Autumn was right about one thing: the rules were different when it came to us, together. She'd broken them and so had I. Before her, only seven months ago, I wouldn't have dreamed of having sex in my parents' house or the dressing room in a TV studio. Thinking the act disgraceful would have been more my thing.
But that was the old me, the me who had never been truly touched, never felt a woman's tongue snaking its way around my nether regions, or experienced the delight of a woman on top of me as our sexes met for the first time. She'd opened my eyes when she opened my legs; now I could see the light.
So what was her story and excuse? It wasn't that I was a great lay, not being as inexperienced as I was. Yet we'd had, for want of a better word, “relations” more than once. If I counted the garage incident that was three times. And why had she waited eight years only to do that amazing, but oh so intense sex act with me?
This was what I was thinking when I arrived home from work one evening and found Jessica already in her nightwear. The thought had been occupying my mind for weeks, since Autumn had ravished me at the TV studio.
“Ten o'clock,” she called out without looking away from the TV screen. “That's half an hour later than yesterday.” This had become her new hobby, of shouting out the time of my arrival whenever it went over the cut off time of eight PM. “And five minutes earlier than the day before yesterday.”
“You need to get a life. And you should be ashamed that that's coming from me.”
“You might as well move in with her. I mean, you spend more time there than you do here.”
I scoffed at the idea, though it was one I'd had many times myself. “Yeah, right. Autumn would love that. I'd never get any sleep.” Unbeknown to Jessica, this statement was loaded. Would I get no sleep because she would constantly need my services, or because we would be at it like rabbits all night, every night? Maybe it would be a bit of both.
“Well it's obvious she doesn't hate you as much as she did in the beginning, if she spends this much time with you.”
“I'd like to think that way, seeing as she slept with me twice.” The casual tone was adopted purposefully; I didn't want her making a fuss about it. I should have known better, however. It was far too big a revelation to be taken lightly.
She switched off the TV, spun around to face me, the most dramatic look of astonishment on her small face. It was comical. “You did what?”
I sighed. “It's not a big deal.”
“Oh my God, this is the biggest deal ever!” She launched herself from the couch. “When did this happen? Where? Details, woman, details.” She snapped her fingers in my face. “Your first time was with Autumn Anders? I think I'm going to pass out.”
“Please don't.” I told her everything that had happened up to that point, thinking it finally time to come clean. During my five-minute tale I watched her eyes and mouth expand with every new piece of the ludicrous story. For the first time in my life I had something interesting to share with someone.
“You little hoe!” she joked, slapping me playfully on the arm. “I'm impressed. You lose your virginity to one of the most famous rock stars in the world, and my first time was with Pimply Pete behind the bike shed in high school! Well played.”
“I wasn't saving myself for her, you know. I didn't plan any of this. If I'd had any say in the matter, it would have been with someone less...well, less familiar to half of the female population. Oh, and someone who hasn't caused me nothing but anguish since we met.”
“So why did you let it happen with her? I mean, I'm assuming you had a say in it...”
I shrugged, looking sheepish. “It just, I don't know, felt right.” She studied me long and hard, eyes squinted. “What?”
“Where did it feel right? Here?” She pointed to my crotch. “Or...here?” This time she pointed to my chest, my heart.
There was no point lying about it now. I'd let Autumn in when I'd denied others before her, others who had at least bought me a drink before they tried to get into my panties. Jess knew that for me to give myself to someone they would have to be pretty darn special.
“Shit on a stick! You've fallen for Autumn Anders,” she said when I didn't respond.
“It's not that crazy... Okay, it is kind of crazy. Part of me still hopes this is a nightmare I'll wake from if someone pinches me.”
Naturally Jess, taking any opportunity to inflict pain, pinched me on the arm. I didn't wake up, but I did swear at her for hurting me.
“So what's the next move? Does she know how you feel about her?”
“No! And I'm never going to tell her. God, she'd laugh at me.”
Jess frowned. “Why would she? From what you've said, it sounds like there might be feelings there from her end.”
This had been my ultimate hope, but it seemed more like a pipe dream. Every woman who had ever exchanged a kiss with her probably wanted that to be the case, for her to be more invested. But I'd seen them, time and again, being politely asked to leave when she was done with them. Discarded like trash in the morning once they'd served their purpose. She didn't even mention them again after that.
I shook my head. “She had feelings once. Not anymore. I don't think they work.”
