feeling of being admired, I forgot all about Mum coming to the school until a student walked into class and asked for me. I followed the student’s pointing finger to the door and saw Mum peering through the window. I waved and stood. Mum’s smile was replaced with horror as she caught sight of my outfit.
‘What are you wearing?’ Mum hissed when I was in the hallway.
I shifted uncomfortably, painfully aware of the fact that everyone in class was watching us. Mum must have realised the same thing because she bit her tongue.
Mum stepped into the classroom. ‘I need to speak to my daughter for a moment,’ she told the teacher.
I looked in and saw Sabiha staring at us. Mum turned her head and locked eyes with Sabiha. Time stopped as the two of them eyed each other. Finally, Mum tore her gaze away and began walking.
‘You didn’t tell me she looked like him?’ Mum briskly walked down the hallway.
I followed, not knowing what to say.
Mum stopped abruptly in front of the female toilets at the end of the hallway. ‘Here.’ She handed me a plastic bag as she looked at the stairs.
I took the bag and peered inside at the black pants and a white shirt.
‘I’ll see you tonight.’ Mum walked down the stairs.
‘Mum,’ I called.
Mum stopped, and I saw she looked shell-shocked. I wanted to say something comforting. Something to ease her devastation, but no words came.
‘Thanks.’ I held up the bag.
Mum nodded and continued down the stairs, her high heels making a clacking sound.
I went into the bathroom and closed the cubicle door behind me. I took out the shirt and pants. They looked like an outfit you’d wear as a uniform in a supermarket. I smoothed down my school uniform and remembered the admiring glances I’d been receiving all morning. In the end, the decision was simple. I put the bag Mum brought into my locker and returned to class.
***‘So that was your mum,’ Sabiha said at lunchtime.
I nodded.
‘Why aren’t you wearing the clothes she brought?’ Dina asked.
‘Because she wants to look hot,’ Brian interrupted, twirling in front of them. ‘Like me.’
‘Brian, can I please speak to you?’ Mr Sheen, our Maths teacher beckoned.
Brian lifted an eyebrow as he joined Mr Sheen. They walked away so that we couldn’t hear them.
‘I think he’s in trouble,’ Sabiha said as we watched their pantomime.
Mr Sheen gestured at Brian’s clothes. Brian put his hand up and stalked off, his strides long and lithe, as if he was practicing for the catwalk.
‘What happened?’ Sabiha demanded.
‘He’s a homophobe,’ Brian said.
‘Why?’ Dina asked.
‘He said I need to wear more appropriate clothing.’ Brian undid his top button to expose more chest. ‘Which is code for I need to dress straight.’
‘Maybe he’s right. You are creating a stir everywhere you go.’ Dina nodded her head to the gaggle of girls on our right. As soon as the girls noticed they were being scrutinised, they quickly turned away and pretended they were engrossed in talking to each other.
‘Is that such a bad thing?’ Brian formed a moue with his mouth.
‘Yes, it is,’ Dina snapped. ‘This isn’t a game, Brian. You’re playing with your life.’
‘You’re right, Dina,’ he snapped back. ‘This is my life.’
‘I think someone wants to speak to you,’ Sabiha said in a sotto voice as one girl ventured toward him.
Brian broke his staring contest with Dina and looked over.
‘You’re Brian, right?’ the girl asked when she was within speaking distance.
‘That’s my name,’ Brian said, putting on his sparkly persona.
‘We were wondering if you could do your Queer Eye Rescue for our friend.’ She pointed to a girl with dark kinky hair who was shyly peeking from the back of the group. ‘She’s been dumped and could really use a lift.’
‘You bet. I’ve got my bag of tricks right here.’ He patted his bag and, with a quick wave, walked off.
‘You need to back off.’ Sabiha faced Dina after Brian left. ‘He’s got it hard enough without you riding him.’
‘I’m trying to help him.’ Dina yanked her hair off her face impatiently. ‘He’s gone off the rails and doesn’t realise it.’
