Once upon a time, Josh Merrill liked chaos.
Loved it, actually. Thrived on it.
Loud music, frantic crowds, copious amounts of alcohol—that had been his style. He’d told himself he was young, wealthy, and in love, therefore he should enjoy life. As for all the trouble that had followed him from that philosophy… Well, that had been the jealousy of others less blessed trying to keep him back.
At least that was what he’d told himself.
But the truth was, he’d been an asshole. He’d been young, wealthy, and in love—and an asshole. A five-year prison sentence had taught him that.
And now he hated chaos. Loathed it.
The mob of family filling the church howled—or at least seemed to. His niece’s christening wasn’t exactly chaos, but it was tipping toward it. Enough to make his skin shrink. He clenched his teeth, his breath hissing out as he attempted to hold in his response.
The whole damn family was gathered: Merrills, Morenos, and Spencers from across the state, all come to celebrate their newest addition.
Not him, although he was just back from prison. His two-month-old niece, Gabriella.
Lil, his sister and little Gabriella’s mother, was in the middle of it all, accepting everyone’s greetings and congratulations. Her husband, Adriano, kept close by her side, the baby propped on his shoulder. Adriano’s family had flown in from Brazil, adding a new dimension to the happy blur of the gathering.
“Hey!” A man in his late twenties, close to Josh’s age, raised his hand in greeting. “You’re, uh…” His expression of friendly inquiry dissolved as he realized exactly who Josh was. “Josh, right?”
“That’s right.” Josh bared his teeth, trying to stretch his lips into a fake smile. “Kyle, right?”
“Yeah.” The dude nodded as he moved away. Probably scared Josh was about to shank him. “Good to see you.”
Josh didn’t bother with a good-bye.
An hour to go, and people kept streaming in. As the mood edged toward frantic, Josh edged toward the fringes of it all. There had to be some space without a person. Or noise.
He inched along the wall and tried the handle of the first door he found. Unlocked. Thank God. He spilled out into the side porch of the church and blinked against the sunlight, then found himself staring at the empty preschool playground through the chain-link fence. A sense of enclosure—dark, confining, suffocating—crept up on him, although he was outside this particular fence. Prison still clung to him at odd moments even after being out for a month.
He ought to go back inside the church as soon as he could—it was rude for him to be missing Lil’s big day. Her second big day; she and Adriano had been married last weekend. They figured they’d kill the two birds of marriage and baptism in one week while Adriano’s family was here.
Josh shook out his hands as he stared at the door, noise pounding at it from the inside. He curled his fingers into his palms and released and repeated the gesture. He could endure the chaos and the stares. He had to.
The stares were almost as bad as the noise. The extended family was of course curious to see him, to see what prison had done to him. And then there was his brother Luke—he looked as if he expected Josh to fall apart at any moment. Luke meant well, but Josh hated pity.
Benedict, his eldest brother, was the worst though. His stares were cold, judgmental—as if Josh had already fucked up and Benedict was thinking up his punishment.
This was supposed to be a joyous family occasion, and all Josh wanted was to get the fuck out of there. It had been the same at the wedding. By the end of the reception, he’d been ready to climb under one of the tables. But he’d had to sit there the entire time, displaying himself as the new and improved Josh: stone-cold sober and ready to be a productive member of the family.
The side door clattered open. Josh spun toward it, flinching when it banged closed. He released a breath when he saw who it was. Another refugee from the chaos—Javier, a skinny kid who’d just graduated high school.
Josh almost laughed. Jesus, when had eighteen become “young”?
Javier was the brother of Pilar, who was dating Benedict, Josh’s oldest brother. Or maybe they were engaged. When Benedict did things, he did them deadly seriously. So they probably were.
Anyway, that made Javier and Josh… Well, Josh didn’t quite know.
Javier jerked his chin in greeting. He didn’t talk much. Josh appreciated that.
They stood in silence for several long moments. Josh checked his watch—only fifteen minutes until the ceremony was supposed to start. But he wasn’t ready to go back, not yet.
“You got a cigarette?” Josh asked.
Javier looked at him wide-eyed. “Uh, no.”
“Yeah. It’s a filthy habit.” A better habit than alcohol though, and Josh desperately needed something to take the edge off, something to fiddle with so he didn’t look as out of place as he felt.
“My sister would kill me,” Javier said.
“I could see that.” There was a reason Pilar and Benedict had ended up with each other. Bossy elder siblings tended to flock together.