“You mean for her dead girlfriend? She's gone, Elle. Been gone a long time. People need to move on. You're one of the nicest, most grounded people I know. If she doesn't see how amazing you are, beyond sex, then... she's a jackass!”
I couldn't help but laugh at her passion. Every now and then she went in to defensive mode, like a mother bear, as though it was her duty to protect me from the bad in the world. I think it was the two-year age gap.
“It's lovely of you to say, but you're biased.”
“So you're just going to move on, hide your true feelings for her and continue working for her while she brings different women to the house, rubbing your nose in it? That sounds a lot like torture to me.”
“Actually, I haven't seen a woman in the house in weeks. It's weird. Usually I expect to see one doing the walk of shame down the driveway when I arrive for work, or creeping out of the shower. But nothing in, like, three weeks.”
Jess gripped me by the arms and shook me. “Um, hello, doesn't that tell you something?”
“What?”
“You are the slowest person I know. And I mean that in the nicest way possible. Didn't it ever occur to you that she doesn't want you to see her with other women anymore? That she cares what you think of her now?”
It hadn't, but now it made a certain amount of sense. Still, it was too big a leap. “For all I know Autumn could just be having a break from sex. There has to come a point when it gets boring.”
“Trust me, if it's good, it never gets boring. That's like saying donuts get boring. Or chocolate.”
“Which they do, if you have too much of them...”
“You're being obtuse. Listen to me, I know better. I think you mean a lot more to her than you think you do.”
The idea almost made me delirious. I'd been resigned to my fate of only ever experiencing unrequited love, suspecting from an early age that the kind of love I had to give would overwhelm anyone I ever fell for, and would thus push them away. The same love Autumn had also experienced, had once been capable of. But did a person exhaust their supply of it? I was certain that she would never love that way again. So whatever feelings, if any, she had for me, they would never be enough.
“Even if that were true, you only ever get one true love, don't you?”
“Who the heck told you that? This isn't a fairytale, Elle. It's real life, and people are far more complex than that. Love is far more complex than that.”
I wanted to believe her. Oh, how I wanted to.
There was a marked difference in the way she looked at me these days. I'd noticed it even before Jess's words of wisdom. I couldn't quite put my finger on what it was, but there was definitely a change. Even when she barked orders at me it wasn't the same as before. Something had changed between us, there was no doubt about that. It made me question whether there was some truth to what Jess had said.
I didn't arrive at the mansion until midday, having had to drive out of town to pick up a costume for Autumn. When I let myself in I didn't announce my arrival, just went up the stairs to find her, to hand over the stupid costume she'd sent me on a wild goose chase to find, that she would only ever wear once.
As soon as I reached the top of the steps, I heard voices coming from her room. As I crept closer, they became more distinct. There were two: one I recognized as Autumn's, and the other... the other sounded familiar. It took a moment to realize that it belonged to Nancy. She had a fine, high-pitched, girly laugh that was distinct – quite unusual for someone who had played bass guitar for a living. Autumn was obviously watching an old video recording of the two of them.
“What do you think, babe? People keep asking when you're going to make an honest woman of me.”
“Nothing I do could ever make an honest woman of you, Nancy!”
Nancy laughed. “Burn. You take that back, missy, or you'll be sleeping on the couch tonight.”
I heard kissing and lots more giggling as I listened by the door. And then I heard something else, something that sounded much clearer, much more real than the two cheerful women. Sniffling. Sniffling that moments later turned into crying.
“I'm gonna drop the camera! I'm gonna drop it, stop it!” Nancy's laughter filled the room, coupled with the sobbing. Such conflicting sounds.
“If I sleep on the couch, you're sleeping with me.”
More kissing, more sobbing.
“You know I'll go everywhere with you, babe.”
“And you know my life will only be complete once you become my wife.”
The kissing that followed cut out suddenly, and all that was left was the deafening sobs of a broken woman.
Then I heard, through Autumn's tears, “I'm sorry, honey. I'm sorry I let this happen. I should have been stronger.”
What did she mean by that? Stronger? For what?
My hand itched to twist the doorknob, to run to her, to throw my arms around her and tell her that I was there, that she wasn't alone anymore. But I didn't. I couldn't. In the back of my mind I knew she would hate me for it. I could hug her, but Nancy couldn't. She would hate me simply for being alive. And that crushed me. That was the driving force behind my departure from the house that day. And the silent tears I cried in her car, which I let fall over the steering wheel and the seats, were tears for my feelings of inadequacy. I could never compete with a dead woman, no matter how perfect Autumn said I felt.
