Grace found it almost impossible to sleep that night. Thoughts of Captain Edward Hathaway, memories of their time together that afternoon, plagued her mercilessly. She wasn’t experienced when it came to men, but she had a very good idea why he wanted to see her again, and it wasn’t to court her.
He wouldn’t be staying in Somerset long. In fact, he’d probably already have departed if she’d told him who she was and accepted Freddie’s letter. No doubt his extended visit left him with too much time on his hands and he was bored. He thought her a widow, and women in such a position were known to take lovers. She’d never thought to find herself tempted by the idea of having a brief love affair, but heaven help her, she was.
She was already four and twenty. Not old enough to be considered firmly on the shelf, but with each year that passed, she got closer to that point. Her engagement to Freddie hadn’t been formally announced, but it was known that she wasn’t free to entertain offers of marriage. That didn’t mean there hadn’t been gentlemen who’d flirted shamelessly with her. There had even been a few who’d hinted at a similar arrangement to what she suspected Hathaway was offering her now, but she’d never been tempted to accept them. She’d actually started to wonder if she should go ahead and marry Freddie when he returned—no other man had come even close to stirring her romantic interest, and at least she and Freddie shared a friendship and mutual respect for one another. She’d known they would have been content together.
Then she’d met Captain Hathaway, and suddenly all the things she’d read about in the horrid novels to which her sister had introduced her years earlier made sense. The long, meaningful glances, the way her heart seemed to beat more quickly whenever he was near. And heavens, it had threatened to stop beating altogether when he’d kissed her. It had been a chaste kiss, but if she’d read him correctly, he’d meant to continue. If he hadn’t called her by her sister’s name, reminding her of her deception, she wasn’t sure she would have had the strength to pull away.
As the new day dawned, bright and clear, she had to face the truth—she wanted to experience more of what Captain Hathaway offered. This might be her only opportunity to know passion. But in order to engage in any type of love affair with the captain, she would have to keep pretending to be her sister, and she wasn’t sure she could continue lying to him.
Somehow she made it through the day, though she couldn’t say afterward what she had done to occupy her time. Looming ever present in her mind was Hathaway’s warning that he wouldn’t give up his pursuit of her.
She was no closer to reaching a decision when late afternoon approached. She only knew that one way or another, she would be seeing Captain Hathaway again. Would she be brave enough to reach for the pleasure he promised with every look and touch, or would she allow propriety to dictate her actions when he called on her? It wouldn’t take much to end his pursuit—all she’d have to do was tell him she’d misled him and be honest about who she was.
Grace’s room overlooked the front of the house, so when a carriage approached she saw it right away. For a moment, she thought her parents had returned earlier than expected, but as it neared she recognized it as belonging to her sister.
It would appear her dilemma was at an end. If Captain Hathaway was paying attention to the comings and goings in the area, and she believed him thorough enough to be doing just that, he would soon learn of her sister’s arrival. He would think it was her returning from the fictitious trip she’d invented to keep him from discovering her identity. When he called on the morrow, he would discover the truth.
She wanted to believe she would have been honest with Captain Hathaway the next time they met, but wasn’t sure she believed it.
She made her way downstairs and waited outside for the vehicle to come to a halt, watching as a footman helped her sister and then her maid down from the carriage. They looked alike, she and Helen. Like her, Helen had fair hair and blue eyes. They were only two years apart in age and had often been mistaken for twins by strangers meeting them for the first time. A pang went through her when she realized that if Captain Hathaway had, indeed, met Helen first, he would have been pursuing her instead.
“This is a surprise,” Grace said as she embraced her sister. “Are you just visiting, or will you be staying?”
Helen linked her arm with Grace’s, and together they moved into the house and headed for the drawing room. Over her shoulder, she asked a footman to bring tea.
“I’ll be here for the rest of the summer. I’ve received word from London that Mama and Papa plan to return soon. They’ve been worried about you and wanted me to check on you, and since I had nothing to do at home…” Helen shrugged and dropped onto the settee. “It is so good to finally get out of that carriage.”
Grace’s thoughts returned to Captain Hathaway as she asked, “Did they say when they would be returning?” She chided herself even as she asked the question. She knew what would happen now. The captain would learn of her deception and, after giving her Freddie’s letter, would leave long before her parents arrived.
“Papa still has some matters to attend to, but I know they hope to be back before the end of the month.” Helen hesitated, examining her intently before asking, “How are you doing? I was devastated to hear of Freddie’s death. I can only imagine how much worse it was for you. If I’d known you were here by yourself, I would have come down sooner.”
Seeing the sympathy in her sister’s eyes, Grace remembered, again, that day one month before when they’d received the news. It had taken her days to get over the initial shock and grief at having lost a good friend. But the guilt, the feeling that she hadn’t been worthy of Freddie’s regard, had never left her.
“It was difficult. I loved him, but…” She took a deep breath before admitting the truth to her sister. She had only told one other person about her true feelings before today. “I wasn’t in love with him. I think it is safe to say that we both felt the same way about Freddie.”
