I don’t know if you’ve even owned a pair of hair straighteners, but if you do you’ll be familiar with the TERROR that comes from being at school and suddenly wondering if you’ve left them switched on. That is how I felt about Nico. I’d be going about my business when suddenly I’d be hit by a crippling panic seizure.
What were you thinking? You dumped NICO MANCINI FROM ACTION STATION. Are you out of your tiny mind?
I had a newfound understanding of how Swift felt after Styles.
Did I cry? Yes I cried. It felt like I was free-falling and couldn’t see the ground. With Nico I’d always felt so secure, so wrapped up tight, and now that security was gone. The flip side of freedom is insecurity.
And as for Polly … well, that was playing with matches. I gave her a wide berth. I didn’t want Nico, I didn’t want Polly, I just wanted things to be easy again. I was beginning to think I was a drama coeliac – totally intolerant of any drama of my own.
I think Mum and Dad sensed something was wrong even if I hadn’t explicitly told them Nico and I were over.
I remember one Friday evening I came downstairs from my fusty bedroom lair to make a cup of tea. I paused outside the kitchen when I heard voices. They were arguing – well, passive-aggressively. ‘It’s a Friday night!’ Mum said through what sounded like gritted teeth.
‘What’s that got to do with anything?’
‘I’m allowed a sodding glass of wine, Eric.’
‘Why? I’m not having one.’
‘Oh is that how it works now? You can’t keep moving the goalposts. I said I wouldn’t drink during the week and I haven’t. Satisfied?’ I frowned, pressing my ear against the door. This was the tail end of a conversation I sensed had started some time ago. No drinking during the week? When had that rule been introduced? Now that I thought about it, I don’t think Mum had been drinking every night over dinner. I hadn’t even noticed with all my stuff going on.
Wow, maybe Dad had finally said something. Or even set an ultimatum. That was interesting – and I honestly wasn’t sure if it was a positive thing or not. ‘I don’t see why you need a drink if –’
The floorboard I was standing on gave a creak. Busted. I had no choice but to power into the kitchen like I hadn’t heard anything.
‘Hello!’ I announced fake-brightly. ‘I just fancied a cup of tea.’
They both busied themselves in different cupboards, guiltily.
The next morning, the argument seemingly benched, Dad asked me to accompany him into town. Some new graphic novels I’d pre-ordered were waiting for me at the comic-book store, so I begrudgingly agreed, though my instincts were telling me to hibernate for the rest of the summer. I went ahead to the seedier end of the high street to pick them up while Dad went into the hardware shop to buy something to deal with the wasp nest he’d found at the end of our garden. The comic shop was sandwiched between Taboo, a sex shop, and Christian Aid, which I always found amusing.
I paid for my books and chatted with Milo the Cute Comic Book Guy for a while. Now that he’d got to know me a little, he was kind of my authority on everything manga. Depressingly, as one of very few females to set foot in that shop, I’m kind of catnip to guys in there. I’m practically a celebrity. I won’t lie, without Nico, it was good to know I had options … even if most of the customers were about thirteen. I heard one guy once mutter to his friend that girls only read comics to impress guys. Yeah, that’s what it is. We’re playing the Long Game, my friend.
After I left the shop, I ambled to the end of the street where I’d said I’d meet Dad. He wasn’t there yet. From this level, I could see over the beach, the promenade and Fantasyland. What was left of it, I should say. JCBs clawed and scraped at the ground like dogs after bones. What was once our playground was now a dirt pit. A hole.
At the entrance to the building site were three enormous skips piled high with memories. Even from the high street, I saw the fake Mickey Mouse sign snapped in half to fit in the dump, a pile of timber from the pirate ship. The penis Loch Ness monster had been reduced to rubble.
It was a ruin.
You know what? Heartache is a very real thing. The longing for that place physically hurt in my chest. Now that some time had passed I realised trying to save the golf course was far from trivial. I missed Fantasyland and I missed Daisy, and the two thoughts twisted together in a double helix. I remembered what Nico had said about want and that made my heart hurt even more because it reminded me that I no longer had Nico.
I was a ruin.
