Epilogue

 

 

She had never been so happy. It was finally her turn, and she didn’t take it for granted. Grateful for every miracle in her life, she realized she had never felt more whole, complete… peaceful.

Holding that last thought, of peace, she finally surrendered to the sweetness of the dark and allowed herself to drift into sleep. She wasn’t aware of anything for some time and then suddenly she was walking, through a mist, hand in hand with the little girl from the faire. It seemed natural, serene, and she enjoyed the sensation as the dream grew in clarity. They were walking toward a room, lit in the most beautiful soft white gold. The little girl was laughing, delighted with herself and the direction they were heading. Maggie went along willingly, since the child really was irresistible, and she sensed those in the room were happy she was coming. She felt welcomed.

She halted when she realized there was no room, just pockets of people… laughing, communicating with great intensity of pleasure, though no one was actually speaking or opening their mouths. Its was as though everyone could hear everyone else’s thoughts. It was surreal and, like most dreams, anything was possible… Besides, it felt so good she wanted to proceed.

Focusing more attention, she was stunned to make out Aunt Edithe in a group with Lord Robert, congratulating him on his excellent performance. And there was Malcolm, patting the back of the man who killed Nicholas. Montague! Elthea was beaming at Maggie’s ex-husband! There was her mother laughing and shaking her head and holding on to Gwen’s arm. Her favorite teacher from third grade was talking to the doctor who stitched up her arm when she was twelve. There was Evan, grinning with pleasure at Seamus. So many…

The place was packed!

Confused, Maggie felt her attention drawn to a solitary figure, a man dressed in a Renaissance costume. He looked familiar, yet she couldn’t place him. Suddenly, the name came, as though he allowed it in her mind.

Sir Francis Bacon.

The greatest writer in history nodded to her in recognition, as though she had earned the right to discover him in the party of her life, and all its players. She was showered with recognition as the author of her own adventure and Maggie knew she was dreaming, yet no dream had ever been this clear, this incredible. Nor had one ever felt this good! As she looked once more around her, she saw in an instant how everyone, and everything that took place in her life had served her in some way, even those things that were painful. Filled with instantaneous understanding, she knew she could never really put it into words. It was just a flash of seeing how all the puzzle pieces of her life fit together and made sense.

Feeling a tug, Maggie looked down to the beaming face of the adorable child who was still at her side. The rosebud wreath encircled ringlets of shining blond curls. She smiled into the little girl’s eyes and suddenly heard her excited thought….

I’m going to be born soon. This is my party, too!

Maggie felt joy for the child and finally learned her name. Carolyn. There was another mystery solved. She was about to ask the child why she had helped her in the maze when, suddenly, from behind her she felt fear creeping up and tapping her on the shoulder.

Where were Nick and Aiden?

Any sense of this being a dream vanished.

She had seen Titanic! Holy shit, was she dead?

This was not fair… if she was the author of her life, this would make such a lousy ending! She wanted to protest, but saw all the characters who played roles in her life fading. Fear increased, and there was a moment of terrifying darkness where she didn’t know what was real. Gasping, she bolted upright in bed and clutched the sheet to her chest while desperately trying to find sanity again.

It was then she felt his gentle touch on the middle of her back.

“Shh, it’s okay. The nightmare returned?” he asked in a sleepy voice and slowly sat up next to her. Continuing to stroke her back in soothing circles, he added, “It’s been a long time since you had it.”

She looked at him in the moonlight and her thundering heart began to slow down. “It wasn’t the nightmare. I haven’t had it in… in over a year. This was… it was different, Aiden.”

He pulled her into his arms and slowly lay back down, taking her with him. “Tell me about it, love.”

Curling into his arms, she wrapped hers around his waist and wound her leg through his, pulling his thigh closer to her for grounding. “It started out so great. The little girl from the maze was holding my hand and she led me into this… gathering of people.” She sighed, trying to remember and to tell it before she lost it, like so many of her dreams.

He continued to stroke her in silence, running his hands down her bare arm ever so slightly, soothing and supporting her.

She snuggled into his chest. “Everyone was there. Aunt Edithe and Malcolm. Elthea and Evan. My mother and my ex were laughing together. Sheesh, that was weird.”

She felt him chuckle as she went on… “And so was Robert and that assassin, along with Joe, my old boss. Even Seamus. So many I can’t remember them all now.”

“Seamus, huh?” Aiden asked, and Maggie could imagine his grin. Seamus now worked for Aiden.

