girl’s toilets doing my morning makeover and changing out of the jeans and top I’d left the house in, and into a denim skirt and red silk top I’d hidden in my backpack.
I should have been exhausted. I didn’t fall asleep until 3 o’clock in the morning, but I was invigorated, my whole body alive. Alex had sent me a message as I was leaving home.
AlexP “Can’t wait to see what sexy outfit you’ll be wearing today.”
I’d altered my top by snipping at the v-neck to make my cleavage stand out more. I checked myself out in the mirror above the sinks. It was such a bummer there was no full-length mirror, so I had to stand on my tiptoes to see as much of my outfit as possible.
‘Who are you dressing up for?’ Sabiha asked wryly. Now that Brian wasn’t coming to school, she’d reverted to her butch ways, even forfeiting lip gloss.
I was struck mute, my blush a dead giveaway.
‘Who says she’s dressing up for anyone else?’ Dina answered for me. She was also changing into another outfit and putting on makeup. ‘Some of us just like to look good.’
‘You mean some of you are vain and shallow,’ Sabiha countered.
‘Ha, ha.’ Dina fake laughed. ‘Says the girl who gets mistaken for a lesbian daily.’
‘Fuck you,’ Sabiha snapped and stormed out of the toilet.
Dina and I met each other’s eyes in the mirror and giggled helplessly. When we exited the bathroom, Sabiha was moodily staring out the window.
‘You know I love you,’ Dina said to Sabiha, giving her a bear hug.
‘Suck up.’ Sabiha smiled.
As we walked down the corridor to class, I saw Alex standing on the side, scanning the crowd. He saw me and mimed there was exploding mine in his hands, flailing as if he would fall down. I grinned and looked over my shoulder as I passed to see him checking out my arse. There was a spring in my step as we continued walking.
‘We should go visit Brian tonight. Help him settle into his new place,’ Dina said.
‘Can’t.’ Sabiha looked pained at missing out. ‘I’m working for Dad.’
I stifled a smile. It was her first day of the job and she’d been pumping me for information about how everything worked and diligently took notes. I thought she’d only cared for the money, but all her questions were about Dad wanted things done and I’d realised how desperate she was to impress him.
‘What about you?’ Dina turned to me.
‘No, I can’t.’ I automatically refused. I only visited friends’ houses that Mum knew about.
‘Why not?’ Dina said. ‘Aren’t you supposed to be hanging around until your Dad finishes, anyway?’
I nodded. Thursday night’s Ali did karate, so I had to stay at Dad’s and go home with him.
‘Say you’re going to the library with me. My brother will drop you off afterward,’ Dina said.
I was stunned speechless. It had never occurred to me to defy my parents and lie to them about my whereabouts. I was always mindful of doing the right thing, respecting my parents, and living up to their expectations of me.
‘I don’t think that’s a good idea,’ Sabiha said. ‘Dad is old school.’
Dina looked at her with surprise. ‘Since when do you advocate respecting parental authority?’
Sabiha visibly squirmed, uncomfortable at being caught out as a hypocrite.
‘I’ll come.’ I made the snap decision, my primary motivation wanting to get at Sabiha.
‘Good.’ Dina put her arm around my shoulders. ‘And you can cover for us,’ she told Sabiha. ‘If her “old school” Dad twigs onto something, you give us the heads up.’
I gained satisfaction from Sabiha’s stony face, then had a moment of disquiet. I’d never flouted my parent’s rules like this, but why should I be missing out on all the fun? It wasn’t as if I was scoring any brownie points in being the dutiful daughter. It even seemed that Sabiha was benefitting by getting into trouble and getting Dad’s undivided attention.
I called Mum and got permission to stay at the public library near Dad’s work to do my homework. During recess, I ducked into the toilets and sent Alex a text message.
Alma: ‘Can’t chat tonight. Going to Brian’s.’
My phone beeped. I looked down and read.
Alex: ‘Ok.’
His matter of fact reply left me let down. I thought he’d at least suggest we try to meet up.
At the end of school, we parted company at the school gates. Sabiha turned left toward St Albans centre, while Dina and I turned right. The thrill of doing something illicit made the adrenaline surge through my body. I skipped to expand my energy.
‘Where are you going, Bunny?’ Dina laughed and ran to catch up to me.
‘I’m so excited.’ I spread my arms wide.
‘Gees, you don’t get out much.’
Dina said it as a joke, but it cut through me. ‘No, no, I don’t,’ I said soberly, realising my parents controlled so much of my life.
‘Don’t worry.’ Dina grabbed my hand and skipped with me. ‘You’ve got me to corrupt you.’
