the happy feeling inside me, like a secret I was hiding from everyone, not knowing that the bubble would burst within a few hours. It all fell apart during lunch.
We were waiting in the canteen line. Brian was wearing yet another provocative outfit. It was like he didn’t want anyone to forget for even a minute that he was gay. Today he was wearing a see-through mesh top and skin-tight leather pants, with the zipper area diamante studded.
He’d already received two warnings and detention. The school tried calling home, but his parents didn’t care. The teachers were at a loss. They didn’t know what to do with a kid who didn’t fear consequences.
Being in Brian’s presence meant being the centre of attention and we’d all taken care with our appearance. Dina and I brought our outfits to school and changed in the female toilets, with Brian doing our make up.
Sabiha was the only one who had the freedom to leave the house as she pleased and instead of taking advantage, her only concession to beautifying herself was a slash of lip gloss and mascara.
I wore black lycra figure-hugging tights. I’d wanted to wear a skirt over them, but Brian demanded I take it off. I’d given in without a murmur, feeling trepidation and excitement as I walked out of the safety of the girl’s toilets. Soon enough, my trepidation faded when I was bathed in the warm approval of guys checking me out as I passed.
Alex walked past me and slipped a note in my hand.
I was waiting on-line for you yesterday.
I glanced over my shoulder and caught him checking me out. He’d included his mobile number. I sent him a SMS message that I’d be on-line tonight, feeling a delicious thrill as I pressed send.
‘Aren’t you supposed to be in detention?’ Dina asked Brian.
‘That’s right.’ Brian giggled. ‘But I have plans.’
‘Pimping yourself out to bitches who will make fun of you tomorrow,’ Dina said.
Brian spent recess continuing his Queer Eye Makeovers and Dina was getting progressively more pissed off as each girl emerged with her new look.
‘I’m guessing you’re feeling neglected.’ Brian hugged her. ‘I can make you look fabulous. A few snips here.’ He grabbed her hair and made scissors with his fingers. ‘And you’d look like a dyke.’
‘Shut up.’ Dina pushed him away and laughed.
‘Where’s Jesse?’ I asked.
Sabiha looked at me with suspicion.
‘He’s doing his comic book thing with Charlie,’ Brian said. ‘I don’t know what I’m going to do,’ he sighed heavily. ‘I can’t live off Jesse forever.’
‘What about Greg?’ Dina asked. ‘You said he’d take you in.’
Greg was Brian’s older brother. He was in his last year of uni and had offered Brian a room in his share house.
Brian shrugged, saying nothing.
‘Brian!’ Dina demanded. ‘What happened?’
‘Nothing.’ He held out his hands straight, the same way Sanela did when she was lying.
‘What did you do?’ I asked, mimicking the tone of voice I’d use on Sanela in the same situation.
Dina and Sabiha looked at me with surprise, but kept quiet. They turned back to Brian.
‘We had a fight.’ Brian looked at the ground. ‘He wasn’t happy that I came out to my parents. He said I broke Mum’s heart.’
‘Aha.’ I made a go on gesture.
He gesticulated with his arms. ‘And he had an entire list of rules for me moving in, like how I had to dress and what grades I had to get. It was worse than a Siberian camp.’
‘So?’ Dina said. ‘You had to follow rules when you lived at home.’
‘Exactly.’ Brian gestured with his hands. ‘And I couldn’t take it anymore. This is the first time in my life that I’ve been free to be myself. And I’m not giving that up for anyone,’ he said fiercely.
‘That still doesn’t change the fact that you can’t stay at Jesse’s forever,’ Dina said pragmatically.
‘Maybe you could get your own place,’ Sabiha said.
‘He’d have to pay the first month’s rent and a deposit. It’s at least $2,000. My brother is looking for a house to rent,’ Dina elaborated when she saw our questioning looks.
‘That’s not a problem,’ Brian said. ‘I was saving for a car. The issue is I’d have to get a job so I can pay the rent.’
‘You should work as a hairdresser,’ I said.
‘I’d have to do an apprenticeship,’ Brian said.
‘Then you’d have to leave school.’ Dina was horrified at the possibility.
‘So.’ Brian shrugged. ‘It’s not as if there’s anything holding me there.’
‘What about us?’ Dina argued.
‘We’d still see each other,’ Brian said.
‘Yeah, right.’ Dina looked dejected and shuffled her feet as she moved in line before she halted. Her face cleared, and she smiled. ‘I have to make a phone call.’ She thrust her money into Sabiha’s hand and told her what to order, before breaking out of the line.
