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“Joceri, you ain’t got no couth,” Brenda playfully snapped at Joceri, who was sitting on the sand leaning on her knees and undoing her braids, a pile of plastic extensions lying at her ankles and four-inch spurs coming out from the sides of her head. Joceri wore a red-and-orange-flowered swimsuit with a matching sarong that covered her long, scarred legs. She rarely showed her legs, still self-conscious after fifteen years of living with scars that were a result of repeated surgeries that got her legs working again after a car accident that had occurred when she was a teenager. A drunk driver had collided with her father’s car, right at the point she had been climbing from the backseat into the front, changing places with her older sister, Krystal, who always got to read the maps and be the navigator. Joceri had been told to wait until they stopped for gas, but she whined and whined until her father finally acquiesced. Krystal climbed back, purposely hitting Joceri’s head with her elbow in the transition. Then Joceri was just pulling her second leg through the space between the driver and passenger seats when blam, a car plowed into them, crossing the highway without warning. Two months in traction, six months in physical therapy, and scars at her ankles, knees, and one hip and thigh were the result. Yeah, the insurance money bought a nice college education, and a very nice convertible car with a jamming sound system, but Joceri never was comfortable with the burnt umber vines that had become a part of her once smooth, sand-colored legs.
It was a problem because she loved the beach, loved to swim, thoroughly enjoyed the sun forcing her to lie back and melt into the ground. But she almost always was mostly covered, letting only part of her unscathed left leg poke out from a slit in the skirt. Outside the scars, her legs were quite well formed. Long, muscular, thin ankles, with the toes always manicured and painted, as if to distract from the scrawls and engravings just above.
Joceri just laughed as she pulled loose another strand and shook her head free. “I love the rush of blood back to my scalp. All the air.”
“Girl, I’m not out here trying to show off my thirty-six double-Ds just to catch some air. I’m trying to get one of these fine cinnamon-chocolate men to give me a sample, and none of them is coming near your outdoor beauty shop.” Brenda was a big woman. Not fat, big, generous in all ways, she liked to say. Large hands, large hips, large lips, large heart. She filled every inch and then some of her bright yellow two-piece suit billowing out with curves and dark toast skin. Brenda talked loud, laughed loud, wore makeup from the moment she rolled out of bed to the moment she climbed back in. She was the cheerleader of her set. If you had a problem Brenda could make you forget it, if she couldn’t solve it. Which she could rarely do. But even so, you would definitely feel better about things, feel like there was a solution somewhere, even though it wasn’t right at hand.
“Brenda, I told you I had to get these out today. You dragged me out here and now you’re fussing at me. I told you what I was doing if I came. You said, ‘Hell, I guess the beach is a good a place as any. I mean if you don’t mind looking all whack in public.’”
“Which I didn’t expect you to really do. I thought you’d wait till tomorrow. It’s not like you and church have any meaningful relationship, so Sunday would have been just as good.”
“Not when I had decided on today. Anyway, why don’t you just take your dessert-loving self into the surf and find that fudge brownie, or whatever it is you looking for, and just leave me be since you don’t seem willing to help.”
“Because the point was to get you out of your funk and to stop mourning the one that slithered away back to his rock and find you something better.”
“Oh, so you into procurement now. You want my profile for your agency?”
“You trying my patience, girl. Why don’t you just have a little fun? Just relax and let something come by that ain’t about till death do us part, just about parting some legs and letting some juices flow.”
“When I need help with my sex life I’ll let you know, Brenda. Till then…”
“Girl, I ain’t providing you no help. You really don’t have the physique that gets my blood pressure up. I’m just saying your skin is looking a little sallow and your shoulders are getting stooped.”
“Oh so now I’m old and tired, huh, two steps away from a walker and Shady Pines…”
“Ain’t nothing like some oiled joints to get you stepping light.” Brenda eyed the auburn pile growing around Joceri’s ankles. “You could at least put this trash in a bag. Have a little order around you. Show off your legs. You need to get over worrying about those scars. They’re not that bad, and anyway they add character. You have nice legs, nice color, no cottage cheese.”
