waiting for the house to settle around me. My skin was itchy, like there were insects walking on me and I threw back the covers. As I paced, I kept remembering the undercurrent of disappointment in Dad’s voice when he spoke to Sabiha, and yet he’d accepted her lie. His double standards disgusted me when I thought about the way he’d put me through the third degree when I was supposedly late from the library.
It was 10.00 pm. I lifted the curtain and looked out onto the dark street below. I wanted to be someone else and forget about all the things that were bringing me down, and Alex did that. He made me feel good. I typed a message and pressed send, but it was as if my hand didn’t belong to me. I was discombobulated, like I was vanishing in the dark.
AlmaO “Chat?”
He replied straight away.
AlexP “Sure.”
I hadn’t realised how desperate I was to connect with him. He’d become my port in the storm, the one place I didn’t have to worry about secret subtexts or hidden agendas.
AlexP “I was thinking about you. Can’t wait to see you tomorrow. Be with you again.”
AlmaO “Me too. It’s all arranged.”
We confirmed where and when to meet.
AlexP “Wish I could see you now.”
AlmaO “Okay.”
I turned on my lamp and took a photo of myself.
AlexP “Nice.”
He sent a photo of himself. In it he was shirtless, his six-pack on display.
AlexP “What do you think?”
AlmaO “U r hot.”
AlexP “LOL. Glad you like. Wish I could see more of you.”
He included a smiley emoticon.
I peered at my cotton pyjamas. They wouldn’t do.
AlmaO “Wait a sec.”
I rifled through my wardrobe. I’d attended my high school formal in Hobart and Mum had bought me matching black panties and bra to wear under my black formal dress. After I put them on, I posed in front of the mirror, feeling sexy and daring. I put on a black chiffon shirt that Mum didn’t let me wear because it was see-through, pleased to see I looked sexy, but still modest. After I brushed my hair and rubbed on lip gloss, I took another full body shot of myself.
AlexP “Wow. I’m so hard I can barely control myself. Do a striptease for me, sexy lady.”
I hesitated, warning bells ringing.
AlmaO “You do a striptease for me.”
I typed, trying to deflect.
AlexP “Okay.”
I looked at the screen in confusion. Did he really say okay? My phone went quiet. When it beeped again, I opened the screen and laughed so hard I fell on the bed. Alex was posing in front of a full-length mirror. He was pouting as he hooked his thumbs in his jean tabs. His shirt was unbuttoned and draped around his torso. The phone beeped fast and furious as he sent one image after another.
He pulled off his shirt one-handed and photographed himself with the other. Click. He was shirtless. Click. His hand was on his zipper. Click. The zip was undone. Click. He turned and photographed his back as he yanked down his jeans, flashing his underwear-clad tight butt. Click. He smacked his arse. Click. The jeans were around his ankles, his hips askew as he danced. Click. He faced the mirror again, wearing nothing but his underwear.
My eyes zeroed in on this crotch. ‘No, no, no,’ I chanted as I squirmed on the bed. Even though I’d seen him nude, this was excruciating. Beep. I was equally embarrassed and curious to look at the screen. In the end, curiosity won. I laughed with delight when I saw the photo. He was completely naked, his hands cupping his genitals.
AlexP “Your turn.”
I hesitated as I stood up. Was I really going to do this? I remembered my dad letting Sabiha’s lie slide and a ball of rage hit my stomach. Hell yes. I stood in front of the mirror and undid my shirt, letting it drape open so it revealed my bra and underwear. Click. I pushed the shirt off. Click. I blew a kiss, wearing my underwear and bra. Click. I turned my hands on my bra clasp. Click. I undid the clasp. Click. I pushed the straps down my arms. Click. I threw the bra on the floor and turned to the mirror again, one arm covering my breasts. Click.
I imagined Alex was lying on the bed, watching me perform a striptease.
“More, more,” he demanded.
The phone beeped, and I picked it up again.
AlexP “I want to see all of you.”
The lamp was behind me and shadows played peekaboo with my body. Half my face disappeared into the darkness and I looked like someone else. A sexy, vampy supermodel who had nothing to hide.
I put down my hand and looked at my bare breasts. I hesitated before pressing the button on my camera phone. There was a half-formed thought trying to push through. Like a breeze, it passed by. I put my arm down. Click. I sent the photo.
AlexP “You are a work of art.”
I smiled at my doppelgänger in the mirror.
AlexP “I wish you were here with me so I could hold you tight and whisper something in your ear.”