‘Who are you calling?’ Brian shouted as she ran off, but she lifted her hand to wave without stopping.
As we walked out of the canteen after ordering, Rodney detached himself from his group and headed toward Brian. ‘Fucking faggot,’ Rodney said, hunching over Brian.
Brian showed no fear. He looked up at him with a smirk. ‘Be careful, you might catch my gay germs.’ He breathed out with each word, blowing his breath into Rodney’s face.
Rodney wiped himself and shoved Brian, sending him backward to land hard on the ground. He went to follow up with a kick, but Sabiha picked up a rubbish bin and threw it at Rodney, hitting him in the side and making the rubbish paper float around him like confetti.
‘Fucking bitch.’ Rodney headed for Sabiha.
‘Let’s see how tough you are hitting a girl,’ Sabiha shouted, not moving as he got closer.
The crowd pushed me in front of Rodney. I looked up at him and clenched in fear, trying to make myself as small as possible. Rodney gave me a quick once over as he nudged me out of the way.
As Rodney continued toward Sabiha, Brian threw himself forward and grabbed Rodney’s feet, making him topple to the ground. Rodney turned around and tried to hit Brian, but Sabiha threw herself forward and grabbed his arm, pinning him under her body. They all writhed on the ground, Brian and Sabiha grabbing an errant arm or leg as Rodney attempted to punch or kick.
A crowd gathered. I wanted to jump in and help, but I was scared. Things were finally good with Dad. If I got in trouble, he’d be angry with me again. While I was debating, Mr Sheen came on the scene.
‘Nothing to see here,’ Mr Sheen said firmly, throwing himself into the melee, he pulled Sabiha to her feet first. ‘Enough!’ he shouted, forcing them to stop moving.
Rodney and Brian stood.
‘What happened here?’ Mr Sheen asked.
‘He attacked Brian—’ Sabiha said.
‘The fucking fagot—’ Rodney said at the same time.
‘Enough.’ Mr Sheen shut them both down. ‘What do you have to say for yourself, Brian?’
‘He owes me twenty bucks for ruining my shirt.’ Brian held up his top and poked a finger through the tear.
‘You were due in detention fifteen minutes ago,’ Mr Sheen said.
‘This isn’t Brian’s fault,’ Sabiha interrupted. ‘Rodney attacked him. Brian was only defending himself.’
Rodney slouched and said nothing.
‘Brian, you’ve been told that you attire is unsuitable for school—’ Mr Sheen said.
‘According to the straight police,’ Brian replied.
‘We are enforcing the school standards. Girls are not allowed to wear see-through clothes, so why should you receive any exemptions?’ Mr Sheen asked.
‘You’re being a homophobe. This entire school is homophobic,’ Sabiha shouted, looking at the crowd that was still lingering in the vicinity.
‘This doesn’t concern you, Sabiha,’ Mr Sheen said. ‘Move on.’
I tried to drag her away, but this incensed Sabiha more.
‘I’m not going anywhere,’ Sabiha shouted.
‘I don’t have to take this shit.’ Brian headed toward the front gates. ‘I’m out of here.’
‘Come back here this instant,’ Mr Sheen shouted.
Brian lifted his middle finger in reply.
‘You’re suspended,’ Mr Sheen shouted.
Brian didn’t slow down his pace.
Mr Sheen turned back. ‘You two are going to see the principal.’ He grabbed Rodney and Sabiha’s arm and tugged them along.
Dina appeared at my side as Mr Sheen left.
‘Shouldn’t we go help Sabiha?’ I asked, after I caught Dina up.
‘She’ll be fine,’ Dina said dismissively. ‘Sabiha will find a loophole.’ She pulled out her mobile.
‘Who are you calling?’ I asked.
‘Brian.’ Dina frowned, as if I was asking a stupid question. ‘If he doesn’t come back, he’ll be out of school for good.’ The phone rang and then re-routed to voicemail. ‘He turned it off.’ She was outraged. ‘And I have some big news for him. My brother wants Brian to move in with him.’
When the bell rang I went to class, all the time feeling like I’d left something undone. Ten minutes into class and I was called to the principal’s office. I walked down the corridors sweaty and anxious. I did nothing wrong, so why was I in trouble?
Sabiha was sitting in front of the Principal’s office. ‘Good, there you are,’ she said with exasperation. ‘Give me Dad’s phone number.’
‘Why?’ I asked.
‘Because the principal is insisting on calling Mum and I don’t want her involved.’
‘Are you sure you want to call Dad?’ I got his business card out of my purse. ‘He’s going to freak out that you’re in trouble.’
