So Much More Beneath the Surface
AS KEVIN drove on the flat open highway that seemed to go on forever and ever, he couldn’t keep his mind from wandering. He was driving to Fargo to pick up Brooke and Finn from their grandparents’ house, but it felt more like he was going back in time.
It was Hugo. Seeing Hugo. Kissing Hugo.
More than anything, it was letting Hugo simply walk away that morning.
It was as if seeing him leave tore open a well-sealed box of memories Kevin had tried to keep hidden just so he could function as an adult. But now it was opened, and the wretchedly boring Red River Valley landscape wasn’t doing anything to keep his mind from tumbling back to both good and bad memories.
MOVING to a new town right before junior year might’ve felt like the end of the world for most high school kids, but for Kevin it ended up being a welcomed change. He was ready to escape Fargo so he could start over in a new town with people who didn’t know a thing about him. He was ready for a clean slate.
Kevin’s father was all about the buzzwords he used in his business dealings, and ever since Kevin had started middle school, everything had been about making connections and adding to this theoretical network that Kevin had no interest in being a part of. He just wanted to hang out with a few friends, to be left alone long enough to finally defeat King Dedede on Kirby’s Adventure, and to find something that he and his dad could enjoy together.
Kevin and his dad fished, had for years, but it often led to further haranguing. Peder taught Kevin how to fly-fish as a kid, but they rarely got to go after high school started because Peder was so busy with work. When they did fish together, his dad was utterly silent for much of the time. By the time Peder was ready to talk, Kevin was often sleepy from the hours of silence, the warmth of the sun beating against his back, and the monotony of the lazy activity amidst the relaxing sounds of running water. It was as if Peder had a knack for waiting for the exact moment that Kevin’s overactive teen defenses were drugged enough so that he could talk about the future.
The future had been mapped out for Kevin since before he was born. Kevin’s dad liked to be in control. He had a vision, Kevin’s mom would say, defending her husband while at the same time trying to nurture her son. Kevin knew it was an impossible task to accomplish both things simultaneously, but she tried and tried again. Kevin saw her effort for what it was, a woman doing all she could for the man and son she loved who had no idea how to get along.
“Your father is a very intelligent and respected man,” she’d say when something set Kevin off enough for him to complain, which didn’t happen very often. Kevin had been conditioned to endure instead. “He loves you. I know he has a hard time showing it, but all these decisions he’s trying to guide you toward are designed to help you be successful so you won’t ever want for anything. That’s how he shows his love, by supporting your future success.” More than likely, his mom was also having conversations with Peder about Kevin’s true motivations. His mom worked tirelessly to keep the waters calm at home.
Kevin didn’t get it. At least, he didn’t get the love part. All Kevin saw was that his father was trying to get him to make a ton of money so Peder would no longer have to support him. That didn’t seem to be the same goal Kevin’s mom had explained to him.
The social networking built into Kevin’s life in Fargo had been part of that success-making too. Kevin and his dad would golf with Peder’s coworkers, who always brought their sons or daughters along. Kevin and the other kid would stand off to the side trying to get to know each other while the two dads talked shop and socialized. Sometimes he dated the girls, but the boys were tolerated at best. The older Kevin got, the worse the forced social interactions became, so he’d ask to go fishing instead.
“Social support from people you can count on will get you through the tough times in your business,” Peder would say as Kevin cast his fishing line back into the water. “You have to have people who can help you. Choose your friends wisely. Make sure they have diversified assets and resources. Scratch their backs so they’ll scratch yours. It’s a good system, Kevin. It’s what makes the world work.”
By the time Kevin was a freshman, many of his friendships were based on these prearranged meet and greets. The people he hung out with were all so similar—white, rich, money-hungry social climbers. They were a lot like Kevin’s dad, and nearly all of them remarked how much Kevin was like Peder.