We got to Brian’s house out of breath and laughing maniacally.
‘Welcome to my humble abode,’ Brian said as he opened the front door. He bent over at the waist and extended his arm in an invitation for us to enter.
Dina pushed past him, and I followed, taking in every detail. The house was weatherboard and the walls inside were scuffed and smudged, as if a thousand handprints had marked them. Our footsteps echoed on the hallway floorboards. When we entered the living room I examined the matted sofa only to gasp when I saw Alex sitting on it.
He gave me a grin as he lifted a beer bottle. ‘Well, hello,’ he said, imbuing his voice with surprise. ‘Fancy meeting you here.’
‘Who invited the riff raff?’ Dina threw herself on the beanbag.
‘Settle.’ Omer tapped his cigarette on the full ashtray. ‘Alex is a mate.’
Dina rolled her eyes, but refrained from further comment. After Brian gave me a tour of the house, we went back to the living room. Brian sat next to Omer, leaving me to sit in the only spot available—next to Alex.
‘Now that everyone is here, we can start the party.’ Omer pulled out a cigarette from his pocket. Everyone cheered.
I wondered what the big deal was. It was only a cigarette.
Omer lit up and took a deep breath. ‘This is top shit.’ He passed it to Brian.
As Brian took a drag, I twigged. I looked around the circle. Everyone was smiling as they waited their turn. When Dina took a drag, I got panicky. What was I going to do when they passed it to me? I wanted to be cool and blend in with everyone, but Mum was a nurse, and Dad a doctor. I’d listened to hundreds of stories about medical emergencies that resulted from illegal drugs, not to mention the constant warnings that my parents knew all the signs of intoxication.
Dina passed the joint to Alex, who took a deep breath and let out a blissful smile as he exhaled. ‘None for you, young lady.’ He leaned over my lap and passed the joint back to Omer.
He was treating me like a child. I was about to demand a drag when he squeezed my thigh and winked. He was looking out for me. He must have noticed my panic, and he’d given me an out. I smiled tremulously in reply. As the drugs took hold, everyone descended into hilarity. I leaned back on the sofa and watched, feeling like I was an anthropologist studying a newly discovered tribe.
‘How can you be sure you’re a fag?’ Omer asked Brian. ‘Play both teams before you can decide.’
‘I have,’ Brian said, taking another puff.
‘Really,’ Omer stirred. ‘You’ve been with a girl?’
‘You bet I have.’ Brian smirked.
‘If she’s a dog, it doesn’t count,’ Omer said.
‘Sabiha isn’t a dog,’ Dina cut in.
‘You fucked Sabiha.’ Omer hooted, slapping his knee.
I looked at Brian with surprise. I knew something wonky happened between them, but I didn’t think they’d had sex.
‘I didn’t fuck her.’ Brian gave Dina a dirty look.
‘Then it doesn’t count,’ Omer said flatly. ‘Only if you did the full deed.’
‘They did—’ Dina started.
‘Shut up.’ Brian threw a cushion at her. ‘Sabiha will kill you if she finds out you blabbed.’
Dina sobered up for a second, realising his threat wasn’t without merit.
I was sorry Dina hadn’t finished.
‘I wonder what they did.’ Alex whispered in my ear. ‘First or second base.’
I screwed up my face. I was equally curious and disgusted.
‘It must be gross thinking about your sister’s sex life.’ Alex smiled.
I nodded.
The toke passed to him again. He took another drag. ‘That’s it for me. I’ve got plans tonight.’ He leaned next to me so that our shoulders were touching. ‘How’s your first week as the new student been?’
This was the first time he’d asked me a serious question. Usually we flirted madly on-line, keeping it light and fun. He’d become my soft place to fall. I wondered if he was really interested or if he was making small talk. I was going to give him the usual response about being glad that I had new friends, but something about the way he was intently watching me, like he was interested in every word, made me stop.
‘Weird,’ I ended up saying instead.
‘It’s not everyday you find out you’ve got a long-lost-sister,’ Alex said.
He got it. He really understood what it was like. My words cascaded like a dam that burst its banks. I told him all about what had happened since I began school. About the way I would sometimes look at Sabiha and get the strangest feeling of déjà vu, as if I was looking at myself in the mirror. About how, when I watched Dad and Sabiha, I wondered if he would ever look at me like that again. And about how my parents’ marriage was strained with them acting like strangers.
And as each shameful confession burst out of me, Alex listened. He maintained eye contact and made me feel like the most important person in the world. I cut off mid-sentence as Omer’s raucous story got everyone screaming with laughter.
