Standing next to their bed Alex Douglas-Ross braced his forearm against the wall and watched his husband sleep. He noted that over the last few weeks several white strands had dared to salt themselves through Jared's dark auburn hair, matching the silver at his temples. It didn't make him look old, no one ever put him at fifty, much less his very real fifty-five. With an unconscious need for physical contact Alex reached out to touch the silk of his hair, but jerked his hand away just before his fingers brushed against the fine strands. He needed his rest.
Jared's naturally fair skin never tanned well, but the sight of his current unnatural pallor against the dark blue of the pillowcase constricted Alex's heart, making it painful to breathe. The stark visual, an uncompromising reminder of how long Jared had been out of the sun, inevitably brought his mind back to the afternoon he'd come home to find him lying in a pool of his own blood.
Fighting back tears, Alex buried his face against his arm. He felt ridiculous. He hadn't cried once in the weeks following the accident, but after receiving the doctor's assurance of Jared's full recovery earlier that day, he began to unravel. Now, silent tears wet his face.
Despite Alex's efforts not to disturb Jared, he moved, restless, as if sensing Alex's distress. Dark blue eyes blinked open and Jared's voice broke the silence.
"Hey, come here." He considered reaching for Jared's outstretched hand, but unwilling to burden him with after-the-fact hysterics turned to leave instead.. "Alex, please."
He stopped, torn between the sanctuary offered by the bathroom door and his inability to deny Jared. Slowly, he returned to the bedside. Jared didn't say a word as he lifted the blanket in silent invitation. Alex hesitated only a moment before toeing off his shoes and crawling, fully dressed, into the haven of Jared's arms. He pressed his face against Jared's chest. The security of his embrace, the familiarity of his scent, overwhelmed him and toppled his last barrier.
"You scared me," he accused, struggling to stem the sudden rush of emotion that threatened to break free in another torrent of tears. He pulled away, sitting to snag a tissue from the nightstand to wipe his face and blow his nose.
"I know I did." Jared reached up and cradled the back of his head, fingers tangling in his hair, tugging a little, attempting to coax him into lying down again. "I'm sorry."
With a sniff and a resigned sigh, he settled back into the warm niche against Jared.
"Maybe the next time you get sick you could say something and skip the whole passing out, bashing your head on the cabinet thing?" Alex buried his face into the strength of Jared's shoulder, an unsuccessful attempt to ward off the haunting memory of him lying in a pool of blood. His skin had been too pale, his breathing shallow, and his body had burned like a furnace under Alex's hand.
"I promise. I thought I just had the flu or something. You know the fever didn't crop up until days after my stomachache. I didn’t realize there might be a connection."
"I know." Alex shuddered, only slightly comforted when Jared's arm tightened around him.
He'd heard the story more than once in the last weeks. Feeling achy and feverish Jared had been determined not to miss work and on his way out, he stopped by the kitchen to grab a couple of aspirin. He'd passed out and didn’t remember falling or hitting his head on the marble edge of the countertop. The resulting gash on his forehead accounted for the pool of blood that Alex claimed had knocked years off his life.
"Anybody else would sue them for the misdiagnosis that almost killed you," Alex grumbled. He didn't really believe the doctors had been negligent, but he couldn’t help wanting to hold someone responsible for his terror as he’d waited for them to figure out what was wrong with his husband.
Jared hugged him a little closer. "You know it wasn't a misdiagnosis, just incomplete. I did have septicemia. It's not the hospital's fault that instead of getting the blood infection from some outside source, I walked around being poisoned by my own body. They saved me. By all rights, I should be dead."
Alex shuddered.
Ruptured appendix.
Alex had appendicitis as a child. They'd cut out the useless scrap of organ and, much to his mother's dismay, he'd tried to go back to school three days later. As a result, he'd never thought of having appendicitis as being serious, much less life-threatening. His simple laser surgery was a far cry from what Jared had gone through after walking around for two or three days, poison leaching into his entire system. Jared hadn't regained consciousness after arriving at the hospital. Even after they began treating the infection he'd lain still and silent, white as the sheets covering the sterile hospital bed. The continuous drip of antibiotics into his arm from an IV the only thing that stood between him and death.
