woke feeling blue. As I opened the curtains and looked out at the sunny day, heaviness weighed me down. I returned to bed and watched the sky when my mobile beeped. It was a message from a blocked user. I’d received a photo. I saw a montage of body parts, arms, breast cleavage, a haughty smile. Then it all came together into a clear image. It was one of the striptease photos I’d sent to Alex.
He told me he’d deleted them. He’d promised that he’d never send photos around of his girlfriend. His girlfriend. Oh God, if I was his ex, he’d have every reason to send them. I called him, but his phone rang out. I typed a message with shaking fingers.
AlmaO "You promised you would delete them."
I tried the blocked number, but it went to message bank. My phone beeped. Another photo from a blocked user. I jumped out of bed and dressed myself. I had to see him, make him understand what was at stake. If these photos got out… I had to sit down as a sharp pain cut across my stomach. If they got out, my life was over.
‘I thought you were staying home.’ It surprised mum when I joined them in the kitchen.
‘I remembered I had a test.’ I fidgeted nervously as I waited for Sanela and Ali to finish breakfast.
I planned my entreaties to Alex as Dad drove me. When I got to school, Jesse was sitting on the bench by himself.
‘Are you feeling better today?’ he asked.
I smiled weakly, not commenting. Jesse was wearing a Cheshire grin. ‘You seem happy.’
‘I have a surprise.’ Jesse smiled widely. ‘We have to wait for everyone else and then I’ll bring it out.’
Sabiha arrived and when she heard about the surprise she demanded, ‘tell me, now,’ trying to tickle it out of Jesse.
‘My lips are sealed until Dina comes.’ He fended her off.
‘Dina’s coming?’ I’d expected her to take a few days off with everything that happened.
‘I spoke to her yesterday,’ Sabiha said. She looked at me questioningly.
‘How’s Brian?’ I asked Jesse, turning away from Sabiha’s probing gaze.
‘Here’s Dina?’ Jesse waved her down.
Dina walked toward us slowly, as if she was a hospital patient learning to use her legs again after a broken bone.
‘Hey.’ Sabiha put her arm around Dina’s shoulders and led her to the bench.
‘Now that everyone is here, I can reveal my surprise.’ Jesse rubbed his hands together. ‘Close your eyes.’ There was the shuffling sound of footsteps. ‘And open,’ Jesse shouted a minute later.
I opened my eyes. Brian was standing before us, but it wasn’t a Brian I’d ever seen before. This wasn’t the hobo Brian I’d first met with the un-kept hair and creased clothes, or the Fag Brian with his glittering see through outfits. This Brian was an amalgamation of the two. His hair was slicked back, faint eyeliner and lip-gloss on his lips, and he wore tight jeans and a glittering t-shirt.
‘Surprise,’ he said in a sing-song voice, making jazz hands. ‘I’m back as a student of this illustrious institution.’
‘Get out of here.’ Sabiha shoved him. ‘I thought you said you were never coming back.’
Brian shrugged. ‘My brother Greg let me move in with him as long as I returned to school.’
Dina covered her mouth and sobbed.
‘This wasn’t the reaction I was expecting,’ Brian said dryly.
‘It’s my fault my brother ripped you off. If I hadn’t talked you into moving in with him—’
‘It’s okay.’ Brian hugged her. ‘I’m fine.’
‘But your money,’ Dina cried.
‘Most of that money came from dodgy gains.’ Brian waved his hand.
‘What dodgy gains?’ Sabiha demanded.
‘Omer and I were peddling black market DVDs. Most of the money in my Stash of Cash was from that.’
‘What about your savings?’ Dina asked.
‘I spent all of that on my wardrobe, which I still have. So you see.’ Brian kissed her cheek. ‘I’m all good.’
‘Aren’t you angry with me?’ Dina asked.
‘Why?’ Brian laughed. ‘I had the best month of my life. No rules, no parents, no school.’
‘So it’s a good thing Omer ripped you off.’ Jesse clapped his hand on Brian’s shoulder.
‘I wouldn’t go that far,’ Brian said.
‘I would,’ Jesse said. ‘You were off the rails, man.’
‘And now I’m firmly back on the rails. I have an entire week of detention to make up.’ Brian scrunched his face as if someone shoved dog shit under his nose.
Sabiha and Jesse laughed. Even I broke out in a smile.
‘Poor baby.’ Sabiha patted his cheek. ‘All good things must end.’
I tuned out as they continued their catch up and kept a lookout for Alex.
