Chapter Fifteen

Two days later, the old cookstove burned hot with early morning baking. Grace raised the fog-stained window by the front door a few inches, hoping to lessen the stuffiness filling the room. A new snow had covered a world damp and brown and empty, and she marveled at the glorious change. From this height, she could see a scattering of Christmas lights in the valley below at all hours of night and early morn.

“Everything changes,” she whispered. An assurance she hoped for herself.

The baby twisted, and she postured to give him more room to do so. She placed a firm hand on her belly, certain a foot was the cause of her current discomfort, and caressed the bulge.

“Now, my little one, be patient. I want to meet you, too.” Grace glanced around the barren room. “I just hope I have a real home for you when you arrive.” Looking at her only option for now, she worried she could not uphold those words. A tear fell, then another, and before she could cross the short distance from the front window to the sink, she was again a flood of emotions. She had made a mess of her life and in doing so, another would be forever infected by it. What she would give to hear Charity or Faith spring forth words to comfort her right now. Charity certainly would have seen right through the likes of Freeman Hilty, that’s for sure and certain.

Her sisters’ faces, one by one, came to her. Life had been strained in her daed’s haus, and she was not the only one who felt it, but they had all been close, as close as sisters could be, lessening the mundane. She missed them. Missed their voices. Grace missed late night chatter and girlish giggles that wafted into the late hours. All would be less lonely and far easier to manage if she had not been made to come here. Wiping her face with a dish rag, she remembered how Aenti Tess said the pregnancy would cause tears to come. Elli said so, too, when she found herself unable to contain them after church last Sunday when the Bishop Mast seemed to have spoken straight to Grace’s heart. That’s all this was. Her body changing, “hormones” Elli called them, and soon it would all be right again. Soon…the word brought forth a new run of tears.

Two hours, and a couple dozen not-so-perfectly-iced cupcakes later, Grace gathered her emotions, and stepped outside for another stick of firewood. The world of cloudy white took her a bit to adjust her eyes to, but once everything became clear, she couldn’t help but feel in awe at the sight of trees bearing the weight of winter. It was a whole different view than yesterday at this hour. Cedars cascaded to the earth, frosted like the icing she spread just moments earlier on the cupcakes for the Country Kitchen. The sun peeked through, illuminating God’s sprinkles of the season. Mercy always called them that. Charity said the glittering flecks looked like diamonds. Not having ever seen a diamond, Grace settled for God’s sprinkles.

Christmas was just two weeks away, and there was still so much she wanted to do before her life would change again. Excitement welled up inside her, anticipating becoming a mother. Finally putting a face to where all her love was aimed. What wonderful aentis her sisters would make. No matter how Daed spoke to her on the day she left, once she returned, she would always have her sisters.

With memories of her sisters still frozen in her thoughts, Grace lifted a smile. She had made few wages but put them away in the old coffee can hidden where Aenti had instructed, and was recently able to purchase new gloves for each of her sisters, rare garden seed the local feed store still had lingering in a forgotten bin for Hope, and even new shoes for Mercy. That girl wore out any hand-me-downs given her in no time, and Grace thought it would be nice if she was given something new, and only belonging to her. Being a middle child, Grace knew what hand-me-downs felt like. But being the youngest, and certainly the most active, had to be worse.

She quickly added more wood to the fire, and resumed boxing the muffins Aenti Tessie agreed to deliver. The frosting set well this time, and she was glad to finally get better with the old cookstove. Burning so many delicious cakes and muffins already, she made it her top priority to master its aging decline.

“Gut morgen, Grace,” Tess said, stepping inside the front door without the courtesy of a knock. Grace was just glad to have company. “You should get Cullen to tend to that,” Tessie continued, willing the door to shut while shaking loose snow from her shoes. No wonder the door would never work well. It was meant to swing in, not out, and the confusion had obviously worn the thing down.

“Danke for delivering the muffins today. I hope the hill did not give you much trouble,” she said, not addressing the comment about Cullen. He had done so much for her already, including warning her about Freeman, and yet she’d practically called him a gossip and sent him away. She would be lucky if he ever spoke to her again.

Tess waved off the comment, too stubborn to let a snowy incline with ruts as deep as barrels sway her. The baby shifted again and a sudden urge to visit the outhouse sent Grace bounding out the same door, with less resistance.

When Grace returned, her aenti had loaded the three boxes for Sadie and was oddly waiting patiently at the table. “I’m sorry,” Grace said, cradling her belly, “this little one has been a bit restless of late.”