Josh sighed and drummed his fingers against the metal railing of the porch. So no cigarette then. That was fine—he could survive without it. He drummed some more. God, he wished he had a cigarette.
“It’s pretty crazy in there,” Javier offered.
“Yeah.” Josh worked his jaw. “Does Adriano ever put that baby down?”
Javier laughed. “Nope.”
The baby had never been offered to Josh to hold, not that he wanted to. Something that small and helpless shouldn’t be able to survive. He did not want to be responsible for something so precious, not even for a few moments.
Another quiet beat passed. Another few beats like that, and then they’d have to go in. He took a slow breath, trying to do it silently so Javier wasn’t cued in to how wound up he was.
The door swung open again, and Lil stuck her head out, her cheeks flushed beneath the heavy makeup she was wearing. “Did either of you bring the bonnet?” she demanded without preamble.
Josh blinked. “The bonnet?” Like they wore on Little House on the Prairie? Why did she need that?
“Yes.” Lil circled her own head in frustrated example, wisps of hair waving in the vortex she created. “A little white bonnet with lace that goes with the baby’s christening gown.”
That made more sense. Except: “Was I supposed to?”
He wasn’t, but panic rose anyway. He had to erase his reputation as a fuckup. Even a mistake that technically wasn’t his fault wasn’t going to help.
“No, but we can’t find it and we can’t start without it. Adriano’s great-aunt brought it all the way from Brazil. It was on the dining room table, and I must have forgotten to grab it.” Her voice climbed higher and higher until it hit a near screech at grab.
“I can go get it,” Josh said. Here was a way to be helpful—and to get clear of the noise and chaos.
She gave him an odd look. “You can’t drive.”
Josh’s fingers tightened on the metal railing until his knuckles ached. That was right. Sometimes he forgot.
Well, there went that plan. It was hard proving you were no longer the fuckup in the family when your previous fuckups kept getting in the way.
“I can drive you.” Javier offered that to the ground, as if embarrassed to be saying anything.
They both stared at him for a moment. Lil seemed as surprised by the offer as Josh was.
“That’d be great,” Lil said. “Thanks.” She looked relieved to have the two youngest brothers occupied and useful. She ducked back inside, calling out, “It’s been solved” just before the door closed.
Josh forced himself to let go of the railing. It was fine. This was good. Even if he did need assistance from a kid who’d been in middle school the last time Josh had seen him.
“My truck is this way.” Javier gestured toward the lot.
Josh did a double take when he saw it. “That’s mine,” he blurted out before he could think.
Javier stopped. “Uh, yeah. Sorry, I thought you knew. I mean, Benedict said you wouldn’t need it, and my school is in the valley and I didn’t have a car—”
“No, it’s…” That outburst had been a dick move even if Josh hadn’t meant to do it. “I’m glad someone can use it. It looks like you’re taking good care of it.”
He wasn’t lying—the truck had been waxed recently, and the chrome rims gleamed. Josh certainly hadn’t left it looking so nice. The vehicle had the look of a teenager’s much-loved first car, for all that it was a beast of an ’83 GMC. Not that Josh had ever loved his first car—he’d wrecked it.
“Thanks for being cool about it,” Javier said.
“No problem.”
Josh hauled himself into the passenger’s seat, and they set off.
It was weird being driven everywhere, being completely out of control of the car. Since he wasn’t driving, there was nothing he could do except futilely flinch when Javier braked too hard at a red light.
They went through the center of town, past the diner, the library, the credit union, and everything else lining the main drag. People said that small towns didn’t change much, but that wasn’t true at all—things were plenty different from five years ago.
That one spot everyone always tried to open a restaurant in—and it always, always failed—was empty again, this time with the remains of a sign advertising Joe’s Barbecue. It had been a buffet place when Josh had left. God only knew what else it had been between that and the barbecue joint.
The library was new too. Before, the library had occupied an old bank building, a squat, stucco monstrosity from the ’70s. But now it was gleaming wood, glass, and exposed girders, the kind of thing people would be calling a monstrosity in about thirty years.
He’d have to pop in there and get himself a new library card. The prison library had tended toward legal tomes. Helpful if you were trying to argue your appeal, but not so much if you wanted some pleasure reading.
And then he saw her, walking out the front doors.
His heart skidded to a stop and then slammed into overdrive.
“Pull over,” he told Javier.
“What? Right here?”
