceremony. I wasn’t attracted to anyone there. I wasn’t even sure if I wanted to stay, but then again that’s the thing about Paradise. You never know who might show up the next day.
Chris Harrison, our host, called everybody in for a chat when suddenly and simultaneously the camera crew put their cameras down. Chris said to us, “This is not fake. The cameras are off.” We were all very confused, feeling left in the dark as to why production stopped. We had no idea why what happened between DeMario and Corinne should cause cameras to stop rolling. The general consensus with the cast was that Corinne got too drunk and did something with DeMario that she regretted. Maybe she blamed production for not stopping them, knowing how drunk she was? We’d later find out it was a producer who caused filming to stop because the producer felt uncomfortable about what had transpired. The producer was concerned Corinne was too drunk to give consent. I felt at the time that the whole thing was being blown way out of proportion. Yes, Corinne was drunk, but she was not passed out or close to it. She was very much present, from what I could tell. At the end of the day, we are all adults who make our own decisions, good or bad.
The next three days were like being on a real vacation. We got to relax, get a tan, and swim while we awaited the fate of the show. As nice as it was to be relaxing, I still felt haunted by everything that happened there the year before. I didn’t think going back to Paradise would be difficult for me, but once I arrived the memories came rushing back. Every room, every inch of that resort, was attached to a memory with Josh. It was especially hard spending time on the beach where we got engaged. It was all still very fresh in my mind. I sometimes sneaked off camera to cry. But still, I was motivated to create new memories on Paradise. I wasn’t sure if we were cancelled, postponed, or what.
The producers pulled me aside and told me that since I have kids I could leave if I wanted to. They made it pretty clear they weren’t sure what would happen with the show either. I definitely didn’t want to spend another day away from my girls if I didn’t have to, so I decided to leave. I told the producers to call me if they picked back up and I’d make the two-hour flight back. Corinne and I were the first to leave. We flew home together. She was also very confused about what was going on and why it was happening. To this day I still don’t think anyone really knows what happened. Corinne’s boyfriend picked her up from the airport, which made me believe he didn’t know anything about what just happened. He soon would. Everyone would. None of us had any idea just how big the media would blow this up. We knew it was a big deal behind the scenes because production never suspends filming for anything. But we never would have thought it would be the top story on every media outlet. When the news broke, it seemed every outlet had a different story, one more scandalous than the next. I thought for sure the show was done and never coming back.
I don’t know who started the rumor that DeMario was at fault for what happened between him and Corinne in the pool. Seeing the media portray him as a possible rapist was disgusting and hard to take. Nobody from the cast felt DeMario did anything wrong. Some of us suspected Corinne of spreading these damaging rumors about DeMario because she didn’t want her boyfriend to find out she’d willingly had sex with someone else. But I no longer believe this to be true. I think it was fabricated by the rumor mill to make a bigger story out of it. I was glad when the public retracted its claws from DeMario after realizing it was a consensual encounter. The assumption it wasn’t definitely wasn’t fair or true.
I was shocked when production called less than a few weeks later to say we’d be returning to film the rest of season four of Paradise. They didn’t have us reshoot anything. Instead, they addressed the scandal on the air and had us pick up right where we left off. While we were on a break, a lot of people kept in touch and developed relationships off camera. These relationships led to a few hookups and some unexpected drama upon return.
As viewers saw, Lacey was absolutely obsessed with Daniel. They met once and apparently FaceTimed occasionally before the show resumed, and that was enough for Lacey to know Daniel was the one for her. She mentioned that Bachelor in Paradise was their chance to be together. I heard from another participant she had an engagement ring picked out before she even went on the show. Suffice it to say, Lacey came off more than just a little nutty. She went in way too hard. If you go into Paradise desperate to get engaged, that’s exactly how you’re going to come off. And the same goes for real life. People can sense desperation. It isn’t cute on anyone. The best attitude to have in any situation is if you meet someone, that would be cool. If not, you’ll be a-okay.
The same kind of thing happened with Jasmine, who—let’s just say it—went crazy on Paradise. Jasmine became super aggressive toward Matt after going on just one date. Immediately she was all in at 100 percent. It’s easy to get ahead of yourself on Paradise because you go on this show with the expectation of falling in love. Everything happens really fast. People really do get engaged after three weeks on the show or at least leave the show in serious relationships. Look at Raven and Adam, for example. It worked for them! And they’re so happy. Adam is one of the rare gems on the show. And Raven is one of the greatest girls I know. They both got really lucky to have found each other on the show.
The second you go on a good date, you’re like, Oh my gosh, it’s happening! I’m going to have what Raven and Adam have! It’s hard not to let that excitement turn into possessiveness. I’ve wondered if Matt would have been more interested in Jasmine if she had played it cool. I completely sympathized with her disappointment. When it doesn’t work out the way you hoped, you’re crushed, because you only get a few chances on Paradise. But in the real world, of course, it doesn’t work like that. We have an unlimited amount of times to get it right. Nobody is trying to squeeze your love life into a short season.