“Brenda, are you sure you not trying to move into procurement and sales? I know you own your own business, but I am not a piece of your merchandise.”
“Joceri, you have not been out on a date, in, what, two years?”
“I go out dancing almost every week.” Brenda rolled her eyes. “Well every month anyway. And I went to the movies last month with that joker you set me up with. William-what’s-your-family-crest-Milweed.”
“Millman. And I didn’t know he was so stuck up he was talking about pedigrees and brand names as if he was a horse breeder or something. I can see how that would have made you trip, but you have to admit, he makes a good living and he was easy on the eyes. Anyway the idea wasn’t marriage. But I wasn’t talking date like go out and see a movie, I meant date…” Brenda licked her lips and ran her hands down her thighs, “as in sweet tropical fruit that you find at an oasis in the middle of a desert and enjoy all night long.”
“Hey, it wasn’t even good conversation,” Joceri hissed.
“You see there, girl, you sound like one of those crystal wineglasses shattering all on the floor. As I was saying at the start, I wasn’t suggesting him for conversation. Sometimes, you just got to bend and stretch, girl. It’s just not normal for a young woman to go without. I mean nature got to be in balance, and you are out of kilter.”
“Not everyone is like you, Brenda. Men are more than a good meal.”
“So you keep telling me. But I’m thinking it’s just one big smorgasbord out there and my job is to keep my plate full and the cook happy.”
“Not everyone likes all-you-can-eat.”
“Yeah, well, too much fasting will kill you, girl. You ever looked at those pictures of Gandhi? That man did not look healthy. I mean his shoulders could cut through a piece of cotton. That’s why he never wore any shirts, tore them all up.”
“Brenda, you are crazy. Help me with the ones all the way in the back.”
Just then Rene walked up. He worked in the same firm as Joceri, two floors down. He had tried to talk with her more than once. Had been able to get her for a few lunches and one after-dinner drink, but every time he thought they were moving toward something she jumped away like a wild deer running deep into the bush. And every time she pulled away he let her go, never pressing, never complaining, and never going completely away. For a time it seemed to Joceri that he was dating her supervisor, Debbie. Or at least trying to move in that direction. But Brenda said he was just flirting with Debbie so that he could see Joceri and keep himself on her mind. And Joceri had thought about him. She had thought about him a lot.
“Hey, Brenda. You looking bright and vivacious.”
“As always,” Brenda replied.
And then he turned to Joceri. “And since you are here, my day is now great. It’s always a pleasure to see you.” Joceri always thought his voice was a bit high for a man. But it was so smooth, silken.
Brenda had not stopped laughing. “I think you’re laying it on a bit thick, bro’.”
Rene had not stopped smiling at Joceri, whose cheeks were now flushed with red. “Actually, I meant it.”
Joceri smiled back. “Thank you, then.” She was squinting into the sun and saw Rene as a tall, sculpted, dark shadow. No details in his face, just round eyes shining out of a dark saucer. Brenda had been right, though: He did look like he worked out. His arms were buff, and his abdomen, while not fully hard, showed definition and lines. Thankfully his swimsuit was loose and hung almost to his knees. Joceri’s mind had jumped to wondering and she didn’t really didn’t want to know more than she needed to about size, dimensions, shape.
Rene kept smiling broadly, his white teeth shining out of his mouth, flashing a little bit of gold from the back. “Jake and Ted are down the way. You ladies want to come over and share a couple of brews, have some food, maybe toss around the volleyball? Joceri, didn’t you tell me you were on a team in high school?”
Brenda and Joceri burst out responses at the same time: Brenda with, “Sounds great,” and Joceri with, “I’m fine here, thank you. As you can see I’ve got most of the back, and a whole other side.”
Brenda squatted next to Joceri, picked up an extension, and pulled it hard. “Girl, what is the matter with you?”
