AFTER THE HEIGHTENED DRAMA OF the confrontation with Wickham and the renewed rivalry between Darcy and Freddy, the remainder of the day took on a most unnatural flavour. An abnormal calm settled upon company, and despite attempts to carry on conversations and activities as per normal, everybody seemed to be acting out his or her own role in a play. Those few moments of candid conversation were rare and ended abruptly, and Lizzy wondered when the four would be able to return to their heretofore comfortable familiarity.
At least, she recognised, Georgiana had come through her ordeal rather unscathed; if anything, the girl was stronger than ever Lizzy had seen her. She spoke freely of her thoughts and feelings about the matter, and Lizzy was most reassured by her liveliness and resolve. Of everybody, Georgie seemed the least affected by the morning’s proceedings.
Her own thoughts were less settled. She had so very much upon which to think, so many decisions that must be made, and made soon. She had been placed in a most unusual situation, and it would do nobody good to let it continue for any length of time. For her sake, as well as for Freddy and Darcy, she must come to a resolution, although she knew that at least one heart would be broken in the process.
For what a situation she now found herself in: officially engaged to one man, but courted by and proposed to by another. Both suitors were wealthy and handsome, and both were good men who would make excellent husbands, no matter their very different characters. Taken as an accounting, such as one performs in choosing which field to cultivate, or whether to purchase a new curricle or repair the old, the two men might be weighed rather equally, with a balanced number of positive and negative traits. But this was not a matter to be decided based on reason or logic. Nothing but the deepest love, she had come to understand, would convince her into matrimony, and she had need to spend some time examining her own heart, for she felt great affection for both men.
Regardless of her choice, Darcy had succeeded at his scheme. He had turned a country girl into a lady equal to the highest ranks and ensured his immunity from the matchmakers of Town for at least another season. And as far as she, herself, was concerned, should she wish it, her future was secure. Marriage to either gentleman here at Pemberley would be an entrée into a fine life, and should she reject both, she was certain that she might have her choice of a hundred others in the coming season.
The affair, however, had progressed far beyond schemes and plans and vowels and manners. Hearts were at risk, and true happiness or emotional devastation were the possible outcomes, depending on her decisions. Feigning a headache, she begged off the walk on which they had all begun, and she made for her rooms to lie down and think very carefully about what she wanted. And as she lay there upon her bed, seeing the sunlight filtering in through the light sheer curtains that covered the windows and smelling the rose-scented air from the gardens below, she could hear the muted voices of the others as they completed their rounds of the intricate pathways through the rose bushes. Letting the indistinct sounds provide a cushion for her thoughts, her mind began to clear, and she found that her choice was really not that difficult after all.
Dinner that night was a rather subdued affair. The exultation and false cheer after the incident with George Wickham had dissolved, leaving everybody withdrawn into his or her own thoughts. Conversation was almost non-existent, consisting primarily of “please pass the butter,” and “the tapers are smoking.” The soup, though excellent, may as well have been water, the expertly prepared fowl sawdust. Even the normally ebullient Freddy was quiet and pensive, his customary colourful waistcoat discarded in favour of a dull grey.
The gathering seemed ready to part ways after the meal, to partake of solitary activities or to find oblivion in sleep, but as Georgiana was about to leave the salon where they had taken their tea and sweetmeats, Darcy called upon her to stop.
“I have something to say,” he announced, “though it pains me greatly to say it.”
Looks of extreme concern passed amongst the other three in the room. What on earth could have happened? Seeing how Darcy was fighting to avoid looking directly at her, Lizzy wondered, briefly, if she was being ejected from the house for some unknown reason. Her initial tenure in the house had been as Georgie’s guest, but her status soon changed to that of guest of the master, and he could toss her out as quickly as he could request a different cravat from his valet. Surely he had nothing to say against his sister or cousin. Georgie was blameless in all things, and Freddy’s only crime was to care a bit too much for herself. If she had come between the cousins, and if Darcy had recognised her culpability, he would be within his rights to see her gone.
With trepidation, she and the others crept back to the chairs and settees which they had so recently abandoned to await the dire news that Darcy seemed about to impart. Three sets of eyes, anxious and alarmed, focused upon the professor, who ignored them all as he paced up and down, chin in hand and a troubled look upon his face, until Freddy at last called out, “Speak, for heaven’s sake, and stop this agony.”
Ceasing his restless pacing but not choosing to sit himself, Darcy faced his audience. “Georgie, perhaps what I have to say is not for your ears, but you are intimately involved, and therefore deserve to hear it. Eliza, forgive me for saying in public what ought to be said in private, but here, too, others have interests in this matter, and what I have to say concerns them as well. Afterwards, if you choose to think of me at all, I pray you do so with good will. I could not bear to know that you are alive in the world and thinking ill of me.”