Nobody crushed harder than Dean on that season. Crushed Kristina’s heart, that is. To be honest, I really like Dean, and I felt badly for him. He was portrayed as a player or a jerk on the show when that isn’t who he is at all. He was fresh off the emotional rollercoaster of filming Rachel’s season of The Bachelorette, where he’d made it pretty far. He walked right into shooting Paradise where basically every girl was interested in him. Dean is a cute guy, but I don’t think he was used to getting the level of attention he was receiving from all these sexy, hot, older women who wanted him bad. I think he tried to handle the situation with Kristina and D-Lo as best as he could, but at the end of the day he was young and temptation like that is hard for anyone to handle. He didn’t handle it well. In fact, I think he handled it pretty poorly, but again, I think that was due to his young age and lack of experience, not to him being a bad guy. He is a nice guy with a good heart. Unlike a lot of the guys who go on the show for attention, not caring about hurting anyone’s feelings, I believe Dean was there for the right reasons.
Robby and I did not hit it off right away. When we first met, I thought he was the biggest douchebag ever. Then he reached out to me over the break, and we started talking here and there. I decided maybe he wasn’t all that bad. When we returned to Paradise, I saw him as a cool guy friend, someone I could hang out with. As time passed, I grew lonely for companionship while we were filming because I didn’t have any of my girlfriends there. That’s how I saw Robby, as my only friend in Paradise. I wasn’t blind to the fact Robby was trying to make something happen between the two of us. If you watch the episodes, you’ll see he tried to kiss me twenty or so times, and every time I denied him.
Eventually, the producers began encouraging me to move forward with Robby. I wasn’t there for a free vacation, after all. Viewers tune in to witness romantic connections, not to watch me get a tan. I caved and the kissing began. One thing led to another and I started to let Robby out of the friend zone. Although we were what I’d call casually dating, I never fully believed there would be a future between us. The things I ask for in a relationship, such as commitment and loyalty, would never come from Robby. Whereas Josh would pretend he was someone different than who he was, Robby was very straightforward about his intentions. Robby was honest in telling me he loved partying and he’d never give it up for anyone. He also admitted he’d always want attention from other girls. I’d been down this road before and didn’t like where it took me. For those reasons, I broke up with him on the show before things got serious.
When you leave a show like Paradise, you remain close with the people you experienced it with because only they understand what you went through. Robby and I reconnected when we got home. Although we did hang out for a while, I never introduced him to my kids. He was pushing for us to be something more, but I never trusted him enough to let that happen. To me, we were just having fun and enjoying each other’s company.
Six weeks post-Paradise, when it came time to film the reunion show, Robby wanted to announce us as a couple, which took me aback because we really weren’t a couple. At that point, I hadn’t even seen him in weeks. When a fan direct messaged me a photo of Robby kissing another girl at a concert, I was further convinced he wasn’t truly interested in any type of relationship or commitment. The night before the show, Robby called my hotel to discuss what we were going to say about our relationship status. I was very honest and clear with him when I explained we had barely talked in weeks, that I knew he was out in clubs kissing other girls, and I wasn’t interested in fabricating a relationship. He asked if we could say that we are still hanging out and seeing where it goes. I said absolutely not. I felt his motivation was to look good and get more airtime. It made me laugh to think of the desperate measures to which some people will go to gain more Instagram followers. But I guess that’s expected for a “social media expert.” That’s when I decided, once and for all, to put Robby back in the friend zone where he belonged.
The Rose: Taking a Chance
Do I regret going back to Paradise for a second run? Truthfully . . . kind of. I didn’t end up meeting anyone special, and I didn’t get the same bonding time with my close girlfriends as I did the time before. But I also know that had I not gone, I would have wondered “what if.” I’m also glad I allowed myself the chance to create new memories to replace the ones that made me sad. Now when I think of Paradise I’m not flooded with memories of Josh. I’m reminded of a bunch of fun times I spent on a beautiful beach making new friends. At the end of the day, I still believe we should always come from a place of yes. Taking chances may or may not go the way we hope, but the chances are always greater when you go for it.
The Thorns
• Don’t judge a situation until you get the whole picture. Most of us were guilty of speculating who said and did what with the Corinne and DeMario situation. Had we only waited a few weeks we would have known it wasn’t anywhere near what the rumors suggested.
• Let it go for good. Next time I break up with someone because they’re not right for me, I’m committing to that choice. Going back and forth with an ex, trying to force something that’s not there, is a painful waste of everyone’s time.
• Don’t be desperate. If you’re just dying for a boyfriend, definitely keep that between you and your friends. Nobody wants to be with someone who’d probably settle for anybody else.
• Play it cool. Hitting fast forward after one or two good dates is more likely to send someone running in whatever direction you’re not in.
• If you know someone’s not for you, don’t keep him around purely for entertainment. I let things go way too far with Robby simply because there was no one else to hang out with. This mistake got me caught up in a weird web I wish I hadn’t messed with in the first place.