Joceri winced, pulled the braid out of Brenda’s hand, and kept talking. “Thanks, Rene, but I am taking out my braids, as you can see, enjoying the sun, and in another hour will be taking a short swim, reading my book, and then sleeping the day away in utter bliss. My afternoon is set.”
“Set in the Dark Ages,” snapped Brenda.
Rene sat next to the two women. “Brenda, you go along. Ted brought some potato salad and chicken, make you want to open up a restaurant. I can help Joceri take out these extensions.”
Brenda stood up, laughing. “I bet you can.”
Joceri turned her head and looked at Rene. She realized that every time he came close she caught her breath. That’s why she kept her distance. She really wasn’t ready, not ready to get and definitely not ready to lose, but that was the pattern of her life. As often as not the men she settled with were attached to someone else, or else to themselves in a way that didn’t give room for much real to happen that wasn’t happening between the sheets. She wasn’t like Brenda, able to just be inside the moment and take the pleasure of the surface, never going much farther. That’s why she had decided to leave all of it alone for a while, a long while. “I really don’t like a whole lot of people up in my hair. Thanks though.”
“Last time I looked I wasn’t a whole lot of people, just one. And anyway I’ve got plenty of experience, girl. Five sisters, Joceri. Three older, two younger. I’ve taken out a whole lot of braids. And it looks like you’ve got a whole lot to do in the back. I’m not going to mess with you.”
“Somebody needs to,” said Brenda under her breath. “Which way to the barbecue, Rene?” He pointed up the beach toward the parking lot. “See you later, Jo,” Brenda laughed, full hips swaying from side to side as she eased down the beach.
Joceri sighed. “I should have known Brenda was plotting when she was so insistent I come out. She just wouldn’t let me stay home. I swear I’m going to get her back for this. And don’t try to tell me it’s just a coincidence you and your posse showed up at the same time on the same piece of beach.”
“My plot, Joceri. My plan. I know you’ve been under a deadline getting that last project out, and I thought, well, now that it’s passed maybe you’d have room for a little more me.”
He picked up a braid and was fingering the strands loose. The edge of his palm rubbed the back of her neck. After a couple of minutes he reached the edges of her real hair and was deftly separating out the strands without pulling or tearing the ends. As the false hair came out he gently rubbed her scalp and then picked up another braid. This time he slid his hand across her shoulder. She could feel his breath at her back.
Joceri didn’t say anything. She liked his smell. Soap and salt, she thought. Rene readjusted his legs, sitting full in back of her with her hips in between his outspread thighs. He had been careful not to touch her back or hips, but she could feel his heat and was self-conscious. She adjusted herself nervously, moving forward a few inches. Rene said nothing; just kept unbraiding. As each braid came out Rene became more forward with his touch. At one point Joceri hunched her shoulders, which were beginning to cramp in her efforts to keep them from touching his chest. She wanted to lean back and rest her lower back, but didn’t dare. It was too close.
“Hard to keep sitting up, huh. Do you mind?” Rene dropped the braid he had been holding and placed his hand on the side of her neck. He found the precise place in her shoulder that was cramping and softly rubbed out the strain, his fingers pressing into the muscle firmly but without gripping, pushing the crick out from the back of the ear where it started, around her shoulders, and then smooth down her back.
Joceri tried not to sigh at his touch. It was soothing. The two of them worked out the braids, rarely talking. After a time all the braids were out. Joceri was about to pull away when she felt Rene’s fingers weaving through the remaining thick brush. He began to gently rub her scalp, calming the itches that had been rising. “My oldest sister, Melanie, used to make me take a comb and scratch her head after we got all the rows out. She said the itch would drive her crazy.” He rubbed her scalp and then gently ran his arms down her neck, smoothing its long lines. Joceri dropped her head forward and enjoyed his touch. She knew it was time to run, time to jolt. She knew she needed to find a way to get away, but he was so calming and so quiet she just sat there. Her breath was becoming too heavy. She tried to hold it and then let it out hoping he wouldn’t notice. Wouldn’t notice that her nipples had begun to harden. She pulled her knees tighter into her chest.