‘I’ve got no choice,’ Sabiha said, worry darkening her eyes as she took the business card. ‘There’s talk of a suspension.’
I stepped away as she returned to the Principal’s office, rubbing my fingers where Sabiha brushed against my skin. It was the first time we’d touched. I should have been elated that she was going to contact our father. Dad was going to be happy that I’d succeeded where he failed. Instead, I was exposed. My two lives were merging and soon there would be nowhere to hide.
I remembered Rodney’s look. Animal desire muted even blind rage. If only everything was that simple and I could face the rest of my life in my battle armour, using my sex appeal to shield me from all the messiness of life.
I trudged through the corridors and back to class, my concentration shot as I tried to imagine what was happening in the Principal’s office. Would Dad greet his prodigal daughter’s transgression with anger and disappointment, or would he contain his emotions and welcome her back into the fold?
I kept imagining scenarios between them, alternating between their reunion being a love story music video, to it resembling a sumo wrestler match, all awkward groping and jolly posturing. When the bell rang, I rushed to my locker and found a deflated-looking Sabiha waiting for me.
‘What happened?’ I asked.
She paused, her face going through a few moods as if she was trying to find the right words. ‘I’m not being suspended,’ she said, as if I was supposed to celebrate or something.
‘With Dad,’ I almost growled, my curiosity like a physical pain.
‘We didn’t really get the chance to talk. He was too busy fending off Mr Sheen’s version of the event. I apparently reacted ‘aggressively’ when he intervened,’ Sabiha said, making quotation marks.
I had to bite my lip from telling her I agreed with Mr Sheen.
‘So now I have to go to the medical centre so Dad and I can talk,’ Sabiha said.
I felt let down by her matter-of-fact synopsis of the events, but her face was preoccupied and didn’t invite further questions. I exchanged my books, and we walked side by side out of the school gates. Sabiha kept clenching and unclenching her fists.
‘There’s nothing to be nervous about,’ I said, the words escaping even though I’d vowed to let her suffer in silence.
Sabiha let out a harsh laugh. ‘Easy for you to say. You’re not meeting your father for the first time.’
‘You met him.’ My brow furrowed in confusion. ‘He came from Tasmania to see you as soon as he found out.’
Sabiha stared ahead. ‘He came into the house and talked with my grandfather, but I stayed hidden in my room, eavesdropping through a crack in the door.’ She looked at me from the corner of her eye. ‘I know you think I’m a bitch, but I couldn’t do anything else.’
‘Why?’ I burst out in frustration.
‘I’d spent so long thinking that he’d ditched me, that he purposely ignored my existence, it was hard to suddenly shut off all that anger and rage.’ Sabiha shrugged.
‘Weren’t you curious?’ I’d been dying of curiosity ever since I’d found out about Sabiha and only the fact that my parents were in such discord over the topic had prevented me from asking questions.
‘Of course,’ Sabiha said. ‘But I had to protect my mum. If I spoke to him, it was like I was choosing my mum over him and I couldn’t risk her feeling rejected like that. She might have had a relapse and ended up back in hospital.’
I nodded, shying away from the admission about her mum. I’d heard the hushed whispers about her mother being mentally disturbed. The story about her public breakdown in a shopping centre and being taken into custody by police had made the rounds.
Whenever Dad spoke about his other daughter, he always focused on the disadvantage she’d had to not only miss out on having a father but also to be raised by a mentally unstable mother. Since I’d met Sabiha I didn’t see that this was any great liability. She seemed to be fine.
‘Why did you change your mind?’ I asked.
‘The first time he came to see me I thought it wasn’t real, that he was putting on a show, but now.’ She looked at me from the corner of the eye.
But now he’s proved his sincerity by jumping the minute you called, I finished her sentence in my head.
‘Won’t your Mum be upset?’ I asked snidely.
Sabiha looked at me with surprise. ‘She’s been okay lately. Plus, she’s been telling me I need to see him. That it’s no good to let all these emotions fester inside.’
I bit my lip and swallowed my angry tirade. I wished I had the luxury of being able to act on my emotions and do what I wanted. Instead, I was always fighting to keep the peace and make everyone else happy.
When we walked into the medical centre, the receptionist looked at us, mentally comparing our physical similarities. As I led Sabiha to the kitchen area, I wondered if this was going to be my future from now on.
‘Dad will be here when he finishes with his patient.’ I sat at the table.
The staff room was half full with dirty boxes and Sabiha nervously paced, her boots scuffing the cardboard as she twirled in the small space.
The door opened and Dad walked in. I stood.