‘Is everything good?’ Sabiha asked as me as I stared at each school arrival.
‘All good.’ I kept an eye out for Alex’ car.
He hadn’t arrived by the time school began and I dragged myself to class. I saw him in the corridor at recess and fought my way through the crowd. He watched me approach with a smirk, holding his mobile.
My phone beeped. He sent another photo. Beep. Another photo. My vision swam. His smile was predatory, anger still glittering in his eyes. He wasn’t happy I’d dumped him. The corridor cleared, and he waited by the window in front of the stairs, his gaze set on a spot above my head.
‘Please don’t do this,’ I whispered. ‘Please delete the photos.’
He continued looking over my head.
‘Please,’ I begged. ‘Please help me.’
He deigned to look down, tilting his head to look down a nostril. ‘What do I get out of it?’
I traced his face with my eyes, trying to see the boy I fell in love with, the boy I thought I knew. But he was gone. Before me was the guy they warned me about.
‘Where’s the Alex I fell in love with?’ I asked, not able to stop myself.
‘He’s here,’ Alex said.
I waited for compassion to shine through and for him to be the loveable scoundrel with the cheeky smile.
‘He’s there. He’s nowhere.’ He smiled snidely.
I ran into the girls’ toilets before I lost it. My phone rang. My legs collapsed when I saw the image. I was in undies and nothing else, my hands cupping my breasts as I pouted. My hand loosened its grip and my phone clattered to the floor.
‘Alma.’ Sabiha burst through the door. ‘What were you talking to Alex about?’ Seeing me huddled on the floor, her face furrowed in concern. She bent and picked up my phone.
‘Don’t.’ I reached for it, but I was too late.
Sabiha’s mouth gaped open as she looked from the screen and back to me. ‘Who sent you this?’ Her knuckles were white as she gripped the phone.
‘No one.’ I wiped my eyes with toilet paper and forced myself to my feet.
‘Don’t.’ Sabiha rubbed her hand over her face. ‘Please don’t lie to me. Let me help you.’
‘How? By telling Dad?’
‘Maybe,’ Sabiha said. ‘Maybe not. I can’t tell you until I know.’
‘I don’t want your help.’
My phone rang again. I tried to snatch it from Sabiha. She turned her back and stiffened when she opened the message. The fight went out of me and I had to lean against the wall.
Sabiha turned to me. ‘Oh Alma, what did you do?’
I couldn’t keep it together anymore. The pity in her voice undid me. I covered my face with my hands and cried.
Sabiha shuffled closer and hugged me. ‘It will be all right. I promise.’
‘No, it won’t. My life is over.’
‘Snap out of it.’ She shook my shoulders. ‘We’ll figure it out. You just have to trust me.’
Her eyes bored into mine. My gaze slid away.
‘Have I done anything to make you doubt my sincerity to help you,’ she demanded.
‘No,’ I said, but—’ I stopped, scared to put words to the ugly thought in my head.
Sabiha waited, not letting me off the hook.
‘I don’t know if your loyalty to Dad is stronger,’ I finally said. ‘He knows you didn’t sleep over at Dina’s. He knows, but he didn’t call you on the truth.’
‘He does?’ Sabiha was surprised.
I explained how he’d figured it out after our visit to Dina’s.
‘I doubt that I’d get the same free pass.’
‘It’s not because he loves me more or anything like that,’ Sabiha said, verbalising my greatest fear.
I hesitantly met her eyes.
‘It’s because he feels guilty about not being a father to me.’
I didn’t know if I believed her. The way Dad changed when she showed up shook me to the core and made me doubt everything.
‘What can I do to make you trust me?’ she asked.
In the end it wasn’t my change of heart in trusting her that got me talking. It was the fact that I was choking under the weight of all the unsaid words pressing on my chest. I desperately needed a confidante to clear out the poison left by Alex.
We ended up sitting side by side on the floor, our backs against the wall. It was easier to talk without looking at her. I started at the beginning—my first day at school and the first time I met Alex.
As I retraced our relationship I cleared the dark muddled mess in my head. For the first time I was able to look at our relationship and see the truth.
‘He manipulated you,’ Sabiha said after I told her about the first time we were together sexually. ‘He made you feel like you had to prove yourself.’
‘It wasn’t like that,’ I denied, even though a tiny crack had formed in my certainty. ‘He cared for me.’
Sabiha brushed my hair. ‘What happened then?’
As I told her about Brian’s party Sabiha hissed between her teeth.
