The Psychological Mêlée of Exes
“DO YOU want to go join them or sit inside a little longer?” Kevin asked as they continued to look at Summer and the kids talking.
“Either. Though they seem to be loving the undivided attention Summer is giving them.”
“Come on, let’s sit in the living room,” Kevin suggested, leading Hugo into an airy space off the dining room where they each took a seat on a supple leather chair. One entire wall of the house was a wall of windows that looked out on the lake, so they could still see the kids. A contemporary fireplace stood in the center of the house, the dining room on the other side clearly visible through the hole of the double-sided firebox. A simple shelf skirted below the opening of the fireplace, filled with neatly stacked logs, split and ready to be burned. Above, a rustic beam was mounted to the dark-gray slate that layered its way to the high ceiling. It was lined with simple, silver picture frames and a few fat, white candles.
Hugo couldn’t help but study the photos. On the left-hand side was a photo of a beautiful woman with resplendent red hair, thick with loose waves. She looked like she belonged in a ten-page spread for high-end hair-care products. Not only that, but she had the most lovely peaches-and-cream skin Hugo had ever seen. Her eyes were turquoise, like the color of the water in photos of beaches where sands were white and words like paradise and heaven were used to describe the locale. It had to be her, Kevin’s ex.
“Is that…?” Hugo gestured toward the photograph.
“Erin. Yeah. I leave it out for the kids. They miss her when they’re away for too long, and she still uses the lake house on occasion. Plus, it didn’t feel right packing the kid’s favorite pictures of her away because it’s their house too.”
Hugo studied the other photos. There were several photos of Brooke and Finn at various ages, probably spanning most years. There was an informal shot of Kevin on what was most likely his dock laughing with his beautiful lips stretched over his perfect teeth. His eyes sparkled, his golden skin making his gray eyes seem deep set and mysterious. There was another of Erin, holding both kids on her lap, Kevin beside her with his arm comfortably around her shoulder.
Hugo didn’t know how to feel. They looked like the perfect family, and there was still photographic proof sitting around the lake house. He batted away his insecurities, reminding himself Erin was Kevin’s ex but not the kids’ ex-mother. And again, he was getting away from himself.
“Where did you meet?” he ventured, not sure if it was an okay question.
“Gustavus Adolphus. We met in a psychology class, and she was my best friend who quickly became a heck of a lot more. She’s a nurse. Well, she hasn’t worked as a nurse in years. She wanted to be a stay-at-home mom after the kids were born and pretty much made them her life.”
Hugo thought he heard some bitterness in there, but he wasn’t sure.
“Those most recent photos of the kids, did you hire a photographer? They’re beautiful shots.”
Kevin smiled and shook his head. “No. I took them. You remember when I started dabbling in photography in high school? I kept at it in college. I even considered a studio-art major for about three days before I knew it would never fly with Dad, but I still took photography classes.”
“How’d you manage to get that approved by him?”
“Who says he approved?” Kevin chuckled. “I told him several of my photographs had already been purchased by other students, so he saw it as a business opportunity.”
“Did you sell anything?”
“Heck no. Not then, at least.” Kevin’s laugh was full and boisterous, ending with a smile, which very slowly faded as he continued to talk. “I’ve made money since. Not that I meant to. After seeing the photos I took of the kids, my friends Mike and Dena asked me to do a shoot with their family for Christmas cards one year. I ended up working with their dogs too, and one of those shots ended up on their card. It was just this really playful, natural shot of their dogs being dogs, but soon, I was getting calls from all these people with tons of disposable income willing to pay me to come and photograph their dogs in their natural environments. It was crazy. I had no clue what to charge, so Mike sort of acted as my agent or manager or whatever.”
“Wow. Talk about serendipity,” Hugo said, wishing he had friends who could set him up in a similar manner.
“That was a while ago. I haven’t done it in ages. I still get calls from time to time. I don’t know why. I just took pictures of dogs and cats and horses doing what they do naturally.”
“Yeah, but you always had a gift with animals. Remember that kid… Ricky or Bobby or something? Remember the party where his dog started going after that shit Brad Benson? That dog was about to go for the fucker’s neck, and you stepped in and were the goddamned dog whisperer.”
“Oh, come on, Hugo,” Kevin said with modesty. “I distracted the dog with a piece of cheese, at best.”
“No. The best was when you laid into Brad and told him to leave the dog the fuck alone and to stop picking on creatures more intelligent than him.” Hugo couldn’t help the laugh that bubbled up at the memory, and Kevin shook his head, unable to keep from joining in.
“That was pretty amazing. But he was being a total jerk.”