‘That’s not how you help him,’ Sabiha said firmly. ‘He’s come out of the closet now and there’s no changing that. All we can do is support him.’
Dina looked over at Brian. ‘I’m scared he’ll disappear from my life like my brother,’ she whispered. ‘I can’t lose anyone else.’
Sabiha put her arm over her shoulders. ‘We won’t lose him.’
Dina nodded and turned away from Brian as she wiped her face. ‘I’ve got to wash up.’
‘We’ll come with,’ Sabiha said.
‘No.’ Dina shook her head emphatically. ‘I need a few minutes alone.’
It was just Sabiha and me, shuffling our feet uncomfortably as we tried to find a topic of conversation. ‘Where’s Jesse?’ I asked.
‘He’s in the computer room working on his graphic novel.’
There was another uncomfortable silence.
‘Your Mum looked angry when she saw me,’ Sabiha finally said.
‘She was angry with me.’ I lied. ‘This is not my usual wardrobe.’ I gestured to my outfit.
‘I thought for a moment that she didn’t know we were going to the same school.’ Sabiha searched my face.
‘She knew.’ I fought to keep impassive.
‘But was she okay with it?’ Sabiha persisted.
I finally met her gaze. ‘No.’
Sabiha nodded as if she already knew. She turned away to look at Brian, who was leaving with the group of girls. ‘Where are you going?’
‘We’re going to the oval to show Rodney what he’s missing,’ the kinky-haired girl shouted, full of bravado as she modelled her new look.
Sabiha followed them and I ran to catch up with her long strides. Sabiha positioned herself next to Brian as we walked, while I followed in the back. The girls headed straight for a group of boys who were in the middle of a match.
‘Rodney,’ the kinky-haired girl yelled. ‘You’re a two-timing asshole.’
The game came to a halt and a guy who resembled the Incredible Hulk with a bulky body and fly-away brown hair detached himself from the team and walked over.
‘This is not the time,’ Rodney said to the girl. ‘Now beat it.’ He walked off.
The kinky-haired girl swore at him, going through an impressive list of profanity, before moving onto comparing his penis to a straw. While their Jerry Springer revival was going on, Brian was looking around the oval like he was searching for a ghost.
‘Piss off, you fag hag,’ Rodney said. ‘And take your homo brigade with you.’ He pushed Brian, who didn’t see him coming.
Brian started falling, but Sabiha grabbed his arm and kept him upright. Sabiha threw herself in front of Brian and shoved her face into Rodney’s. ‘Fuck you,’ she shouted, red with rage.
I stepped forward, my familial instinct kicking in, but hesitated.
‘Bring it on, homophobe,’ Brian shouted, coming out of his daze.
‘Come on,’ Sabiha urged, as she tugged his arm off the oval.
I fell in step and took Brian’s other arm, helping Sabiha walk toward him.
‘Let go.’ Brian shook us off.
Sabiha glanced behind and I followed her gaze. Rodney was back in the middle of his soccer fray. His girlfriend and her posse were sullenly walking behind us.
‘You need to stop letting these bitches involve you in their bullshit games,’ Sabiha said loudly enough so the girls behind us could hear.
The kinky-haired girl looked wounded, while her gal-pal hugged her shoulders and gave Sabiha a dirty look. They veered away from us and Sabiha watched them go moodily.
We reached the portables, and Sabiha stopped in the recessed doorway.
‘It’s got nothing to do with them. It’s everything to do with me.’ Brian gestured at himself, his look of frustration saying it all.
‘Tone it down then.’ Sabiha sipped from her water bottle.
‘So even my best friend is blaming me for a homophobe attack,’ Brian snapped.
As they shouted at each other, their bodies moving in jerky spasms as anger raged through them, my hands clenched as if I were fighting off an attack. School was my one haven, and now even that was falling apart.
‘That’s not what I’m saying,’ Sabiha argued back. ‘I’m just saying you don’t need to be in their face about who you are.’