‘It’s not his fault,’ I jumped in before she could say anything. ‘It was the first anniversary of his little sister’s death?’
Sabiha went still as if she’d stopped breathing.
‘What is it?’
‘Nothing.’ Sabiha refused to meet my eyes.
‘Tell me,’ I shouted.
‘What’s his sister’s name?’
‘Amy.’
‘Shit.’ Sabiha hesitated.
The silence stretched out and I got scared. I knew that Sabiha had something huge to say. I was about to tell her I’d changed my mind when she spoke.
‘His Mum brought her daughter Amy to Dad’s surgery the other day.’
‘Maybe he exaggerated. He said that she had leukaemia.’ I looked at Sabiha hopefully.
Sabiha shook her head. ‘Ear infection.’
I shut down. Everything he said was a lie. Who did I pour out my heart and soul to?
‘How can you be sure?’ I clung to a dying hope.
‘I read the chart,’ Sabiha said.
This was forbidden by Dad, but I knew the impulse. I’d flicked through the charts of my crush in Tasmania until I learnt he had phimosis, condition where his foreskin couldn’t be retracted and he had to be circumcised. He’d told everyone at school he had an ingrown toe nail and I was never able to look at him the same way again.
‘Is Alex the one sending you the photos?’ Sabiha asked when my sobbing subsided.
I nodded. ‘He’s angry that I ended it.’
‘How did he talk you into posing for him?’
I hid my face in my knees. I couldn’t tell her the truth, that I’d been stupid enough to strip off and photograph myself.
‘He’d had plenty of practice talking girls into doing things,’ Sabiha said ruefully.
I lifted my head.
‘No, I wasn’t one of the masses,’ Sabiha said to my questioning look. ‘I was tempted until I saw him chatting up another girl.’
It made me feel better that I wasn’t the only one taken in. ‘I don’t know what I’m going to do. He could send the photos to everyone and if my parents find out—’ I couldn’t even finish the sentence.
I’d never disappointed my parents before I got expelled. I was always the good daughter, the perfect child. I didn’t know how I’d come to this point. During the past few months I’d slowly crossed the line one step at and now I didn’t know who was left.
‘A few months ago I would have looked at a girl like me with disgust and thought she was stupid. I keep thinking if only I could go back, make a different decision, but I don’t know when. When I first came to this school, the first time I caught him out in a lie, the first time he treated me badly.’ I grabbed my hair and yanked at it in chunks, the pain of my strained hair follicles soothing me.
‘The moment you moved, the moment you found out about me,’ Sabiha said.
‘I’ve got no one to blame but myself. I’m the one who made bad choices.’
‘Before me.’ She squeezed my hand when I was about to protest. ‘It’s no secret that since you found out about me my life got better and for all of you it got worse. I was so happy to have a father that I didn’t care what you were going through.’
I’d never considered it from Sabiha’s point of view and thought that she deserved what any other child had. What my siblings and I had all our lives—two parents who loved and were there for us.
‘It’s not your fault. You should have had a father with you as you grew up.’
‘But then we wouldn’t be here.’ Sabiha took my hand and stared ahead. ‘And I wouldn’t have a sister.’
I blinked back tears. I’d been resentful of Sabiha and hadn’t seen that all she’d wanted was to have a normal family with brothers and sisters, something I took for granted.
‘Okay, enough with the maudlin act,’ Sabiha stood and paced.
I stood too, but I was woolly-headed and heavy from crying.
‘What are our options.’ Sabiha counted on her fingers. ‘Tell Dad.’
‘I can’t. He would never forgive me and then there’s the other thing.’ I hesitated. I’d hid the truth for so long, but Sabiha already knew my deepest, darkest secret, she may as well know the rest. ‘My parent’s marriage is in trouble.’
Sabiha looked at me disbelievingly. ‘But they look happy.’
‘Things have been really strained since we—’ I didn’t finish the sentence, not wanting to pile more guilt on her.
‘No wonder you hate me.’
‘I don’t hate you.’
‘How could you not.’ Sabiha brushed her hand quickly across her face, like she was wiping a tear.
I gulped. It was the first time I realised I could hurt her.
‘I thought you guys were like this normal Brady Bunch family.’ Sabiha’s voice trembled with emotion. ‘And by being connected with you I finally had the chance to be normal, and not be the girl from the wrong side of the tracks with the trashy Mum, and now I find out that I was right. That families like that don’t exist outside of TV.’
She sounded cut up. I wanted to comfort her. Give her hope.
