It was a lot to take in. Admitting there’s a monster under the bed doesn’t make the monster less terrifying. In fact, it only makes you avoid bed altogether. Now I couldn’t see Polly.
And so I went for a walk on the beach. As forlorn as Brompton-on-Sea was, I had grown to love the on-sea part. There’s something soothing about being able to look out that far without interruption, to see where the world curves. I loved the spookiness of the wraith-like sea frets that rolled inland on cool days, to be burned off by the mid-morning sun. Honestly, I’d started thinking about Sussex as a university choice so I could stay near the coast.
I ignored the shell of what would soon be the new diner and walked along the beach towards the cliffs. As I recall it wasn’t a very nice day. The sea and sky were the same heavy, grungy grey, pressing in on me like the pages of a book. It had rained earlier and it was going to rain again, so the beach was pretty deserted except for a couple of dog walkers and a kamikaze surfer dude braving the elements. There’s always one.
Oh Christ on a bike, what was I supposed to do now? Hi, Polly! Let’s give it a go! I don’t know if I like girls, but you’re literally all I think about. I legitimately bore myself replaying our conversations in my head! If I could I’d talk about you all day long to anyone who’ll listen. I’m a one-girl fandom!
Another stubborn little troll at the back of my mind didn’t want to prove her right. God, she’d be insufferable. That said, that was some textbook cutting off my nose to spite my vagina.
A yappy sea wind tugged ribbons of hair around my face and I didn’t see Nico’s mum until she was waving a hand under my nose.
‘Toria! You’re a million miles away!’
‘Oh hi, Mrs … Sofia. How are you?’
Further up the beach, their beast of a dog nosed through sand and seaweed. He seemed happy doing his thing while Sofia strolled alongside carrying a leash and poop bag.
‘I am very good. How are you, my dear? You seem … so deep in thoughts.’
I pulled the hair off my face, wishing I’d brought a band. ‘No, no, I’m fine. How’s Nico getting on?’ I asked, none too subtly changing the subject.
‘Oh, he’s doing exactly what he is supposed to be doing. He is very happy I think.’
And that did lift my heart. Whatever I was feeling, Nico was OK. I wanted only good things for that boy. ‘Good. Good, I’m glad.’
Sofia considered me, her lips tightening. ‘Toria, my sweet, sweet girl. Tell me what’s wrong. Walking all alone on the beach like this is very dramatic. You can’t be happy.’
Shit, I was gonna cry in public. Again. I could feel it. I could feel it poking the back of my eyes. I blinked the bastards back. ‘Ha! I’m sorry! I must look so emo! I needed some space.’ I swear I left my body and judged myself from on high for saying that sentence aloud.
‘What’s the matter?’
I shook my head. I found I was unable to say what the issue really was, so I fudged it. ‘It’s just … a lot, you know? Like Daisy. And Nico and me breaking up, then he left and I’ve … fallen out … with Polly. God, and then there’s next year. It’s a lot.’
Sofia smiled sympathetically. ‘Come here, sweet girl.’ For someone so tiny she gave a surprisingly beary hug. ‘Nothing endures but change.’
I pulled back and wiped the tear that had escaped away. ‘Sorry?’
‘It’s a quote. It means that change is the only constant. Nothing stands still. Would you want it to?’ I’m pretty sure my face must have been looking vacant because she carried on. ‘Pick up a pebble.’
‘What?’
‘Just do it! Humour me!’
I reached down and picked up a smooth silver pebble with almost pearly stripes running through it. I brushed sand off it and went to hand it to Sofia.
‘How does it feel?’
I turned it over in my palm a couple of times. ‘Pebbly.’
With a smile, she took it from me and hurled it across the beach. Buster went to see what she’d thrown. ‘Do you think you’ll be able to find that same pebble in a day’s time?’
Was this a riddle or something? ‘No. Probably not.’
‘And do you think you can reach out and touch the memory of it?’
‘What? No … that’s impossible.’
‘Exactly! The past! The future! What is the past and the future? The past is pictures in your head. They are not real: you cannot reach out and touch them, and you should only spend so much time looking at them. And as for the future … who knows! That pebble might still be here tomorrow or it might be washed out to sea.’ Sofia took both my hands in hers. ‘There is only the now, Toria. It’s the only thing that’s real, that is solid. Don’t waste time with the past or with the future. If you spend all your time there you are not living at all. They are nothing. What are you going to do now?’ she asked with a broad smile. One of her front teeth was missing a corner.
Oh yeah, she was talking some primary-school-assembly philosophical Buddhist mumbo-jumbo, but the really annoying thing was: I saw her point. Daisy was gone, Nico was gone and tomorrow is the day that never arrives.
Right now what I felt for Polly was that stupid magic pebble. And I had to do something about it.