‘Really?’ Brian demanded. ‘And if you were me, what would you be doing?’
Sabiha paused in consternation, the water bottle halfway to her mouth. ‘I’d add fake eyelashes to make my outfit pop,’ she finally said nonchalantly.
Brian’s face went blank for a moment as he processed what she said. ‘You’re right,’ he finally replied, peering into the window glass. ‘I’ll have to buy some tonight.’
‘Dina’s probably freaking out about us abandoning her.’ Sabiha walked to the front of the school.
I followed, bemused. Five minutes ago, they were acting like they’d kill each other, but now they were back to being best friends. I didn’t know what to make of Sabiha’s unrestrained emotion and her volatility made me slightly uncomfortable.
The rest of the day passed uneventfully, and I walked by myself to Dad’s, with Sabiha, Brian and Dina electing to stay behind at school and admire Jesse’s artwork. Jesse had invited me to stay, and while I’d been curious to see what he was doing, Sabiha’s stiffened pose gave me the impression that my company was not desired.
I’d barely set up for homework when Dad appeared and made himself a cup of coffee.
‘How was everything at school today?’ he asked.
Something about the considered way he asked made the hairs on my skin stand up. Had he found out about Rodney and the fight on the oval?
‘All good.’ I stared down at my Humanities textbook.
‘So you didn’t tell me about your new friends?’ He sat down across from me. ‘Who do you hang out with?’
‘Just Sabiha and Dina.’
He hesitated, like he wasn’t sure whether he should continue. ‘A patient talked to me today about Sabiha.’
The penny dropped, and I was on safe ground. ‘Let me guess, she’s hanging around with boys. We’re at a Co-Ed School, Dad.’ I hated this aspect about the community. Everyone was always gossiping and sticky-beaking into other people’s business.
‘Yes, but this patient saw her kissing a brown-haired boy.’
‘That’s Brian,’ I said. ‘They’re friends.’
‘Just friends?’
All I had to say was that Brian was gay, but I hesitated. I remembered the way Sabiha had flicked me off after school, like I was a pesky fly.
‘I don’t feel comfortable spying on Sabiha,’ I said.
Dad looked frustrated before he smiled. ‘I’m glad you’re friends with Sabiha and that you’re looking out for her.’ He kissed me on the head.
Dad hated tattle-tails. He always went on about how brothers and sisters had to look out for each other because he had a horrible relationship with his brother and sister. If he caught me fighting with my siblings, he’d punish all of us equally.
He stood to return to work and gently squeezed my shoulder. ‘I’m very proud of you.’
I nearly dropped to the ground and begged for his forgiveness, but it was too late. He was already out the door.
I couldn’t concentrate on my homework after he left, and I packed up. I was waiting outside the medical centre when Mum pulled up, the 4WD breaking sharply. Mum stared out the front of the windshield, tapping her fingers on the steering wheel as I got in the car. I listened to Sanela’s chatter with one ear, my stomach jumping with nerves as we pulled up into the driveway.
When we walked into the house, I followed Mum to the kitchen, while Ali and Sanela drifted off to their rooms. I waited by the kitchen counter for the lecture about my outfit to begin. Instead Mum opened the kitchen cupboards and pulled out pots listlessly. Mum turned to put the pot on the stovetop and jumped when she saw me.
‘I thought you wanted to talk to me.’ I bit my lip and waited for Mum to collect herself into her usual fireball. When Mum was on the warpath, she squared her shoulders and maintained eye contact, as if she were conducting a lie detector test and her eyeballs were the conduit.
‘Yes.’ Mum looked like she was trying to remember what she wanted to say. ‘About this morning, you know I don’t approve of clothes like that.’
‘I know,’ I said meekly. ‘The girls were helping me out.’
‘Okay.’ Mum nodded absent-mindedly.
I waited to hear if she had anything else to say. I’d spent the day dreading a lecture and didn’t know whether to consider myself lucky that I’d finally caught a break or be worried about Mum’s out-of-character behaviour.