"You should not be dead, so don't say that. Not ever." Alex choked out the words, tears threatened again and he held on to Jared, refusing to acknowledge the few that squeezed out to trace his cheeks.
Alex's lack of control made him feel half his age. He'd been a pillar of strength throughout the whole horrifying experience. His fear for Jared's life had only increased once the doctor explained the source of his infection. A burst appendix often proved fatal under the best circumstances. Survival usually dependent upon swift and accurate diagnosis, Jared had received neither.
He'd remained steadfast and made decisions about Jared's life with unwavering confidence. He stayed at Jared's side, holding his hand, talking to him, and showed no sign he believed in any outcome short of full recovery. His assurance worried the hospital staff. Jared’s doctor and his nurses had gently tried to prepare him for the unfortunate reality that things may not turn out as he hoped. Alex waved them off, refusing to listen. He didn't have the will to contemplate the idea of losing Jared. As long as Jared breathed, hope beat in his chest.
"Alex." Jared inhaled deeply, he had more to say. It weighed between them, but instead of speaking, he buried his face in his hair.
Alex clutched him. After the surgery, he had been so pale he seemed bloodless, and Alex still didn't remember exactly what the doctors had said they'd done beyond removing the appendix. He had a vague impression of something about washing Jared's insides, but that couldn't be right, and whatever they had done wouldn't have been in the sudsy kitchen sink that tormented Alex's dreams. He had better recall of his elation when, after the surgery, the antibiotics had begun to work. The doctor grew cautiously hopeful, and though rarely conscious, Jared regained a little color.
The day they'd taken out his staples, leaving a glaring red wound across his abdomen that made Alex wince every time he saw it, the doctor finally told him in plain English that Jared would be fine. Not long afterward he graduated to oral medication and Alex got to take him home.
"You know the chances that you and I are going to exit this world at the same time are very slim." Jared finally voiced his thoughts, though spoken with gentle compassion the words tore at Alex's heart.
"No. You are not allowed to leave me." His jaw clenched and his hold on Jared tightened.
Bringing Jared home had been the beginning of a new trial for Alex. Keeping Jared in bed when he felt so much better had often been a practice in futility, but he had suffered every moment with grace and patience. Only two things mattered. Jared was home and healing. The horrible alternative had been avoided. Knowing what could have been, turned the endless arguments over whether he was ready to climb the stairs, cook dinner, or water the plants into a strange celebration of life.
If he's arguing, he's improving.
Alex had taken the doctor's words to heart. He'd weathered it all just to fall apart when he had nothing left to worry about, since, beyond all medical expectation to the contrary, Jared had recovered.
Jared cupped his face in his hand, and used his thumb to swipe away the few straggling tears. "We have to face reality. I'm fifty-five, you're fifty-one. We aren't getting younger and this could as easily have been a stroke or a heart attack."
"Shut up." Alex propped on an elbow to glare down at him. "Shut up or I'm never letting you eat bacon again."
"No bacon?"
"Not a single bite." Alex smirked at Jared's dismayed expression. "We've ignored the reality that something might happen to one of us for the last thirty-five years and I don't see any reason to change that habit just because you think you're old. We'll go vegan if that's what it takes to make you stop talking about heart attacks and strokes."
"Vegan?" Jared looked horrified.
"Vegan." He kept his voice firm despite the urge to laugh at Jared's reaction.
"Well, now that I consider all the circumstances, I think it's much more likely we'll die peacefully together in our sleep on our one hundredth anniversary." Jared hurried to change his tune and even managed to look as if he had convinced himself.
"Exactly."
With Jared's insistence they talk about surviving one another safely averted, Alex could relax and enjoy being in bed with him for the first time in too long.
* * * *
Silence fell between them, allowing Jared time to study Alex's face. He understood what Alex was going through. His recent illness hadn't been the first time one of them had a brush with death. Tilting his face with a gentle touch, he brought Alex's mouth to his and tasted tears in the kiss. His misery wrenched Jared's heart, driving him to make impossible promises.
"I'll never leave you."