“Yeah, but you saved him from getting his face eaten off. I still can’t believe you found a way to work that into your valedictorian speech.”
Kevin buried his face in a palm, groaning. “Don’t remind me. My dad yelled at me for demeaning the kid in public.”
“Are you kidding me? That was one of the best introductions to a graduation speech I’ve ever heard—not that I’ve been to a ton, but still!”
After several anecdotes about the stupid mistakes people in their senior class had made over the last few years of high school—not naming names, of course, but everyone knew who was being talked about, and one of their classmates had yelled Brad Benson’s name—Kevin had started his speech off talking about how each and every person had to find ways to recover from mistakes and failure because every one of the students in the auditorium was going to make much bigger mistakes over the years.
“Some of us will end up addicted to drugs. Some will be in debt we can’t even fathom. Some of us will have children before we’re ready or feel totally helpless even when we did plan on that baby placed in our arms. So find a way to succeed. Find something to fill your soul with joy, something that makes you want to succeed. And when you can’t find that thing, make sure you have a special friend in your life.” Kevin had looked at Hugo right when he said those words, and his gaze didn’t wander until he was done speaking. “Find that person who will allow you to be yourself, who will allow you to crumble and fall apart and cry into his or her shoulder. Find that person who will help you put yourself back together so you can get out there again and make even more mistakes. Because every mistake teaches us something new. About how something works. About other people. About ourselves. And nothing, nothing in this world is more valuable than those people who can make you see the good inside, even when you’ve failed.”
Hugo’s face had nearly split from his smile, and he had to discreetly wipe away a few tears as Kevin finished up his final graduation platitudes. The students had been riveted and erupted into applause after the speech. But apparently Peder Magnus hadn’t been nearly as affected by his son’s brutal honesty.
“I don’t get why your dad wasn’t impressed with your words,” Hugo shared.
Kevin shrugged and gripped the armrest on his leather chair. “I talked about mistakes, and he’s all about perfection. It wasn’t positive was his main critique. It wasn’t the optimistic, team-building, success crap he was used to spewing at people in his job.”
“Thank God! Who needs that tripe? Honesty is a much better way to effect change, in my humble opinion, and every person fucks up. An internal locus of control is what leads to success after failure, not external bullshit speeches or motivational posters hanging on a wall. You showed our class that we were responsible for our own success, our own change.”
“That was my hope,” Kevin said with a shy smile. “I took a risk. I took a risk with the whole speech, but I did it for the kids in that room, not for my dad, for once. I did nearly everything for that man, up until that point.”
Hugo knew it was true, but he’d always seen Kevin’s speech as the beginning of his own new life, the beginning of his out life.
“It was brilliant. It was honest. How many times had we been told our high school years were our best years?”
“Nearly every day our entire senior year, if I recall correctly,” Kevin quipped.
“Exactly. I couldn’t wait to get out of there. Austin, too. They were far from my best years. College was about a hundred times better, and life just improves nearly every year. Sure, I have to pay my bills now, but shit, I’d rather do that and live where I choose rather than deal with the bullshit of hiding and lying about who I am.
“I know I was still discreet around Austin that summer, but in my head I was already making changes and plans about being out of the closet at the U. And it was partially because of your speech. Add to that the things my dad said before he died, and I was pretty much flaming my first year away.”
“Flaming? So you decided on painting flames on your dad’s shoes rather than the lightning bolts then, huh?” Kevin’s eyes crinkled in the corners as he gave a crooked smile.
Hugo laughed, high-pitched and full, his head falling back as he slapped a thigh. “I can’t believe you remember my dad’s eulogy.”
“I’m not the only master orator in the room,” he teased. “I remember because it was such an amazing visual to me. I could picture you literally painting on your father’s shoes because, at the time, I don’t think you really believed you’d ever be anywhere as great as you thought he was.”
Hugo leaned forward and met Kevin’s gray eyes, giving him a serious look. “I don’t think we’re meant to fill our dads’ shoes. Our dads’ shoes fit their feet, not ours.”
Kevin sobered, swiping his hand over his mouth, slowly pinching his lower lip between his thumb and fingers. “I know that now. I knew it a long time ago, but I’ve just recently learned to listen to the other voice in my head, the one that isn’t influenced by my father. It got louder after Dad died. I’m trying, Hugo, but I was never as strong as you. I’ve made some huge changes in the last year. I finally told Erin I wanted out. We’d practically been roommates since Finn was a toddler.”
“You don’t have to tell me about this if you don’t want to, Kevin.”
