won’t be getting any food if you wake up tonight hungry.’
‘Leave her alone,’ Dad said quietly.
Mum’s lips tightened in displeasure, and she didn’t speak again. As soon as dinner finished, we pushed our chairs away from the table with relief. Mum retreated to the kitchen, clattering and banging emanating, as she washed the dishes and cleaned every surface and cupboard, her coping mechanism when she was angry.
Dad retreated to his home office and did his paperwork, a nightly ritual that meant that we hardly saw him, whether he was home or not. Ali went to his bedroom, and I did the same. When I returned to Sanela’s bedroom to say goodnight, Mum was reading her a story. When Ali and I were small, it was Dad who read to us, putting all his energy into performing the unique characters and sound effects, making us shriek with laughter.
Most nights Mum used to come up too, and she’d sit on the edge of the bed and smile indulgently as she watched us, until eventually she had to call it quits because we kept asking for more books. I used to fall asleep with a smile, my stomach aching from laughter, and a feeling of comfort I could barely remember now.
I returned to my bedroom and read for a little while; before turning off my lamp and going to sleep. I was woken by loud voices. They were fighting again. I crept to my bedroom door and opened it a crack. My parents' bedroom was at the end of the hall and even though their door was closed, their loud voices boomed through the thin plywood and plaster walls.
Sanela’s bedroom was right next to theirs. It was convenient for Mum when Sanela was having an unsettled night, but on nights like these when the house shook with their anger, she was the first one to be disturbed. As I crept through the hallway to Sanela’s room, I heard my parents clearly.
‘None of this would have happened if we didn’t move here,’ Mum shouted.
‘Let it go,’ Dad said. ‘We’re here now and we have to make the best of it.’
‘That’s easy for you to say when you’ve got the best of it,’ Mum said.
When I walked into Sanela’s bedroom, she was already stirring. I picked her up and shushed her.
‘Who’s yelling?’ Sanela murmured sleepily.
‘It’s the neighbours,’ I lied and carried her into the hallway.
Ali was standing in his doorway. I followed him into his bedroom. It was at the opposite end of the hall and the furthest from our parents' bedroom. He’d already pulled out the trundle bed and put bedding on it. I lay down with Sanela in my arms, carefully tucking the doona around us. Ali turned on his iPod, leaving the music low so it muted the shouting.
‘This is all her fault,’ he said in a vicious whisper. ‘Before we found out about her, they never fought.’
‘It’s not her fault that she exists.’ I used to feel the same way before I met Sabiha, but now when I remembered her shell-shocked expression, I felt like I was looking at a mirror. I wondered if she was lying in her bed, staring at the ceiling, feeling like she was being split in two like me.
‘You’re taking her side,’ Ali yelled.
I shushed him and rocked Sanela to soothe her. ‘I’m not taking her side. I’m saying it’s not her fault. She didn’t ask for any of this either,’ I whispered.
‘Have fun with your new sister tomorrow,’ he bitched and turned on his side, making the bed bounce.
As I listened to my parents arguing, I wanted to run into the bedroom and shout ‘Stop please, Mummy and Daddy,’ the way I used to when I was little. I thought I had a magic touch because they’d instantly stop, hug and kiss each other to prove they were okay, before picking me up and squashing me between them.
I’d tried it once with Sanela while we were still living in Hobart. Ali and I’d hid in the hallway and waited for Sanela to jump out and yell out for them to please stop fighting. Our parents became quiet, and I’d thought that it worked, but then Mum called out my name.
‘Take your sister to her room and play with her please,’ Mum said, holding Sanela’s hand.
Mum wouldn’t meet my eyes. That was when I realised that the problems between them weren’t something that would go away with a kiss and a cuddle. These were mammoth arguments, the sort of arguments that tore a family apart.
The house was quiet. They had stopped arguing. I stood and collected Sanela. Ali sat up and yanked the doona from the trundle and threw it on his foot post, before using his foot to push the trundle back under his bed.
By the time I reached the door, he’d turned on his side and was asleep again. After I returned Sanela back to her bed, I was wide awake and feeling peckish. The door across the hallway was open again.
