MILO WANTED THE SUN. HE sat huddled, shivering with pain under the skylight of Foom’s sand garden.
This is where you stop to think, Milo Jetstream. Lolita’s gone, Buford’s missing, Atlantis is in danger, Bubba, Raffic and Michael need finding, you got a woman attacked by various assholes, are bound to yet another Djinn, and bandaged up a drug smuggler’s dick. Wheels within wheels takes one person cranking to get it all started. The Mount could’ve just been distraction. You led somebody to Atlantis and Bubba, whoever they are.
It had to be the Thoom. And it had to be vampires.
You got your chocolate in my peanut butter.
You got your peanut butter in my chocolate.
His tongue played with the sharp tip of an incisor.
Milo Jetstream with fangs. That wasn’t something he had ever expected to deal with. It was a definite step down in esteem.
The Thoom and vampires.
Which doesn’t explain everything, he warned himself. Michael’s missing. And your friend is dead and you’re showing no remorse.
Because you know a few things about death.
And we’re about to go chase after Buford.
He played his tongue along the other tooth and massaged his forearm, and said a blessing for the missing:
Forgive us.
~~~
“I’d been looking for Milo Jetstream for four years,” said Smoove. “An ex told me to seek him out.”
“Had she met him?” asked Neon.
“She’d been dead two weeks when she told me. It hadn’t been that serious between us but I tended to crash easily. I was going to sail my boat off the edge of the world. She told me that dragons got fat off fools like me.”
“We’re supposed to believe in ghosts now?” said Neon.
“People ghosts only when they wanna be,” said Smoove.
“So tales of malevolent spirits unable to move on?”
“Bullshit. They were jerks to begin with. They can leave whenever they like. She loved me, though. Her name was Melody.”
“Smoove, is there anyone you haven’t fallen in love with?” asked Fiona.
“Just one. I was born in love with her.” He winked at his wife. “Everything’s real,” he told the assembled. “More or less by degrees.”
“Why don’t you talk about Bigfoot?” asked Yvonne.
He ignored her. “I landed in Hawaii and developed a reputation for calming spirits. Hawaii is full of them. Paradise, man. Nobody leaving there till they got to. I think I’m attuned because I’d never decided not to believe, you feel? I’m not the smartest in the world so I know what I believe isn’t based on serious study, right? But all men have depth sometime. When I finally found Milo I came alive. He kicked my ass real good though. Milo Jetstream don’t like nobody trying to sneak on him.”
“It was one punch, Smoove,” said Fiona. “And he hit you because you startled me.”
He tapped his chest. “Square here. Kind of punch that if you wait a split second it’ll clear your bronchitis before the real pain hits.”
“What were you, a kid?” said Yvonne. It wasn’t hard picturing him as a slender seventeen year old; youthful qualities would dog him forever.
“I’m four hundred-seventy four. Oop, here’s the man now.”
“Ram still with Asme?” asked Milo.
Smoove nodded.
“I think we’re dealing with vampire Thoom,” Milo said. “Gonna get Ram so we can get up to speed.”
He left.
Smoove laid it out. “Three primary groups: Thoom, Buford, vampires. Thoom and Buford can’t stand each other. Vamps just wait in the wings, don’t give a nut one way or the other. Or so it’s been.”
“So it’s seemed,” said Desiree.
“A little extra red dye forty-six just entered the mix,” said Smoove. “You ladies ready for more learning on the fly?”
“Ring the bell,” said Yvonne.
“Beauty, the bell is rung. Let’s hit the plane, luvs.”
He showed them an array of weapons.
“Focum,” he said, holding the pistol up. He set it down.
“Focum-Up,” he said, holding a somewhat larger version. “Ultrasonic paralysis added.” He slid an inlaid case open. “Earpieces. You don’t focum-up without protection. Concussion grenade.”
“Or bounces off somebody’s head real good,” shared Neon.
“Or bounces off somebody’s head. Flash grenade. Smaller and lighter.”
“I don’t see any religious artifacts,” said Yvonne.
Smoove frowned at her. “Who you think spread the notion of crucifixions? Hardly the best way to kill someone but very effective when you want to milk a cow, so to speak.” He wanted to say this next very matter-of-factly, but there are times when lovemaking is simply fucking without the possibility of vice versa. “One of ‘em drank from the Nazarene and opened the door to current mischiefs. We call him The Man. Nobody knows where he is. Nobody.”