AlmaO “What would you whisper?”
AlexP “I love you.”
Tears came to my eyes, and I hugged the phone against my naked torso. I yearned to have him with me.
AlmaO “I love you too.”
AlexP “I can’t wait for tomorrow. To see you strip for me in real life.”
AlmaO “Me too.”
AlexP “Sweet dreams. I will dream of you until then.”
AlmaO “Good night.”
I sat on the bed, lost in a daze. He loved me. I was floating on a cloud. As long as I had Alex I was all right. My skin broke out in goose pimples. I put on my pyjamas and got into bed, the mobile in my hands.
I opened my sent items and viewed my striptease for Alex, feeling a strange mingling of embarrassment and pride. They were really wonderful photos. I looked like a model in a black and white artistic nude portrait. I smiled as I read Alex’ responses again.
I wished I could keep these memories, but it wasn’t safe. If my parents saw these photos, I’d be dead. As I deleted them, there was a bitterness seeping into me. I wondered how forgiving Dad would be of my secret life, but I knew the answer even before the question formed.
***As I walked to school Monday, there were butterflies in my stomach at seeing Alex again. Dina and Sabiha were at the front gate, and I heard them arguing as I approached.
‘He’s coming home with me tonight when I finish with Alma at the library,’ Dina said, slipping in my alibi. She looked like she hadn’t slept since the party. Her eyes blinked every few seconds, making her look like a recovering addict. ‘We’re not giving them warning so they can refuse to see him.’
‘Do you really think they’re going to help?’ Sabiha asked.
‘I don’t know,’ Dina wailed. ‘But Louie is going to hurt my brother. He could kill him even.’
‘Omer will be fine,’ Sabiha said. ‘He got through all these years without your help.’
‘You’re so cold,’ Dina said.
‘I’m realistic. I doubt your parents are going to give him more money considering how many times he’s hit them up in the past.’
‘But this is different.’ Dina’s voice was full of hope. ‘His life is in danger.’
Sabiha’s expression spoke for her.
‘What?’ Dina demanded.
‘Nothing.’ Sabiha looked away.
Dina waited.
‘It’s just convenient.’
‘You think he’s lying?’ Dina was shocked.
‘I’m not saying that.’ Sabiha motioned to stop with her hand. ‘We don’t know the entire story is.’
‘The only thing that matters is that my brother needs help,’ Dina screamed.
I didn’t breathe as I waited to see what Sabiha would do. Would she dig in her heels and argue with Dina or back off?
‘You’re right,’ Sabiha said.
Dina looked militant. ‘I’m going to call Omer.’ She stepped away.
‘Dina.’ Sabiha took a step toward her.
Dina stopped, but didn’t turn.
‘I’m sorry,’ Sabiha said. ‘I didn’t mean to be a bitch.’
Dina nodded and left.
‘Fuck.’ Sabiha kicked the park bench and yelped. She hopped on one foot while she clutched her sore toes with her hands.
I turned to hide my smile. When I had it under control, I turned back and saw Jesse approaching with a concerned look. Sabiha sat on the bench and waited, her face expectant.
Jesse walked past her and approached me. ‘Did you get home okay on Saturday?’
‘Isn’t it obvious?’ I smiled.
‘Did you have any problems with Alex?’ Jesse asked.
I shook my head in confusion.
‘I told you she was fine,’ Sabiha interrupted.
‘You should never have allowed her to go home alone with him,’ Jesse snapped without looking at her.
‘She had a curfew,’ Sabiha said. ‘What was I supposed to do, babysit her?’
‘Yes,’ Jesse snapped. ‘You shouldn’t have let her near that sleaze bag.’
Sabiha recoiled with hurt. ‘What’s the big deal?’
‘This.’ Jesse held up his mobile.
In the brief moment before he snapped the mobile shut, I glimpsed a naked girl. It was the girl Brian did a makeover on, Rodney’s ex-girlfriend.
‘Alex’ mate sent around this photo of his ex yesterday,’ Jesse said.
I had trouble breathing. I’d sent photos exactly like that to Alex.
Jesse turned back to me. ‘Did he try anything?’
I couldn’t speak. Jesse put his hand on my arm. I clutched it, holding it like a lifeline.
‘I’ll kill him,’ Jesse muttered.
I snapped out of my inertia. ‘Nothing happened. He drove me home, and that’s it.’
Jesse looked like he didn’t believe me.
‘It’s shocking.’ I waved at his mobile. ‘That’s all.’
Jesse hugged me, and I hunched into him. ‘Are you sure?’ he asked.