“Do you know this beach?” Rene asked.
“I come out here a lot every summer and fall. You know. Mostly this end. Sometimes we drive a couple of miles farther down.”
“No, I mean there are some caves around the way. You have to wade through some water, but the view is beautiful. There are rock formations in one of the coves and a little isle where the otters come and rest. It’s the funniest thing you ever saw. They lie all over each other and just belch and honk and snort. And then after an afternoon nap, they slip back into the sea and swim down the coast. Come on, let’s walk.”
Joceri jumped up. “Good idea. Let me grab my bag. We don’t have any beer here. Just some sodas and water. You want to go get your friends and…”
“Let’s take a couple of pops and let it go at that. We can get some food later, I mean unless you’re hungry.”
“No, I’m fine.”
They began to walk down the stretch of beach. Three children were having a race down the beach, and one of them almost tripped Joceri. Rene caught her.
“Dangerous out here,” he laughed.
“Maybe too dangerous,” said Joceri.
“Hey, I’ll keep you safe.” Farther down Rene stopped and helped a little boy build a part of a sand castle. He showed him the right mix of water to sand so that he could use the small pail as a mold for the buildings. Joceri watched his hands pat the flat top of the corner barricade, his fingertips softly clearing a ledge and making a place for armaments to go. “Take it easy, boy, and you’ll have a fine castle.”
Joceri had to admit he was a nice man. Didn’t impose himself exactly, just knew how to make a place for himself. Find the gaps and fit on in. She sighed as they walked.
The beach became emptier and emptier as they got farther from the entrance. By the time they reached the caves he had spoken of almost no one was around. They had to climb over two ledges, up, down, and around, and then up, down, and around again. Joceri’s sarong kept getting caught under her feet and knees, but she would not take it off.
After going past two coves they had to wade through the water to get to the place Rene had talked about. Joceri lifted the sarong as she walked until she was holding most of it midthigh.
“I thought you said wade. Wade usually means the ankles, not chest.” She smiled at Rene’s back. He was a few steps in front. “How high is this water going to get?”
“Just to your waist. Doesn’t reach the shoulders when the tide is all the way in. I’ve swum out a few times. But it’s just a little farther.” He glanced over his shoulder. “You might want to take that skirt all the way off before it gets wet.”
“I’m all right,” Joceri answered.
“Suit yourself.” Rene laughed. “It’ll dry fast enough in the sun anyway.”
Joceri realized he was right. She took a deep breath and stopped to take off the sarong. She was relieved that Rene did not look back immediately. Even if he had looked back, she reasoned, he would only have seen part of the scars. Maybe he wouldn’t have seen any of them. He seemed to always be looking at her face or at the sky or at the water. And if he did see some, maybe he really wouldn’t care, a least not that much. Maybe Brenda was right. Maybe Joceri did trip about her legs too much.
They walked around a bend that gave the illusion of leading only to more water when a small beach appeared nestled in a hilly recess. When you sat in it you couldn’t see the rest of the beach, only the ocean sparkling against the sky. Two otters were resting on a small rock rising out of the sea about fifty yards away. Past them was a pinnacle of rocks that had been smoothed by ocean waves. They were thick, shiny, and twisted and seemed to point at the sun.
“Do you swim?” Rene asked, stepping onto the shore.
“Yes, but I’m not interested in meeting any otters today, thank you.”
“I thought you might like to see God’s Fingertip up close.”
“What?”
“That’s what I named that formation. Doesn’t it look like a finger reaching upward? Like it’s just telling the sun to shine brighter, and the moon to hang low in the sky. Wait until you see the way the moon looks…”
“I’m not going to be here that long,” Joceri said, starting to loosely wrap her cloth around her waist and sinking down to the ground.
“Joceri. The sand is kinda hot. Can we use your skirt to sit on?”
“I just put it back on.”
“Why?”
“I really don’t like to show my legs.” As she spoke she realized that the cloth was split open right at the lightning bolt that ran from her hip down toward her knee. She started to cover it up.