She continued to explain it as best she could remember, especially the part about Sir Francis Bacon, not wanting to leave out important details for she felt it was an extraordinary dream. Aiden stopped her when she said she could see how it all had served her.

“And what did you learn?” he asked softly, brushing the hair back from her face.

She thought for a moment. “That I can’t so easily judge anything anymore. Some of the hurtful ones were there to challenge me, I guess. Maybe to show me not to give away my power so damn easily.”

“Was that what frightened you?”

“Ohhhh,” she murmured and then chuckled. “Wait till you hear this. It suddenly dawned on me that you aren’t there. And neither is… well, Nick, and I got so scared. I thought I had died and it was like the movie Titanic, or something. Remember that scene at the end where everyone is applauding her and—”

His laughter interrupted her, and she couldn’t help smiling. It was pretty ridiculous.

“Oh, Maggie… the way your mind sometimes works,” he breathed in appreciation and kissed the top of her head. “I’m sorry you had such a fear.”

She nodded, seeing the dream now in a new light. It was when she had questioned the dream that her fear had ended it, and it had been a great one! Too bad. Again she gave her power away to it. “Damn.”

“What?”

“I did it again,” she muttered. “Gave away my power.”

He squeezed her. “We all do it, Maggie. We all have our buttons. Right now, yours is death.”

“I don’t want to talk about it. I was so happy when I fell asleep.” She kissed his chest and ran her hand down his thigh, feeling his energy and making her skin tingle with pleasure.

“Are you attempting to change the subject, or just shut me up?” he asked with amusement in his voice.

She raised her head and looked at his handsome face in the moonlight. “Ya think I can?”

He laughed. “You can, m’lady, anytime you want. I think I’ve made that clear in the last year. All I have to do is touch you, and I want you.”

She sighed with pleasure. “Me, too,” she murmured, laying her head back down on his chest and stroking him.

“All I was saying, Maggie, is that you have this… this trauma about death since Nick.”

She groaned. “You’re going to do this, aren’t you?”

“What better time, my love, to rid yourself of this fear? You, of all people, know death is not an ending, an annihilation. I am living proof of it.” He chuckled. “Now there’s a paradox you can chew on for months.”

She sighed. “Falling asleep in one world and waking up in another? Let me tell you, it’s disorienting.”

“Until you learn the balance. When I was a child, Maggie, I was so sick sometimes I thought I was dying. Funny how even that served me, getting me in touch with my inner self years earlier than I would have had I been healthy. And once…” His words trailed off. “I think I’ve told you about this.”

She nodded. “You felt at one with everything.”

“It was… there are no words to describe it. The closest is joy. It isn’t an ending. It’s another beginning. There is nothing to fear, my incredible time traveler.”

“I don’t fear it,” she whispered. “Well, not the experience so much as leaving you. Life. It’s just starting to be everything I always desired. And way more. Talk about the bennies of this union. I just don’t want it to end.”

He hugged her tighter. “Why ever would it end now? You are finally living your life on purpose. Now is the time to live fully and do whatever you came this time around the wheel to accomplish. And it shall never end with you and I, Maggie. You know that. We have said it over and over, in lifetime after lifetime, and we’re saying it again right now.”

Tilting her chin up, he looked down at her and smiled with love. “As I remember more and more of my connection to Nick and life with you in the Renaissance, I know that no matter what happens in the future, or the past, we are irretrievably connected by a twin flame, bound to create our own light and leave our impression upon the universe.”

“Into eternity,” she breathed, touching his face with tenderness. “Adventure after adventure. Time after time. We’ll always find each other.”

“Aye, m’lady,” he whispered back, turning his face to kiss her fingertips.

She smiled with such love that all thoughts of death, of fear, vanished as she reaffirmed that no matter what happens, the love never dies. It continues. He was right. He was proof.

“Hey,” she asked, “wanna make an impression upon the universe?”

Laughing, he pulled her up on top of him and her hair made a tent around their faces as she eased in between his legs. “I can’t think of a better way in this moment to affirm life than by making love to you.”

“Oh goody,” she remarked, leaning down and kissing him soundly.

He quickly held her head when she pulled back. Staring into her eyes, he said, “I want to worship every inch of you tonight.”

Again, she groaned as delicious sensations raced through her body. Smiling seductively, she whispered, “And you think I’m going to make this difficult for you?”

He laughed. “I’m serious.”

