IT’S SAFE TO SAY the last few years have been somewhat of a whirlwind for me. I get asked all the time how I stay optimistic about dating and finding someone after quite a few failed relationships. The truth is, relationships don’t always work out. That’s kind of the point of dating. That doesn’t mean you give up. With every relationship that hasn’t worked out for me, I have learned so much about myself, what I want in a partner, and even more so what I don’t want in a partner. I’ve also learned quite a bit about my own faults.
My failed relationships have taught me how important it is to be independent and happy on your own. As soon as you’re truly content on your own, that’s probably when you’re going to meet the right guy. Or at least the right guy for now, because note to self: This one may not work out either and that’s okay!
It had been months since I went on a date. I was solely focusing on my kids, my career, writing this book, and starting a clothing line. After four years of bad relationships and even worse breakups, getting into a new one was the last thing on my mind. I was flying home from New York City with my assistant Tiffany in January 2018 when I noticed a guy had sent me a message on Instagram—an adorable video of a puppy. I clicked on his profile and looked through his photos and thought he was so cute. A year earlier I would have responded so quickly to his direct message, but after everything I’ve been through, I decided to ignore it.
A couple of weeks later, he sent me another message and then another, and finally I responded. We exchanged numbers and texted for a couple of weeks. He asked me out on Valentine’s Day and at first I thought about getting a babysitter and going on the date but instead decided to stay home with the kids to have our own Valentine’s Day celebration. Bobby and I rescheduled for a few days later. I bailed. A few days after ditching this poor guy, my two engaged friends and I had tickets to a Cirque du Soleil show and I needed a date. I decided to ask Bobby. I was still a little skeptical of meeting up with a stranger, so I figured a double date would be perfect. I may or may not have told him it was a double date—my bad. He got in the Uber and was a little surprised to see my two friends sitting in the back seat with me. (I still haven’t lived that one down!)
During this date, I was so pleasantly surprised. I wasn’t expecting to like this guy at all. I wasn’t even in a place where I cared to be in a relationship whatsoever. He was surprisingly super shy for a guy who persistently slid into my DMs. He was sweet and respectful and didn’t mention The Bachelor or Bachelor in Paradise once (he has actually never even seen either of them). Not to mention, he was much more handsome in person. I had a good feeling about him. We said goodbye that night and mentioned we’d see each other soon. We continued to text every day but didn’t see each other for nearly three weeks.
Once we started going on actual dates, it took six of them before he kissed me. If you’ve watched my “love stories” on Bachelor in Paradise, you know this is a very different speed for me. But it was so refreshing! We really got to know each other and enjoyed each other’s company before getting physical. It wasn’t the kind of lustful romance you see in the movies. And honestly, I’ve had that and it doesn’t always work. Just because you have physical chemistry with a guy doesn’t mean you’re falling in love or that you’re compatible in a relationship. Bobby taught me that the most important aspects of a relationship are a lot deeper than having a strong physical chemistry with someone. Because if you’re not compatible and that’s all you have, you’re going to face some serious issues later when things start getting more serious and you start butting heads.
Bobby was a homebody just like me. Finally, a guy who didn’t have to see and be seen! Turns out they do exist. I get tired at 10 PM and love staying home in my pajamas with my kids, watching TV. It’s harder than I ever imagined to find a guy who doesn’t love to party. Before, I wished to find a guy who wanted to live a low-profile life at home, but I figured he wasn’t out there and so I settled for compromising with partiers. But Bobby also didn’t drink. He didn’t order an alcoholic drink on any one of our dates, and I really liked that about him. He was very calm and low key, even slightly introverted. Night and day compared to any guy I’d dated in the past.
Our relationship was different from anything I’d ever experienced before. We were truly best friends. We had each other’s backs. We communicated our wants and needs and were on the same page that our relationship was a constant work in progress. He was so great and hands-on with Kinsley and Charlie, but it took a while to build that relationship. I used to have the unrealistic expectation that a guy I was dating needed to love my kids from day one. They’re my entire world, of course, but I’m their mother. A new boyfriend understandably has no connection to them. Whomever you’re with should slowly build a relationship with your kids, just as a relationship with you was slowly built. My ex Josh claimed to “love” my kids before he even met them. It made my heart melt at the time. But looking back, it was totally a load of crap. I remember the first time Bobby said he loved Kins and Char. It was so much more meaningful because he had actually built a relationship with them and meant it.
At the time, everything was really falling into place, and I had truly never been happier. I was finally in a relationship where I felt like my boyfriend really knew me and loved me. Another new thing for me was the fact that my friends and family all approved of him, which had never happened in my life. After seven months of dating, Bobby and I had dealt with our fair share of arguments—it’s only natural. But we had gotten pretty good at knowing what set each other off, what buttons not to push, and how to deal with each other when one of us was frustrated, hurt, or angry. In my past relationships, my buttons were constantly pushed on purpose. With Bobby, I understood what it was like to be with someone who wouldn’t do that to me intentionally. We genuinely cared about each other’s feelings and wanted to make each other happy. No relationship is perfect, but ours was the closest I’ve been to finding an authentic relationship that was built slowly and organically. Even though it didn’t work out in the end, we could both walk away with key lessons. Bobby and I separated on nothing but good terms, and it makes me happy to know that mature breakups are actually possible.
