Only two days had passed since she and Edward had made love, and he’d told her that he would give her time to think about the future. He hadn’t mentioned it, but in the clear light of day the next morning she realized that she’d taken a great risk giving in to her passion. It was then that she understood she could be with child. If that were the case, she would have no choice but to accept the captain’s suit. She’d often been accused of being stubborn, but even she wouldn’t bring shame on her family merely because Edward wasn’t in love with her.
When she awoke to discover her monthly courses had arrived, Grace didn’t know what to feel. Uppermost was the thought that she should be relieved. There would be no baby and, therefore, no reason for her to wed. No doubt, the captain would be beyond happy to hear the news. There was a not-insignificant part of her that was disappointed, but she refused to dwell on the reasons for that disappointment.
She needed to tell Edward he was no longer obligated to marry her, and she felt compelled to do so right away. She set out earlier than normal for her ride that morning, wanting to escape the house before her sister woke and insisted on accompanying her. She thought she’d have to lie to her groom again, but apparently content with the fact that she had returned home safely after her last outing alone, the young man allowed her to leave without protest.
Her chest tightened the closer she got to Edward’s residence. The cottage where they had made love. She wanted to turn around and return to the safety of her home. Instead, she pressed herself to keep going. She left her horse to graze and made her way down the path to the front door. Echoes of the last time she had been there kept playing in her mind. It had only been two days, but they had been two of the longest days of her life.
When Edward’s servant opened the door, she had difficulty meeting his eyes.
“Captain Hathaway isn’t expecting me, but I hope he will see me at this early hour.”
If he thought her a strumpet, he gave no indication of it. In fact, he seemed almost happy to see her. “If you’d like to wait in the sitting room, I’ll let him know you are here.”
She didn’t have to wait long. When Edward swept into the room not one minute later, she was grateful to be seated. He was so tall, so handsome… and the intense expression on his face when he looked at her, a mixture of surprise and satisfaction, left her weak in the knees. She knew then that she had committed the unpardonable sin of falling in love with him. And after she explained why she was there, he would give her Freddie’s letter and leave without a backward glance.
She tried to keep hold of her composure when he moved farther into the room and, instead of sitting in one of the chairs opposite her, lowered himself next to her on the settee.
They were both quiet for what seemed an eternity before he spoke. “I didn’t expect to see you again so soon. I thought I’d have to storm your house and insist on being given entrance.” He was aiming for levity, but his smile did not reach his eyes.
“I never wanted to deceive you,” she said. In that moment, it seemed more important than anything else that he know she hadn’t set out to trap him into marriage. “The last time I visited you, I intended to tell you the truth about who I was.” He frowned, and she didn’t need to hear the words to know exactly what he was thinking. “Yes, the fact that my sister had arrived forced my hand. I wanted to be the one to tell you, and I fully accept that I should have been honest with you right from the beginning.”
The worst thing about lying, even if it was a lie only by omission, was that you inevitably risked having your honesty questioned when it mattered most. She hated that the man sitting next to her now had every reason in the world to think she was still being untruthful with him. She held his gaze, willing him to believe her.
“I don’t understand why you lied in the first place.”
She closed her eyes briefly and sighed, mentally preparing to be completely honest with him. “You assumed I was my sister and I…” She gave a helpless little shrug, knowing her excuse was feeble. “I allowed you to continue in that belief. But I never said I was Helen.”
He frowned, and the disappointment in his eyes caused her to flinch. “I still don’t understand why you didn’t want me to know who you were.”
She took a deep breath before admitting the truth. “I panicked. I knew you were there to deliver Freddie’s letter—I think it’s no secret that I’d been avoiding you for days—and when I ran into you… when you introduced yourself and I shook my head, I wasn’t denying my identity. I was shaking my head because I didn’t want you to give me his letter.”
“And I immediately jumped to the conclusion that you were your sister.”
“Yes,” she said, nodding eagerly, grateful he remembered that moment. “It was stupid and selfish, but when you assumed I was Helen, I agreed even before I knew what I was doing. I didn’t mean to deceive you, but I wasn’t ready to accept that letter.” She looked away then as she admitted, “I’m still not sure if I’m ready.”