‘I have to make dinner before I got to work,’ Mum said.
‘Do you want help?’
Sanela ran into the kitchen holding a notebook. ‘Alma, I need you to help me with my English homework.’
I followed Sanela to her room with relief. By the time I finished helping her and we came back downstairs, dinner was ready and Mum was packing her work snacks.
‘Your father said he’d be home by now.’ Mum looked at her watch in concern.
‘I’ll call and check where he’s at.’ I ushered her to the front door. ‘You get going or you’ll be late.’
Mum kissed us and stepped out.
‘I want to call Daddy,’ Sanela demanded after I closed the front door.
‘Later.’ I led her to the kitchen table where Ali was already serving himself. ‘Let’s eat first.’
After dinner, Ali remained in the living room watching television while I gave Sanela a bath and put her to bed. When I stepped into the hallway, I saw Dad coming up the stairs.
‘I just put her to sleep,’ I whispered.
He nodded wearily and pushed open the bedroom door. Sanela was lying on her side, her hand on her cheek, the nightlight casting a glow on her cherubic face.
‘There’s dinner in the microwave,’ I told him when he closed the bedroom door. ‘I’ll warm it up while you have a shower.’
I was in the kitchen when the phone rang. It was Mum calling to check in with Dad. ‘He’s upstairs,’ I told her.
‘Oh, good,’ Mum said. ‘He’s putting Sanela to bed.’
‘Mmm,’ I lied. Mum did three night shifts a week on the proviso that Dad spent the evening at home and put Sanela to bed, but he didn’t always make it in time.
‘Love you.’ Mum blew a kiss down the phone line and hung up.
‘Who was that?’ Ali shouted from the living room.
‘Mum,’ I shouted back.
Ali came to the kitchen door. ‘You didn’t tell her about Dad.’
I shook my head. ‘She thinks he’s putting Sanela to bed.’
Ali nodded his approval. We agreed that our parents didn’t need any more reasons to argue. When Dad came downstairs, I had served his dinner. I made myself a cup of tea and sat across from him.
‘Can I get one?’ Ali asked when he came in.
I ignored him. With a sigh, Ali made himself a cup of tea and sat down at the table too.
‘Sorry I came home late,’ Dad said between bites. ‘I left you in the lurch.’
I flushed with pleasure. ‘I know you couldn’t help it.’
Dad sighed heavily. ‘I had to tell a woman her five-year old-son has leukemia.’
I nodded sympathetically. Usually, it was Mum that he would confide in. They used to stay up late at night talking to each other while lying in bed. I loved hearing their voices when I got up to go to the toilet, Dad’s deep baritone melding with Mum’s voice, until they used up all their words and fell asleep curled in each other’s arms.
‘I spent all afternoon thinking about Sanela,’ he said. ‘And then I came home too late to be with her.’
These were the toughest days for Dad, when he had to deal with a sick child. He always sought the comfort of his children, as if he needed our touch to reassure himself that we were still present, still breathing, and would stay that way.
I looked over at Ali and we both got up. Ali stood behind Dad and wrapped his arms around Dad’s neck, while I knelt on the floor and put my arms around Dad’s chest. As Dad rubbed Ali’s hands and kissed my head, we were once again a whole family.
Sabiha didn’t exist in this world and as I closed my eyes and gave myself up to Dad’s embrace, I wished it would stay that way permanently. We spent the evening watching a reality TV show. Dad sat in the middle, his arms on the back of the couch as Ali and I snuggled on each side. I felt hopeful that the Dad I knew would return to us.
For a few hours, I erased Sabiha from my mind and enjoyed the family moment. When Dad turned off the television and I had to go to bed, I was too tired to stand up and wanted to curl up and fall asleep where I was.
‘Come on.’ Dad tugged me by the arm off the couch. In the end, Dad and Ali half carried me between them to bed, where Dad tucked the covers around me, before kissing me on the forehead. I fell asleep floating on a cloud of contentment and bliss.