I stepped forward and tugged it closed, averting my eyes. Behind the closed door was the same white Princess bedroom suite as in my bedroom, arranged in exactly the same order like a freaky alternate reality. The empty bedroom remained pristine, perfect and untouched as it waited for its Princess to come and claim it. I prayed that day would never come.
I headed down the stairs and into the kitchen and was about to open the fridge when I heard snoring. I tiptoed into the living room and found Dad sleeping on the couch. This wasn’t good. In the morning, he’d pretend he was watching an overseas soccer or basketball match and fell asleep during the night, an excuse I’d seen through a while ago.
He slept on the uncomfortable couch, rather than the brand-new, never-been-slept-in-bed that was upstairs. Even when Mum’s family visited from Hobart, he’d insisted that I sleep in Sanela’s bedroom so they could have my bed. It was like he was keeping it preserved for the night that Sabiha would decide to sleep over and didn’t want to sully this possibility by re-purposing the bedroom.
I returned up the stairs. It had infuriated me every time I found the bedroom door opened, thinking Sanela was playing inside, until the day I found Dad standing in the open doorway. As I returned to bed, I wondered what he was thinking about as he viewed the empty room.
Was he imagining Sabiha sitting there with him? The conversations they would have as they bridged the years they’d missed out on each other’s lives? I wiped a tear and stared at the ceiling, trying to fall asleep again.
***The next morning, I was at the kitchen table when Dad walked in with his briefcase in hand.
‘Let’s go,’ Dad commanded as I ate my toast for breakfast.
‘But I have to say goodbye to Sanela,’ I said, still feeling hungry.
Dad left the kitchen without replying. I looked at Mum, who shrugged her shoulders helplessly.
‘You’d better go,’ Mum said with a sigh. There were dark circles under her eyes again, witness to a sleepless night.
We were all subdued this morning after last night’s big fight. Even Sanela sensed the tension and retreated to her bedroom before school, giving up watching her morning cartoons on television.
Mum handed me my lunch. ‘Have a good day.’ She kissed me on the cheek, barely touching her lips to my skin, before turning back to the dishes in the sink.
I followed Dad to the car. As he reversed from the driveway, Sanela ran out. I forced a smile and waved through the windshield. Sanela’s hands were formed into fists, her little body stiff as she cried. As we drove I glanced at Dad and saw he was holding back his anger.
‘I made one simple request,’ Dad said when we stopped at a traffic light.
‘I didn’t—’
He put his finger up, showing he wanted me to be quiet. ‘All I asked from you was that you let me be the one to tell your mother about Sabiha.’
‘She saw on—’
He put his finger back up, and I bit back the words trying to escape my throat.
‘I should know better than to get between mother and daughter.’
My appetite faded and I looked out the window to hide my leaking eyes.
Dad pulled up into the medical centre car park. ‘You can walk from here.’ He walked to the door without a backward glance.
I walked to school, feeling off-kilter. The whole day turned to shit before I had a chance to greet it. I looked at my wrist and realised I’d forgotten my watch.
The main street in St Albans was deserted and all the shops closed. It was like I was the last person on earth. Everything looked innocuous, with strips of sunshine decorating the footpath. If this was a horror movie, zombies would come out and start nibbling on my flesh.
The first two periods I was with Sabiha and her friends, but sat at the back of class and remained on the down-low. I spent the day like the invisible girl. When I saw Sabiha in class or in the corridors, she pretended like I wasn’t there and her friends followed her lead, except for the blonde boy. He always looked at me with regret, even mustering a smile once or twice.
I told Mum I had to do research at the library and avoided seeing Dad at the medical centre after school. I didn’t want to face his questioning eyes and have to tell him the truth, that Sabiha was shutting me out just as she did him. Over the next two days, I hung out at the library during lunchtime and began making friends with the chess team.
Who knows how long the standoff would have continued if it wasn’t for Alex Payne and his sparkling smile? It was lunchtime on Friday and I was swapping my books at my locker when I saw Alex walking toward me.
His blue eyes lit up with pleasure. ‘How’s my favourite new girl?’ he asked with a grin.