“No. You should know.” Kevin took a large swallow of wine, which finished off his glass, and he quickly excused himself to get the bottle from the kitchen so he could refill both their glasses. After getting resettled, Kevin faced Hugo straight on and took a deep, steadying breath.
“I wasn’t home much. I traveled for my job before I was promoted six months ago. Despite not wanting to with all of my heart and soul, I became like my father, so focused on success I lost sight of what was important. Absent. I’d like to think I wasn’t quite the prick he was, but….
“When the kids were born, Erin buried herself in their lives. All she talked about was what was happening with the kids. Not that I didn’t care. I really did. I was missing out on it because I was all across the country trying to sell fertility equipment to hospitals and clinics. I appreciated her updates. We’d Skype so I could talk to my kids and see Erin, say good night, at least. But we drifted apart. It’s hard to maintain a good marriage through a computer screen, especially when all she wanted to do was focus on the kids and never us.
“But then she started getting restless when Finn was about one, going a little stir-crazy. She wanted to move. For some reason she was suddenly convinced that if we moved to a different house, everything would be better with our marriage, with our lives.
“We were doing well financially, but if we moved, it would mean a higher mortgage. It was the housing boom, so properties were going fast and for a lot more than they were worth. We were already in Edina, which is about as pricy as you can get here, but we’d bought our house before any of the crazy housing bubble stuff happened. We were sitting pretty compared to a lot of our neighbors. I refused, but she kept working on me.
“She eventually convinced me to sell some stock to make a hefty down payment on this place instead, and we fixed it up.” Kevin gestured to the lake house, and Hugo followed his gaze around the beautiful home. “This was supposed to be a place to come and reconnect as a family, but it ended up being something else. Suddenly, I was working more hours to pay two mortgages and spending even less time at home. I wanted to sell this place, turn it around after all the updates and make a profit, but by that point, Erin refused to sell. When she was in junior high, her parents bought a cabin near Detroit Lakes, but they sold it about five years ago. I think that’s why she wouldn’t let this place go. She hung on for dear life because she never wanted our kids to fear water like she did growing up. I kept it because I wanted to make my marriage work. I wanted to keep my family together.”
Hugo took sips of wine, content with quietly listening and giving Kevin the chance to unload that he seemed to need.
“Anyway, that doesn’t really matter. I don’t know why I even brought all that up except, maybe I’m still trying to justify things to a fricking ghost. Dad told me to liquidate my assets and sell. What my wife wanted for our kids or our marriage be damned. It’s illogical, but Erin wanted our kids to grow up with water in their lives.” Kevin started laughing, but it wasn’t a kind or nice laugh. It was bitter and sad. “We live in the land of ten thousand fricking lakes. There’s water everywhere,” he said with a raised voice and hands gesturing in the air. When his palms came down and slapped on his knees, he shook his head and just looked sad.
Hugo moved to sit on the arm of Kevin’s chair, fingers caressing the soft skin at the nape of his neck. Why it felt so natural to do so was hard to pinpoint, but Hugo didn’t question it aside from his initial fleeting thought. They sat in silence for a few minutes; the only sounds they could hear were the children laughing with Summer down at the beach. It was a really good sound, and it seemed to shift Kevin’s mood slightly so he could speak again.
“I already felt like a stranger to my wife and kids, but all the extra work just made it worse. I could afford this place; I just didn’t realize the price I was actually paying. I know I screwed up.
“The crazy thing about it all is that Erin thinks it’s completely her fault too. With me always gone, the kids were it for her. I’d get home on a Friday or Saturday, and then she’d head out with her friends because she needed a break from being so kid-focused. Even though she loved being the classroom mom, PTA president, and all that, she also needed to be with other adults. I just wasn’t the adult she wanted to be with anymore.
“Long story short, if that’s even possible at this point.” Kevin chuckled as he squeezed Hugo’s knee in apology. “We went to couples therapy. We tried to salvage things. But there just wasn’t a way to do it. The fighting was starting to happen in front of the kids. Brooke was having problems in school, and Finn was wetting his pants again. It was the stress. Erin started getting these horrific migraines that would last for days. I was screwing my family up.” Kevin shook his head in defeat. “She’d been dropping subtle hints about letting our relationship go for months. I always blew them off, pretended I didn’t hear her. In therapy, I was fighting so hard to not have our marriage fail, but not so hard at trying to make our marriage succeed. When I realized I couldn’t even feel love for Erin anymore, I finally agreed to a divorce and suggested it in therapy one day.