Even in relationships with the smoothest of sailing, you’ll face a few swells. For us, the roughest waters happened to occur in a desert—go figure! You may have heard about my incident in September 2018 resulting in a mug shot. Me! A mug shot! I still can’t believe it. One of my good friends was having her bachelorette party and never did I think it would be anything other than celebrating her road into marriage.
So, if it was a bachelorette party with just the girls, how did Bobby wind up in Vegas with me? A few weeks prior to the trip, Bobby lost a volleyball tournament he was training really hard for. I’m talking 5 AM wake-up calls every day to practice. He was pretty devastated about it, so I wanted to do something special to cheer him up. His dream was to race a Lamborghini (men . . . amiright?), so I found a place in Vegas that allowed you to race luxury cars. Since I already had plans to be in Vegas, I thought it was the perfect opportunity for me to stay a few days extra and have Bobby meet with me toward the end of the bachelorette party. Obviously, things didn’t exactly go as planned, and we never made it out to the racetrack.
Saturday and Sunday were reserved for all things bachelorette. I’m talking day clubs with The Chainsmokers performing and the girls having a good time. The last thing on the weekend’s agenda was going to Magic Mike Live on Sunday night. Bobby arrived at the hotel just a few minutes before we were leaving for the show. I quickly said hi, gave him a kiss, and told him I’d come to his room when I got back.
When we got to Magic Mike, I remember all of us grabbing a drink at the bar and finding our seats. I had my bride-to-be friend decked out in all white, hoping the performers would bring her up on stage—and they did! The show was so much fun. As soon as it was over, we were all laughing at my friend’s shocked face when she was pulled up on stage.
As the bachelorette party was coming to a close, we opted to end the weekend in the hotel room so that we wouldn’t have to walk out and about the strip in heels. Seemed like a pretty good choice all around. We’d be able to avoid club lines, be safe, and not spend a ridiculous amount of money on bottle service or drinks from the bar.
With Bobby there and a group of my closest friends, I allowed myself a night off. We weren’t in public and we weren’t planning on driving or going anywhere. I felt that I was in a safe place, and to be honest, I never let loose. But that night I had a couple more drinks than usual (and by that, I mean two more than my one normal glass of wine), and we were all kind of being loud in the hotel room. We were there to celebrate, but never did we mean to cause a huge disturbance.
With the noise we were making, our neighbors called hotel security, who came to our room. Bobby, who rarely, rarely drank, opened the door to speak to them and apologize on our behalf for being so loud. I don’t know what got into me, but I suppose liquid courage happens to the best of us in the worst moments sometimes. I barged up to the door and “pushed” Bobby aside to get in front of him to speak to security myself.
I don’t even know what I said at this point, if I’m being completely honest. I was that friend. The one who wants to speak to security to let them know everything is fine, but I probably shouldn’t have been the one talking. And because I made the action of pushing myself in front of Bobby, hotel security called the police, claiming domestic violence abuse. The rest . . . Well, the rest you probably saw play out in the media.
I never in my life expected myself to be in a situation like this. To this day, I am still devastated and confused by what happened that night. So is everyone who knows me. As soon as I was released, Bobby and I booked a flight home. The moment we got to the airport I got a call from TMZ. Someone had tipped them off about my arrest. I was in shock. I hadn’t even had enough time to process everything and my mug shot was floating around the internet. I couldn’t wrap my brain around the media frenzy, so how was I supposed to answer questions about it?
Within minutes, my phone was flooded with texts and links to articles from various websites. It was, hands down, the most humiliating two days of my life. I wanted to hide under a rock and never come out. I was definitely grateful to have Bobby by my side. And our friends and families supported me, knowing the person the media was painting me to be couldn’t be further from who I am. The words “domestic violence” did not describe me, Bobby, or our relationship. The press was saying I shoved Bobby, but anyone who sees us knows that isn’t even possible. I’m 5’3”. He’s 6’7”! There was no way he’d move an inch no matter how much strength I used.
Even still, it was hard. I had never dealt with anything like this before. I felt immense guilt for Bobby, who didn’t ask to date someone who was in the public eye, who was going to have his private life splashed all over the place. I felt terrible for him. I felt terrible for my kids, whom I had to drop off at school the next morning while getting dirty looks from the other parents. It was a mess. Online, people were commenting up a storm, assuming I was on drugs, had an alcohol problem, or party all the time. Even worse is that people were assuming Bobby and I must have a terrible, toxic relationship. For the first time, this couldn’t be further from my truth! Anyone close to me knows none of those things are true, but I wanted everyone to know.
Most people never saw that Bobby was the one who was keeping my family in the loop when I was phone-less and helpless. He took on the responsibility of making sure all my loved ones knew I was okay, and on top of that, he wanted so badly to address the situation to let everyone know what the news was reporting couldn’t have been further from the truth. His eagerness and instinct to protect me showed me a different side to a partner I’ve never even thought to look for.