‘I’m good.’ I grinned back, glad that there were students around watching me having a conversation with a cute guy.
‘What’cha doing now?’ He put his arm on the wall above my head.
I leaned my back against the wall, butterflies jumping in my stomach at his proximity. ‘Going to the library.’ I held up my book bag.
‘What’cha gonna do that for?’ He took the bag and tossed it in my open locker. ‘Let’s enjoy some sunshine.’
My new friends were waiting for me, but my feet had a mind of their own and followed Alex. He put his arm around my shoulders and led me outside. I saw Dina nudging Sabiha. They watched me leaving with Alex, looking confused. I was like one of the cool girls in TV shows with the high school jock on my arm bringing me instant status and popularity.
As we walked, Alex peppered me with questions about where I was from. I blossomed under his attention. There were pounding footsteps behind us and someone called my name. I turned to see Sabiha and Dina running to catch up with us.
‘Where are you off to?’ Dina asked, looking suspiciously from Alex to me.
‘We’re just walking,’ I muttered, wondering why she suddenly cared.
‘That’s right,’ Alex said languidly. ‘We’re enjoying the sunshine.’
With his arms around my shoulders, he went to step around Sabiha and Dina.
‘Off school grounds?’ Dina demanded, while Sabiha stood beside her, her eyes on the ground like she didn’t know where to look.
We were at the side school gate that led to a pedestrian street. I had been caught up in the thrall of Alex’ attention that I hadn’t noticed where we were headed.
‘If you get caught, you’ll be in trouble,’ Dina said.
I stopped walking. I couldn’t get into trouble again. Dad was barely speaking to me now.
‘Anyway, I owe you a tour of the school.’ Dina stepped forward and took my hand, tugging me away from Alex.
‘What’s with the intervention?’ Alex demanded. ‘You jealous?’
‘As if,’ Dina shot off. ‘She’s Sabiha’s—’
‘She’s my relative,’ Sabiha cut in before she finished the sentence, finally looked up and joining in.
Alex looked at me with surprise. ‘Relative?’ he asked.
I said nothing.
‘We’ll finish our walk another time.’ He grinned again and kissed my hand before he sauntered off.
‘What were you doing with him?’ Dina demanded. ‘He’s the biggest sleaze-bag in school.’
‘He helped me on Monday,’ I muttered, thick-headed with confusion. ‘What do you care?’ I asked.
‘He was probably taking you to Blow Job Lane,’ Dina said.
‘What is Blow Job Lane?’ I demanded, my voice breaking.
‘It’s pretty self explanatory,’ Sabiha said wryly, barely glancing in my direction. ‘And Alex is the one who coined the term.’
I looked at Alex as he walked off. Was it true? Did he really have such bad intentions? I couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that the guy who was so sweet to me yesterday could be such a sleaze-bag. I turned to Dina to ask more questions, when her next words stopped me in my tracks.
‘Shit, that was a close call,’ Dina said, wiping her forehead. ‘If you got involved with him Mum would kill me.’
The penny dropped. They didn’t really care about me at all. Dina was just covering her arse.
I was about to leave, when Sabiha’s other friends joined us.
‘So we’re welcoming the prodigal sister into the fold,’ the brown-haired boy said. ‘Introductions are in order. I’m Brian.’ He offered his hand. He looked like he was impersonating a hobo. His hair hadn’t seen a comb in a week and his clothes were creased like he wore them to bed.
I automatically shook hands with him.
‘This is Jesse.’ He jerked his head to the blonde-haired guy wearing daggy jeans, and a worn out t-shirt.
‘And I believe you know Dina.’
I gave Dina a dirty look, still sore that she’d ignored me after our mothers hatched a plan for her to show me around. Dina looked at me with puppy dog brown eyes. She had gold jewellery dangling from almost every part of her body, and shimmered in the sun. I wanted to turn the topic back to Alex and find out what they had against him, but didn’t get a chance.
‘You’re Sabiha’s little sister.’ Brian eyed me as if I was an interesting fossil specimen.
‘Step sister,’ Sabiha snapped.