She didn't call to find out where I was all day, and that delivered another blow to my ego. When I finally returned it was early evening. I found her where I'd left her, though she'd at least gotten dressed.
“I was beginning to think you'd run off with my costume. What took you so long?” She snatched it from me, didn't bother opening it, and stashed it away in her closet.
“I had a few errands of my own to run.” Looking at her was proving difficult, not just because I'd heard her cry earlier and felt guilty for listening in, but because it hurt to. It was excruciating staring at someone you had feelings for, knowing that you could never mean enough to them that their ex did. That if the impossible happened and they fell in love with you, it would be an inferior love.
“I don't remember paying you to do your own errands.”
“Do you need anything else from me?” I asked impatiently, just wanting to get the heck away from her. Every second in her company was like a punch to the gut.
“What's the rush?” She raised an eyebrow. “Hot date?”
I sighed tiredly. “No, I just want to go home.”
“Why?” She seemed genuinely surprised to hear that.
“Because after a while it gets annoying being insulted by your boss.”
Now she raised the other eyebrow. “This is the first time I've seen you today. You haven't even given me a chance to insult you. Obviously you're dealing with your own stuff right now.” She laughed cruelly. “Even Little Miss Perfect has her problems.”
Frustrated, I turned and stormed toward the door, not waiting to be excused.
“I didn't say you could leave.”
I sucked in a deep, painful breath, and twisted back round to face her. Did she realize just how close I was to snapping? “What?” I demanded.
My rage only seemed to amuse her more. “You are really hot when you're mad, you know that?” She stalked toward me, licked her lips. It was perhaps the sexiest thing I'd ever seen. And just like that I felt my anger thawing. “Why don't you come and sit on the bed with me, and tell me all about what's got you upset.”
“I'd rather not.”
She hooked a finger over the waistline of my skirt and tugged me in toward her. “You know I wasn't asking, don't you?”
“You can't make me do anything I don't want to do.”
“Who said anything about making you do something you don't want to do?” Before I knew it she had started working the buttons of my blouse open. “I can assure you everything I do to you tonight you'll welcome.” She brought her mouth to my ear, then whispered, “Now get on the bed.”
Who was going to argue with that? Not I. Nope, rational thought was impossible around this woman. My vagina only had one thought, and fleeing wasn't it.
I did as I was told, looking up at her with expectant eyes as she stood over me tugging off her T-shirt, revealing perfectly pert breasts, bra-less, nipples pointy and hard. It was my turn to lick my lips, though it was a subconscious move.
She smiled. “Seen something you like, huh?”
Yes, everything. Her whole body. I just wanted to reach out and touch her, something I had been unable to do before. I could have spent hours just exploring her nooks and crannies.
She straddled me and crashed her lips to mine, yanking my blouse off completely, while her tongue attacked mine. When she broke her lips away from me I took the opportunity to let my mouth roam across her chest, wrapping my lips hungrily around each nipple in turn. I should have been self-conscious of my lack of skills in pleasing a woman this way, but the thought didn't cross my mind. I was too busy getting lost in boobs and nipples, and having the time of my life.
“Easy now,” she said, chuckling.
“Sorry.”
“It's okay.” She stroked my face lovingly, her piercing blue eyes big and gentle. When she looked at me like that I knew I would love her forever.
We didn't waste time in stripping down to nothing, helping each other out of the clothes that stood between us. No matter how quickly we moved it didn't seem quick enough.
There was nothing impersonal about the way she made love to me that night. Nor the way she went down on me, holding my hand the whole time while her tongue stroked, circled, and pounded at my sensitive nub. Nor the way she laid me on my side and slotted herself between my legs, like a pair of scissors, lifting one leg while she ground her sex into mine, giving me that amazing sensation for a second time. One hand clasped tightly to my thigh, while the other massaged my breast, stiffening my nipple until it was hard as stone. Hearing my own cries and moans only enhanced the experience.
“I love doing this to you,” she said, and I knew she meant every word. “You feel like heaven.” I was halfway through an electrifying orgasm when she said it, and thus couldn't return the compliment.
It didn't take long for her to reach her peak, and when she did she leaned forward and planted a slow, tired kiss on my lips, breathing heavily, perspiration clinging to her forehead.