“And to add insult to injury, five months after we separated I got a huge promotion at work which doesn’t require any travel, and I got a raise. Paying for both houses is easy now even with a simple forty-hour workweek. I’m around more for the kids, which I’m glad for, but I can’t do the same for Erin. There’s been too much distance for too long.”
Hugo didn’t know how to respond. He gave Kevin a slow nod while looking into gray eyes, trying to determine if there was anything to say in this situation, or would his words just sound empty? He finally decided he needed to say something.
“I know you said you’ve made a lot of changes. Did you finally agree to the divorce after your dad died?” he asked, fully anticipating the answer he got.
“Yeah. Coward until the end.”
“Kevin, don’t say that about yourself.”
He shrugged and sat forward in his chair. “I don’t know why it matters, but I’m pretty sure my dad would’ve seen the divorce as just another reason I was a failure. But it’s done. Well, almost.”
Hugo’s head swiveled quickly so he could get a better look at Kevin’s face. “What do you mean almost?” He could hear the concern in his own voice, the fear.
“We’ve been separated since last August, so eleven months. We’re just waiting for our court date before the divorce is final. We’ve already hashed everything out with lawyers, so it’s basically our day in court. That’s all.”
“And she has custody?” Hugo asked, not entirely sure about how custody worked aside from what he’d learned from his friend Carl who’d gotten a divorce after coming out in his forties. He saw his kids from time to time, but they lived with their mom.
“We’ll have joint legal and physical custody. I get them every other weekend, some Wednesdays, and we have a holiday schedule. We’re already trying to use the schedule we’ve agreed on to see how it works. I wanted the Fourth of July, but it was her holiday. That’s why I had to drive to get them yesterday. They were all visiting her parents earlier in the week.”
“Wow. Sounds complicated,” Hugo admitted.
“It is. I think we talk more now than we did during the last five years of our marriage. We get along better now too. That took some intense therapy sessions where we were both forced to grow up and shift our focus away from each other and on to creating a good working relationship for the kids’ sake. It’s like, once we were able to drop all the anger and resentment we’d held on to for so many years, we were able to go back to who we used to be. I don’t think we’d even liked each other, let alone loved each other, for years. But she’s a really great person. I like her now. I can even envision us being the great friends we started out as in college.”
“Not to be redundant,” Hugo said, “but wow. I have very little to say beyond that. Wow.”
Kevin chuckled and smacked Hugo’s thigh. “What, no war stories for you?”
Hugo shrugged but then decided to go for broke. “I haven’t had sex for over a year because of my cheating ex.”
“Why’s that?”
“It’s not a pretty story. We’d been together for three years, and I thought we were exclusive. So when he pushed to get rid of condoms, I didn’t really give it enough thought. It was just us, and it had been for well over two years. We didn’t ever bring anyone else into our bedroom. There were no random hookups. We went and got tested regularly and nothing ever showed up. It was stupid, I realize, now that I know he had regular fuck buddies that last year.”
“Man. That’s bad.”
“Yeah. You’re telling me.”
“How’d you find out?”
“Walked in on him fucking a guy without a condom on. I went to the doctor and told them what happened, and they considered PEP.”
“PEP?”
“Oh sorry. Postexposure prophylaxis. Basically, you take antiretrovirals if you think you might’ve been exposed to HIV, but it turns out I wasn’t, thank God.” Hugo always quickly added that last bit of important information when telling people this story.
“I’d say.” Kevin sounded relieved, but Hugo knew he needed to give him more reassurance considering what they’d already done together.
“They aren’t fun drugs to be on, and the doctor wasn’t sure it would help anyway, considering the timing. The exposure could’ve taken place months prior to me finding out because I didn’t know the history. I hunted my ex down and told him he had to get tested and that I wanted the results of every test he’d had in the previous year. He ended up going to the clinic with me and talking to the doctor I talked to. He admitted to bare-backing the kid I walked in on him with but said that was it. Supposedly, the kid was fresh off the farm when they hooked up.”
“I take it you weren’t convinced,” Kevin guessed.
“No. I didn’t know this kid, but I found him and talked to him. Turns out he really was as green as my ex said, and I took him to get tested. I told him to never let a guy he didn’t know and trust fuck him raw again.”
“I hope he listened.”
“Me too. Anyway, we were all clean, but it put me off sex for a long time. And I got tested every chance I had because I didn’t trust the results. Each time I tested, I expected to be positive, but I finally got to the point where I trusted the results.”
“That’s certainly a war story.”
“Of a sort.”
“Come on. Enough of the psychological mêlée in our heads. If we keep this up we’ll never eat. Let’s get the veggies on the grill now that they’ve had time to marinate.”