On the plane trip home I draft my application for the mangrove job. I type it up the next day and have it in the mail that afternoon. No one in Melbourne is happy with that decision or distraction. I don’t tell anyone, except Mardi, about Jason. I thought she’d be supportive but she’s been no help at all.
“Why do you want a job up there when your life’s here? You’ll find a man in Melbourne.”
I don’t have a life in Melbourne. I grew up here and studied here but I have always intended to travel and see Australia, if not the world. “It’s not just the man. I love the tropics, the mangroves, the climate, the work. It’s the whole package.”
She turns her nose up and shrugs. “If you reckon.” Grabbing hold of my arm, she tugs me towards her and almost snarls at me. “For god’s sake, he’s the first man you’ve screwed. He won’t matter once you find number two.”
If I wasn’t stunned by her tone and attitude I might have hit her. This isn’t Mardi. Mardi is my friend. Someone who’s happy for me. Someone who supports me.
She gets up and leaves, while I remain mute and immobile.
My family is no better. My parents are appalled that I went away for a six week trip and now I’m talking about moving away for the rest of my life. Mum is the most dramatic.
“What happened to you up there? Why this sudden change? Why are you rebelling? Why do you hate us?”
“I’m not rebelling. I don’t hate you. I fell in love with north Queensland. It’s beautiful. You should see it, Mum. It’s all green. Glorious green. The rivers are clear, with mangroves in thick stands. There are hardly any people. It’s heaven.” She doesn’t seem convinced, so I suggest a peace offering. “Don’t worry, I may not even get the job.”
“Yes, there is that.” Mum concedes. “I can’t imagine they’d give a job to someone like you. You’ve no experience and only just finished uni. You don’t know anything.” Mum turns and walks away. She doesn’t notice how she has just sliced into my self-confidence. Her words are a heavy punch in the guts. Winded and hurting, I’m left gasping for breath. I thought they cared for me. I hoped they had missed me. If they did, they have an odd way of showing it.
Their reactions only make me want the job more. I want to be away from here. I want to find what I found on the trip—people who support me regardless of how slow I am. I scour the newspapers looking for other work in north Queensland just in case the mangrove job doesn’t work out.
Melbourne is smothering, my parents crushing in their attention. Mardi doesn’t have my best interests at heart. I wonder how they all changed so much in six weeks. But I know it is me who has changed. I miss Jason. Not only the sex but the way he treats me, the way he makes me feel stronger when I’m with him. He didn’t know me when he spoke to me on that first day in the river, yet he cared, supported me and gave me strength. Why don’t I get that here? These are the people who profess to love me. Churning inside, I can’t keep thinking about it or I’ll make myself ill. Being home brings me answers to questions I couldn’t answer before. The answers don’t sit comfortably with me.
Finally, I have a phone interview with the mangrove team. I can’t eat breakfast. I can’t concentrate as I wait for my eleven o’clock appointment. At a quarter to eleven my mother rings someone. I stand nearby, my eyes almost falling from my head. I point to my watch and mouth the word, “eleven”. She nods, as if it’s of no importance. I can’t read my notes. I can’t sit still. I pace the back verandah, constantly checking my watch. At one minute before eleven I hear her hang up. I fly inside and take the phone to my room. I sit before my notes and wait.
Ten agonising days after my phone interview with the mangrove team, I am employed. The whole of Melbourne must hear my squeal. I leap around my room, dancing the happiest of dances. No one else is overjoyed but I’m not letting that dampen my spirits. I pack my belongings. I’ll drive up over the next week. I’ll have a holiday on the way to my new job, my new career and it’ll be my chance to find Jason.
Leaving is not as easy as I hoped. My family shed tears. They really don’t want me to go. I can understand that. A part of me would like to stay here too in the safety of those I know. A larger part of me needs to go. It’s a tearful, amicable parting. Dad gives a short speech about the fledgling leaving the nest and that’s how I feel, ready to fly.
When I left for the expedition, Mardi was laughing and happy for me, telling me not to do anything she wouldn’t. This time there’s no humour, no teasing, just spite.
“You’re making an idiot of yourself, Mac. When you get there he’ll have moved on to someone new.”
Her parting words cut deep and I regret telling her anything about my trip. I hug her goodbye but make no promises of returning, or keeping in touch. She doesn’t feel like my friend any more.
Her words create doubt that hovers over me. I try not to focus on it but it remains. Am I making an idiot of myself? I don’t think I am.
As I drive away from Melbourne, my car packed full of my things, I know I don’t care. I have to find out. If Jason has moved on, then I still have a job, a job that I’ll love. Melbourne isn’t the same place as when I left—or maybe I’m not the same person.
Townsville is warm, friendly and relaxed but a huge drive from Melbourne. Exhausted but exhilarated, I organise the key for my rented unit. I feel so grown up with my own place. Entering the semi-furnished unit, ready for me to place my things and call it home, a huge lump forms in my chest. I can’t decide if it’s from nerves or excitement. I’m making my life. I’m setting off on my adventure. I have a job, a new home, a new life to carve. It’s thrilling as much as it’s terrifying. It’s like getting ready to step on a huge rollercoaster when you aren’t really sure you’ll survive the ride.