“I'll never grow tired of doing that to you,” she breathed, and we kissed again.
“And I'll never stop letting you.” Okay, so perhaps I should have at least tried to sound a little less smitten and submissive. But I was on cloud nine; nothing could bring me down from it.
She collapsed beside me, and moments later I felt her snake an arm around my waist, and press her bare breasts to my back. Was she really cuddling me? Spooning? This was the happiest day of my life!
I didn't realize I'd drifted off to sleep until I woke up a couple of hours later to an empty bed. I sat up quickly, about to call out for Autumn, and then I saw her by the window. She was still naked, her back to me.
I climbed out of bed and tiptoed across the room to her. I swept her hair to the side, wrapped my arms around her and kissed the back of her neck, loving the feel of her butt against my sex.
She gave nothing back, just stood there without reacting.
“Come back to bed. There are still so many things I want to do to you,” I said, kissing and licking her back. Her skin was salty, probably from sweat. She smelled like flowers.
Her hands unfastened my arms roughly. “You need to get your things and leave.”
“What? Why?” I clasped my arms around her again, but she shoved me away, spun around to face me.
“Get your shit and go home. I'm not asking you again.”
I couldn't believe my ears, or my eyes, which were seeing the venom in hers. The hatred. What had changed in a couple of hours that would make her so hostile toward me?
“No! I'm not going anywhere.”
Her nostrils flared. “If you don't go of your own accord, I'll throw you out.”
“How could you be like this after what we just did?”
She laughed cruelly. “What we just did? What we just did? I fucked you, like I've fucked hundreds of other women–”
“You made love to me,” I screamed. “We made love to each other.”
“I don't make love to people. I screw. So don't make it out to be something it wasn't.”
“I know exactly what it was. You think I don't see what's going on? You never sleep with women more than once. And that thing you did with me tonight, and at my parents' house, who was the last woman you did that with?”
“None of your goddamn business.”
“Nancy. It was Nancy, your first love.”
Her eyes burned into mine, her expression monstrous. She could have killed me with that look. “Don't you dare mention her name.”
“Why shouldn't I? She was the love of your life, the woman you wanted to marry, the woman you wanted to grow old with. Someone around here should talk about her once in a while. It's not healthy.”
“I'm warning you, Elle–”
“You know, Greta was right. You don't know how to be happy. You don't even want to be. Because being happy would mean moving on, getting past the pain. But you're so used to it, so consumed by self-pity that you wouldn't know where to start.” I was on a roll now, and didn't give a shit about the consequences, which, judging from that hate-filled look in Autumn's eyes, would be dire. “I get it, you loved her, and you lost her. And that sucks. It really sucks. It's not fair, I know that too. But that's no excuse to stay like this, to stay miserable, to block everyone out.”
“I more than loved her...” This was the calm before the storm.
“Do you really think she would want you to live like this? Sleeping with any woman who smiles at you, closing your heart off and living in misery? She wasn't the only person capable of loving you. But you don't want to hear that. You'd rather push away the one person who can actually love you in spite of all the scars and bruises. In spite of the fact that you're the biggest asshole who ever walked the planet.” Tears trickled down my cheeks and wouldn't stop.
She snorted derisively. “Do you really think that if I wanted to feel that way again it would be with you? Of all the women I could have, you think I would want you? God, you're pathetic!”
Her words stung and burned, more damaging than any she had ever used in the past. I felt like I would die right there in front of her. I was wrong; Jess was wrong. She didn't have feelings for me, and never had.
“You were a piece of ass, Elle, that's it. Somewhere I could go wild, knowing I was the first and the only one.” I felt her venom pierce my skin. “You laughed at the women who wanted more from me, and look at you now. More stupid than they could ever be, actually thinking that I would love someone like you.”
Didn't she realize she'd already broken me, that she could have stopped now? I could never come back from that. She'd won.
She shook her head, scowling at me as she watched me bawl. “Now get your shit, get the hell out of my house and don't bother coming back. You're fired!”
“You can't fire me, because I quit.” I got dressed as quickly as I could, didn't care whether my skirt was on backwards or not. She watched me the whole time and didn't say anything. “My heart will heal in time,” I said as I was leaving. “But I feel sorry for you more than I do myself. You're going to be alone for the rest of your life. You'll die in solitude, and no one will care. No one!” I slammed out of the room.