I had to find Alex. I lifted my gaze and saw Sabiha jealously watching us. ‘I told you I’m okay.’ I pushed Jesse’s arm away.
He looked at me with reproach. I opened my mouth to say something, anything, but the words wouldn’t come. The bell rang.
‘I’d better get to class.’ I walked away.
I sent Alex a text message to meet as soon as I was out of sight of Sabiha and Jesse. Alex replied at recess. He couldn’t see me until after school. I rubbed my necklace.
After school, I walked to the side street where I’d arranged to meet with Alex. When I got in the car, my worries faded and a goofy smile broke out as he looked me up and down. He was wearing sunglasses, his hand hanging out the window. He looked cool and dangerous.
‘Hello gorgeous.’ He leaned in and kissed me, making my toes curl. He turned the car ignition and drove before I regained my senses.
‘We need to talk.’
‘Talk.’ Alex pushed his sunglasses down his nose. ‘Because once the car stops, that’s the last thing we’ll be doing.’ He playfully leered.
‘Your friend sent a photo of his ex around.’
‘So?’ Alex stopped at the red light and reached over to squeeze my boob.
I slapped his hand away. ‘Would you do something like that to me?’
‘Of course not. I wouldn’t ever send photos of my girlfriend around.’ He kissed me during a red light. A car beeped behind us. The light was green. He stomped on the gas.
‘Could you delete the photos from last night?’ I asked when I got my breath back.
‘Sure,’ Alex said.
I breathed a sigh of relief, reassured by his quick acquiescence. ‘Where are we going?’
I’d thought we’d park the car somewhere and be together, but Alex was driving through the suburbs. A few more twists of the wheel and we were turning into Brian’s street. He told me he’d arranged for us to use Omer’s house.
‘What about Brian?’
‘He’s not home.’ He opened my car door. ‘I’ve got a surprise for you.’
‘I can’t stay long.’ Reluctantly, I followed him into the house. ‘I have to be back before Dad finishes work.’
Alex grinned. ‘He probably won’t even notice you’re gone.’
He said it to comfort me, but they were like a dagger through my heart. Was it true?
He pushed me up against the wall and kissed me again. My phone rang, piercing through the fog of my raging hormones. I went to answer it, but Alex snatched it out of my hand and turned it off.
‘I need your exclusive attention for fifteen minutes only. After that, you can deal with the real world again.’ He slipped my mobile back in my pocket.
As we passed by Brian’s open door, I recognised the smell of marijuana seeping from it.
‘Close your eyes,’ he said.
Standing in the darkness, I noticed his smell and the feel of his palm against mine. I wanted to remain in this moment with this feeling of anticipation fluttering in my stomach.
‘Open your eyes.’ Alex breathed in my ear and my skin broke out in goose pimples.
He’d closed the curtains and made Omer’s bedroom dark. There were candles on the chest of drawers, the golden flickering of the flame glowing in the mirror. Rose petals covered the white sheets on Omer’s bed.
Alex left my side and turned on the CD player. Soft romantic music filled the room. ‘May I have this dance?’ He held out his hand.
I drifted into his arms. ‘This looks beautiful.’
He nuzzled my neck. ‘I wanted everything to be special for you’
His mouth worked its way up my jaw and to my lips. He kissed me deeply, tongue and all, holding me tightly against him. His leg was between my thighs and I was almost riding him. There was a delicious friction of his jeans against my panties, and I rubbed myself against him.
‘You’re a passionate one.’ Alex pushed me onto the bed and took off his shirt.
As I looked at him ungracefully taking off his clothes, the passion faded and I realised what I was getting myself into.
‘We don’t have time for this.’ I tried to stand, but Alex nuzzled me down.
‘Sure we do.’ Alex soothed as he took off his jeans. ‘It’s not ideal that we have to rush your first time, but it will still be special.’
‘My first time?’ I repeated.
Alex kicked his jeans off. ‘You don’t have to worry about anything.’ Alex took off his underwear and was naked in front of me. ‘I’ll take care of you.’ He lay on top of me and touched my breasts. ‘I love you,’ he whispered in a rush against my ear, and kissed me again.
I stilled in his arms. After we’d texted each other last night, I kept imagining what it would be like when we said our “I love you’s” face to face for the first time. I’d imagined staring into each other’s eyes, breathless with anticipation and that in that moment we would realise we belonged together forever.