Lizzy felt her heart hammer in her chest and her hands grew damp as she clutched at her skirts. This did involve her, and most directly, so it seemed. What disaster was he about to unleash upon her that required so dire a preface? She began to wonder how quickly a message could be sent to the Grants at Arlenby requesting the carriage, or whether she would be forced to walk into Lambton to take a room at the inn for the night. She squirmed in her chair and breathed, “Shall I ask my maid to pack my belongings, Professor?”
He flinched, as if struck by a stone. “Oh, God, no!” he fairly shouted back. “I wish no harm upon you, none at all. Just the opposite. I have thought hard and deeply about matters, and I have come to realise that until now, my concerns have all revolved around myself. I agreed to your request to teach you, Eliza, because the scheme was to my ultimate benefit. I encouraged your association with my Aunt Patricia because it pleased me and furthered my plan. I thought to entice you into a proper engagement because it was what I wished. At no point did I think of you, of your needs. Not even when you shouted at me and abused me after that wretched, damned ball,” he ignored Georgie’s gasp of shock, “did I think to ask myself what you truly desired.
“But today, as we confronted that miserable excuse of a man, Wickham, I perceived at last his real crime, which is unchecked selfishness. Moreover, I dared to examine myself for such a fault. And I found it, oh, how painfully I found it. In my own way, I treated you, my dearest Eliza, as abysmally as Wickham treated first Georgie, and then Caroline, thinking he was harming me. Afterwards, I saw Freddy talking to you, Eliza, and I knew the meaning of his conversation. My heart railed against the very thought of it, black clouds threatened me at the sight, but I knew that in this instance, my wishes must come second to yours.”
He squeezed his eyes closed and allowed his head to fall back on his neck before resetting his expression. He seemed to firm his resolve and faced her once again. With tight lips and deep brown eyes that threatened tears, he continued, “Consider my cousin’s offer, Eliza. For all that I have grown to esteem you, I cannot stop being the wretch I am, and your happiness means more to me than my own. Freddy can do well by you, and he will make you a better husband than I.” Stopping, he turned around and found the nearest chair, into which he fell as if all the strength had suddenly been sapped from his bones. “There. I have said it. I cannot live if you are not happy.”
There was silence. No one dared utter a sound and Lizzy felt the loud beating of her heart must resound through the stunned void of the room. She saw, from the corner of her eye, Georgie and Freddy both sitting with mouths agape at the enormity of Darcy’s unexpected pronouncement.
All at once the silence was filled with expressions of wonder and alarm. “Fitz, you cannot mean it? Are you giving her up entirely?” Georgie flung herself up from her chair and to her brother’s side, whilst Freddy boomed, “I say, Darcy, that’s awfully good of you. I had not thought you such a self-sacrificing sort at all.” Lizzy alone remained mute as the import of these words reverberated through her head.
So absorbed was she with what she had heard that she did not notice right away that the others were now all looking at her. She came to her senses with a start and tried to speak, but her voice was dry. Immediately, Darcy was there with a small glass of sherry, which she drank rather too quickly. She grew warm, and rose unsteadily to walk towards the windows, now open to allow in the warm summer air.
“What say you then, Lizzy? Do you accept me?” Freddy was at her elbow, tugging at his lace cuffs, eager anticipation written on his noble face. “You would then be sister to Charlotte. I shall order matching garb that we may present the perfect picture when we are about in Town. We shall look so fine together! And think on it—one day you shall be a countess! May that day be long in the coming, for it is a mantle I am in no hurry to take up, but it will, eventually arrive. Will you accept me?”
Turning to take in the room, Lizzy regarded the company set out before her. Freddy was there, as he was always there, willing to please and anxious to be of service, a good man beneath his aura of frivolity. He was by her side now, and would always be there for her, even if his concerns were as much for his horses and cravats as for the sensible management of a household. Georgie sat perfectly still, a statue of shock and amazement, whilst Darcy had turned away from the group. But this time, Lizzy knew in her heart, he had not turned away out of disdain or incivility, but because he could not keep the pain from his face and did not wish to burden his friends with his own personal agony. He lived in broad strokes, and when the veneer of curmudgeonly hauteur was wiped from his visage, he felt deeply and keenly, and his eyes could not lie. His pain was palpable, and she longed to rush over and comfort him, but she knew she had to speak now. This had gone on for too long, and she finally knew her heart.