He lifted her hand. “Why not? You have lovely legs. I noticed when you came up on the beach. Real pretty.” Joceri did not move. “Both legs. Real nice.” He was smiling at her and everything seemed far away. She could hear a distant echo of children’s voices. She could hear gulls singing as they swooped at the top of the cliff. She could hear the waves softly licking the edge of the shore. Joceri smiled back. “I guess it’d be okay.” She untied the cloth and spread it over a patch of sand and left a space where Rene could sit.
Rene moved next to her and rubbed his shoulders against hers. They sat that way for a long time. Finally Joceri spoke. “What do you want, Rene? Why do you keep trying to pass through this way?”
“I’m not trying to pass through, woman. I’m trying to get in.”
“I know you’re trying to get in,” said Joceri lightly, turning it to a joke, unconsciously licking the edge of her lip as she spoke.
“Yeah, that, too. What fool wouldn’t want to get close to something as fine as you? But I mean into your life, not just in between your legs. Into your mind, into your spirit. I’m trying to find the road in and you just keep putting up stop signs.”
“Under-construction signs,” Joceri said so softly he almost missed it.
“We’re all ongoing projects, Joceri. You can’t, I mean you can, but you shouldn’t just shut out everyone until you decide you’re done. We’re never done.”
“I have a lot of repair work to do.”
“Not so it shows.”
Joceri didn’t answer. She stared out at the water. She began to count the waves to see how many were coming in at the same time. Rene moved in front of her, blocked her view. He lifted one of her legs and examined the crooked lines. One ran like a vine on the outside of her ankle, another a cross-stitch across her knees, and a third from under the edge of her bathing suit to the middle of her thigh, thick, black, smooth, and inflexible.
“They’re so soft,” he said almost to himself.
“My legs are not smooth and soft.”
“Not the legs, the designs on them. The scars, they’re actually quite soft.” He ran his fingers around her ankles, drawing the tip of the index finger across the raised welt. “You know you have some pretty feet, too.” His fingers softly ran down the arch of her feet, his thumb gently covering and then revealing the scar.
“Yeah, if you don’t look above them,” snorted Joceri.
“And yeah if you do.” He ran his hands up the calves and into her thick thighs. Joceri looked at the fingers as they moved. Wide, flat, sure. She looked at the sand, almost the same color as her, large grains, some of them seeming to shine. She looked straight into the sun.
She did not look at Rene.
He kept stroking her legs. Massaging them softly. Teasing her inner thigh, which was becoming hot. “You want me to stop?”
“I don’t know what I want.” Joceri was barely able to get the words out.
“How ’bout what you need. Do you know that?”
“I know what I don’t need.”
“And what’s that?” He had moved one hand to her face and was cradling it softly. The other rested on the outside of her bare hip. Joceri looked at his eyes, which were so close to hers. She could barely breathe. She didn’t want to run, but she needed to go. Maybe they should swim, but she didn’t move.
“What, Joceri? What don’t you need?”
“I don’t need to get hurt. I don’t need any more B.S. I don’t need—”
Rene cut her off. “I assure you I have no intentions of hurting you. Not in the least. I’m not into pain myself.”
His hand slid down her face, across her shoulder, close to her breast, and then around her back. “That’s not what I meant.” Joceri turned her side to him.
Rene moved in front of her. “I’m not into hurting, in any way.” One of Joceri’s legs was stretched out in front of her. The other one was bent up to her chest, preventing him from getting any closer. He sat facing her and stretched that leg to the right side of him, smoothing the skin.
“That’s my good leg,” Joceri said, trying to keep any kind of words inside her head. Trying not to get any more caught up in the rhythm of the surf and the softness of his voice. “Only one hip broke. That one just had a simple fracture.”
“They’re both good legs,” he said and brushed the sand from between the toes. “Really nice legs. I’ve been wanting to see what you kept hidden under all those pantsuits for a long time.”