“Just do it!” He grabbed the door handle even though there was no way he could open the door. But the pull toward her was just that strong.
“Man, are you gonna hork?” Javier asked. “There’s a bag…”
“No, I’m not going to barf. Just pull over.” His fingers tightened on the handle. Do not open this door.
Thankfully, Javier stopped arguing and pulled over.
Josh finally got what he’d been imagining for five years—his first clear look at Leonora Harper.
She looked the same and yet not. She wore her hair differently now: shorter, with the tight curls forming a gloriously irregular halo around her face. Her skin was the same shade as the last blooming of the buckwheat, the deepest red-brown nature could create, her lips full and glossy. She wore skinny jeans and a green velvet jacket, more formal than he’d ever seen her, but still not quite business-y.
Yes, she looked different, but the emotions she evoked in him were exactly the same. Desire, affection, longing.
He still loved her after all this time.
Not that he had any right to that emotion. But his heart didn’t care about what was right—it only cared about her.
He caught sight of a silver name tag pinned to her lapel. Cabrillo Public Library.
He sucked in a sharp breath. No one had told him where she worked or what she might be doing; not that he’d asked. His two older brothers, Benedict and Luke, had made it clear that Josh could not contact Leonora. Not even to apologize.
Her head turned as if she was searching for someone—her ride maybe—and he saw a flash of scalp in her hair, running through her curls right where a part might have been.
He frowned. She’d never parted her hair like that before.
It hit him then, his diaphragm constricting as if he’d taken a punch straight to it: That was her scar. That was where they’d opened her skull after the accident to save her life.
The emotions roiling within him shifted and went black with guilt. He’d caused the accident. He’d done that to her.
He forced himself to keep his gaze hard on the scar even when his every nerve screamed to look away. But he deserved that pain. All of it and more.
He’d loved her, and he’d hurt her. Which was why he had to meet with her. He had to apologize, to make amends.
It wasn’t any of his brothers’ business. This was between him and Leonora.
She’d never told him to stay away, not even through a friend or family member. Her brother had ordered Josh to steer clear, using Luke as his messenger, but not her.
Her family never had thought her capable even before the accident. They were likely even worse now.
The two of them had been the babies of their respective families. It was part of what had drawn them together. It was what had fueled their mutual rebellion, that and alcohol and parties, until it had all come to an end with a too-fast car smashing into a telephone pole.
“Are you okay, man?” Javier sounded like he was about to call 911.
“Yeah.” Josh ducked his head, tried to shake off his response to her. “I…”
He had no idea how to explain any of that to this kid driving his truck. A truck Josh had lost by driving drunk, crashing his car, and nearly killing Leonora in the wreck. Javier probably knew the gist of the story, but the guts of it…
Josh wasn’t ready to pull those out.
“Sorry.” He rubbed his hand over his face, trying to erase the afterimage of her scar. “I thought I saw someone I knew.”
Javier wasn’t buying it. “A ghost maybe? Because you do not look good, dude.”
“No, she’s not a ghost.”
It was only by the grace of God she wasn’t. That head wound should have been Josh’s instead of the broken femur and cracked ribs he’d ended up with.
“I thought it wasn’t someone you knew?” Javier peered at him. “Should I just take you home?”
“No. No, we’ve got to pick up that baby bonnet. I promised Lil.” He couldn’t fuck that up. “We should get going again so we aren’t late. Sorry about that.”
Javier pulled back onto the road. “No problem. And if you feel sick again…”
“I’ll tell you.”
Josh drummed his fingers against his thigh. He had to get to the library sooner rather than later.
He slid a look at Javier. The kid was using his truck… Maybe Josh could call in a favor. “Hey, do you work on the weekends?”
Javier blinked at him. “Uh, sometimes. I’m working at Angel’s shop part-time while I go to the vocational school in the valley. But classes are on weekdays.”
“Want to earn some extra money?”
“Yeah. I like money.”
Didn’t they all. “Do you think maybe you could drive me around sometimes? I don’t want to keep asking Luke and Benedict…”
Javier pulled a face. “I wouldn’t want Benedict driving me around either.”
Wow, Benedict just continued to make friends everywhere he went. Josh grinned at the kid, because he understood perfectly. “Deal?”
“Deal.”
Josh leaned back against the bench seat, already planning how to approach Leonora. And feeling hopeful for the first time since he’d come home. “I think this is the start of a beautiful friendship.”