“I know you are. That’s why I groaned. I have received your worship, my love… and it’s anticipation I’m feeling right now.”

“To put it in the words of one of the most intelligent women I have ever encountered… oh, goody.”

It was her turn to laugh. She pulled back a little bit and tried to see his eyes more clearly. “Do you really think I’m one of the most intelligent women you have ever encount—”

He gently tackled her and turned her onto her back. “Oh, hush. I shall stroke your ego, m’lady, if that is your wish,” he said with a laugh, while he traded positions and wound up between her legs, using his forearms to support himself as he looked down to her. “You are brilliant when you let go of your fears. Can you leave your insecurities this night? Your questions and deep excavations into your mind? Don’t think.”

“Don’t think?” she asked in surprise.

“That’s right, don’t think. I want you to feel, to follow your instincts.”

As soon as she heard the words, her body reacted. Making love with Aiden Harley was like nothing she had ever experienced. He took her places in her mind and body that she didn’t even know existed. Now he was saying to turn off her mind.

“How?” she asked, knowing her trust in him was complete. That was one thing she knew without a doubt. With twin flames there isn’t even a discussion of trust.

Their gaze connected in that way. She knew she could never really explain it… the closest was the intimate, eternal spark of their flames uniting. In Aiden’s eyes was Nick staring back at her with such love that it left her in awe.

“Hi…” he breathed with the most tender smile, as the timeless recognition was made.

Her breath caught in her throat as she smiled back with wonder. “Hi…”

“Allow me to worship you… you, that infinite spark of you that is eternally connected to all that ever was or is. Your emotional body is vibrating with unresolved emotions from your past. Thinking isn’t helping. See if feeling does.”

She would have laughed except her body was sending some pretty strong feelings to go along with the suggestion and shut up, even mentally. “Oh, you’re good, Aiden Harley. No wonder all those women buy your CDs and write you those letters and—”

“Hush, Maggie,” he said, right before his mouth captured hers and she couldn’t remember what she was even thinking.

His kiss deepened, demanding her response.

Surrender was sweet.

When he lifted his head, she was gasping with her reaction. He rolled to his side and leaned up on his elbow, resting his head on his hand. Tenderly, he began using the tips of his fingers to caress her lips, her cheeks, her eyes, her hairline… down to her chin. He had done this many times in foreplay, yet this time there was something more in his touch. His energy was stronger.

“You don’t have to do anything,” he repeated in a whisper. “Just feel. I’ll take care of your emotional body.”

She knew he had studied with Buddhist monks, with native Indian shamans and a mahatma from India, but this… this was incredible. He was barely touching her, sometimes only the tiny hairs on her skin, and yet she was saturated with an energy of love that was stunning.

“Wow…”

“Shh…”

Closing her eyes, she allowed him to continue without interruption as Aiden seemed to soothe everywhere he touched. The lyrics of the Marvin Gaye song, “Sexual Healing,” raced through her mind, and then she reminded herself that she wasn’t supposed to be thinking.

Right… feeling.

No words could ever describe what she was feeling. There weren’t any. Not in any language. The closest was bliss. She settled on that word and let it drift from her mind as all her attention seemed to be on her skin and right above it, in the fraction of space between the surface and his hand. That was where she was being drawn as wave after wave of pleasure spread through her body, blocking all thought.

There was nothing but the experience of him… and of her.

He slowly made his way down her body, not missing an inch of her. There was something reverent in his magical hands. Her shoulders, her breasts, her arms, hands, seemed to vibrate with his ministrations, and she moaned as she felt herself weightless again, this time wide-awake yet floating beyond herself.

His touch was filled with such love and respect as he paid homage to her belly, and she experienced the purity of it center between her hips. When her thigh felt his hand, it twitched in instinctive response. He paid slow careful attention to her knees, her calves, her ankles her feet… everywhere. As he traveled up her inner thigh, she couldn’t stand anymore and grabbed his hand, pulling him up to her.

“My physical body is telling my emotional body that enough is enough, Aiden Harley.” Her gasp of pleasure was genuine.

His smile was tender. “As you wish, m’lady.”

Kissing her nose, he then gently pushed her back down to the pillows.

It was a sensuous dance of legs and arms, the electricity of skin against skin, the thrilling impression of intimate contact. It was old. Ancient. Primal. Life-affirming, and Maggie felt him merge into her, become one, and they both moaned at the exquisite homecoming. Together they danced in perfect unity, graceful and passionate to sustain the union. Each wanted to prolong the present and played with the illusion of time, continuously drawing it out until it lost definition and, suddenly, they went beyond the beautiful white room on the California coast. They were out in the universe, making their glorious, unique impression.