“Freddy,” she turned to the man at her side and took his hand in her own, heedless of the impropriety of the action, “I have come to care for you deeply. You are the best of men, and I am honoured to have received your admiration and your offer. You have always been so good to me, and it was you who truly taught me to be a lady.” She caught and held his eyes. “For unlike your cousin, you understood that the difference between a country miss and a lady of the highest ranks is not how she behaves but how she is treated . You have always behaved to me as if I were a duchess, not some scamp from a small estate in the countryside.”
Freddy preened, but Lizzy stopped him with the softest touch of a hand upon his forearm.
“But I cannot marry you. I like you tremendously, and I cherish your friendship, but we would not really suit. If I love you, it is as a friend or a cousin, not as a husband. And you do not love me, not in any permanent way. You desire me, perhaps, and you are enamoured of the creature your cousin created, but you do not love me, not in that way. You are a wonderful man and you deserve real affection, and I will not keep you from that. We will always remain friends, I hope. I’m so sorry.” She kissed his cheek and stepped away from him.
Freddy’s face fell, but with the disappointment of a plan gone wrong and not with the dreadful devastation of a broken heart. Not with the pain his cousin had tried to suppress moments before. He said nothing, but took her hand and bestowed a sweet and delicate kiss just below her fingers, then released her and fell into a chair.
With careful steps, Lizzy walked over to where Darcy stood, his shoulders tense and his breath unsteady. She dared to be bold, and reached out to gently touch his shoulder. He spun around with a haunted look in his eyes, the latent vulnerability now overshadowing every other aspect of his being. He stared at her uncomprehendingly for a moment, then turned away from her once more. She could see tears brimming in his eyes.
“Fitz,” she said, so quietly it was almost a whisper. “That was the bravest thing I have ever seen you do, and the noblest. You have put another’s interests above your own, even to your own detriment, and you are prepared to suffer to see someone else be happy.
“Today I learned something I had not before understood. I understood what it is to be trusted, entirely and completely. All the while Wickham was slandering me—or the person he thought I was—you never once doubted me. With every new accusation and every assertion of his evidence, your faith in me never wavered. Each vile lie he uttered only made me stronger, for I saw how you had come to know me completely, and you understood that the woman I am would never do the things he said I had done. And that complete faith in me is reflected in the complete faith I have in you. You have never intentionally hurt anybody, and I know you never will. You may be foolish or a tyrant at times, but you are fundamentally a good man who strives to do well by all you deal with.”
He began to turn slowly around her, with something akin to hope creeping across his face, and she felt drawn into those deep brown eyes. He did not speak, although his lips moved as if trying to recall how to form words. She continued, “I cannot promise always to be the lady you have worked so hard to create; at times I may forget myself and resort to my country ways…”
“I ought never to have tried to change you!” Darcy exploded, words suddenly returning to him. “You were perfect the way you were.” He lingered on the word “perfect” and gazed at her in wonder.
“You did not change me, Fitz. I am who I have always been. The accent and the manners have changed, and for the better, but in essentials, I am who I have ever been. The creature you met in Meryton was more than adequate for the country, but recall: it was I who requested your assistance. And while you have been rude and condescending and surly and a trial to be around at times, you are a fine and decent man beneath it all. Even your gravest errors are made in what you consider to be the interests of others. I know that life with you will not always be easy,” she smothered a smile at his hurt look, “but I can think of only one reason a man would willingly give up his deepest-held dreams.”
“The reason is that I love you!” he protested. “I love you and wish only for your happiness!”
“True and selfless love… a woman can ask no more than that. If you still want me, I’m yours.”
For the longest time, he stared at her, as if he could hardly believe what he had heard and feared that this vision of all he desired would disappear like mist on a summer’s morning. “Is this true?” he asked at last. “Can I be dreaming?”
“You are not dreaming, my love, for you are my love. All the while you shouted and ranted, I slowly began to learn of the man beneath the facade, and became fascinated, and whilst here, at Pemberley, I have learned more of you and of the essence inside of you, and I have grown to love you in return.”
“Then you will marry me after all?” Wide-eyed, he asked this question.
“I will. Most delightedly.”
Before she knew what was happening, Lizzy was swept up into his arms and held tight against his strong chest. She felt his heart beat within his breast, and she sighed in contentment that it beat for her. Her arms now crept around his waist and she felt his face nuzzling in her hair. Her coiffure would be ruined, but she cared not. This was love. It was not passion, although that existed as well, nor was it self-interest, but rather, a deep and abiding love, and her hair be damned (she chuckled to herself at the terrible example her Fitz had shown her), she would revel in his embrace. With a broad smile, she raised her head to gaze at him, and the contentment and sheer happiness on his face was, itself, worth all the tribulations she had gone through.
“Eliza… my Lizzy, may I kiss you now?”
She nodded, her eyes alight with joy.
“Oh, my beautiful one, my darling, my fair Lizzy!” and his lips claimed hers.