“That will only worsen. It is normal. You can wear those sanitation pads if need be.” Grace grimaced at the thought. Being pregnant for nine whole months had freed her of that encumbrance and she wasn’t in any hurry to return to it.

“Wait until your time does arrive. The pain you feel in your heart from that Englischer and my bruder will be nothing but a memory.”

How was that supposed to make her feel better? Grace wasn’t a child—she knew that birthing was a painful thing, but Mutter had told her often the memory of it faded the moment you held Gott’s gift in your arms. Aenti Tess seemed terribly confident for a woman who never had a husband or kinner.

“I will manage. Have no choice in that.” Grace shrugged.

“Nee, you do not.” Tessie reminded her. A long silence grew between them. Grace turned to the counter and wiped the already clean top.

“My bruder means well, you know. He is much like our daed. They mean well, but sometimes they forget about the forgiveness part.” Tessie stared off as she spoke the words.

Grace blinked, taken aback by her aenti’s words. Maybe she understood more than Grace thought.

“Have you forgiven?”

The heat of the room shifted into a freeze, and a shiver ran up Grace’s spine.

“I forgive my daed for sending me away. I brought shame to him and our family. It is just hard to accept what we deserve, I guess.” Grace collected her baking dishes to ready for washing.

“And?” Tess’s stern brow lifted again, drawing Grace out.

“I want to forgive Jared, for leaving me after promising me so much. I need to forgive him,” she said, lowering her head, letting her own mumbling words take root. She did need to forgive Jared. She was just as responsible as he was for where she was right now.

“You should, though I expect forgiving a man like that will be hard. Gott instructs us to have forgiveness in our hearts, to offer it freely.” Tess cleared her throat, and a dark cloud fell over her normally stern expression. “You must also forgive yourself. You made a mistake, you have done what you needed to for that mistake, but if you don’t forgive yourself, you will never be able to move forward and live the life Gott has planned for you.”

Grace hadn’t thought of that. How could she consider forgiving herself when she wasn’t worthy of others’ forgiveness? She stiffened against her vulnerability and locked gazes with her aenti.

“Daed said anyone can confess a sin, but that Gott knows the heart and sees how sinful it is.” She was glad they were able to share this time. Grace had no one to talk to, not about things so private. Tessie got to her feet and moved toward the door.

“Benjamin Miller doesn’t know what it takes for a body to confess their sins publicly. He doesn’t know how it feels to beg forgiveness of the church,” she said with a lace of contempt. Tessie was capable of being more than she appeared. Kindling cracked against the forces of heat in the stove nearby, breaking their connection.

“I am leaving to deliver your things before it gets much colder.” Tess pointed to a sack in the corner. “Your mail and some light reading. Do you have plenty of wood?”

Grace looked at the sack curiously. She had mail, words from home? She was eager to dive into the bag. “Yes and you already gave me a book.”

“One can never learn too much,” Tess almost grinned. “Rest when you can,” Tess continued. “You will need your energy these next weeks.”

Then as suddenly as she appeared, the slamming of the door followed her exit. Grace went to secure the door latch and couldn’t help but find herself smiling. Aenti Tess was a confusing sort. One minute fussing, the next spouting wisdom. Could she forgive Jared? Really forgive him? Could she forgive herself?

Cradling her middle, she peered into the sack. She reached in and pulled out a book. What to Expect When You’re Expecting. It was twice the thickness of the first book. Grace thumbed through the pages. Her eyes widened at the vivid pictures on display, and she quickly closed it again.

Light reading? She chuckled.

She set the book aside and sifted through the letters. The first envelope was from her mutter, most likely another list of Bible verses like the last, reminding her to beg forgiveness of her sins. She had—begged, that was. Lord knows she had. But not just in a room of the bishop and deacons that knew not of her heart, but in her own room with Gott as her only company. Was that what Aenti Tess meant? She set her mutter’s letter aside. She was in too good a mood to let words from home change it again.

A second letter was nothing more than someone wanting to lower her interest rates. She tossed it back to the counter for burning later. The last envelope was from her sister Charity. Faith and Hope had written her once since she arrived, but these were the first words she had received from her eldest sister. Being the eldest made Charity less fun and a bit harder, but her love was always present in her tender smile and caring arms.

At the sound of a second buggy climbing the hill outside, Grace let out a groan. Both letters from home would have to wait, and she went to the door. Stepping out onto the porch as the two work horses drew nearer, Grace couldn’t help but smile.