Kevin wanted to be nothing like his father. Kevin just wanted someone to like him for who he was, not for the family he came from or the gaming systems he had in his room or the pretty girl he happened to be dating at the time. No one knew him. No one knew the real Kevin.
The Red River spilled over its banks and flooded Kevin’s bedroom for the second time—the first time being when he was eleven and the second time happening again when he was fifteen, right as his freshman year finished up. Kevin was forced to move upstairs and live on the main level of his family’s sprawling house in Fargo. The privacy and solitude he’d enjoyed in the basement was suddenly stripped from him, much like the carpet and drywall that had been pulled from the foundation and studs.
His entire sophomore year, Kevin’s life had felt like it was on display. His room was relocated to the second floor of the house, and every move he made seemed to be scrutinized even more so than before. There were demands from Peder to know how Kevin was spending his time and lots of yelling. The pressure was starting to build as he finished that school year, but then suddenly, it all changed.
They moved to Austin. He wasn’t going to let his father dictate who he could spend time with anymore. Peder would have a hard time doing that anyway because this new job was going to take a lot of time and effort. Kevin was going to use that to his advantage. He planned on taking the summer to get to know the small city, but his dad had other plans.
“Mailroom,” Peder said with an emphatic nod. “You need to see how a corporation works from the bottom up, so I found you a job right at the bottom. It’ll keep you motivated for years to come and out of trouble until school starts.”
The job wasn’t bad at all, as it turned out. In fact, he really liked it. Kevin got to meet all sorts of new people, like the quirky lady who consistently had about five pencils stuck through the bun in her hair. She was always hunting for something to write with so Kevin would pluck out one of the pencils and hand it to her. A blush lit up her face each time as she smiled and thanked him.
As suspected, Kevin’s father had been too busy at work to do any of his typical socializing, so for the first time since Kevin was in elementary school, he was allowed this opportunity to have a friend all to himself. It was great!
Hugo. Kevin had no idea how important Hugo would become, but he ended up being just what Kevin needed to start becoming his own man.
He’d been so friendly right from the start, inviting Kevin to eat lunch with him. He was funny and they had a lot in common. Hugo had lived in Austin his entire life, so he told Kevin stories about the town, the people, and showed him all around.
Hugo was different than most of the kids Kevin had hung out with back in Fargo. He was flippant, giving the virtual finger to things so many of Kevin’s old friends thought were so worthy of respect. It was as if money and stuff didn’t matter to Hugo at all. Hugo didn’t give a shit that Kevin had a car or that he had nearly every technological device made. What seemed to matter to Hugo was having fun and being happy with who he was.
Hugo wasn’t afraid of making a fool of himself either, as was easily seen when he asked Kevin to show him how to skateboard. Kevin couldn’t help but laugh at how uncoordinated Hugo was at first as he stepped onto his newly built board and quickly tumbled to the pavement. Hugo had just flipped Kevin off and got back up to try again. He wasn’t embarrassed or ashamed. He was just having fun and was more than willing to expose his vulnerability to Kevin.
Kevin didn’t quite understand their relationship because so many of the friendships he’d had over the years had been about one-upmanship, proving how wonderful you were because you had the better car, the hotter girlfriend, or the latest CD release, not that Kevin ever wanted to play that game. He boldly refused, much to the confusion of his friends.
Hugo didn’t play any of those games. He was just honest and kind and… sweet. It was strange to think like that about a guy, but that’s often what Kevin thought. Hugo was innocent. Not in a naïve way, but in an untainted way. But he was also mature. He knew how to read into what Kevin said. Rather than just listening to the words that came out of Kevin’s mouth, it was like Hugo knew all the iceberg-shit underneath the surface.
It was cool that Kevin got to spend time at Hugo’s house too. Hugo’s sister, Charisse, was very affectionate, always pulling Hugo into hugs and kissing him, almost like a mom would do rather than a sister. At least, Kevin had never seen any other siblings act like that. Charisse would also reach for Kevin, placing a hand on his shoulder when she asked if she could get him a pop.