"I know," Alex breathed. His fingers slid into Jared's hair and his body pressed close. Jared's breath caught at the feel of Alex against him. He slid his hand under Alex's shirt to the small of his back and brought their hips together, allowing him to feel his rising interest. "You know, the doctor cleared me for all activity and I've missed you." Jared stroked the tender skin under his fingers.
Alex made a sound low in his throat, fingers tightening against Jared's scalp as he rubbed against the thigh Jared pressed between his legs.
"Oh, God, Jared."
Heat curled through Jared in reaction to Alex’s soft sight of submission. He growled his arousal and deepened their kiss. He pulled his husband’s slighter form under his as he worked the T-shirt off his arms. They parted long enough to get it over Alex's head before their mouths locked together again. Jared settled into the welcoming cradle of Alex's hips and plundered his mouth, licking deep before tangling their tongues. Alex suckled hard in return, sending tiny shocks of pleasure through Jared. He groaned, rutting against the hard bulge of Alex's cock, only to hiss sharply and jerk away when the action rubbed his tender scar against the rough denim.
Alex's expression transformed from passionate to concern in the blink of an eye. "We shouldn't be doing this." He propped up on his elbows and tried to move, but Jared restrained him with a reassuring hand on his chest.
"It's fine. The doc said the scar will be sensitive for a while. There’s an easy fix." His hands went to the button fly of Alex's jeans. "We'll remove the source of my discomfort."
Shaking his head, Alex opened his mouth to protest, but whatever he'd been about to say died on his lips when Jared slid the buttons of his fly free, one after the other. His knuckles brushed the soft skin of Alex's belly, and they both trembled.
They hadn't been together for weeks, not even a stolen hand job to help pass the time. Alex's fear of losing Jared kept them on the straight and narrow all the way through his lengthy convalescence. Jared had never been so relieved to hear the words 'you may resume full activities'. He blushed a little remembering the amused curl of the doctor's lips at his questions meant to ensure Alex understood 'full activities' included sex.
When the last button opened, he raised his gaze to meet Alex's, sliding his fingers inside to rub the hard length of his cock through the soft cotton of his boxers.
Alex's eyes closed and he groaned, lifting his hips into Jared's touch. "How do you do that?" he gasped. Still propped on his elbows, he let his head fall back.
Heat licked through Jared's veins at the sight of his exposed throat.
"Do what?" He leaned forward, unable to resist the temptation to lick a long line from the hollow of Alex's neck to behind his ear.
"Make me feel like if you don't touch me I'm going to die." With a low moan he dropped from his elbows to sprawl across the bed.
Continuing to torment the soft skin behind Alex's ears, Jared found the opening in the front of Alex's boxers and slid his hand inside, brushing against the hard flesh trapped there. Crying out softly, Alex arched into the brief touch.
"Oh God, just like that."
With a low murmur of appreciation, Jared eased Alex's jeans off his hips. "Mmm." He licked along Alex's jaw, lapping at the sandpaper texture of his chin. Jared's beard grew in slowly making it possible, even in his fifties, to skip a day shaving if he wanted. Alex's coarser hair gave him the beginnings of his five o'clock shadow by late afternoon and it annoyed him. Jared didn’t mind. He’s developed a weakness for the rough masculine feel of rough stubble against his skin.
Alex turned his face away without warning. With a gentle touch, Jared cupped his chin and turned him back to meet his gaze. The doubt Jared read on his face came as no surprise. His exuberant confidence had been taken a beating many years before and though he’d healed, it often gave way before his worry about aging.
His eyes shadowed, Alex fingered his stubbled chin. "Don't you ever miss the boy?"
The dark places Alex sometimes slipped into didn't concern Jared as they once had, because over the years he'd learned how to dispel them. He rubbed their cheeks together before pressing his lips to Alex's ear.
"Why would I miss the boy when I am so enamored by the man he grew into?"
Alex quivered beneath him, gasping when Jared’s breath brushed his skin. His eager response quickened Jared's pulse, reminding him of everything he'd missed while being sick.