He didn’t say anything, and she continued with her confession. If she expected him to believe her, she would have to be completely honest, and that meant revealing things she had never told another person. “I was so angry when I learned of Freddie’s death, but mainly with myself. I’d known for some time before he enlisted that his feelings for me were beginning to change. From time to time I’d catch him looking at me in a way he never had before, and there were moments when I could have sworn he was about to kiss me. I should have dissuaded him, told him that my feelings for him would never be anything more, but I didn’t want to hurt him. And in truth, I didn’t want to lose his friendship. I never imagined he’d enlist, nor that he’d propose marriage right before leaving. When word reached us that Freddie had died…” Her breath hitched, but she drew comfort when Edward grasped one of her hands. “I know he enlisted because he wanted to prove himself to me. I’d teased him for being sweet and kind natured, and I think he thought joining the war against Napoleon would show me he wasn’t weak. But I never thought that about him. I would give anything if it meant he could be here with us again.”
She didn’t realize she was crying until Edward pulled her into his arms, and she went willingly. She’d been trying so hard to keep herself from falling apart—holding back her grief at losing a dear friend and trying to deny the guilt that whispered late at night, when she was alone in bed, that it was her fault Freddie had died. Her head told her she hadn’t done anything for which she should feel guilty, but a small corner of her heart couldn’t help but wonder if she could have prevented his death. If she’d asked him not to leave—to marry her right away instead—he would still be alive.
When she finally pulled away, she was surprised to see the haunted look in Edward’s eyes. His voice was stark when he spoke. “If anyone is to blame, it is I.”
She hated to see his pain and wanted nothing more than to comfort him the way he had comforted her. “I know he served under you, but you cannot hold yourself personally responsible for his death. That dubious distinction goes to Napoleon and the men fighting with him.”
“Freddie received his injuries after saving my life.” Edward gave his head a sharp shake. “He charged in like a damned fool and placed himself between me and the bayonet that was aimed at my back. I never saw it coming. I heard the clash of swords behind me, and when I finally dispatched the devil intent on eviscerating me from the front, I heard his cry. When I turned to help him, it was too late. He’d taken a musket ball to his leg, but at least I stopped the blade that was aimed at his belly.”
Grace’s heart broke at the description of Freddie’s bravery. Yes, she’d teased Freddie and called him too kindhearted for his own good, but she knew that when it came to those he cared about, he was fiercely loyal. She could very well imagine Freddie rushing in to save Edward without thinking of the danger he’d placed himself in.
“That wasn’t your fault. Wasn’t he doing the same thing he’d done in countless other battles? You protected each other as well as you could, and I’m sure the same could be said for every man in your regiment.” He started to shake his head again in protest, but she continued. “His letters were filled not with stories about the battles he’d fought, but about the men he served with. He even mentioned how you’d saved his life a time or two.”
Instead of comforting him, her words seemed to cause him further anguish. “I probably shouldn’t tell you this, and you must promise never to reveal this to his parents. It would devastate them to learn the truth.”
A shiver of foreboding crept up her spine, and in that moment, she wanted to tell him to stop. But her avoiding unpleasantness was what had landed them in this untenable situation in the first place, and she had made a vow not to indulge her need to escape.
She nodded and braced herself for what was to come.
“I was with Freddie right before he died. He’d just given me his letter to you after exacting my promise to deliver it in person.”
The certainty that he was about to reveal something she very much didn’t want to hear grew with each word he spoke, but it was clear that Edward needed to confide in someone. He’d borne whatever he was about to tell her for this past month, and she hoped that by sharing this confidence with her he’d gain a measure of peace.
“I was blind. Edward had lost his leg and he wasn’t his normal happy self, but I never imagined…” He took a deep, shuddering breath before continuing. “I was still in the hallway outside his hospital room when I heard the blast from a pistol. When I returned to his room, it was too late. He’d taken his own life.”
