24

The next morning, a snarling prison guard led Ronnie and me to a large concrete room with several tables and chairs. It was empty except for what appeared to be some parents making a heartfelt visit to their distraught son. The guard looked at his clipboard as we entered the room. “Jesus, you guys sure do have a lot of friends in prison. Who the hell do you want to see first?”

“Lester,” I said. The guard’s eyes widened, and his snarl dissipated a little. “Hey, I read about you. You put your brother here, didn’t you?”

“No,” I said. “Lester was a victim.”

The guard laughed. “Right. Sit wherever you want. He’ll be out in a minute.”

Hoping to avoid the drama playing out in the rear of the large room, we sat as far from the other family as possible. Still, I couldn’t help sneaking glances. The kid couldn’t have been more than twenty-five, and seeing him with his parents, in tears like that, made him look even younger. The mother reached across the table and put her arms around his neck, pulling his head toward her shoulder. He began to sob.

Ronnie chuckled. “Fucking pathetic.”

“Shut up,” I said. “Have some decency.”

“Now you’re a family man, huh? You’re a real piece of work, Earl. Must be nice to go with whichever way the wind blows.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means here you are feeling all misty-eyed over family shit. Your family never did nothing for you or Lester. And the thing is, you know it.”

I was about to point out that he’d done some things for his family over the past few days, but before I could, the door in the back of the room swung open, and Lester appeared. My breath stopped, and I looked away, not wanting to meet his gaze. Not like this.

Lester looked broken. Not just on the outside either. Sure, his shoulders were slumped, and he’d gone totally bald, and there were new dark spots on his face that looked serious enough to see a doctor about, but there was a deeper brokenness there too. The kind that was unmistakable. The kind that resided in the eyes and was always searching for something to latch on to, the kind that was always seeking help without the hope it would ever come.

I forced my eyes back up to meet his. I was surprised when I didn’t see any anger there. That too seemed to have been broken. I stood up and reached out for him. He embraced me limply. I didn’t want to let go. My brother was a ghost, and I couldn’t help but feel responsible for his death.

He nodded at Ronnie, and I noted that he didn’t seem surprised to see him with me.

“Hey,” I said. “How are you making it?”

He sat down across from us and clasped his hands beneath his chin in a prayerful gesture. “I’m alive.”

I swallowed hard. “Lester, I’m sorry it’s taken me so—”

He waved me off. “Don’t. Please. Let’s just be brothers for a few seconds,” he said. “With none of the damage.”

“Okay.”

Ronnie cleared his throat. “You had any trouble in here?”

He shook his head. “Nah.”

“Good for you. I had a friend who was sent up on a five-year stint. When he came out, he told me the first week was brutal. Said every swinging dick in the place got a piece of him. They turned him out. Was fucking terrible.”

“Ronnie,” I said. “Jesus. Take it easy.”

“It’s okay, Earl. I’ve seen that happen to others. But I was lucky.”

I was curious now. “How so?”

He looked at me with something like pride, and I saw that he wasn’t completely finished yet. There was a still a small spark left inside of him, even if it was from the wrong kind of fire. “Daddy.”

“Daddy?”

He nodded. “He’s a legend, Earl. I never realized how much so, but when me and Billy got here, word was already going around that my daddy had risen again. That me and Billy still talked to him, and that if you knew what was what, you’d leave us alone.” He shrugged. “And they pretty much did.”

He leaned in, searching my face. “Did you ever find him, Earl?”

Ronnie shifted in his seat and cleared his throat. I thought he was going to let it all out of the bag, but Lester wasn’t paying any attention to Ronnie anymore. His eyes were on me, and me alone.

I considered telling Lester about my final encounter with Daddy. Hell, if anybody deserved to know, it was him, but the time didn’t feel right. He was obviously still haunted by the man. I realized now that what I had misread as prison “breaking” him had, in fact, been the same thing that had always dogged him—our father. Somehow, he was still obsessed with the man, and I didn’t think telling him I’d killed him and buried his body in the mountains was a wise idea just now.

