Chapter Twenty-Nine

“Is that your Amish boyfriend?” Jared jeered, tugging uncomfortably at his dark jacket.

“Why have you kumm?” Grace caressed Stella against her to keep her hands busy. Jared stepped farther into the room, stopping short of the chair Cullen had been sitting in all evening.

“I came to see you. So you’ve lived like this for months, alone?” His dark coffee eyes, now duller than Grace remembered, scanned the room in the time it took her to slow her racing breaths. Calm, she reminded herself. She wished she had Cullen’s talent, but hard as she tried, Grace knew she didn’t.

“I am not alone. I have Gott and I have freinden.” She nuzzled the kitten. “And Stella, of course.”

“Friends? Like that blacksmith? Does he come here often?” He lifted a brow, his short-cut hair made an eerie V in the front.

“That is none of your concern. But there is also Elli, Betty, Hannah—she has a little one and we are the same age—and Aenti Tess. I have many freinden despite being left here,” she said in a clipped tone.

“You say that like you’re happy.” Regret filled the lines of his gathered brows. Was he doubting his reason for coming here?

“I am. I will not let you take that this time.” She lifted her chin to portray strength.

“Grace, I…I’ve missed you.” His voice had softened. Did he? She once felt that longing. While writing three letters he didn’t bother to respond to, she pined for him to come stand by her, commit to her and the future he had promised. Did he know how she assured her family he would, only to have his lie become her own? Now, as he stood there, the epitome of a man capable of doing good, she wanted nothing from him. Felt nothing for him.

“Where have you been, then? A man who misses his family would not be gone so long, would not say he did not care for you or the child he helped create.”

“I was in Texas. I still am in Texas, actually, just on leave for a few more days.” He wiped his hands down his dark blue britches. He hadn’t aged a bit. He looked younger, stronger, and capable of breaking many more hearts.

“What is in Texas?”

“Goodfellow Air Force Base. After basic training in Missouri, I did a four month basic course there. I attend the D.O.D. Fire Academy now.”

Grace had no idea what any of that meant. She didn’t care.

Sensing her confusion, he added, “I’m training to put out fires and save lives.” Was this what Cullen referred to as ironic? She believed so and reined back a grin threatening to surface.

“I am certainly glad you have changed, grown up,” she said, hoping to end the conversation.

He crossed the room and took her hand. The dark eyes that once enticed her revealed a hurt. “Grace, I have grown up. I can’t apologize enough. Please forgive me.”

“You are forgiven.” She pulled her hand away with a yank. He had no right to touch her.

“Really? Just like that? I can see you’re still angry. You never were one to hide your feelings.”

She hated that he knew her that well, but she wasn’t angry. Not anymore. Gott had forgiven her, she had forgiven herself, and anger had no place in any future she wanted for her child.

“I forgive you. No need to yell or stomp. It is our way; we are to offer forgiveness to all. If that is what you have kumm for, you have it now and may leave. I have much to do.” She turned to walk away, at least as far as the sink. Being this close to Jared was now uncomfortable.

“Come back with me,” he pleaded.

His request brought her beating heart to a halt. The thought of leaving Walnut Ridge to live with a man she didn’t love sent a ripple of pain through her middle. Not now, she silently encouraged her anxious boppli, stretching inside her. It was enough that her back ached all day, and now the tension of this unwelcomed visitor was spurring what she expected to be a tremendous headache.

Arching her back ever so slightly as to not draw attention, Grace lifted her chin and took a deep breath. She was no longer the girl who trusted sweet words and promises, but a woman, and soon to be a mother who would choose to do what was right and best for her and her child. She had wrestled long enough with deciding whether letting Jared back into her life was right or not.

Jared lived for adventure, for chasing dreams, and she had seen it in him the moment they met. Funny what we chose to ignore when blinded by what we wanted. Grace suppressed a smile just thinking what an adventure she had been sent on. A journey, really, finding herself, meeting wonderful people, gaining wisdom, all the while not becoming part of Jared’s tempting world, as her father had predicted.

“I want to do the right thing now. We will live near base—it’s a bit bigger than this—but you won’t have to live the way you always had to. I mean, if I knew your father would send you to live like this, I would have come sooner,” he added in a rushed breath. If he truly read all three letters she had written him, he would have known. Another lie on the serpent’s tongue.

“You want me to leave the Amish. Leave with a man who ran at the first sign of hardship?” This was who she was. Plain. And Plain was who she would continue to be.

“I said I’m sorry about all that,” he said. There was the boy she knew, temper quick to unleash when one couldn’t see his way.

She wouldn’t indulge him this time. “I am Amish. There is nothing out there worthy of losing that.”

“But what about my child? Will you force him to live like this, too? I should have some say in that.” Grace had accepted being her child’s only parent for so long now, she hadn’t considered that. Would he challenge her? She had heard how many Englisch divorced and shared their children. Would Jared dare put her through more than he already had? A bead of fear slid down her right temple.

“She will be happy and raised to trust Gott.”

“You can’t possibly want to stay here! Look at this, Grace.” Jared waved an arm over the room. “It’s not even the size of your daed’s smokehouse.”

“I won’t live here forever.” Oh course she wouldn’t. The moment Elmo Hilty saw her in a buggy with Cullen tomorrow, it would all come to an end. Grace could only hope Tess would go against her daed’s command and take her in. The Lord will provide, she whispered to herself.

“Where will you go? You can’t do this alone.”

Now she allowed herself to smile.