A sob escaped her throat, and if possible, his expression turned even grimmer.
“I failed Freddie twice already, the first time when I ignored his dejection and told myself he would soon come to terms with having lost a leg, and the second time when I took the woman he loved to my bed. I won’t fail him again and leave you to suffer for my own selfishness.”
Deafening silence followed his vehement vow, and when she spoke, her voice was barely audible. “I am not with child.” She could see the protest forming on his lips and cut him off. “My monthly courses began this morning. So you see, there are no consequences to the night we spent together. You are free to go on with your own life.” She mentally added the “without me,” knowing that her voice would betray her feelings if she spoke them aloud.
She expected him to be happy at her news, but his posture didn’t relax and he certainly didn’t exclaim his relief. Confusion clouded her mind when he reached for her hand.
“It matters not that you are without child. You were an innocent, and I have betrayed Freddie’s memory. Nothing has changed.”
“No one knows about us—”
“I know, and I cannot live with myself knowing that I have dishonored both of you.”
His demeanor was so cold. She wasn’t so young that she still entertained romantic fantasies—any foolish notions she’d had of marrying for love had been dashed when she’d witnessed her sister’s marriage to a much older gentleman—but it hurt more than it should have to hear the practical words coming from Edward’s lips.
“Surely your own feelings should be taken into consideration? I know that Freddie wouldn’t expect you to sacrifice your own happiness for him.”
She spoke the truth, but even as she said the words she knew she was fishing for something to tell her she could marry Edward. She couldn’t stop remembering the way he’d been when he’d thought she was Helen. Carefree, flirtatious, and above all he’d looked at her as though she were her own person and not just Freddie’s betrothed.
He dropped her hand and leaned slightly away from her. “My feelings have no bearing on this.”
His words hit her like a slap, and she needed to get away from him before she betrayed just how much his calm, practical manner had hurt her. She stood and took a step backward when he followed suit.
“I thank you for your offer, but I cannot accept it. As I have already mentioned, it was never my intention to trap you into offering for me. And as my reputation is still intact, we would both be better served if we said our good-byes and pretended this entire episode had never happened.”
He crossed his arms over his chest and pinned her with a narrow-eyed stare. It took every ounce of strength she possessed not to squirm under that intense gaze.
He was so cold, so distant now. She couldn’t help but remember the moment he’d changed from the charming man who wanted to get to know her better to this stranger. It had happened the moment he’d realized her true identity. The heat that had been in his eyes when he looked at her had cooled, and his entire demeanor had stiffened. In that moment, she’d known he would forever hold himself separate from her. It was as though Freddie had been right there in the room with them and he still hadn’t left.
“I will take your reluctance as a sign that you require more time to accustom yourself to the idea of marrying someone you barely know.”
Unspoken was the accusation that while she needed more time to accept his offer of marriage, she’d had no such qualms about sharing a bed with him. She wondered what he would say if he suspected that she denied him now only because she was terrified of just how much she wanted to say yes. This man, with his ability to cut himself off from his feelings—from her—was far more dangerous to her peace of mind than any potential scandal she might face if someone were to suspect what had happened between them.
“If you would be so kind as to give me Freddie’s letter now, I will take my leave.”
She thought he was about to argue with her, could almost see the words taking shape in his mind as he continued to stare down at her, but he never spoke them. Instead, he turned on his heel and left the room.
She let out a shaky breath as she listened to him climb the stairs and heard the sound of a door being opened upstairs. He was descending mere seconds later and moved back into the room.
When he extended the letter toward her, she knew they were both reliving the moment when he had first approached her and she had shaken her head and stepped away from him. The moment when he’d come to believe her to be someone else and they’d started down a path they never should have taken.
She was relieved her hand wasn’t shaking when she took the letter from him. “Thank you,” she said before moving around him.
When he let her leave the house without another word, she knew beyond any shadow of a doubt she was doing the right thing. Edward had convinced himself there could be nothing but duty between them, and she couldn’t marry a man who would never allow himself to see her as something more than a responsibility. She would rather remain alone for the rest of her days.