I unpack quickly. The rollercoaster thought has me thinking of Jason. I have two days before I start work and I need to find him.
Embarrassing doesn’t come close to describing standing at the army barrack’s gates, asking to see a man whose surname I don’t know. My details are sketchy. Every bit of doubt surfaces and multiplies. Why hadn’t I thought this through properly? Did I honestly imagine I’d drive up here and find him easily?
“Miss, you’re saying you don’t know his name?” The young, clean-scrubbed soldier has a glint in his eye. I can’t tell if it’s mischief or mirth. His manner is impeccable, his uniform immaculate and the gates with the sentry are formidable. I almost turned around and drove away but that was never going to find Jason. I’m not sure this is either.
“I don’t know his surname. He’s Jason, a sergeant. He was with a group supporting the recent Daintree expedition. With him were five other men, including Tim and Neil. They’re all from Townsville.” It sounds pathetic to my ears. I naïvely thought that the base would be small, the men well-known and the records at the front gate. I thought I’d mention the trip, he’d look up who did it and Jason would appear in my arms. I didn’t think this through at all. Beads of sweat are prickling out all over my body and it isn’t just from the heat.
“I take it their surnames are also unknown?” The man has to be laughing himself stupid, even though his face is deadpan. When I nod, he continues in the most polite tone. “The best I can do is for you to leave your details.”
I’m not leaving my details with the man. He probably thinks I’m desperate and he’ll give them to any soldier who wants a girl. I write a note instead—Jason, I have the mangrove job. I’m starting Monday the 8th. Love Mac/Willow xo.
I leave it with the polite gate keeper and drive away. My heart feels like it’s torn apart. Leaving Melbourne wasn’t this difficult. I hurried my trip up the coast so I had some time to spend when I found him. I’m such a dreamer. I had two days to find him and I failed in twenty minutes.
Monday morning, I’m unpacked and settled into my unit. I’m up early eager to start work. I drove out there yesterday so I’d know where I’m going. It’s right out of town. The radio’s turned up and I’m singing and dancing in my seat as I drive to my work place. Orientation isn’t as exciting as I hoped. And I’m in a building all day and not in the mangroves. I guess every work day can’t be an adventure. I busy myself learning what I have to learn, filling in forms, touring the site but all day I’m waiting for someone to bring me a message that Jason has called.
When five o’clock comes, the excitement of the first day in my dream job is not enough to mask my disappointment. I walk out to my car. The dancing steps I had this morning are now more like dragging my feet in leaden boots. I get into my car and drive out of the car park. At the turn onto the highway I see an army camouflage-painted 4WD parked on the side of the road. My heart picks up speed as I brake. Driving slowly past I can’t see anyone inside.
Do I stop?
How can I not?
I pull into the side of the road ahead of the vehicle and walk back to it. My heart’s not working properly. It’s doing fast crazy beats, then stalling, then going slow, then jumping to my throat, falling to my knees. My breathing is mirroring the craziness.
There is no one there.
Disappointment cuts like a knife. I was relying on him finding me today. Maybe Mardi was right and he’s moved on. Since there’s a base in Townsville, I presume army vehicles park on the side of the road often. I can’t stop at each one. I have to get over this.
Desolate, I walk back to my car, get in and drive away.
Tears well and my chest burns as I try to hold them back and drive. Pathetic. I’m pathetic. I sniff and slow for the corner. Another army vehicle is turning the corner on the opposite side of the road. My heart leaps and I curse myself. Is the place full of them? How am I going to live here when each one fills me with hope?
I look inside the vehicle as it passes, cursing myself as I do. He’s not there, you idiot. But he is. I’m sure it’s him. I pull off the road again. My heart’s pounding against my ribs. Was that really him? I’m not sure, it’s been weeks. It was only a glimpse. I was wishing and probably conjured his face on any man. I watch in the rear view mirror as the vehicle turns down the road I just left.
Would it hurt to follow?
My heart dictates and I make a u-turn and head back, half cursing my stupidity, half hoping.
Now there are two army vehicles on the side of the road parked one behind the other. I drive slowly past the vehicles, looking. There’s a soldier in camouflage uniform standing at the driver’s door of first vehicle. I stare. He’s familiar.
It can’t be.
I pull over in front of the vehicles, turning the ignition off before the car has even stopped. I leap out in a tangle of arms and legs.
“Tim!” I call loud enough the birds fly from the trees beside the road.
Tim looks up and starts laughing. I race towards him as he moves towards me. We meet and he sweeps me into a hug. It feels so damn good. He puts me down as if I’m made of fine china, making sure my feet are stable before he speaks. “We’re looking for you.”
“Guess you found me.” My lips feel like they’re going to split my face. I’ve never smiled so hard but there’s a little part of me that’s a tiny bit worried. “Who’s ‘we’?”