He stripped Alex the rest of the way out of his jeans and boxers with practiced hands, and returned to his place between his thighs with a hum of pleasure. The slide of their cocks was a familiar caress of satin encased steel. Jared felt the pulse of his lust with every beat of his heart. He braced over Alex, struggling for control, determined to pleasure him first.
Jared wanted to drive him to heights of passion that would leave him sated and boneless, relaxed in a way Jared knew had eluded Alex for weeks. With that goal in mind, he mapped Alex's body with his eyes, smiling with smug satisfaction when he quaked with anticipation. Jared leaned and nibbled along his collarbone, causing him to shiver under the contact with a quiet gasp. With a growl of satisfaction Jared moved on licking and biting his way down Alex’s chest. The lube Alex tried to press into his hand caught him by surprise. It wasn’t like Alex to skip straight to intercourse. He loved foreplay so much sometimes Jared thought he liked it best.
Worried his illness may have triggered more than Alex’s brief struggle with his self-confidence, Jared looked up to meet his gaze. "Alex?"
The shadow haunting Alex’s eyes was more troubling than his nonsense about aging. Uncertain of his state of mind, Jared reluctantly closed his fingers around the tube.
"I need you now, Jared, please." Breathless, Alex tugged at him. "We can play next time."
Jared couldn’t resist such a plea. Heat coiled in his belly at the idea of being inside him, and his hard-won control slipped another notch. Bracing a forearm on the pillow beside Alex's head, Jared leaned down for a kiss, at the same time slipping a well-lubed hand between them. Alex gasped and spread his legs, his heels digging into the mattress.
"That's good," Jared whispered, pulling back to watch his face when he pressed a slick finger inside.
Alex gazed at Jared through half-closed eyes, his body a tense line of anticipation as he waited for him to continue. Jared ignored the need burning through him, to gauge Alex's reaction, watching closely for any indication of pain or discomfort. Seeing no sign of anything but Alex's hunger, evidenced by his impatient shifting against the sheets, Jared added the stretch of a second finger.
"Jared." Alex moaned and clutched his shoulders. His hips moved in rhythm with the slow glide of Jared's fingers. A third finger joined the others. He gasped, arching off the bed.
"Oh, God. Jared." His head fell back, baring his throat, fingers digging deep into the muscles of Jared's arms.
Heart racing, Jared ran his teeth along the taut tendon in Alex's exposed neck, and Alex quaked under him. After so many years together, he didn't have to be told when Alex was ready. He ignored the grumbled half-hearted protest when his fingers eased free of his body, and shifted position to kneel between his thighs. Slicking his cock with long slow strokes, Jared trembled under the touch of his own hand. That, combined with the sight of Alex spread out under him, almost snapped his remaining restraint. He clenched his teeth, the muscles in his jaw bunched and jumped.
"Not going to last." His gaze raked over Alex from head to groin. "God, you're so hot."
With a wicked grin, Alex edged his legs up Jared's thighs until they wrapped around his waist.
Jared whimpered when Alex wrapped his fingers around Jared's, tightening his hold on his cock and urged him to stroke faster. Their eyes locked, Jared grasped the back of Alex's straining thighs and pushed them against his chest. Panting, sweat beading his skin, he pressed forward, breaching Alex’s body in a slow steady movement that didn't end until he bottomed out. Buried to the hilt, Jared let go of his legs to brace his hands on the pillow on either side of his head. With a soft grunt, he clenched his eyes shut, his hands fisting in the pillow as he struggled for an ounce of restraint.
Alex went perfectly still under him. "Does it hurt?"
"Yes, but not the way you mean." His voice rough, Jared didn’t give him time to protest. "You're still thinking too much." He cupped the back of his head, fingers threading through the persistent curls and brought Alex's mouth to his in a bruising kiss.
Alex grabbed his arms and a moan of pure ecstasy escaped his parted lips as Jared withdrew in a single smooth motion before burying himself in the welcoming heat once more. He slid his cock over Alex's prostate with a practiced motion that made him shudder and gasp for air. Jared gentled their kiss. His languid licks into Alex’s mouth belied the fire of need burning low in his belly. Determination alone kept him from pounding the body under his into the mattress as he loved Alex with every touch against his skin, and each stroke into his body. Before long he’d reduced his husband to a quivering wreck, each exhale a ragged plea for more.