“I am never alone. And where we,” she patted her middle, “go is up to Gott. He will provide just as He has been all this time.” And she believed that with all her heart. “When I thought I would go hungry, food was provided to me. When I thought I might freeze, I was warmed by an endless fire.” Jared’s mouth was open, his eyes wide and looking at her like she was some exotic creature. “When the literal wolves came to my door, I was protected. When I felt lonely and afraid, He sent me freinden and safety. I can do all things through Him.”

“God won’t put a roof over your head, feed you. Come with me,” he pleaded now.

How had she ever fooled herself that Jared knew what was best for her? And had he not listened to a single word she had just spoken?

“Why now? Why should I come with you?”

“Because I love you. I still love you. And I don’t want to be known as the man who left his pregnant girlfriend to rot on some Amish hillside.” That was it—the real reason for his return. Guilt was a hard swallow and she for one knew its resistance.

“Because that would make you look like less of a man?” she asked.

He threw his hands up in the air. “I should have known this was stupid.” Jared paced the floor, leaving watery puddles everywhere. “Doesn’t our child deserve a father? To be raised with both parents? Thought you believed in that sorta thing.”

He was playing on her weaknesses just as he had a winter ago, but he was right, and the weight of it sent tears falling. Jared rushed to her, enveloped her in his arms. “I’m sorry.”

Stepping out of arms she had once ached to be held in, Grace wiped the tears from her face and cleared her throat. “I know you are, and I am sorry, too. I see this is hard for you, but I will not leave with you, nor do I want a life with you. We both made a horrible mistake, but we don’t have to let it follow us for the rest of our lives. You have this life, a life you talked about endlessly, and I have a hope. If Gott had wanted us to be together, then He would not have made us live in different directions. You wanted my forgiveness, but now I think it is time to forgive yourself and make peace with this.” Tess’s wisdom slipped off her tongue.

“How do I do that?” He hung his head. “How do I walk away? How do I face the men I work with knowing I can never measure up?”

“We can start by praying.” She motioned to a chair. “I can show you how to do that before you go.”

…

Cullen brooded all the way down the hill. Surely Grace would want what was best for her child. And what was best was for them to be raised by their father. Even if she had feelings for Cullen, hopes in a future beside him, Grace would choose the father of her child. Wouldn’t she? It was the right thing to do.

Here Cullen thought his heart could never ache more than it already had. He was wrong about that. Grace said she could never leave her faith, but that was when Jared Castle was a distant thought. Now he was a close competitor.

Cullen had to trust Grace, and leave it all in Gott’s hands. Grace was right that some things in this world he could not simply fix. “I give it to you, Lord,” he said as the flying snow pounded his face.

At the base of the hill sat a cherry red truck. The impulse to kick the tires as he stormed past entered his thoughts. Childish, yes, and the way his day was going, Cullen would most likely break a toe. Not only had he interfered, telling Jared nothing of Grace’s whereabouts, but Grace was angry with him for it. He passed the truck and trekked through the growing inches of snow underfoot, looking out across his fields. In the flurry of white the lamplight reflecting from his kitchen window beckoned him in the right direction to the warmth of his home. The home he had hoped just yesterday Grace would one day share with him. Shrugging his coat up higher on his neck, Cullen grumbled all the way through the storm to his empty house.

A woman was the center of the home, the nurturer, the life giver. She would be lost out there in a world that could never love her as he did. The thoughts of her child raised in a world that treated its women so disrespectfully heated his already fueled anger. And what about her child, in that world, instead of here where he would be loved by many? He brushed away any evidence of fear and worry along with quick-melting flakes still coming down heavily over him and all of Walnut Ridge.

…

Grace stepped out into the windy snowfall and wrapped her deep blue shawl around her shoulders. Taking a breath, she listened to the sound of Jared’s boots crunching through the snow as he walked over the hill to retrieve his truck parked at the bottom. He should have known by now tires weren’t as trusty as a good hoof in matters of snow and mountains.

In hindsight, Grace was glad Jared had kumm. Years from now she would never have to look back and regret not getting closure for the both of them. And to know she might have made some difference in his life instead of being the burden he once called her felt surprisingly good.

In the blink of an eye, life changed, and Grace finally felt ready to face it.

The events of the day had worn her ragged, and despite the longing to talk to Cullen filling her, Grace needed some rest. Tomorrow was Christmas, and if there was one thing Grace knew, she could depend on Cullen to show up. She shouldn’t have overreacted as she did. Of course he wouldn’t have been the most informative when Jared asked for her whereabouts. She hoped he didn’t lose any sleep over it. And what better way to share the Lord’s big day than with the man she loved by her side? And she did love him, more now than ever, and she would no longer make him wonder if she did. Tomorrow she would tell him how she felt and pray he still felt the same, too.

Pouring herself a warm cup of tea to soothe her nerves, Grace sipped gingerly and readied herself for bed. The ache in her back had not fully disappeared and she hoped for a scratch of sleep regardless of it. She untied her apron and hung it on a nail nearby. Tugging to lift her dress over her head took more effort every day. The wind outside began blowing against the small frame of old wood and time-worn windows. She slipped into her nightgown, leaving on the thick wool socks that would fend off any chill and crawled under the heavy quilt Betty had gifted her.

Hopefully the old shack would not fall so easily as the porch had under Cullen’s strong hand. She touched the place on her cheek where his callused knuckles had grazed. Grace closed her eyes, faithful that tomorrow would bring the best Christmas ever.