‘I can’t believe you did that.’ Brian laughed so hard he fell off the sofa, setting them off again.
‘Let’s find somewhere where we can talk.’ Alex went to Brian’s bedroom door and held it open for me.
Before I entered, I hesitated. I wanted to go in and be alone with him, have the chance to put some of our flirtation into practice, but now all I could see was the enormous bed and the possibilities it suggested. I remembered the way he’d made me feel the last time we’d talked, and the way I’d touched myself under the cover of night and blushed from excruciating embarrassment.
I looked at Alex. He was watching me with a smile, patiently waiting for me. Laughter boomed from the living room behind us, reassuring me I had nothing to fear. The house was full of people. Feeling sheepish, I sat on the bed, and Alex sat beside me, leaving a comfortable margin of space between us. I tugged my skirt past my knees. Everything had been easy in the living room, but now an awkwardness had descended.
‘Anyway, I’ve talked enough.’ I forced a laugh. ‘Have you got any siblings?’
‘Kind of.’ Alex looked down at the floor as he bunched up the bedding in his hands. ‘A little sister Amy.’
I was caught up on the words kind of, but before I had the chance to ask, he continued.
‘It would have been her eighth birthday next month.’ He gulped. ‘She had leukaemia.’
‘I’m sorry.’ I grabbed hold of his hand and rubbed his back with my other hand.
‘Thanks. I get what you’re going through.’ His lips formed into an imitation of a smile. ‘I’ve been going through a hard time too.’
‘What was she like?’ I leaned on his shoulder and half hugged him.
‘She was like most little sisters, a pest.’ He laughed. ‘She was a great kid, though. Anyway, things have been tough at home since it happened. My parents aren’t doing well.’ He wiped his face with his hands and tenderness filled me. ‘She was Daddy’s little girl and since she’s been gone, he’s checked out. He’s either at the pub or if he’s at home he’s drinking in his man shed.’ He stared blankly at the wall in front of us. ‘We used to be like mates–going to the footy every week to watch the Doggies, but now he’s missing in action.’
‘I’m sure he’ll come back to you.’ I rubbed his back.
He put his arm around my shoulders, and we hugged. It was a while before I noticed the hug had changed from mere comfort to something more. I realised I was in a bedroom alone with a boy. That I was sitting on a bed alone with a boy. That I was hugging a boy while sitting alone on a bed with him. What if he’d assumed that by coming into the bedroom, I was agreeing to something?
‘Anyway, you probably want to leave now.’ He turned away from me and rubbed his eyes.
My stomach sank. He was crying. I’d underestimated him. Damn, why did I over think things? Of course, he wasn’t making underhanded plans.
My hands cupped his shoulders. ‘It’s going to be all right.’
He didn’t turn toward me. I’d ruined it. I’d had a nice guy, someone who got me and I could talk to, and I let suspicion get between us.
‘Thank you.’ Alex covered my hand with his. ‘I’ve got no one else to talk about this stuff. My mates aren’t the sensitive type and my ex ran off when things got too heavy with Amy.’
‘I’m not going anywhere.’ I squeezed his hand and waited.
He turned around after a few moments. ‘I’m sorry about that.’
‘It’s okay.’
Our eyes caught, and the moment softened, changed into something else. He nudged his head forward, slowly, looking from my lips and back to my eyes again. I knew he was going to kiss me. I had time to process his intent as his head slowly descended. By the time his lips touched mine, I was breathless with anticipation.
At first I was stiff and nervous, wondering if I was doing it right. I kept wondering if my mouth was open too much, did I use too much tongue? The boys I’d kissed before were my age, but Alex was older, sophisticated and I was being measured against all the girls that came before.
He knew what he was doing and soon enough, the sensation of our mouths melding together set off delightful explosions in my body. As we kissed, he kept his hands on the bed beside me, our lips the only things touching. He was letting me set the pace. When my body was too weak to hold myself, I put my hands on his shoulder and leaned into him. I was awash with sensation. My lips tingling, my skin supersensitive as he put his hands on my waist. I lost time and the next thing I knew, his hand was under my top, cupping my breast. I broke the kiss.
‘Are you okay?’ His lips moved to my neck.
Trying to work through an answer to his question, I stared up at the ceiling. I’d never gone to second base with a boy. I didn’t know if I wanted to stay or go.
Alex stopped kissing me and looked at me. His face tightened at whatever he saw there and he removed his hand.
I tugged my top down, feeling self-conscious.
‘You can go,’ he said tonelessly.
I looked at the door. All I had to do was stand up and take two steps. Two steps and I’d be out of this excruciatingly embarrassing situation. Two steps and Alex would go from my future to my past. I realised I had the answer to his question.