“No,” I said. “I didn’t find him. He never overcame death, Lester. He was just a man.”

Miraculously, this seemed to cheer him up a little. He reached out for me and hugged me again. “Thanks, Earl.”

“You’re welcome,” I said, even though I wasn’t completely sure what I’d done other than lie to him. But maybe his thankfulness was a sign. I’d done the right thing.

When Lester pulled away, he looked over at Ronnie. “Would you mind giving us a minute?”

Ronnie raised his eyebrows and tried to appear offended, but Lester didn’t notice, and I was used to his histrionics and said nothing. He sighed, seeing neither of us was going to take the bait, and stood up. “I’ll just see if they sell smokes around here.”

Lester and I watched him walk over to the guard window and ask to be let out. When the door closed behind him, Lester turned and looked me over.

“What?” I said.

“I’m just trying to understand it,” he said.

“Understand what?”

Lester shook his head. “You always did like to push the boundaries.”

“What in the hell are you talking about, Lester?”

He glanced back at the door before turning to me. “Ronnie Thrash. He’s a loser, Earl. Why would you bring him here?”

Now it was my turn to sigh. I should have known it would be about Ronnie. Seemed like everybody I cared about was telling me to stay the hell away from him. I might have listened to them too, but I didn’t have that luxury anymore. And as much as I hated to admit it, the Ronnie thing had gone beyond just needing him to keep his mouth shut about what had happened between me and my father. I really did need him now. He was my ticket to a world I couldn’t access otherwise. Not to mention, now that I’d helped his niece and nephew, we’d become even more inextricably bound.

“Look, Ronnie’s not perfect, Lester, but none of us are.”

“He’s a thug, Earl. You know that. He has no plan for his life other than getting high and getting drunk.”

I felt myself growing angry. I didn’t want that. I’d spent my life trying to reconcile with my brother and then ended up indirectly being responsible for him going to prison. Add to that my failure to visit him for over a year. No, I simply couldn’t live with myself if I lost my temper now.

I’d keep my damned mouth shut. Change the subject. “So,” I said, “any news from your lawyer?”

“I’m serious, Earl. As your brother, I’m telling you, don’t let this guy into your life. He’s a loser.”

“Damn it, Lester. Let it go.”

“Are you using drugs, Earl?”

I slammed my fist on the table. “You’re being awfully self-righteous for a man whose great plan in life was pastoring a church that did far more harm than good,” I said.

“Earl,” Lester said, reaching across the table and touching my hand softly, as if he wished to calm me, “you know I was oblivious to all that. I only wanted to do good. It’s like I said when I testified, my sins are ones of omission. Sure, I was in charge, but those things that happened don’t reflect who I am.” He patted the back of my hand again, and I felt the desperation in his touch. He badly wanted me to agree, to forgive him and clear his conscience.

But I wasn’t about to do any such thing. “That’s your problem, Lester. You’re oblivious to everything. You never could see the way Daddy was tearing you apart. And when I saw it and left, you doubled-down on the fundamentalism, didn’t you? Hell, you can’t ever figure out the right side to be on, can you?”

“Not everybody can be as smart as Earl Marcus. Have a little humility, Earl. You’ve made a hell of a lot of mistakes in your life too.” He withdrew his hand from mine and curled his fingers into a fist.

My ears were hot, and my head felt like it might explode at any minute. I was past the point of thinking clearly, and that was why I said what I did.

“The only mistake I ever made was not taking Maggie out of the mountains sooner.”

Maggie. The very mention of her name changed the air in the room. The family at the other table fell silent, sensing it too.

Lester sat back in his chair, twisting his face up into a scowl. “There he is, ladies and gentlemen! The real Earl Marcus in all of his asshole glory.” He stood up. “Don’t bother coming to see me again, okay?”

He waved at the guard, who came in and escorted him out.

And just like that, I’d undone any goodwill I’d built between the two of us during my brief visit.