Tim nods his head in a direction behind me and I turn to where he indicates. Neil is at the back of the second vehicle. I look further. Jason is walking out of the bush. He wasn’t there a few minutes ago when I turned the car around.
My feet sprout wings. Before I can think, I race to Jason.
His arms catch me as I fly at him. His mouth claims my lips in one quick swoop. Our kiss ignites in nanoseconds. I wrap my body as closely to his as I can. Our mouths are open, tongues greeting again. His taste fills me, envelopes me. I writhe against him. It’s been so long.
After long minutes, our kiss tempers to something akin to simmering. It’s difficult to sustain that intensity. The need to breathe is a pest at times. Our lips break apart but our heads remain close together.
“You found me.” I press my lips to his chin. The feel of his beard stubble arouses me further. There’s something so virile about beard stubble.
“I tried the phone book but there’s only one MacIntosh and it wasn’t you. Before I could do anything else, we were sent bush again, but then you came looking for me.” Jason’s teeth gleam as he smiles. “You caused…much amusement.” His lips twist to a wry grin and I laugh, pulling back from him and catching his hands in mine. He tried to find me. My heart finds cloud nine.
“I can imagine.” I roll my eyes as I think of how crazy I must have sounded. “I had no idea how to find you.” I swing our hands before stepping back against his body. His arms wrap around me. I look up and our mouths meet. Our kiss is steaming. His taste fills me with memories and need. I writhe hard against him, sex being the only thought I have.
We’re interrupted by slow clapping, wolf whistles, and loud voices. Tim and Neil breaking up our reunion.
“That’s enough you two.”
“Get a room!”
I grin, reluctantly pulling away from Jason.
“Do you have a room?” he asks in a devilish tone.
I nod quickly, flicking an eyebrow to question him. He reads my question perfectly.
“Lead on.” His breathless answer tells me he’s thinking exactly my thoughts.
We walk back to the vehicles. My hand curls into Jason’s. I can’t believe I’ve found him.
Tim claps my shoulder. “Thank goodness you found work up here, Mac.” I flash a grin at Tim, look back to Jason and catch him casting Tim a dark look.
I feel even better about my decision after Tim’s comment, even if Jason doesn’t want him saying anything. I know Tim’s saying Jason missed me. Or I hope that’s what he’s saying. I look at Tim and he winks. Yep, he’s saying that.
When we get to the vehicles, Jason turns to Tim and Neil.
“I’ll go with Mac. I’ll see you later.”
Tim winks and mouths “have fun” before he and Neil leave. Tim drives away tooting madly and Neil waves. I’m alone with Jason. I don’t know if I can drive. Every cell in my body wants to be with him now. I need to be closer to him than you can be in car seats when driving. The drive is going to last an eternity. I hope my auto-pilot is good enough to get me home.
My heart is pounding so loudly I don’t hear the engine start when I turn the ignition. I crank it over a second, needless time. My hands are shaking as I place them on the wheel.
“You okay to drive?” Jason grins. I poke my tongue out at him, trying to lighten my mood with humour. I don’t know that I am okay to drive but I have to be. We can’t have sex in the car. My car is way too small.
I make it home.
At the front door, my hands are shaking and sweaty and I can’t insert the front door key. I wipe my hand down my jeans, take a deep breath and try it again.
“Having trouble?” Jason’s voice is rough with need and laughter.
“Not now.” Triumphant, I turn the key and we’re inside. Jason wastes no time in following me and closing the door. By the time I drop my bag and kick off my shoes, I’m in his arms. It’s heaven.
His hands slide beneath my shirt as his mouth touches mine. His kiss is light. His lips graze over mine. A shudder courses through me. I open my mouth to demand more but he closes his mouth over my bottom lip. I arch against him. My body’s pressed to him. My breasts and groin are plastered against him and it’s still not enough. He’s touching my stomach and it’s driving me insane. I want his hands everywhere, not just there. I moan my protest. His hand slips across my stomach before his lips suck, tug and nip on my lower lip.
I’m aching. I want more than two points of contact. I squirm against his hand, stretching on my tiptoes to push his hand down further. It doesn’t work. He pulls back from my mouth and chuckles. “Greedy girl.”
My hands glide up his shirt and around his neck. I pull his face to mine but he hovers out of reach of my lips.
“Slowly,” he says in a voice that makes me anything but slow.
I shake my head. “I can’t do slow.”
He grabs the end of my shirt and peels it up. I duck down so it comes off even more quickly. I unzip my jeans and let them pool at my feet. My fingers grab the top of my underpants and I slide them off. I unhook my bra and drag that from my body. It’s fast. A quick shucking of clothes because I’m desperate to feel him inside me. When I finish, he’s standing staring at me.
“What’s wrong?”
His gaze rakes up and down my body, lingering over parts, burning me with the intensity. I feel every bone protruding from my skinny form. Suddenly conscious of my nakedness and his clothed state, I try to cover my breasts with my hands. How ridiculous. He’s seen me before.