It was so different.
The two Thorsons he’d met didn’t seem to hold back touch at all. Hugo didn’t seem to think twice about reaching over to push Kevin’s long bangs out of his eyes or support him with a strong hand in the small of his back when walking over slippery rocks on a riverbed. Kevin was used to very little physical affection. His mom was the only one who’d ever really given him any, and when she did, it was usually only if he was upset. The last physical affection Kevin recalled his father giving him was when he was a preschooler sitting on Peder’s lap. That had been a very long time ago.
Moving to Austin ended up making Kevin’s life a whole lot better for many reasons. Most of all, it was great to have someone to finally let his guard down around. Kevin almost felt like Hugo was helping him navigate toward something new, maybe even self-discovery.
AT THE beginning of August, Peder started threatening to cut Kevin’s hair while he slept, probably because school was going to start in less than a month. Kevin was pissed and had even locked his bedroom door the night before, just in case. He had a feeling he’d keep doing it too.
The next day, Hugo and he walked through the woods, which always relaxed Kevin before. Not that day, though. Kevin just couldn’t drop the anger or the worry he had that his dad would actually cut his hair, and that was just the tip of the iceberg. Usually Kevin avoided talking about his dad because he couldn’t trust people. In the past, if he bitched to a friend, the kid often told his or her parents, and Kevin’s complaints would eventually get back to Peder. There was no way that would happen with Hugo, so he allowed himself a few moments of pure honesty and told Hugo the bullshit that was bothering him.
Hugo didn’t laugh at him or tell Kevin to get over himself. He just listened and tried to give Kevin the psychological boost he needed to no longer feel as if he were drowning in Peder’s expectations. Then Hugo started talking about how he felt like he didn’t fit in.
Kevin didn’t understand how that could be, considering Hugo knew Austin like the back of his hand and seemed to know people everywhere they went, greeting them by their first names and asking questions about little incidental things most people would never remember, let alone be kind enough to follow up on. But it was obvious that Hugo didn’t feel like he belonged. Kevin saw those feelings projected in his dark-blue eyes.
The sun broke through the overhead canopy in the woods and lit up Hugo’s dark hair, drawing irregular shapes of golden warmth on his hair and pale skin. Kevin studied Hugo’s face, intent on trying to understand the message hidden far below what Hugo was actually saying to him. He couldn’t figure it out though because Hugo’s eyes drew Kevin’s attention.
“So blue.”
Then his long, straight nose. His lips were bowed, curving up at the outer corners just enough that even when he was as serious as he was then, Hugo still looked happy. So beautiful.
Before Kevin even registered what he was doing, he was kissing Hugo. It felt amazing. Kevin pulled away and looked into those blue eyes before kissing him again, opening his mouth to this boy, to this person who made him feel accepted just for who he was. The kiss was intense, and Kevin lingered there, focused on all the new sensations, including the slight rasp of stubble.
That same night at supper, Peder talked about two men he’d seen kissing downtown in an alleyway during his lunch hour. “It was disgusting. No one wants to see that. I don’t even want to know clandestine liaisons like that happen, let alone see them.”
After eating, Kevin retreated to his bedroom and locked the door. He put some music on and lay down, wondering how on earth he could’ve been so stupid to kiss a boy. What the fuck was wrong with him? His dad would kill him if he ever found out.
“Kevin, we need to talk,” Peder said through the wooden door, knocking loudly then turning the handle. “What have I said about locked doors in my house?”
Kevin grudgingly got up and opened the door. “Sorry, I must’ve hit the lock by accident.”
“Right. Come to my office. We have to talk.”
Kevin dutifully followed, pushing away his worry about what happened with Hugo and burying it under layers of insulation so his dad wouldn’t be able to tell something was bothering him. Kevin sat across the desk from his father in the tiny chair that always made him feel so powerless, while his father sat in a huge leather monstrosity.