Helen reached out and grasped her hand, giving it a quick squeeze of understanding before releasing it again. “I suspected as much, but still I’d hoped to see you married and living together happily. Many marriages are based on much less than what you and Freddie shared.”
Grace nodded and had to hold back the tears that stung her eyes. She’d confessed the truth about her feelings, but she wouldn’t dishonor Freddie’s memory further by admitting that she’d planned to end their betrothal when he returned. “Remember how he used to tease us mercilessly about how much we looked alike? Pretending not to be able to tell the difference between us?”
That was all it took for the two of them to fall into sharing memories of all the scrapes Freddie had dragged them into. When the footman arrived with their tea, Grace waited as her sister poured and handed her a delicate cup of the fragrant brew. It was always like this when her sister returned home. Helen fell into the habits that came with being the older sibling, and Grace allowed herself to feel comforted by the fact that her sister would always know what to do.
“I’m so glad you’re here,” Grace said.
Helen took a sip of her tea and smiled back at her. “Are you going to tell me now what is bothering you? Aside from Freddie, of course.”
Grace sighed. She shouldn’t have been surprised. At times Helen knew her better than she knew herself.
“I’ve had a visit from the captain of Freddie’s regiment. Freddie wrote me a final letter before he…” She couldn’t say the words.
Helen was instantly alert. “What did it say?”
“I haven’t read it yet. I did a horrible thing, Helen.”
Her sister’s brows drew together in a frown. “You didn’t destroy it?”
“Oh no, never that.”
Helen’s expression softened. “Do you want me to read it first?”
Grace cringed at the sympathy in her sister’s eyes and her guilt intensified. “I don’t have it yet. When Captain Hathaway arrived, I had him turned away from the house at first. I couldn’t stand the idea of reading a letter from Freddie telling me how much he was looking forward to returning home and about his dreams for our future.” She couldn’t face the censure she knew she’d see on her sister’s face, so she occupied herself with pouring more tea into her cup. “When we finally met, we had something of a misunderstanding.”
“What sort of misunderstanding?”
Grace braced herself as she blurted out the truth. “He thinks I’m you.”
“Why would he think that?”
Helen’s voice was surprisingly free of emotion, and Grace looked up to see her frown was back in place.
“When I refused to take the letter, he assumed and…” Her shoulders drooped. “And I didn’t correct that assumption.”
“Oh, Grace.”
“I know. I’m a horrible person. I’m doing a disservice to Freddie’s memory, and I’m keeping the man here under false pretenses. I told him Grace was away, and he’s waiting to deliver the missive. He says he promised Freddie he would do that.”
Her sister placed an arm around her shoulders and drew her closer to her side. “You are not horrible. You have received a great shock, and I think anyone would understand why you cannot face the idea of reading Freddie’s letter now that he is no longer with us.”
Feeling unworthy of the comfort her sister was offering, Grace pulled away from her. “That isn’t the worst of it.”
“You like this Captain Hathaway.”
Grace closed her eyes as misery flooded through her. “I am a horrible person. He invited me to a picnic lunch yesterday and he was so attentive… And now, since he thinks I’m a widow…”
“He wants more.”
Grace nodded.
The silence in the room was almost deafening before Helen finally spoke. “Well, this is unexpected. I take it you don’t want me to take your place from this point forward?” Her sister correctly interpreted the horror that spread through her at even the thought of Helen being with Captain Hathaway. “I thought not.”
She knew that Helen was only teasing, but it did nothing to lighten her mood.
“You care for this captain.” It wasn’t a question.
“I don’t know. I barely even know him.”
“But…”
Grace slumped back on the settee. “He makes me feel things I never did with Freddie, nor with any other man I know.”
“Is he attractive?”
“Oh yes.” Grace sighed and realized she must look like a lovesick fool. Well, perhaps she was a fool. How else could one explain why she’d been acting so out of character? “But it isn’t just his looks. I’ve met many handsome men in London since Freddie went away, and heaven knows more than a few of them have pursued me, but no one has ever made me feel the way Captain Hathaway has.”
Helen, bless her heart, didn’t condemn her. “Would it be so bad if he knew who you really were? Just tell him the truth. Explain that you couldn’t handle the idea reading Freddie’s letter yet and behaved badly.”
Grace cringed. “I’m going to have to. But I know he won’t feel the same way about me when he discovers who I am.”
“That’s a chance you’re going to have to take. You can’t continue to lie to him.”
“I know,” Grace said, a sense of finality settling in her bones. “It was stupid and cowardly, and now I must face his censure when he learns I’ve been wasting his time.”
When Helen suggested that Grace send him a note asking him to call, she shook her head and explained he was already planning to visit tomorrow. But what she didn’t tell her sister was that she planned to visit him later that night and tell him the truth in private. She’d acted the coward long enough, and she needed to do this on her own.