Despite everything, if I could take it all back, I wouldn’t. I’m lucky that my friends and family know me well enough to stand by me, and their love and support really showed through this incident. I faced no judgment from my closest friends when I got back and no one made me feel less than for a careless situation that happened in Vegas. I’m so grateful to know and love the people who have my back through everything. This incident has made all my relationships stronger.
I was glad Bobby was there for me through all the craziness.
Some bumps in the road may be bigger than others. And if you’re reading this, I really pray your bumps are smaller than mine. But if they’re not, you’ll be just fine!
I have learned so much with everything I’ve been through. In the end, it’s made me a stronger and better mother, girlfriend, daughter, and friend. The truth is, no one is perfect. Everyone makes mistakes, and we are going to continue to make mistakes for the rest of our lives. The best part about those mistakes is that you learn from them every time.
So there you have it: my love life in a nutshell. Reminiscing about all the things that happened in my past while writing this book has opened my eyes to so many things that I buried deep, deep down or even forgot about.
I am so grateful for my life now, but it took a long time to get over all the times I’ve been burned in the past—both privately and publicly. Now that I’ve taken the time to officially move forward, I wish I could say that I have my entire life put together and all figured out, but really . . . I’m not even close. It seems like, every day, I’m still learning something new.
Being with Bobby taught me a lot about being in a relationship in which both sides give equally. I had to be honest with myself and accept that effort from him, though. It wasn’t easy at all at first. I thought maybe I was going crazy because we were so compatible. I was so used to being in relationships that were toxic, way too co-dependent, and emotionally taxing that I wasn’t used to the patience that Bobby gave. I had to keep asking myself, Is this normal?
Going through life and being in relationships has made me realize how far I’ve come as a person. I’ve finally set boundaries in place when it comes to my needs, and I’ve finally started following my own advice when it comes to being in healthy, worthwhile relationships. There are still moments that bring about self-doubt, but I’ve learned to be patient with myself too.
With Kins and Char getting older, I now miss the moments when I could carry the both of them in my arms. I can’t believe they are growing up so fast. They each truly have personalities of their own, parts of which I can already tell will be challenging when they get older.
Kins and Char have taught me everything I know when it comes to persevering, picking myself up when things are tough, and being the best version of myself. I always kind of laugh at comments on Instagram in which people say that my life looked “perfect” or that I was “mom goals.” I love that sentiment, which encourages me to keep keeping it together for all the single moms who look to me for inspiration. But I just have to say that we all have good days . . . and we inevitably all have bad days, too. There are so many moments when I’m knee-deep in our dog Poppy’s poop because it’s been a mission to potty train her while Charlie is pouring hot wax from my favorite candle on the kitchen counter and Kinsley is crying because she fell running around in the house, and I’m on the verge of tears. But I just take deep breaths and remember that these are the moments I’ll miss. I’ll miss sharing sweet laughs with a silly Charlie and nursing Kinsley’s knee with a giant bandage because she’s just as dramatic as her mom. No matter what the circumstances are in life, it’ll always be the three of us first before anything or anyone else. I’m already anticipating the day when they try to date boys in junior high because then I will really panic when they start breaking hearts (or vice versa).
The two most important people to me in the world. I’m so lucky.
If and when Kinsley and Charlie ask me about The Bachelor, I am going to tell them that it was the craziest yet most vulnerable thing I’ve ever done. It was the first time in a long time I made myself step out of my box. At that point, I hadn’t gone out on a date in years and I had a hard, hard time being away from them. Mustering up that courage to go meet Ben and have Ben meet them (the first guy after their dad) was a whole learning experience in itself. More importantly, I am so grateful for the people I met on the show. They’ve become lifelong friends and aunties of Kins and Char. Life is crazy—with or without The Bachelor—so I’m very fortunate to have gotten to experience something extraordinary like that. It really taught me to grow and took me out of my comfort zone. I can’t imagine what life would have been like had I not received that phone call telling me I was chosen as a contestant.
One thing I know for sure is that you will never see me on Bachelor in Paradise again, and that (I think) my journey in Bachelor Nation has come to an end. I’ve gotten to know myself a lot better after the show, especially as a businesswoman. I can only imagine myself working on creative projects like this book or my own clothing line or a self-owned brand. Never in a million years did I think that I would become an entrepreneur with ambitions or goals to have my own business, but I just needed the courage to believe in myself.
I hope one day I’ll have one or two more babies running around while Kins and Char grow older and go to school (and forget about me!) and that we’ll have a house with a yard where Poppy can run around freely, with backyard summer movie nights as a tradition in our home. I’ve learned over the years to just be thankful for everything that has come my way and, as long as my family is healthy and happy, there really isn’t a need for more.
Throughout all the crazy messes I’ve managed to get myself in and out of, I’ll still always look at roses as a symbol of love and how I’m so beyond blessed to be overflowing with it—even if it took me a while to accept it.