In all my fantasies, I’d never imagined that I would feel this sense of wrongness. His declaration was so matter of fact, as if he’d said it many times before and it was now devoid of all meaning. This was the first time he’d said it to me, so why did it sound so rehearsed?
‘Alex wait.’ I moved my head.
‘Why? You love me too don’t you?’
He looked at me impatiently, waiting for a response. I didn’t know what to say. When I’d texted him, I was sure that I loved him. That what we had was special, but now I was confused. He was in such a hurry, as if he was fearful I’d change my mind.
‘You love me, right?’ he said harshly.
‘Right.’ I felt I had no choice but to answer the affirmative. How could I suddenly tell him I’d changed my mind?
He covered me with his body, squashing me under his weight. Something was wrong. Until this moment, it seemed I was in a romantic movie where the two star-crossed lovers were about to make love. Now I was in a frat house movie with the sweaty, horny guy who wanted to get laid.
As I turned my head, I saw beside the bed where Alex had piled Omer’s mess. It made me wonder if everything he did was like that, a big gesture that actually hid the seamy reality of life. I desperately wanted to be at Dad’s medical centre, waiting for Mum, not here in this room with a naked guy grinding himself against me.
‘No, don’t,’ I said when his lips moved to my breasts.
‘What’s wrong, baby?’ He lifted his head and looked at me. ‘Don’t you want to be with me?’
I didn’t know what to say. I wanted to be with him, but he’d tricked me. There had been no conversation about this. He’d presented it as a fait accompli.
‘I thought you liked everything we did until this point?’
‘I did, I do.’
‘What’s the problem? We’re in a relationship. This is what boyfriend and girlfriend do.’ His voice was full of exasperation.
‘I know.’
‘Good.’ Alex smiled and nuzzled my chest again. ‘I’ll try to be gentle. I want it to be good for you.’
I panicked. He was right. Everything I’d done up til this point gave the impression I was ready and willing to have sex, yet now that it was happening it was the last thing I wanted. I’d been infatuated with the fantasy of having a boyfriend, without thinking through the reality.
There was something telling me to get out, to stop things before they got out of hand. Alex was right. The first time was supposed to be special. It was a moment I wanted to remember forever, and I knew with every fibre of my being that this was not the moment I wanted etched into my brain. His hands moved between my legs and he tried to take off my underpants.
‘No.’ I sat up.
‘Why not?’
He looked at me, and his face had changed. Gone was the cheeky larrikin I’d fallen for. Instead, he looked predatory, as if I was prey on his menu. I remembered Dina’s warning and my blood ran cold. This was the guy she’d been warning me about.
‘Are you being a tease?’ He was angry, his hands formed into fists as he watched me moodily.
I realised how vulnerable I was. We were all alone in the house. I was completely at his mercy. ‘Of course not.’ My survival instinct kicked in. ‘I have my period.’
Alex’ face turned to disgust, before he quickly rallied. ‘That’s okay, baby.’ He reached for me again. ‘I don’t mind.’
‘I do.’ I dragged myself away from him. ‘I want our first time to be special.’
I walked to the door, full of relief.
‘Aren’t you forgetting something?’ Alex said.
I turned. He was sitting on the edge of the bed with his legs apart. He got a pillow from the bed and threw it on the floor. I had to fight my feet from running to the front door, but there was a shivery feeling inside me. A little voice that warned me not to make him angry. As I bent my head and covered his lap, his hands went to my hair. When he moaned as he came, I was repulsed and relieved in equal measure.
‘You’re fantastic at it.’ He smiled. ‘Like a little hoover.’
His taste was in my mouth, and I had to hold back from dry reaching. I ran to the bathroom before I vomited in front of him. As I washed out my mouth in the basin, I looked in the mirror.
There was something different in my eyes. The sparkle was dulled, and I looked like a sad little girl. How had things changed so quickly? I walked out without looking at him.
‘What’s wrong?’ He lifted my chin.
I stepped back.
‘Don’t be sensitive. I was joking about you being a hoover.’
I nodded. ‘I have to get back.’
‘I’ll be a sec.’ He left the bathroom door open, and I held my arms and shivered as I listened to the loud and vulgar sound of his urine splashing the toilet bowl.
‘How long until it’s finished?’ Alex asked as he drove me.
‘What?’ I was confused.
‘Your period?’
‘At least a week,’ I lied.
‘Then I’ll see you next week.’ He stopped on the main road and gave me a quick kiss on the cheek.
I froze as he leaned over me, having to fight my instinct to throw myself away from him. When I got out of the car, he sped off, car tyres screeching.