“I’ve pulled some strings,” Peder started, “and was able to get you enrolled into an accounting class at Riverland Community College. You’ll be starting about the same time as high school starts up. You’ll earn college credits, so you’ll have less to worry about once you get to Gustavus, and every businessman needs a good solid foundation in accounting. I’m not concerned about your success in this because your math skills have always been well above par.”
Kevin took a deep breath to keep himself from responding as defensively as he’d like to, slowly letting the air out through his nose.
“That sounds like a great plan, but I’m concerned about getting used to a new high school. The building is huge. I’m going to be adjusting to a lot. How often are the accounting classes?” Kevin was proud of himself for seeming calm.
“Saturday mornings. That’s it. You can manage.”
“Okay. That sounds good.”
“Great,” Peder said with a wide smile. “I took the liberty of picking up the textbooks you’ll be using,” he said as he handed Kevin three books, Kevin automatically thanking him. “I expect you to start reading through them so you’ll be more than prepared. How’s the job going?”
“I like it,” Kevin said.
“Like it? You like working in the mailroom?” He asked the question as if Kevin were crazy.
“Yeah. The people are nice, I get to walk around, and it’s cool that I get to meet so many different types of people.”
“Hmm. Well, remember, your sights need to be set on running a business like this, not being a grunt or a minion delivering mail. Shoot for the top, Kevin. Earn that corner office.”
“Yes, sir.”
Kevin was excused, and he immediately went back to his room to read through the new textbooks. He may as well get a head start. It helped him not think about kissing Hugo too. Until he fell asleep and dreamed about him.
The dreams were vivid. Kevin relived their kiss again and again, each night finding more and more he noticed about Hugo. When he saw him at work, Kevin had to look away to keep himself from staring. Hugo was gorgeous.
Can you say that about a guy, or is that totally uncool?
Kevin felt stupid. What the hell was going on? He was straight. He’d dated girls, kissed them, touched their breasts, gone down on them. Kevin was still a virgin, but he was far from sexually inexperienced. Never had he looked at guys before.
Well, that wasn’t entirely true. There was the golf pro back at the country club in Fargo who had captured his imagination. Not in a sexual way, but Kevin had spent a summer talking to the guy about how to improve his putting skills, not because he needed help but because he enjoyed talking to him. Maybe there had been more than Kevin realized back then.
Kevin tried to avoid thinking about kissing Hugo until he could no longer ignore it. Hugo confronted him and told him the kiss they shared was the first kiss he’d ever really had.
And that Hugo was gay.
Kevin was so confused.
And he felt like total shit because Kevin had basically stolen Hugo’s first kiss. Never again would Hugo have his very first kiss. Kevin could see himself recorded in Hugo’s personal history next to the name of the Kari girl who kissed him on a dare—boiled down to nothing but an experience.
Kevin didn’t want to be turned into a footnote in Hugo’s history. He wanted to be a part of his life. This boy, this man…. Hugo was the first person who had ever seen the real Kevin and liked him for who he was, faults and all. Hugo even liked him enough to forgive him and still be friends after Kevin was defensive and evasive.
Thank God Hugo was strong enough to say something and to demand answers from Kevin, because Kevin would’ve just tried to avoid and ignore, losing one of the best friends he’d ever had. That’s just how things were dealt with at the Magnus house, and Kevin wasn’t sure how else to face conflicts until Hugo taught him new ways. Instead, they ended up spending more time together, and Kevin slowly but surely realized new and terrifying things about himself. Maybe he wasn’t straight, but he knew he wasn’t gay either because he really and truly liked girls. But he liked Hugo too.
KEVIN’S cell phone ringing brought him out of his daydream and he quickly hit the Handsfree button on his car so he could answer it.
“Hello?”
“Kevin,” his ex said.
“Hi, Erin. What’s up?”
“I was just wondering what time you thought you’d be arriving?”