‘They do. We did. We used to have family lunches every week rotating at our aunt and uncles house. We went out together for movie nights and Mum and Dad took turns driving us to extracurricular activities so they could spend individual time with us.’
Sabiha listened to her with rapt attention, like I was telling her a fairytale.
‘And then I came along,’ Sabiha said wryly. ‘The wicked witch who wrecked everything.’
‘It wasn’t you. Things just changed. They were both so angry at each other.’ I remembered Mum telling Dad how they couldn’t tell us something. Maybe there was something else going on and it wasn’t all about Sabiha appearing in our lives.
Sabiha took my phone and pressed the buttons, wrenching me out of my musings.
‘What are you doing?’
‘I’m sending these photos to my phone.’
‘Why?’
‘Let’s go.’ Sabiha headed for the door. ‘We’re going to talk to Alex.’
‘No, you can’t.’
‘Why not?’ Sabiha quirked an eyebrow. ‘Can I make it any worse? You said it yourself, it’s only a matter of time before he sends the photos around. Worse case scenario I speed him up.’
‘Okay.’ I was unconvinced.
‘Don’t worry.’ Sabiha patted my hand. ‘I’ve got this.’
‘What’s your plan?’ I demanded as we walked.
‘Shhh.’ Sabiha was staring ahead vacantly. ‘I’m thinking.’
We found Alex at his hangout on the oval. His mates noticed us coming and pointed as we approached. Alex kept his back to us. His disregard was like a physical blow. I slowed and would have backed up, but Sabiha put her arm around my waist and pushed me forward.
Sabiha stopped five metres away from Alex. I looked at the distance between us and Alex in confusion. It was too far away to talk to him. We could only shout. I waited for Sabiha to call his name, but she stood still and stared at his back.
When his mates kept snickering and elbowing each other, Alex turned his head to look at us, his body stiff with irritation. Sabiha still didn’t say anything. Another 30 seconds passed. I waited, feeling like a lifetime passed.
Alex violently turned away from his mates and stalked to us. ‘What?’ he snarled.
‘Give me your phone?’ Sabiha said as if she were asking him to pass the salt at a dinner table.
‘Why?’ Alex did a double-take.
‘There’s some photos on there that don’t belong to you.’
He smirked. ‘They were sent to me, so they’re my property.’
He gave me a lecherous once-over. I would’ve run away, but Sabiha held me. I expected Sabiha to reprimand me or at least give me a dirty look for not setting her straight about the photos, but she just ploughed on as if Alex hadn’t said anything.
‘Give me your phone so I can delete the photos.’
‘Why would I?’ Alex snarled.
‘If you don’t I’ll report you to the police and you’ll be up for child pornography.’
‘No,’ I gasped, grabbing her arm.
Alex smiled. ‘I don’t think your sister is too keen on everyone finding out about her penchant for lingerie.’
I held my sweater tighter across my chest and looked down at the ground.
Sabiha sighed.
I knew I’d let her down by not backing up her bluff, but I couldn’t risk my parents finding out.
‘What does my sister have to do with it?’ Sabiha asked. ‘I’ll be making the complaint to the police about my photos.’
Alex laughed. ‘But they’re not yours.’
‘Who says?’
It was a pleasure to watch him as he worked it through. The resemblance between us was striking in real life, but in the photos my face was in shadow and it was almost impossible to tell the difference.
‘Everyone would think you’re a slut.’
‘As opposed to now thanks to your little prank.’
Alex looked sickly. He was responsible for vandalising Sabiha’s locker and spreading the blowjob gossip. Sabiha was right. Everyone already thought the worse of her. I knew the exact moment when Alex realised he was in a catch 22.
‘I’ll tell them that I was dating Alma,’ Alex threatened.
‘Do you know what happens to 18 year old men who date 15 year old girls?’ Sabiha asked. ‘Do the words child sex offender mean anything?’
‘Fifteen,’ he yelped. ‘But you’re in Year 10.’
‘She was put up a year in primary school,’ Sabiha said, sounding bored. ‘But hey, if you like the thought of being a paedophile…’
Alex looked shell-shocked as he looked from me to Sabiha. He fumbled through his pockets and found his mobile, placing it in Sabiha’s outstretched hand. Sabiha bent her head and pressed his keypad.
‘I can’t believe you lied to me that you were 16,’ Alex said crossly.
‘I can’t believe you lied to me that your sister died.’ I expected him to at least look embarrassed to be caught in a lie, instead he shrugged as if I’d made a comment on the weather.