It was a timeless fusion, a marriage of male and female, light and dark, right and left, all opposites harmoniously blended until mere was only love left to dance amid the stars.

Life, with all its innocence and passion, was honestly, profoundly affirmed.

Holding each other through the aftershocks, they slowly returned, and Maggie opened her eyes to moonlight and Aiden smiling at her with such love she felt tears burning for release.

“How I love you, Aiden Harley,” she murmured, touching his lips, his square jaw, and the tiny cleft in his chin.

He kissed her fingers, and whispered, “And I adore you, Maggie Harley. You are the most incredible human being I have ever known, or ever will… and we belong together. Thank you, thank you, thank you for waiting for me. You are my beloved.”

Closing his eyes, he inhaled deeply, and breathed, “Sweetness of my days, goddess of my nights, angel of my mornings…”

Lying on her side facing him, she buried her head under his chin and allowed the tears to come. He remained calm, stroking her hair, her shoulder, as though sweeping away the charge of intense energy. Moment by moment, she felt lighter as she cried for the pain and sorrow, everything she had put herself through in order to reach this oasis in paradise. It had been quite an adventure to get home, to where she had always belonged.

How could she now be afraid of death? If her life ended tomorrow, she wouldn’t regret one single bit of it. This was just one chapter in an endless book. Yet she knew her fear had kept her away from really living while she was here, in this moment, and it was for that she cried, releasing the gripping hold terror had on her. Someday she would be tired and fall asleep again. Then she would dream the next chapter and, when she felt herself being awakened, she would remember the characters, the motivation. She might not remember the whole plot, but that was the adventure… to re-member, to put it all back together, to have the courage to live with purpose and recognize faith as the invisible bridge… to know without doubt there is land, paradise, beyond a sea of life’s confusion.

Who ever said you had to die to live in paradise?

Her tears instantly stopped when that thought entered her mind with such clarity that Maggie lifted her head and stared at Aiden. Sniffling, she used the side of her hand to swipe at her nose, and said in an awe-filled voice, “I’m not afraid anymore.”

He smiled with love, and whispered. “Oh, goody.” Bringing her closer, he hugged her so tightly she had to hold her breath. “Let’s really live now!”

“Yeah,” she agreed with a long exhale.

He pulled back, and said with a boyish grin, “After all this impression upon the universe, I’m hungry. How about you?”

Giggling, she sniffled and nodded. “What about ice cream?”

“Yeah,” he said, sitting up and getting excited. “Ice cream and… pickles?”

She laughed and skooched back against the pillows, collapsing in giggles. “Gimme a break, Aiden. I’m not that bad… yet. Plenty of people eat peanut butter-and-marshmallow sandwiches, and I would say a very small percentage are pregnant. My cravings are more… more primal,” she said, and grinned at him with a seductively arched eyebrow.

In the moonlight, his handsome face lit with playfulness. “I have read that women in their second trimester are highly sexual creatures.”

“Oh!” She sat up and pushed at his chest. “I’ll get the ice cream! Really,” she muttered, dropping her leg over the side of the bed. Reaching for her robe, she added, “I was speaking about something more substantial, like chicken salad or something.”

“And touchy,” he said with a laugh. “Chicken salad on ice cream? Hold the chicken on mine. Hey, I was teasing you, Maggie. I’ll get your ice cream and chicken salad.”

Standing and tying the silk belt around her expanding waist, she stopped the tinge of weird energy. This balancing of hormones was something!

“I’m sorry, hon,” she said, and walked around the bed to his side. Bending down, she kissed the top of his head, while he kissed their child growing within her. “I know you were teasing.”

He looked up and grinned. “I’ll get your munchies. It was my idea.”

She tousled his dark hair, and then gently stroked his graying temples. “I’m up and I need to use the bathroom again. Besides, you were up late writing the album liner notes. You rest, my healing husband. Your impression upon the universe tonight was powerful and deep.”

“You sure?” he asked in a tired voice that said he would gladly go if she wanted.

“I’m sure. Now what do you want with your ice cream? I think we have some leftover broccoli from dinner,” she offered teasingly.

He patted the back of her thighs. “Off with you, woman. Raid the fridge and create a midsummer night’s repast, then. We have a lot to celebrate.”