‘Half sister,’ I corrected. I did a lot of thinking on the subject. It was important to have the correct label for such a situation because I’d be expected to explain it a lot. ‘Same father, different mothers.’
‘We’re not real sisters, though,’ Sabiha said, scoring the first point.
‘Of course not,’ I replied calmly. ‘I already have one of each and don’t need anymore.’ I enjoyed seeing Sabiha’s surprise.
‘Burn,’ Brian interrupted before Sabiha rallied. ‘I see the bitchy gene is hereditary.’
‘Shut up.’ Sabiha pushed him.
Brian dropped his diary, and I automatically bent to pick it up. I paused with an outreached hand when I saw the collage of male movie stars on his cover, most of them bare-chested with their pecs glistening. I slowly handed the diary to Brian.
‘As you can see I’m partial to blondes,’ Brian hammed it up, lisping slightly, confirming my half formed suspicion.
I forced a smile. I’d never known anyone who was gay. A squirmy, uncomfortable feeling squatted in my stomach like I’d witnessed someone picking their nose and didn’t know whether I should acknowledge what I saw, or pretend it never happened.
Sabiha and her friends began walking.
‘Are you coming?’ Brian asked.
Sabiha slowed her steps, waiting for my answer.
‘I’ve got things to do,’ I said.
‘Nonsense,’ Jesse spoke for the first time. ‘We’d be delighted for you to join us.’
I waited to see if Sabiha would protest.
‘Hurry up, I’m starving,’ she snapped over her shoulder.
I guessed that was as good an invitation as I would get. I hesitated, unsure whether I wanted to be a charity case, but in the end my curiosity cinched it. I had to know more about my other sister.
‘We’ll give you a tour of the school,’ Dina said.
We walked through the school grounds and they pointed out buildings. There was an awkward silence between Dina’s commentary, as if no one could think of what to say.
‘I thought they enrolled you at Searers College?’ Dina asked.
‘I was,’ I replied. I’d been practicing my response to this question. ‘But my parents decided it wasn’t the right environment for me. They thought I needed more academic opportunities.’ I breathed a sigh of relief. I’d infused my answer with the right amount of carelessness to forestall future questions.
Dina looked confused. ‘I thought they expelled you,’ she blurted out.
‘Um, well—’ I stuttered. I’d desperately been trying to avoid this. I was embarrassed that they had expelled me, especially under the circumstances. I’d always been the student that teachers pointed to as an exemplary role model, yet somehow I’d gotten caught up in a perfect storm and been tipped out of my school. ‘Yes, I was,’ I admitted, my cheeks flushed.
‘Way to go,’ Brian said, putting his arm around my shoulders.
‘But it’s not a bad thing,’ Dina protested. ‘See.’ She reached into her backpack and pulled out a newspaper article.
I looked away. I hated that article and everything it represented. Everyone huddled around it while I stared off in the distance. After they read it they all looked at me differently, like I did something amazing.
The only person who was unimpressed was Sabiha. ‘Ever heard of the saying, “don’t shit where you eat,’” she said deadpan.
‘I didn’t think you were the type of person who’d side with the uneducated masses,’ Jesse said.
‘I’m not,’ Sabiha looked flustered. ‘But sometimes you have to pick your battles.’
‘And sometimes you have to stand for something.’ Jesse shrugged.
As they went for it, I was a little uneasy. I hated causing friction. ‘I didn’t do it alone,’ I interrupted. ‘A friend helped.’ I was stretching the truth, but it did the trick. The tension between Sabiha and Jesse dissipated.
‘Of course you did,’ Sabiha said. ‘You don’t look like the type who could do anything alone.’
I gasped.
‘What?’ Sabiha snapped when her friends turned accusatory looks toward her. She stormed off in a fury.
‘Sorry,’ Dina muttered and went to catch up with her.
‘Don’t worry,’ Jesse said, putting his hand on my shoulder. ‘She’ll come around. After all, you are sisters.’
I forced a smile and nodded, even though I didn’t believe him. While we were both curious about each other, spending time together was uncomfortable and fraught with tension.
As I continued walking through the school grounds with Brian and Jesse, I wondered what they would think if they knew the true story, the story I’d told no one.