‘Tor? Are you OK?’ It was my dad; I don’t know how long he’d been watching me.
I almost said I’m fine, but I didn’t. ‘I’m sad.’
‘I know.’ He gave me a hug and I felt about five years old and that felt nice. ‘It’s a shame. I’m proud of you for trying to save it though.’
I looked up at him. ‘You let the police cart me away.’
‘Aw, that was designed to teach you a lesson. I was arrested at a protest once.’
‘What? No you weren’t.’
‘I was! 1985. The National Front wanted to march through Bradford so we formed a human shield to keep them out. It turned violent though and I was arrested. I was only ever cautioned, mind.’
I couldn’t keep a smile off my face. ‘No way! That’s so cool.’
He winked. ‘It must be me you get it from. Shall we go down and have a look?’
‘It might make me sadder.’
‘I meant go down and see if there’s anything we can pinch out of those skips!’
Isn’t it lovely when people surprise you in a good way?
Luckily, none of the crew working that day seemed to recognise me as one of ‘The Brompton Two’ so we were left to rummage unchallenged. We must have looked well povvo, but the skips were a treasure trove. I found part of the windmill (where I’d first met Him), the mast of the pirate ship (where I’d watched the stars with Her), but what I really wanted was the seal. ‘Can you see the seal?’
‘Not yet.’ Dad was hanging over the side of the largest skip, his legs dangling in midair. ‘There’s a skull? Do you want a big skull?’
And then I saw it. The Disapproving Seal was underneath a tarpaulin, next to the skips. I peeked underneath and saw it was with the volcano and some larger rocks. I wondered if they were being sold as scrap or something. ‘Dad, look!’
He allowed himself to drop over the rim and back to solid ground. ‘Have you found it?’
‘Yeah. But it’s a bit broken.’ Where the diggers had torn the seal off the course, they’d ripped his flippers off and chunks of plaster were missing from his side as if a great white had taken a bite.
‘Oh, well, that’s OK. Shall we put it in the garden?’
I couldn’t quite believe what I was hearing. ‘Mum will kill us. It’s not even our garden.’
‘Tor, Mum isn’t nearly as uptight as you think she is. Do you want it or not?’
It wouldn’t be the same. I couldn’t save Fantasyland but I could at least keep a memento. It was Daisy’s shrine too. It shouldn’t end up on some scrapheap.
‘Yeah. Can we really keep it?’
‘Sure. But can we lift it?’ It was heavier than it looked – I suppose it had never occurred to me that the seal was made of solid stone. I took the tail end and Dad took the head. We lived at the top of a hill. There were the coast stairs to contend with, but we did it, even if we had to stop every hundred metres to have a rest. As soon as we got back to the high street we bundled the Disapproving Seal into the back of the Disapproving Cabbie’s car.
Despite looking at Dad the way you might look at a puppy who’d made a puddle, Mum took it in her stride. I had underestimated her. She didn’t care in the slightest, although she did say, ‘God, what an ugly thing,’ which was quite fair really.
We positioned the grumpy seal in the back garden (away from the wasps). It looked kinda ridiculous, but when hadn’t it?
‘Thank you, Dad.’
‘That’s OK. I’ll just have to nip in and get some codeine for my back. Hope it cheers you up, love. These last few months have been bloody hard work for you.’ He licked his thumb and wiped a bit of muck off my face. I scrunched my nose in protest.
I was going to argue, say I was fine, but I caved in. I nodded. My ass was feeling a little kicked.
‘I’m going to make a cup of tea, do you want one?’
‘Yeah. Two sugars please. I’ll be in in a sec.’
Dad headed for the kitchen and I was left with the seal. I wondered about repainting it, but I didn’t want to lose the judgemental little face. I looked up to the clouds and stroked the seal’s head.
Epiphany time. I had so much to be grateful for. I know it’s tacky to say ‘count your blessings’ but I did. I had so much good in my life. I had great parents who, while far from perfect, were looking out for me. I had great friends. Between Nico and Polly I had almost too much love going on. And now I had a Disapproving Seal. You know what? It could have been a lot worse.