‘I’m okay.’ I leaned over and kissed him.
‘Really?’ His arms wrapped around me.
‘Really,’ I whispered against his lips.
His hand went under my top, and he caressed my bare back. Tingles followed. He took control of the kiss and went back on top. His hand moved to my breast again, and I stopped thinking.
My vision became blurry, and I wanted to be closer, to merge my body with his. He flipped me on top of him and cupped my bottom. Then he put his hand between my legs. Before I protested, he’d removed his hand, and I relaxed back into the kiss.
He moved my hand down. It took me a moment to process that he’d placed it on his penis. I froze and came out of my trance. I hesitated, surprised at the softness of his skin, before turning my head.
‘I think we need to stop.’
‘Come back.’ Alex lifted his head and tried to kiss me, but I moved away.
‘No.’ I lifted myself off him.
‘I thought we were having a good time.’ Alex followed me to the edge of the bed and brushed my hair away from my face before leaning in.
I moved away. ‘We were.’ I buttoned my shirt. ‘But things are going too fast.’
Alex lay on the bed and groaned. ‘So. You’re a girl, I’m a guy. We’re alone with a bed. This is what we’re supposed to do.’
‘Maybe, but I’m not ready.’ I stood and tucked my top in my pants.
‘I am.’ Alex took a condom out of his pocket.
I looked away, my cheeks flushing with embarrassment.
‘Are you blushing?’ Alex peered at me. ‘Most sixteen year old girls have seen a condom before.’
I jerked my head to look at him. He didn’t know that I had just turned fifteen, and I had to keep it that way.
‘Shit, are you a virgin?’ he whispered the last word like it was a disease.
I stared at him like a deer in headlights.
‘You are.’ He laughed.
My eyes filled with tears, and I grabbed the door handle.
‘Don’t.’ Alex stood and put his hands on my shoulders. When I kept tugging the door handle, he hugged me, pulling me against him. ‘I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to laugh. I’m just surprised.’
He turned my reluctant body until I was facing him. ‘Of course you want things to be special. We’ll take it easy.’ He put his hand under my chin.
I kept my eyes on the wall beside us as he lifted my head.
‘And when the time is right, we’ll take that step. I’m falling for you.’ He tucked my hair behind my ear.
My eyes snapped to his.
‘I want you to be my girlfriend.’
I gaped in shock.
‘Don’t you want that?’ His voice hurt when the silence stretched out too long.
‘Of course I do.’
‘Good.’ He smiled gently and kissed me.
I kissed him back, but I wasn’t able to let go. My brain was in overdrive as I tried to process what had happened. I now had a boyfriend.
‘We can’t tell anyone,’ I said when he broke the kiss. ‘No one can know that we’re together. If it gets back to my Dad—’
‘Of course.’ He rubbed my shoulders. ‘We’ll keep it on the down-low.’
‘We can’t be together at school.’
‘But we can be together after school.’ He smiled.
I fake smiled, not knowing how to let him know that this event, me coming to Brian’s house instead of being at Dad’s surgery, was an aberration, a one-off event that would be impossible to replicate. ‘I usually get to school really early,’ I said hopefully.
‘How early?’
‘Eight o’clock.’
He winced.
‘I’d better get going.’ I lifted my hand awkwardly toward the door.
‘When can I see you?’ Alex asked as I headed toward the door. ‘Omer’s lent me his spare keys.’
‘I don’t know.’ I stalled.
‘Please.’ He bent and kissed my cheek before returning to my lips. ‘Don’t keep me hanging.’
‘I’ll text you.’ I opened the door.
‘You go first,’ Alex said. ‘I’ll be out in a minute.
I ducked into the bathroom to put on the jeans and t-shirt I’d left home in this morning. As I packed my trampy clothes in my bag, I caught a whiff of cigarettes. I’d have to put them straight in the washing machine so Mum didn’t touch them.
When I got out, Jesse was in the hallway. ‘I didn’t know you were coming?’ I said with surprise.
‘I had a few things to do after school,’ Jesse said.
Dina entered the hallway. ‘I was wondering where you disappeared to.’ She looked at me.
‘I’m right here,’ I said.
‘Oh.’ Dina looked confused. ‘Oh,’ she said again suggestively when she saw Jesse.
Omer called her and she returned to the living room, a concerned look passing over her face as she left.
‘So,’ Jesse said.
‘I’m leaving.’ I gestured to the front door.
‘Me too,’ Jesse said.
‘You just arrived.’