She chuckled. “We do, don’t we?”

As she left, she asked, “What do you think of the name Carolyn?”

He didn’t say anything and she looked back to watch him reach over and turn on the nightstand lamp. “Hold on. Let me look it up.”

She mentally shook her head as she saw him pick up the book of names that he kept with him all the time now. This naming of a new soul was of utmost importance to him.

“Carolyn… Carolyn…” He ran the name over his tongue while flipping through pages. “Here it is. In Latin, the name means strong; womanly. The Old French say Carolyn is a song of joy.”

He looked up from the book, and his gorgeous blue eyes widened. “I like it.”

She laughed. “Me, too.”

“Where did it come from? You just thought of it?”

“I’ll tell you when I get back,” she threw over her shoulder as she walked out of the room. “I have a more pressing need.”

She headed straight for the bathroom. This pregnancy stuff was an adjustment. At forty-one years old, though, she wasn’t complaining. She was thrilled.

Feeling like a woman well loved, Maggie strolled through the rambling single-story Mission-style home. What a sanctuary Aiden had built overlooking the Pacific Ocean. He had given her full rein to redecorate and add her own imprint, yet she had been so impressed with his taste that very few changes had been made. It was comfortable, beautiful, and welcoming.

She walked through his office to turn off the light at his drafting table. He sometimes left it on, in case he awaked with inspiration. Well, she had some inspiration for him. He thought she wasn’t going to return with pickles and broccoli, huh? Chuckling, she was about to push the base button and cast the room into darkness, when her gaze caught the words written on a piece of scratch paper… He was already starting a new song.

 

Trying to hear my own song

I searched my life for you 

Sweetness of my days 

Goddess of my nights

Angel of my mornings

Now and forever more…

 

She had never told Aiden that Nick had said those words to her. Sweetness of my days, goddess of my nights, angel of my mornings… When he had spoken them tonight, it was then she couldn’t hold back the tears and had finally broken down to release her fear of death. He was writing this one for her, and her heart expanded with awe.

She turned off the lamp and stared out the huge picture window at the ocean. It was as though she had left the light and instantly entered the world of darkness, of the moon casting shadows and stars bursting through the soothing shades of black. She finally could appreciate the beauty of the opposite. The light of the sun creating shadows as it bathed the earth with warmth, and the shadows of the night as the cool light of the moon coaxed them out.

Elthea must love this marriage of opposites.

She thought of the wise woman with a surge of gratitude welling up inside of her for those who came before her and held the light until she, herself, could see. The real illusion was that this moment wasn’t The Garden.

We never left. We’ve just been, well… shitting in paradise.

She burst out laughing and hugged her gently rounded belly. “Welcome, Carolyn…” She chuckled. “This is one heck of a ride, but leave your seat belt unbuckled. You don’t really need it.” Not bad advice, coming from someone who had followed her heart and found an ancient happiness.

Her joy was such that when the tears again entered her eyes, she allowed them without judgment. With a sacred love, her hands began caressing her belly as Aiden had done earlier. The connection was made with her child, and she knew she would be talking to her every chance she got. She wanted to tell her everything she knew. What worked and what was a challenge. She wanted Carolyn to hear soothing music to coax her into life. Her eyes would serve as a mirror to entice her daughter into the sense of beauty. Her hands and nose would reveal the sensuousness of the earth. And her tongue would delight with taste and textures and—

Suddenly, she felt a faint flutter in her belly like butterfly wings and jumped. She also really wanted the ice cream now.

Aiden had said don’t think. Feel. Geez, he was some angel in disguise. If someone had told her her own story, she would have said it was a fairy tale. That it couldn’t be true. But it was… she was living it with a man who was creative and handsome, tough enough to have finished all the carpentry work in the house himself and so talented he played five instruments with passion. He was romantic, bitingly funny, handsomely older than she by eight years, and so full of respect for her he had made her a partner in his company. And he had more integrity than anyone else she had ever met.

Nick certainly wrote himself a great gig this time around.

Aiden was her friend, her lover, her partner. Her twin flame. His light and warmth supported her own flame, and somehow she did the same for him. Now, inside her body, another being was creating itself. If there was one thing she had learned it was not to wait to say anything that was deep within her heart, but to follow it always. Always to live her truth.

It was her first clear communication with her child, and she felt the importance of the moment. Filled with the awe of life, Maggie smiled tenderly and whispered what was in her heart.

“Namaste, sweetie…”

is it

THE END

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