25

Eggs Over Easy

ON THE WHOLE, certain conversational openings are not as prudent as others. ‘You’ve put on a little weight, haven’t you?’ is, for example, not a particularly endearing question. Nor is, ‘May I have the name of your plastic surgeon?’ But these were positively winning compared to the dialogue Gillian found herself having with the men she met through the Lonely Hearts columns of England’s leading newspapers.

A confession from one latent lothario that he bought his sex toys from a surgical supply shop brought the conversation to a flaccid conclusion.

Gillian’s next male selection fared no better after he had suggested she come up and see his press cuttings: a rare collection of every story ever published about homicidal American postal workers.

Her third potential partner did at least manage to exchange a few pleasantries about favourite holiday destinations before commenting that Gillian was the first partner he’d had who was biodegradable.

By the end of October, Gillian had a feeling she would give up on finding a sperm donor through the personal ads; she figured it was foolish to bonk outside her species.

This view was confirmed when her fourth and final feasible Romeo, having confided his preference for eel insertion, asked Gillian what she really liked in bed.

‘Breakfast,’ Gillian found herself replying, rather dismally.