“Jesus was real? Not a bumper sticker?” said Yvonne.
“He was the son of a god, let’s put it. Bit of a method actor. Anyway—pain. Babies when they’re teething? That’s what vampires are like. No heaving bosoms or swooning. They’re just as likely to bite the bosom as the neck. Or the elbow. I’ve seen one stuck to a man’s ass like a remora. When you engage one, kick its ass with utter impunity. They tend to fight dirty.”
Yvonne glanced toward the door to make sure Milo wasn’t about to enter. “He’s a vampire.”
“Yes.”
“You seem pretty cool with that.”
“Some of my best friends are vampires.”
“Won’t he change?” asked Neon.
“No.” Without missing a beat Smoove went on: “If you have to kill one, break its neck. They hate that. They’re not immortal. They live about three, four times as long as folks.”
“You said you were four hundred seventy-four,” Neon pointed out.
Smoove: undaunted. “They’re not affected by disease. Have zero tolerance for drugs.” He held up what was clearly a tranquilizer gun. “Crack darts, forty rounds each clip. If one happens to seduce you, they’re sterile to us. Sterile to most themselves too but every once in a while there’s vampire babies. Between births they populate by infection. The smallest nick will start resequencing your DNA quicker than tax evasion. Ms. Du Ikare’s working on a cure. She’s been at it seventeen years.”
“Same age as her son,” said Neon.
“Top o’ your class, girl.”
“Son of a bitch,” muttered Yvonne.
“Top class,” Smoove said again. “But she prefers to be called a secular-vampirist.”
Du Ikare entered quietly, her soft accent preceeding her. “I was bitten two days before delivery.”
“Being around Foom so much,” said Smoove with a smile at his friend, “she has a tendency to know when people are talking about her.”
“He hasn’t shown any signs of vampirism yet,” said Du Ikare. She hooked a thumb at Smoove. “Has he told you the lie about him being four hundred?”
Smoove passed the newcomers tranq guns. “Familiarize yourselves. Then I’ll show you the strong stuff.”
“These are defensive?” asked Yvonne.
“Trust me, you’re not ready to offend. Everything in here is perfectly safe; nothing will fire.”
He and Du Ikare left. They made their way to lower level storage and supplies.
“You’re five hundred if you’re a day,” said Du Ikare.
“Hush, woman.”
~~~
They left that evening, but not to California where most vampires lived.
“What’s the state presidential elections hang on?” responded Ramses to Neon’s query.
“Iowa.”
Dreaded Iowa.
“May I show you a few things before we get there?” Ramses unbuckled and led her aft.
“What about Yvonne?”
Yvonne was in the cockpit with Milo and Fiona.
“I’ve fought alongside her,” said Ramses. “She doesn’t need me. What I’m going to show is going to hurt.”
Neon stopped. “I’ve had enough pain to last.”
He opened a rear cabin door. “Not you. Me.”
In the cockpit Yvonne asked Milo to let her see his teeth.
“You can leave now,” he said.
“They look a little pointy when you talk,” Yvonne said, nodding.
“No they don’t.”
“Were there any vampires on the cruise with us?”
“Just that supermodel.”
“I still like you,” she said.
“Extremely good to know.”
“Ramses is still cuter.”
“It’s that Idris Elba thing,” said Milo.
“Can you pilot anything?”
“No.”
“You’re not really trying to learn in here,” she said. “You’re watching Red like you are but you aren’t.”
Fiona glanced at them. Red?
“He’s smelling your shower gel,” said Yvonne.
“I smell good.”
“I’m not smelling her shower gel.”
“You should be back there with your brother strategizing,” Yvonne said.
“You a pilot?” Milo asked.
“No. Willing to learn though.”
He relinquished his seat with a small flourish, then headed aft to the closed cabin door. He knocked and entered.
Ramses had just had the fye knocked out of him.
Neon whirled and did it to Milo.
His face returned with a completely blank look.
Cool, thought Neon.
“You just slap the fye out of me?” he asked.
“You’re new so it doesn’t last long,” Ramses explained to her.
“Good for you,” said Milo. “That’s not easy to learn.” He backed out to leave them to it.
Neon and Ramses heard the exclamation of pain through the muffling cabin door.