‘Are there any photos anywhere else?’ Sabiha demanded when she finished.
‘That’s it. I swear.’ He added when Sabiha gave him a disbelieving look.
‘Like your word is worth anything.’ Sabiha handed back the phone. ‘Remember, you do anything with those photos you’re risking jail. A pretty boy like you would do well in there.’ She smiled evilly. ‘I’ll make sure to send you lots of mouthwash.’
Alex snatched his phone back and stalked off.
Sabiha was smiling widely as we walked off. ‘Payback’s a bitch.’
‘What did you do?’
‘I subscribed him to a few extra services.’ She laughed maniacally.
‘I can’t believe your bluff worked.’ I was floating like an untethered balloon caught by the wind. ‘That he believed you would go to the police and complain it was you.’
‘Who said it was a bluff?’ Sabiha said quietly.
I stopped and turned to look at her properly.
‘I meant everything I said. I would have reported him. I have nothing to lose, you do.’
‘But what about Dad? What if he didn’t forgive you?’
‘Then he’s not a real Dad,’ Sabiha said. ‘Because he abandoned me and I forgave him.’
‘But he didn’t know about you.’
‘He’s a doctor and he didn’t notice his wife was pregnant. Either he’s a lousy husband or a lousy doctor. Either way he’s guilty of something and is in no position to judge anyone else.’
It was the first time I’d thought about it in those terms. Dad had always been this mythical, perfect person. When Sabiha came into our lives I’d accepted his version of the story unquestioned. Swallowed it whole like a baby bird receiving its feed.
But after Alex something shifted inside me. I wasn’t a little girl who could accept one side of the story. There were so many things that didn’t add up. Whenever I thought about it my mind shied away like I was stepping around a well. Whatever the story was, my parents weren’t blameless. My conception was too close to Sabiha’s for it not to suggest a suspicious nature of their relationship. I remembered the snatches of conversation I’d heard between them.
‘Affair,’ I muttered, a thought circling my brain, but I couldn’t grab hold of it.
‘You’ve figured it out. Your parents were having an affair when you were conceived.’
Something clicked into place. I remembered the fight I’d overhead, the way they avoided talking about how they met, the whispers in the community after everyone found out about Sabiha.
‘If Dad has a problem with anything you or I do then he’s the biggest hypocrite in the world,’ Sabiha said.
I remembered all the times Dad spoke about doing the right thing, and the whole time he was the worst kind of liar. Any other day I would have been raging at his duplicity, but now I was numb. I wondered if I was being inoculated to finding out people were liars.
‘Anyway, it’s a moot point. Alex won’t be giving you any trouble and Dad will never know.’
I should have been happy about the fact that I’d escaped scot-free and that my parents would never find out, but I wasn’t. I wanted to make Dad feel bad, hurt him like he’d hurt me the past few months. Then I remembered Mum and the desire retreated.
I spent the rest of the school day in a daze. I glimpsed Alex once more in the corridors between classes, but he ignored me. I couldn’t believe that a few days ago he was the boy I thought I’d lose my virginity to and now he was somebody I used to know.
After school Jesse asked to speak to Sabiha alone. Dina was picked up by her parents and it was only Brian and me.
‘Ah, young love,’ Brian sighed, his hand on his forehead like he was swooning.
‘What’s that about?’ I asked.
‘I told Jesse about her heroic deeds with Alex,’ Brian said as we watched them.
I told Brian and Dina the abbreviated version about what happened with Alex at lunchtime. I didn’t want Dina and Sabiha’s friendship to be affected because of my secret, and I gave Brian the okay to tell Jesse who wasn’t there.
‘So?’ I asked.
Jesse kissed Sabiha.
‘I guess he’s decided she’s worthy of his affections again,’ Brian said.
A few minutes later they parted, lingering as they held hands. Brian and Jesse went one way down Main Road, and Sabiha and I another.
Sabiha smiled dreamily as she walked.
‘That was weird. You and Jesse getting together like that.’
‘Not really,’ Sabiha said. ‘It’s take two. The first time I fucked it up, but this time I know how lucky I am. How are you doing?’
She let me vent my anger about Alex’ duplicity. It was such a relief to be able to have to unload.
‘Call me when you get home,’ she said as she left me at Dad’s medical centre. ‘You need to let all this poison out so it doesn’t fester.’
‘I can’t do that,’ I said. ‘I’m talking your ear off about this crap.’
‘That’s what sisters are for.’ Sabiha waved and walked away.