‘The interesting people are leaving. And anyway, this isn’t my kind of party,’ Jesse said ruefully, peering into the living room. ‘See you tomorrow.’ He closed the door behind himself.
I entered the living room. ‘I have to go.’ When Dina didn’t respond, I kicked the beanbag.
‘Already?’ Dina threw herself backward and looked at me upside down from bloodshot eyes. ‘Shit!’ Dina fought her way out of the beanbag. She walked to Omer who was dozing on the couch. ‘Come on.’ She slapped his arm. ‘Drive us.’
‘Is that a good idea?’ I asked. ‘We could get into a car accident.’
‘Nah.’ Dina waved her hand. ‘He’s used to it.’
I didn’t find her statement reassuring, but I didn’t have a choice. If I walked, I’d be late and raise Dad’s suspicions.
Dina made Omer a coffee. ‘We’ll leave in a minute,’ Dina said, as I nervously paced.
I looked at the time on my mobile and bit my nails. I glanced at Brian’s bedroom door and wondered if Alex had already left without saying goodbye. Omer slugged back the last of the coffee and grimaced. He picked up his keys, and we went to the hallway.
Alex exited Brian’s room, looking relaxed.
‘Did you rub one out in there?’ Brian demanded.
Alex shrugged ruefully.
‘Tell me you didn’t stain my bedspread.’ Brian pushed past him and examined the room. ‘Payne!’ he yelled with outrage.
‘And that’s my cue to leave.’ Alex ran through the front door.
I blushed with embarrassment, feeling like what we did together was a seamy postscript. As I got into the backseat of Omer’s car, Alex was halfway down the block. Omer drove fast. I kept seeing images of his car wrapped around an electricity pylon featured in news footage. Either way, I’d be dead. If the accident didn’t kill me, my parents would. Omer stopped with screeching tyres a few shops up from Dad’s medical centre.
I went to get out, but thought better of it. ‘Listen.’ I put my hand on Dina’s shoulder. ‘There’s no need to tell Sabiha about me talking to Alex or all the other stuff that happened.’
Dina turned a blank face toward me.
I mimed smoking.
‘Oh.’ Dina nodded. ‘So you don’t want me to mention Jesse either?’
I nodded, realising Dina didn’t know I’d been alone with Alex.
Dina nodded and turned to the front.
I entered the medical centre and headed straight for the kitchen. I was pouring myself a glass of water when Sabiha walked in and closed the door.
‘You’re cutting it fine,’ she said.
I gulped the whole glass before answering. ‘Does he suspect anything?’
‘No. He asked me to go see how you were doing half an hour back and I “pretended” to check on you. By the way, you were having trouble with the photocopier.’ Sabiha sat on the kitchen counter.
‘Thanks.’ I wiped my mouth with my hand, then stopped, horror stricken when I remembered I’d touched a penis. I poured hand-wash lotion and scrubbed it under the tap.
‘He’s a really dedicated Dad.’
‘What do you mean?’ I dried my hand with a paper towel.
‘I mean, he’s thinking of you the whole time, even when you’re not here.’ Sabiha sounded confused, as if this was a strange phenomenon she hadn’t encountered before.
‘So what?’ I threw the paper towel in the bin and sat on the couch.
‘You take it all for granted.’ Sabiha’s face was screwed up with disappointment, as if I had committed a grievous crime.
‘He’s your Dad too.’ I wanted Sabiha to shut up and give me some time to process what happened with Alex.
‘Not really,’ Sabiha said, but I had stopped listening.
Would Alex think I was a slut now because I’d let him touch me? We’d gone way past what I’d thought I would do with a guy, and now I was feeling embarrassed and uncomfortable at the thought of seeing him again.
‘You ready?’ Dad asked from the doorway.
I nodded.
‘Did you get your assignment done?’ Dad asked as I walked past him.
‘Just have to type it.’ I could buy myself more computer time to chat with Alex.
Sabiha and I waited by Dad’s car while he turned off all the lights.
‘What did you guys do at Brian’s?’ Sabiha asked abruptly.
‘Nothing.’ I didn’t want to tell Sabiha about the joint. I didn’t know what her moral compass was with those things. ‘We hung out and talked.’
‘Sounds like you’re hiding something.’ Sabiha demanded.
I shifted nervously away from her. ‘Why would you think that?’
Dad saved me from further interrogation. He pressed the car alarm. Sabiha and I reached for the passenger car handle. I hesitated and Sabiha opened the door.
‘You’re getting dropped off first,’ I said. ‘So you should sit in the back.’
Sabiha gave me a stricken look and sullenly passed by to sit in the back. I sat down next to Dad, enjoying the triumph of winning.