Joceri pulled her foot out of his hand and tried to move in front of Rene. He adjusted himself and squatted in back of her. She looked hard into the water. He ran his tongue around the rim of her ear, down her neck, onto her shoulder, pushing down the suit’s thin straps.
“It really is beautiful here. It’s like we’re in a secret world. You’d never know there was a beach full of people just around a couple of bends,” Joceri jabbered. “Really, just like you said, beautiful.”
Rene didn’t say anything, just laughed softly. “And it’s beautiful here.” His tongue was running down her spine. She gasped lightly. “And here.” The front of her swimsuit fell and her breasts slipped out of the bra cups.
If Joceri was going to stop this, it had to be now. They should talk. What about a condom? How many women had he been with? Safe. She wanted to be safe. She watched Rene’s hands travel across her chest. He cupped one breast on each hand. They were small, only slightly overfilling his hands. She had once thought about getting them enlarged but decided the risk was not worth it. He softly turned the nipples between his fingertips. They were hard and almost quivered beneath his touch.
He put his lips next to her ear. “You know, Joceri, I’m a one-woman man. One at a time. For as long as we can make it work. It’s been five months since I had anyone… waiting on you and just didn’t feel like messing around. Longest time in my life, woman. Celibate, I mean. So if this isn’t what you want, now’s the time to say so. Because I plan on being around for a while.”
Joceri was breathing hard. She needed to feel him. She leaned back into his chest arching back just a little. “What about...?”
“Everything you need, Joceri.” His lips were on her shoulder, he was turning her to face him, her back to the sea, his mouth filling with one breast as he gently sucked it. And then pulled away. “I swear baby, everything you need.”
She pushed him back. “Does that include condoms?”
“Hell, woman, that’s what I need. Of course. I mean I got everything else. Condoms, that’s just the mechanics.” He looked at her and saw that her bottom lip was lightly trembling. He leaned forward and gently nipped on it. Pulled it softly with the edges of his teeth and then settled his lips around hers, waiting for her to open her mouth and invite him to move forward. She sighed again and began to kiss him back. This time he pulled away. “Everything you need… and nothing you don’t.”
Her damp suit clung to her hips as he pulled it down past her knees and to the side. He left his own on, just taking the time to look at her. Smiling and looking. “You one pretty mama.” He laughed and lay down next to her. “I’m going to enjoy getting to know you.” Rene’s hands moved slowly, as if he was measuring every inch of her. And then his fingers would stop at the elbow crevice, at the wrist bump, at the shoulder hollow, and each time they stopped they were replaced by his lips, which smoothed, tasted, breathed hot, then cooling air around her. There was nothing then except the surf, quiet at first, barely there at the edge of her mind, and the gulls above, calling out to each other, and his lips and fingertips discovering the round of her abdomen, grazing around the backs of her thighs, separating the hairs between her legs, licking the salt and syrup that were trickling out from between her legs.
It had been so long that she wanted to hurry, to feel him inside her now that she had decided to let this happen, but he wasn’t going to let her rush it. When he finally entered her he stayed on top for only a moment before rolling over and letting her sit high above him, holding on to her hips, which circled in wide, dark arcs, echoing the eddies of water that circled the rocks in the cove. As Joceri rocked the waves seemed to get higher and higher; she heard her own moans and could not separate them from the ocean’s foam, sizzling as it melted into the sand. He went deeper inside her and she gripped his hips and was inside the water’s currents swirling and turning until the tight rope that bound her ankles and thighs fell away and she was inside herself and swallowed in his touch and gasping for air that poured through her skin, every pore open and alive. Finally damp and sticky, laughing she collapsed on his chest just as she felt him tremble and heard him call out her name across the ocean’s expanse.
“That was nice,” Joceri sighed, nuzzling his neck.
“Just a beginning, woman. We got a lot of places to go and things to see.”
“For example?” Joceri teased.
“Wait till you see the moonrise. I tell you it’s a beautiful sight. A beautiful sight.”
“I’ll bet.” Joceri closed her eyes and listened as the otters began to bray, and the water washed against the shore.