He glanced down at the clock and tried to determine how far he was from the state border. He saw a familiar water tower up ahead and said, “I’m just about to Barnesville, so about a half an hour. Is everything okay?”
“Just my mother. She’s driving me crazy.”
“As usual,” Kevin said with a laugh.
“Yes. Some friends from high school were going to take me out on the town tonight, and you know how I feel about leaving the kids alone with my mom.”
“Going to find a hot date, huh?” Kevin said with a smile in his voice. They were both at the stage in their divorce that they could talk like this now.
“Maybe, but based on where we’re going, I think I’m more likely to pick up a man in his sixties who enjoys wearing plaid pants paired with a polo shirt.”
“Ah,” Kevin said with a laugh. “Going to the country club, huh?”
“You got it. There’s a wine tasting.”
“Well, I’ll let you go so you can get all gussied up for your sugar daddy.”
“Stop it, Kevin,” she giggled.
“I’ll be there as soon as I can so you can escape from your mom.”
“Talk soon.”
Kevin hung up, and the black plastic compass Finn had taped to the dash drew his gaze. It reminded him of another compass: the compass keychain he bought for Hugo’s sixteenth birthday.
THE silver keychain was almost perfect but too generic, so he talked to the jeweler about how he could personalize it. For an entire day Kevin wrote and wrote the words he wanted engraved in a spiral on the back of the piece. He initially tried to copy over a font he’d found in a book, but that looked far too impersonal. In the end, he just wrote in the cursive he so rarely used unless he was signing something.
He did all that for a stupid keychain that he blew off with a quip, saying he wanted to make sure Hugo wouldn’t get lost in the woods, because he was terrified of telling Hugo how he really felt. It was about so much more. He just didn’t know how to tell Hugo besides through written words.
Kevin had finally found someone who made him feel like he was on the right track, on his own track rather than his father’s, and so he wanted to let Hugo know. He’d simply been too much of a coward to come right out and tell Hugo how intense his feelings were. It was terrifying. He learned from his parents that feelings were things to keep a lid on, not expose to the world.
He’d learned their lesson well.
Until he decided to act on his feelings, to see if there really was something going on. Kevin was nervous as hell and had tried to touch Hugo in both subtle and obvious ways. Unfortunately, Hugo just ignored him. But when Hugo slept over and was struggling to sleep, Kevin decided to take a chance.
Then Hugo touched him in ways Kevin never even imagined. Hugo did things that made Kevin willingly hand over every speck of control he’d been struggling to hold on to his entire life, even the tiny bits his father hadn’t managed to strip away.
When Hugo first slipped a finger into Kevin’s ass, Kevin couldn’t help his reaction. It was terrifying and wonderful and so fucking freeing that Kevin begged and moaned and wanted to just curl up and allow Hugo to take care of him for the rest of his life.
As the last couple of weeks of that summer burned away, Hugo and Kevin experimented with each other. Every single time, Kevin felt put back together even if his father had tried to break him earlier in the day. And when Kevin found out he liked to give Hugo pleasure in ways that were so not straight, he was more than surprised. It took a while for him to build up the courage to try something beyond a hand job, but when he did, he felt so accomplished that he could bring Hugo satisfaction like that.
Kevin could be vulnerable with Hugo in a way he’d never allowed himself with anyone before. He didn’t need to have shields up or barriers protecting his heart or reputation or feelings. Kevin could just lie there in the middle of his bed, naked and exposed, allowing Hugo to worship his ass and his cock. Kevin’s legs could drift farther apart, and when he watched Hugo looking down between Kevin’s legs as his asshole was stretched and filled with fingers, there was no shame. The only thing he felt was thanks and acceptance.
THE rushing wind of a semi barreling past Kevin brought him out of his thoughts, and he realized he was hard as a rock. Just thinking about Hugo had done that to him. That hadn’t happened in ages.
How did I give up something like that? How did I ever walk away?