The heat of Alex's body gripping him, coupled with his intense reaction, undid Jared. His gentleness burned away in the raw need that consumed them. Kisses bruised, teeth bit, and hands grabbed.
Jared pounded into his body, and Alex’s legs edged higher, locking around his ribcage. Heat curled his toes, bringing alive every nerve in his body as he thrust into Alex.
"Touch yourself," Jared panted. "Now."
Obediently Alex wrapped his fingers around his cock and settled into the familiar motion between them, his hand brushing Jared’s belly with each frenzied movement. The feel of Alex tensing under him as he approached completion drove Jared over the edge. He thrust hard into him a once more and back arched, muscles quaking, he shouted his release.
Coming down from his own high, Jared rested his forehead on Alex's, breathing his air. He knocked Alex's hand away from his cock, closed his own around it with a tight grip and a flick of his thumb he knew drove Alex crazy. A second stroke paired with a well-timed twist and Alex cried out, shuddering as his dick jerked and cum painted Jared's chest. Alex clutched him, as he shuddered against him in the aftermath of his release.
Jared made a soft pleased sound and caught Alex's mouth in a gentle kiss, stroking his softening dick, easing him down. He murmured nonsense words into their kiss in an effort to soothe and comfort him. Alex's trembling faded and his tongue licked into Jared's mouth, sliding against his with familiar ease. They remained joined as their heartbeats slowed and their breathing quieted, but when the adrenaline rush from their love making faded, Jared's arm trembled from the strain of bearing his weight. He broke the kiss and of course Alex identified the problem immediately.
"Damn it, Jared." Alex pushed at him. "Lie down."
Jared reached to uncouple them, unable to suppress the moan of regret at being separated from Alex. He didn’t move away at once, remaining in the warm cradle of his thighs. He braced his traitor muscles to enjoy a few more seconds covering his husband.
"Jared." Alex’s tone threatened dire repercussions if he didn’t follow instructions.
"Shhh." Jared attempted to placate him with a pat on his hip, but Alex didn't relax until he eased onto the bed. Unwilling to let Alex go, he urged him onto his side and pulled him close. Jared spooned behind Alex, and the simple embrace felt like coming home in a way nothing else had.
"We need to clean up," Alex commented but he didn't move.
"Later." Jared didn’t want to get up and wasn't entirely sure he could if he tried. His hand slid up through the cooling cum on Alex's chest and he nuzzled the dark curls at the back of his neck. Shot with gray in the light of day, they were as dark as those of a boy in the shadowed room, reminding Jared of Alex's question.
"Do I miss the boy? How silly are you?"
An embarrassed shrug indicated Alex's need for such reassurance had fled. Relieved, Jared pressed a kiss to the back of his neck, hand moving to cup Alex's hip, fingers pressing into the tattoo of their names imprinted on the tender skin.
"We'll be together forever, I promise."
At his words Alex sighed happily, and covered Jared's hand with his own. Satisfied all his worries had been sidelined, Jared entwined their fingers and tangled their legs. Sleep tugged at him. Cleaning up would have to wait until he had some energy. He let go of Alex's hand long enough to pull the blanket over them. Alex snuggled closer without protest.
Jared smiled, pressed warm lips against his ear. "I want to grow old with you."
He gave a sleepy laugh. "I think we've already done that."
"You haven't seen anything yet. I'm just getting started."
Alex sighed, content. His breathing deepened as he slid towards sleep.
Jared squeezed his hand. "I love you."
The only evidence Alex heard came in the slight hitch in his breathing and the way he melted back against him, warm and trusting.
His face buried in Alex's soft hair and surrounded by his scent, Jared swallowed against the emotion choking his throat. "God, how I love you."
Alex breathed deep, already sleeping, he missed the unprecedented repeat declaration of Jared's affection, but he didn't care. The warmth of their love spread through him, a therapeutic solace that gave him everything he needed to finish healing. Their love always had been enough, no matter what.